Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

Good for you OP, make sure you do that and have some fun with your friends.

I know plenty of British men who also do this....

So what happened in the end? Did he get that flight?

I think you also need to go away without him and leave him with the kids. He should experience that. 1yo are very full on. Could you go somewhere you're really interested in seeing, with or without a friend? For a few days in Paris or whatever?

The 4 days thing is not a win for you. He still gets his mates holiday and gets to look as if he’s compromised.
He lied to you, remember. You need to get rid of him.

So he was like im tired il do it tomorrow i said no if u go to sleep without doing it im not coming back to the bed and were back to square 1. So he has booked return for (almost 200 something) friday morning Thursday was (300 something) so i mean i compromised there too whilst his friends will return sunday night. Now hes moaning how its a waste of £200 to come back 2 days earlier i said oh well u live and u learn!!! (Although it pains me how this money could have gone to some other use) … so i said to him that gives us saturday and sunday plan something. I also said when he comes back i dont want to hear about his trip or his friends. We draw a line under it all and we move foward where we prioritise each other.

WTAF
Totally out of order, I’m not surprised that you’re angry about this - I think even 4 days is too long, he should cancel the whole trip.

The group of friends is so toxic - are they all new? How did he meet them, through work or a hobby?

The fact you said he told you one was planning on telling his wife the DAY before, when it is half term, tells you how high they regard their OH’s. They’re encouraging each other to be dicks as if it’s a badge of honour among them and they score points for how shitty they can behave and get away with it.

Well done for showing him up. If he looks bad to THEM then you’re doing something right and he’s on the right track.

His ploy of being too tired to book the return flight (in the hopes that it would get booked up) was pathetic and blatant, you can imagine the kudos he’d have got among his vile, teenaged mates and the sniggering and high fives they’d have done among themselves if it had worked.

Well done for staying strong, laying boundaries and not budging. It’s interesting that you’re having to treat him like a naughty child and he’s responding as such by doing what he’s told now. Very weird dynamic but at least he’s realised the hell he’d unleash if he went through with his initial plan. Although he’s effectively away for the whole week if you only have the final weekend. Better than nothing though.

What an idiot.

Go visit your parents; have a spa day while you’re there. Ask parents to watch children one day while you catch up with old friends. Be strong!

Sorry I have not read the last few pages of the post… so apologises if this is outdated

DH going out to eat with friends two or three times a week is not normal when you are in a relationship let alone married with children.
why would you see the same friends three times a week? Are they doing a hobby?
if he says they are just eating and catching up that’s a bit unbelievable.
Do you know these friends well? Do you ever all go out friends and partners?
are you suspicious at all?

Why do you keep mentioning he works hard to provide and “help out” (I don’t get how one can “help out” in your own household.)

What does that have to do with the price of cheese? Does he think him earning, entitles him to act like a single man with a wife whose purpose is to manage his home and raise his kids?

His agreed to seeing his friends and limiting it to twice in 1 month. This is something very reasonable in my opinion. He said he wont jeapordise us over them but of course i cant and nor do i want to cut him off from his friends he also needs to socialize just like i do as well.
All of the above was said in front of my brother and his wife so i have witnesses to all of this as well.

yes he is going sunday evening and coming friday morning but a lesson has been learnt here and a lot of his money has gone down the bin to be honest. Im sure now he must have spent around £700 including the earlier return flight. Definatly not worth it to spend 4 full days. he asked if i could pick him up from the airport upon his return i said no he can arrange an uber himself to come back.

I agree i should have been clearer from the get go and said no and he should have told me when the plans were being discussed for morroco for 7 days. In all honesty now i will use those 5 days to plan a few day outings 2/3 with the kids and 1/2 self care days. I will also arrange some evenings out whilst he is here and he can watch the kids. We have agreed he wont come back and mention the trip and after returning he will focus on us. I think we have met a compromise here even though i feel like he has lost out more but it was clearly deserved.

He hasn't "lost out more", he's still going away for 5 days!
Don't let him off too lightly OP and don't start feeling guilty or feeling sorry for him.
I hope he sticks to his agreement to see his friends less when he's back.
Like others, I would be concerned as to what they are actually doing on this holiday. Do you have any idea what their plans are? Have you asked?

I’ll eat my hat if he draws a line under his bad behaviour on his return and then devotes himself to his family.
Put yourself in his position as a selfish, childish man and think about what is actually going on in his head. He will have whinged to his friends that the wife’s kicking off so he’s going to have to shorten the holiday a bit. He’ll be greatly relieved he still gets his trip with the lads (lots of sex tourism going on in Morocco). He will have no real, serious and mature intentions around family life, more an awareness that he needs to toe the line a bit to shut you up. He won’t change.

Yes but British parents don't gaslight daughters to stick in that situation. South Asians do. I am South Asian too.

The fact the he is still moaning about it screams volumes. Why is he acting like a teenager.

I’m glad you have found a short term solution OP. Clearly your husband is still gaining a lot more out of this than you are and things need to change going forward. His selfish antics are leaving you stressed and worried whilst he calmly uses your joint culture to get his own way.

I strongly recommend an in depth assertion training course for you, especially as he won’t go to couples counselling. This would help you take the emotion out of your communication and not be sidelined by him using it against you. As you are building up a more robust friendship/hobby group it will also give you somewhere to go on your nights out. I’m not sure I would tell him about it either, just let him feel the difference in your dynamics. That said it’s not great for either of you to have ‘the upper hand’ it’s better you use the assertiveness to improve everything. Good luck

Agree with all above - a group of men going for a jolly and it appears they all have little respect for wives/children/homelife. I’m so sorry to say this but I think you should be very, very concerned about this trip, he should cancel.

My cynical mind is saying he’ll have already cancelled that earlier flight for a refund.
Then whilst he’s away, there’ll be some disaster that causes him to “miss” his flight. But no worries, the original one wasn’t cancelled so he’ll just use that.
Of course “not my fault, it couldn’t be helped”

He sounds like he’s emotionally checked out from your marriage & prioritising friends & fun times. Getting your family to validate his decisions too. He chose the one he’d most likely get support from.

I agree with PP who suggested assertiveness training or other class for self improvement would help you going forward.

Glad to see you have reached a compromise. Make sure this twice a month isn't so vague though, he can see his friends every 2nd Friday for example so there is a clear and expected pattern otherwise it will be a extra Saturday night this month and only once next month but there will conveniently be another reason they need to go out an extra day again.
Have a similar arrangement for non negotiatiable family days/nights that he can't swap to spend with friends. In writing.

Why does he need an excuse? Can't he just tell his friends that he has realised how very selfish he is being leaving his wife alone without any support for a week with no hope of getting a break?

I think this is a hood compromise.

How would he feel if you did this to him with a days notice like his friend intends on doing with his wife?

It’s a lack of respect to do this and not mention it, expecting the other person to pick up all of the slack without so much as a conversation, it’s not like you haven’t been easy going, I mean, it’s great that he’s hands on as many aren’t but it’s not something I’d be happy with at all.

To say another way:

what he negotiated:

• DH gets 4 full days away plus 2 1/2 days travelling time
• He’s got it ‘verbally agreed’ in front of your family to 2 outings per month
• He has made himself the centre of attention for days
• All while acting the victim and calling you mental

What you negotiated:

• he gets 5 days away (in effect) not 7
• he does basic parenting 2 days over half term
• he doesn’t go on about it afterwards
• what else?

Hmm. 😐

Just got back from dinner with friends and i am in such a better mood. I think because i cut off from my friends during maternity i was jealous my husband had that natural freedom to meet friends. I had a baby i was soley bfding and did not sleep at all!!

ive come to a very clean house smelling lovely…..
so i can see he is making an effort :)