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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband going away

552 replies

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 12:55

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 12/10/2024 12:58

That's really sneaky and selfish.

I'd be furious if my husband did that.

And when yours was meeting up with his friends three times a week, how often did you go out?

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:00

TheShellBeach · 12/10/2024 12:58

That's really sneaky and selfish.

I'd be furious if my husband did that.

And when yours was meeting up with his friends three times a week, how often did you go out?

I didnt to be honest i left work on burnout and started maternity. Then my baby became very clingy so no i rarely went out to see any friends i think in my entire maternity leave i met with friends twice.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2024 13:01

He’s behaving like a single man. Astonished at how laid back you were about him going out 3 times each week. Completely out of order.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/10/2024 13:01

Y absolutely NBU.

Tell him it’s a shame he’s lost that money as there’s a family holiday booked.

What on earth is he thinking?

If you’re going to do this, half term is not the time! Unless you were perhaps a teacher and you’d got the full agreement of your other half.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:03

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2024 13:01

He’s behaving like a single man. Astonished at how laid back you were about him going out 3 times each week. Completely out of order.

It was the evenings where they would eat out and just catch up but it became ridiculous because i would meal prep and id be annoyed he wouldnt eat at home

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:04

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/10/2024 13:01

Y absolutely NBU.

Tell him it’s a shame he’s lost that money as there’s a family holiday booked.

What on earth is he thinking?

If you’re going to do this, half term is not the time! Unless you were perhaps a teacher and you’d got the full agreement of your other half.

To be fair i am a teacher and he has a flexible job so he does help during the school week with pick up and drops offs. So when we do go on holidays its always in half term. If i had to pick i would need him more during school instead of half term

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 12/10/2024 13:05

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:03

It was the evenings where they would eat out and just catch up but it became ridiculous because i would meal prep and id be annoyed he wouldnt eat at home

I'm surprised you didn't have lots of rows about this.
It's a waste of food, apart from being disrespectful to you.

MilkOnTheSide · 12/10/2024 13:05

He and his friends sound absolutely awful. What a selfish group of men.

Littys · 12/10/2024 13:07

Absolutely unbelievable that you have tolerated this.
He has checked out of your marriage completely and thinks he is single.
What a truly selfish man.
Deal breaker for me.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:07

TheShellBeach · 12/10/2024 13:05

I'm surprised you didn't have lots of rows about this.
It's a waste of food, apart from being disrespectful to you.

I did get annoyed and frustrated to be honest but what more could i do? He helps a lot around the house and is a hard worker to provide. But i just feel like why couldnt he tell me???

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:08

Now i feel quite down that me and the kids have nothing to do over half term. I always feel like half term is family time.

OP posts:
Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 12/10/2024 13:09

Agree with pp. He is behaving like a single man.
Why are you putting up with this OP?

Didimum · 12/10/2024 13:10

Are they fucking children? Honestly OP, I know LTB suggestions are thrown around sometimes willy nilly on here but I would tell my DH to cancel the trip or end our relationship for it – his choice. Any reasonable discussion on him going ended when he decided to book it behind your back. Unforgivable to me and this is not a marriage.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:10

Hes blaming me saying i should have said no very clearly from the start. He works hard to provide and help out. And to get over it now as decision has been made etc

OP posts:
BibbityBobbityToo · 12/10/2024 13:10

To be honest, that would make me a bit suspicious. Do you know these friends, have partner meet ups, see photos on FB etc?

My suspicious mind would have me quietly looking for any signs of an affair, and the possibility the 'other women' could in reality be an 'other man'.

I would definitely be going away for the holiday you've booked, just you and the kids, maybe see how you feel having a practice run at being a single parent as DH is enjoying his life as a single man rather than a family man.

AutumnLeaves24 · 12/10/2024 13:11

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:08

Now i feel quite down that me and the kids have nothing to do over half term. I always feel like half term is family time.

Well, to be fair, he did tell you they were going away in the half term AGES ago.

That was the time for that discussion (re half term).

Morocco seems like a bigger 'few days away' than I was imagining & id be livid if he hadn't discussed it all properly with me before he booked flights & hotel!!

Didimum · 12/10/2024 13:12

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:10

Hes blaming me saying i should have said no very clearly from the start. He works hard to provide and help out. And to get over it now as decision has been made etc

Oh, so it’s YOUR fault? Bullshit and he knows it. The old ‘better to ask for forgiveness than permission’ trope. Not acceptable.

DeeCeeCherry · 12/10/2024 13:13

two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week.Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term*

Your H is behaving as if he's single. No doubt you'll have some come on here and try to frame it as he's allowed to go away, you're being controlling etc. But it's not about that. He already spends more than enough time with his friends.

Love and marriage means compromising, that's the nature of it. Living single life whilst married rather than just remaining single and keeping your laddish behavior to yourself is beyond rude, and not what the other person has signed up for.

I go away with friends once yearly, sometimes days away or evenings out, no issue. But no way would I want or need to be on phone regularly + meet up with them every single week, over a meal. & then just expect partner to put up with all that? I wouldn't, you're either present in the relationship or not. Be considerate.

The frequency is odd. Are you sat home with the DCs whilst your H is out so regularly with his mates?

These types just want a cook clean wash push out kids facilitator to make life comfortable for them. I'm not sure what you can do about it really apart from leaving, if that's what you choose to do. Or stay and build a separate life, which is pretty sad for a married couple

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:13

hes never gone away with his friends since weve been married for 15 years. Hes always gone with us and treated us etc. there all in their 40s narried with kids and say they want a friends holiday

all im saying is why didnt he just tell me its like he got so excited did all the booking and then said whoops

OP posts:
jackstini · 12/10/2024 13:15

He is unreasonable for booking it without giving you the full details first

You should have been crystal clear though that it was completely unacceptable to go! No idea why you says what you did

It's ok for married people to do things without each other. DH & do go out and away on holiday with our friends, but we do it fairly and check with each first, because that's the right thing to do!

Going forward you both need to take equal time for yourselves and the family

For this half term, can you and the kids go away without him? I've done that before either on our own or with another friend and their dc

You need to take back some control and agree what's acceptable to you

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:16

AutumnLeaves24 · 12/10/2024 13:11

Well, to be fair, he did tell you they were going away in the half term AGES ago.

That was the time for that discussion (re half term).

Morocco seems like a bigger 'few days away' than I was imagining & id be livid if he hadn't discussed it all properly with me before he booked flights & hotel!!

No he mentioned going away on tuesday to europe for 3/4 days then thursday told me flights and hotel were booked for morroco for 7 days

OP posts:
MyEarringsAreGreen · 12/10/2024 13:16

Both my partner and I have separate trips away with friends, no one stops the other. We have kids that the other can be with. The difference is we ASK each other if the dates are OK before anything gets booked! And usually 3-4 days max - a week is too long, especially if your kids are small.

Lemons1571 · 12/10/2024 13:17

Well basically, intially he was testing the water for your reaction. You didn’t kick off or say hmm not sure or no so in the absence of a negative response, he took that as a green light.

So he was a childish twat. But I do think you perhaps should have been clear and honest when it was first mentioned, rather than your sarky “oh yeah ok”

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:18

Lemons1571 · 12/10/2024 13:17

Well basically, intially he was testing the water for your reaction. You didn’t kick off or say hmm not sure or no so in the absence of a negative response, he took that as a green light.

So he was a childish twat. But I do think you perhaps should have been clear and honest when it was first mentioned, rather than your sarky “oh yeah ok”

I 100% agree but his never been this anrupt we take ages planning trips before we book . Well he did say that hes learnt a lesson… but again his still going as its all non refundable

OP posts:
AmeliaEarache · 12/10/2024 13:20

Your two year old is also non-refundable. He’s just leaving you with all childcare and no discussion?

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