Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

FFS it is not helping!! Stop saying and thinking it.

Can't believe he has booked all of half term away from his family. Genuinely shocked. And my ex was as selfish as hell.

I would go on abroad with the children and have a fabulous time. Don't stay at home dwelling. He will not be thinking of you and the children while in Morocco.

Tough. Or would he rather lose his wife?

Tell him that he's lost your respect.

He and his mates sound juvenile.

I can't imagine his friends' wives/partners are delighted about them buggering off over half-term either.

If it were me, I'd make it clear to him I don't want him to go. If he goes, I'd say he's risking his stuff being in binbags outside when he gets back. I'd let him stew all week. He won't enjoy it and he won't do it again!

See a holiday as a one off really wouldn’t bother me massively as I do think it’s important for parents to still have their own time & time with friends. BUT the booking it and just telling me afterwards would really annoy me, there’s absolutely an expectation in my marriage that things like that require a discussion and agreement.

Op, just go on your holiday as planned and try to have a good time with your kids. I take it that you should have been going away all together?
And then deal with him when he returns.

He sounds very selfish in that he didn't even think about consulting you about this trip to Morocco.

Is he usually so selfish?

He isn't helping around the house, or providing. He's contributing to the upkeep of the home he shares. Paid work = providing is nonsense, a reasonable state would pay childcare.

He needs to cancel and write off the loss. You laughed off his first suggestion because it was absurd. His behaviour since then has been sly, entitled, and controlling.

You're not clingy but enjoying new family life. Why can't he? Those stages pass so fast with children. His friends are big grown people. They can wait.

You deserve respect and first priority!

Ive never ever told anyone anything over the last 15 years. My family never knows if we have argued or having problems. I do this because i love and respect him but now i feel like i wasnt respected or valued enough to be told about this.

now he is angrily saying is it just the issue of the holiday and going with my friends? Shall i not go then will u be fine.
i feel like its emotional blackmail? Weve been through so much but over the past year hes been so obsessed with his friends that he cant see it.

But now im thinking he will not get over this and it will create bigger issues?? If he doesnt go?? I just cant believe its an entire week! At least tell me before u book the bloody tickets

This sounds like a communication problem. You've mentioned a few times that he's a good provider etc etc. When he was angling for this trip away it would have been better to have been clear about your objections. He seems to have taken that as a green light, then gone ahead and booked a non refundable holiday.

You seem unsure of your 'rights' in this situation which he has exploited to his advantage. I say that as someone who supported my ex-husband's need to play his sport. This eventually turned into his right to all free time when we had children. He was very selfish but I didn't stand up for myself and simmered with resentment. In hindsight I wished I had fought my corner more because resentment is so toxic. I felt so guilty for clipping his wings and therefore did little which allowed him to completely take the p**s.

Perhaps your husband has enjoyed his taste of family-less freedom and is taking it too far. Now would be a good time to have that discussion, however uncomfortable for you, about what's acceptable for both of you. Also to let him know how unhappy and disappointed you are with him.

And don't forget to have a think about what you'd like to enjoy without your family. As mothers we tend to be far too selfless.

Loving and respecting him doesn't mean having no support network! Please don't isolate yourself.

Standing up for your rights as wife and mother and partner is not emotional blackmail.

His friends sound weird and inappropriate.

That was my ex-husband's favourite trick. Do something selfish and then try to guilt me for spoiling his fun, dick.

On one hand you say you take ages planning family holidays and on the other you say you wanted to surprise him at half term. Half term is literally a week or two away - did you have something booked?

On Tuesday when he suggested it was the time to have said that would be fine but this half term we have plans, or I'm uncomfortable with you going away for that long, but you didn't. You said Go. Although you felt this was joking and also joked he'd have no where to come home to. He probably thought it was all a joke and you were ok with it.

I think you need to sit down and properly talk this through. What is annoying you about it the most - him choosing his friends over you, him not discussing it more first, trust?

Then plan for the half term without him. Can his parents help out or your parents? Can you plan days out with the kids?

Regardless of your relationship surviving this week away you have half term to get through.

No rash decisions. Grown up conversation.

Part of me wants to know if non refundable includes potentially switching to a family holiday another time, but I don't think I'd be able to stay in a partnership treated like this. How dare he say you didn't say no clearly enough, he should take responsibility for his actions and although jokily delivered, the idea that he may not have wife and kids to come back to hardly sounds like a yes! Agree with other posts there's a tone of gratitude in your messages that makes me uncomfortable. Hope you can talk to a friend or a counsellor, it's easy to lose sight of your own needs when you've got young kids, but he is being a total dick, sorry

I have mixed feelings about this and whilst I think you are right to be furious about this, heartbroken that he wants to go away with his friends is a little dramatic. Loving someone and being in a family doesn't have to exclude a life outside of this.

He's completely out of order for just booking this without discussing it properly. A week in Morocco is very different to a long weekend in Amsterdam or Brighton!

As a couple, I would discuss before booking any trip and definitely would with young children involved.

If money isn't an issue and there's still opportunity for a family holiday, I don't have a problem with separate trips at all, in fact I encourage it. It's good to do your own thing.

But again, this is something planned and agreed in a way that works for everyone not just one person.

I’ll be honest a part of me also thinks he will love this time away and it might become a yearly occurrence!

Im really hurt because i thought we were both in this same mindset. Hes always shared things but this was so sudden. Its like hes friends are childish and might be as close to their families. Its like dealing with a child mixing with the wrong friendship group only theyre all in mid 30s early 40s!!!

i wouldnt care if it were 3 days that too in europe and at least there would be some days left of half term to spend with the kids.

He's a dick head. He's trying to have a single life whilst being married with kids. Of course being married doesnt mean you have to be joined at the hip but it also does NOT mean he now gets to go on holidays with his stupid mates for a week leaving you alone with the children. It's selfish AF. I bet he wouldnt like it if you did it.

I'd be making him choose - he either wants the single life where he can do whatever the heck he likes or he respects his life with me. He cannot have both.

He doesn’t want to loss respect of his friends?????? What about your respect of him?
My ex (long long ago) did things like this. Am a very laidback person and mistakenly trusted him so didn’t put my foot down. The saying “give an inch and they take a mile “comes to mind. He got so used to getting his own way that when it came down to important matters to me ie going to my friends wedding when I was 8months pregnant, he wouldn’t come and went to footy. It didn’t end well.
You need to ask him to make a choice family man or single man, if he had 50/50 PR that would certainly clip his wings.

I mean when we go abroad we plan few weeks before hand this was a one off surprise trip i booked and i gave hints for the last few months.

we have tried to talk about this but he is not budging on what hes done he said he wont do it again. But its like the damage is done? I feel really angry and ive told him he has prioritised his friends and i did say this has been building up for a year when i had my baby as he was alwaus going out to eat with them. Going back to work has saved me but i feel like things are being twisted and i am being emotionally blackmailed

It’s really shitty of him to try and deflect blame for his thoughtless behaviour onto you and try to make you the bad guy in all this.

I would personally be telling him that if this is something he feels is fine for him to do, you’re giving him fair warning that you’re taking the spring half term for yourself to go somewhere nice with your friends, so to make sure he has the leave booked to look after his children. And if he has a problem with that, keep asking him how it is different to what he is doing.

He genuinely is not a prize, OP. He’s not keen on communication and would rather save face with his mates than consider his own family’s wants and needs. Whether you feel like you want to put up with this longer term is up to you. He’s clearly got form for behaving like he’s still single: can he grow up and become a full-time member of the family or not?

I think you are being emotionally blackmailed too.

So what will you do about the trip you booked?

Can you change it?

He really is a selfish dickhead