Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

Love the suggestion of just leaving him to it Saturday morning.

Have you asked him how he would have felt had you turned around and said, "Sorry, no. I booked a spa week away with friends, and I booked first. You'll have to stay home with the children."

Surely he has to see how grossly unreasonable he's being here!

@Anonymous20003000

sorry, I got the impression from your posts this was over a period of time, not all last week.

its a bit weird (to me) that he'd tell you they were doing a friends holiday in half term on Tuesday, then you booked a 'family holiday', before Thursday.

i think you're both in the wrong here.

but him more so saying 3/4 days in Europe, then booking an entire week in Morocco!!

why don't you take the kids on the holiday you have booked??

I would insist he add you and the children to the trip then, frankly.

Tell him then you'll make it a family holiday and he best get booking sorted for all of you.

Yet you didn't tell him about the family holiday you sneakily booked??

like I say, I think you're both in the wrong.

take a friend & the kids on the holiday you've booked, then when you all get back, have a bloody good discussion about life going forward!

I think they have a kind of weird lads thing going on.

'Haha let's book a blokes holiday, if we railroad/ gaslight/ don't tell the little women we can defo get away with it. Anyone here not macho enough to get away with it? Right. Let's book something non refundable'.

I booked a few days away in london for us but luckily its all refundable. He knew i wanted to do something over october half term mentioning it so many times over last few months.

I would be furious if DH did something like this. The fact that his friend hasn't even told his wife yet demonstrates they know how outrageous it is. They are treating their wives like the default parent. You are acting like that too when you say that he helps you as if it's your job to look after them. I'm not sure why he gets praise for providing for them either especially given you also earn a decent salary.

I booked a few days away in london for us but luckily its all refundable. He knew i wanted to do something over october half term mentioning it so many times over last few months. I booked a massage at a spa as well for us.

I would just tell him he needs to take the children on his trip as you've decided to go solo and are leaving tomorrow.

I actually did do that (went on a trip with friends) when DH did something similar. It wasn't the first time he announced a "last minute trip" but it was the last.

I hope you told him that he’s lost your respect.

im at that point thinking what can i do?

He’s an arse. How dare he book this and turn it around on you. He’s not only put you out completely over the half term, he’s also drained you and increased your mental load with his underhandedness beforehand.

I’d stuggle to let this go - it’s just so selfish! When/ where are you going on your week holiday?

Make arrangements for him not to come home after, as I said. Maybe arrange some sessions with Relate, but don’t accept him back until he accepts how far over the line he went. That he should treat you with such disdain and contempt is beyond the pale. He needs to be very very sorry before he gets to play happy families again after this stag week; you a your children aren’t toys to be picked up and set down according to his whims!

WTAF??

He and his friends have all been very selfish. Yes, it’s fine to have a holiday with your mates, but not telling your partners until shortly before is the issue. Especially as it’s over half-term!

That’s what you need to make clear to him-now that you have children, he needs to discuss arrangements with you well in advance so you can plan for them. It’s not being controlling, it’s being practical. My DH is coming back from a week away today, but it was arranged months ago with my full knowledge.

As PP’s have said, these daft friends are acting as if they’re single and they’re not, they have joint responsibility for their families.

In this instance, I’d be practical and get the refund on the London trip. Can you do something else with the children over half-term, such as visit family so you have some help?

Personally, I wouldn’t split up over this, I’d give him a warning that this must never happen again-one strike and you’re out.

Doesn’t matter how you spin it. I could write reams about what this behaviour says about him but the short text is…

He’s a childish selfish manipulating cunt. He needs to grow up.

Tell him to go, but tell him you will discussing
'life' when he gets back.

Then get yourself sorted with the kids for half term.

get London cancelled, that's no fun solo with 2 small kids!

Anyone who could have the kids for a couple of days so you can get a bit of a rest?

Maybe book somewhere 'easy' to take 2 little ones? Longleat for a couple of nights?

Local days out?

Easy meals, chill days.

maybe book a cleaner & get the house cleaned top to bottom.

You could do the same thing. Book a trip away, tell him at the last minute and if he complains point out that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

Why the fuck do men do this? They want kids but when it comes down to it, they fuck off and play about like they're single men again. They aren't. When you have a family, your holiday time is devoted to them. Sure there might be times when both parents get something special for themselves for birthdays, but during term time holidays where the kids are home, the family unit should be spending family time together.

I wouldn't stand for that. He can't just go away and expect you to do everything, where's your break?

Decide what you’re happy to accept and what you’re not. And stick to that.

Tell him what is non negociable (could be always letting you know ahead of trips planned, not assuming you’re there to pick up the pieces, being a responsible father, not one that just helps etc….)
Tell him that it’s either that or you’re finished.
If he doesn’t stick in his end of the bargain, leave.

Boundaries, boundaries.

That’s not a functional marriage.

Let him go. Book ibiza for you an a friend for the end of season party and stay at that uisha life's to short. Enjoy life you don't need to be together all the time

You mentioned not talking about your marriage to your near and dear ones for the last few years? Do you have good friends or supportive family, a counsellor or pastoral contact at work, or progressive religious person (vicar or sister or whatever) to talk to? You need air and light on this awful situation where you have to backtrack on your family treat because of your husband's homosocially bonded group of wastemen.