Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

So he'd rather seriously hurt YOU & risk his relationship instead of losing the respect of his equally twatty friends who are also pissing off & leaving their wives & kids at half term?! What a prick.

Out of the entire thread i know that this is the best response and i agree with it all. But i know i am a stubborn person as well. I am jealous but also fearful he will do this often.

I'm exhausted reading this self-serving, spoilt, 'me me me' bullshit of his.

Here's the bottom line: he has no respect for you. At all.

Would he tell his boss or one of these friends or any man he looks up to or regards as an equal that he's buggering off for seven days and dumping his week's responsibilities into their lap without so much as discussing it with them first?

No. Because he respects them and cares what they think of him.

Not so with you.

He simply still objects to the fact that you haven't just rolled over and uncomplainingly picked up all his obligations for him. Because he thinks he's entitled to that. To your labour and time, as though you are an appliance there to facilitate his life rather than a person and equal partner.

I can't tell you whether this is misogyny (at a cultural or familial level) or simple contempt for you specifically, but I'd hazard a guess based on what you've shared...

Sorry, OP, but that's the stark reality as I see it.

It's one of the worst responses. Please do the Freedom Programme. And get tested for STIs if you have unprotected sex after he comes back.

What does a lovely wife and family at home even mean? You aren't a set of Lego figures! Doesn't he care about closeness to his children?

What a crock of shit this is!

Stop sulking OP and let him have his fun!
Why should she do the child care 24/7 without even being asked while he skips off and enjoys his hands free week?
This response is appalling! You are basically telling her to put up and shut up to keep the peace and to keep him happy.
Seriously??

And the patronising way you tell the OP to "calm down"
😡😡😡

no offense op, but do you two actually like each other? it really seems like you don't like him and he doesn't like you

No.

I'm saying the holiday is agreed now so no point sulking over it. Resolution can't be reached when both sides are defensive; her - how could you do this, him - this is the only time I've ever done this.

They both need to step away and calm down. The marriage is clearly a mess for it to have come to this. Getting carried away with an angry mob either side (holiday friends for him, this thread for her) is a lose lose. They need to neutralise and then get to a place where they can listen to each other. Then hopefully things never get to this state again.

You really don’t know how to communicate and compromise as a couple at all. You are both extremely confrontational, giving each other ultimatums and the silent treat, using money as a scorecard. This is simply no way to live.

As my earlier post - he’s a master negotiator and manipulator.

He managed to engineer a situation where you’re the mental one for challenging him. You think you’re getting a ‘win’ by him only being away 4 days (actually 5 including travel) and 2 days per month with friends. You didn’t negotiate anything for yourself and in the cold light of day are left seething by what’s happened. You are projecting him doing it again because you know nothing has really changed.

In part I agree with a PP you need to let it go now. You’ve lost this battle but need to focus on winning the war when he comes back, by setting boundaries for you both in a calmer environment. It’s terrible to use war analogies, but it sounds like that’s what it is.

LTB

So an update i suppose- so it turns out now one of the friends wife is really upset as well and she wants to send her 14 year old son with his dad LOL
so my husband literally said that is fine we dont want to cause any issues in anyones family life. I asked my husband why and he said shes clearly suspicious but all were doing is literally sight seeing and going to a few restaurants. I said wow just what a holiday before you even go look at the drama. i said can you see how you are grown men not single and you have responsibilities and i bet your friend also told her last minute or what if she had something planned and is upset theyre going for a whole week.

Anyway my husbands been really apologetic and said he will never make the same mistake again and he has been making an effort and telling me things in advance etc like even today he said lets go out for dinner . I told him i would have let him gone happily if he had discussed it and it was advance notice. Im over the anger and just told him hes damaged the trust and that will take time to heal. Hes going sunday night and coming back friday morning. So he has 4 days to explore with his friends. Theyre all coming back on Sunday.

lol so they now have a 14 year old tagging round with them? 🤣

Isnt it ridiculous lol my husband said its fine and he will try to get an extra single bed arranged in the hotel….he did say to another friend that let the husband and wife talk it over tonight and just ask him what theyv decided tomorrow.

That’s a good outcome @Anonymous20003000

Im 😂😂 and 😳😳 at the fact t it took him seeing the impact on someone else marriage to actually see how shitty this was.
I suppose it took the heat and the unfairness out the situation and allowed him to see from a different perspective. And maybe having two wives saying the same thing made then think twice too….

Please start taking time for yourself too.
It’s great he has time with his friends. But you deserve the same, regardless of what form this takes for you.

I told him this numerous times that not everyones wife is going to be happy just you watch and now one wife wants to send her 14 year old with the dad! LOL
whether or not the kid goes its just hilarious really. I said maybe i should send our kids with u too… then id happily say go for the full week hahahaha

Its just the way they went about it . These things need to be discussed especially if going away for a whole week

No. Marriage should be an equal
partnership. You make children together, you both have responsibility. Neither one of you can just leave to go on holiday at a moments notice.

Had he given her the courtesy of discussing it, she has said she’d have been fine with it.

Time off should be equal and a penis doesn’t give you a special ‘get out of parenting whenever you like, without organising an alternative’ card.

I somewhat agree. I think it has all gone a bit too far now. Either ruin the trip or have them make it up to you after. But to do both is just vindictive imo.

I would look at my partner differently if they thought they had the right to continuously punish me for one selfish mistake.

Exactly this. I honestly would have had no issue i would have also found them things to do !! Lol, but i wouldnt say 7 days id still stick to 5 because i dont like the idea of him coming on a sunday and kids go back on a Monday and no time spent with them.
marriage has to work from both sides. Of course were only human and we make mistakes . Apart from this and hes regular gatherings the past year everything was perfect. But im glad theyre all just going to meet twice a month. I said to my husband you dont know whats going on behind closed doors . She clearly has significant issues with her husband if she wants to send her 14 year old son. But we can’t judge we dont know what theyv been through or are going through… i said you all went around this the wrong way.

I think its become a big mess, like i said were okay now he made the mistake and ive said go enjoy your 4 days but we need to work together when u come back and hes already making an effort and has apologised profusely.
now to find out today that one if the friends wife wants to send her 14 year old it just shows that they all have their own issues… i do wonder if this is the friend who wanted to tell his wife last minute LOL

The problem is that these men (or at least the OP’s dh) didn’t get how much they were taking their dwife for granted, how disrespectful they were, until they had to face that it wasn’t just ‘their’ wife who was unhappy. It wasn’t just their spouse thinking the behaviour was unacceptable.

Before facing the fact at least two of them were apoplectic about it, the OP’s dh didn’t feel the need to really put themselves into question. It was just @Anonymous20003000 being difficult.

So whilst yes I agree a mistake should be ‘forgiven’, the importance of the mistake should be acknowledged (and it wasn’t really until then). Because otherwise, it just happens again.
And that’s on him.
And it’s a shame it took two women to really come down onto them with a sledge hammer for the dh to realise. Because if he had listened and and realised the hurt he gave the OP, this would have been resolved a long time ago

I agree , for me the main thing is to acknowledge the mistake and to not do it again because lets be honest it shouldn’t really have come to this. All he had to do was let me know , discuss it and agree its fine for 5 days. I can see that this other friends wife might have taken it much worse or perhaps her husband also spent much more time with friends. Something must have built up to it for her to now say take your son as well…

Nicely played by the wife 🫡