Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

@Anonymous20003000 I think you need to break down what the issues are.

1. He's a dick and booked a holiday without discussing it with you?

1. You don't want him going on holiday without you and the kids?

1. You don't like/approve of his friends?

1 is absolutely reasonable but 2 and 3 are more tricky. You don't have to like his friends and it's ok to do this separately as long as there's money and time to prioritise a family holiday too.

Yes, you are being emotionally blackmailed and you don't have to accept this.

If he told me i was thinking about going to Morroco with my friends for an ENTIRE WEEK during HALF TERM i would have said no.

if he went for 3/4 days fine we would still have time to spend in half term as a family. But when he comes back were all back to school and work again.

i said its ironic how ur meet ups reduced because some of you said family time should be prioritsed but here u are booking an entire week away.

How would it be if you booked a week abroad with the girls, expecting him to do all the childcare for that week and gave two days’ notice and ignored any pushback? If he would not find that acceptable he shouldn’t do it to you.

What about OP's chance to have a holiday away with her friends whilst he looks after his kids? I think you left that one out......

But he didn't discuss this with you before. I think this is the issue?

It sounds like he used your maternity leave as an opportunity to build up a whole new friends network that excluded you while you were left at home with a new baby and your other child.

I'm not surprised that you are seeing him in a whole new light now.

His mate didn't say this, his mates wife did. I bet it's the friend who's not going to tell her until the day before (he won't be going). The disrespect is unreal , can't believe he's trying to turn this on you

@guccibag absolutely which I think is reflected in my previous post about people being able to do their own things as well as with family.

Not sure why I needed your snippy response tbh.

I am angry he booked a non refundable trip to morroco for the whole 7 days of half term! He did not mention it all to me that this was done.

I'm a teacher too, so I get the whole half term thing. Looking after your own children alone in your holiday isn't a holiday.

He's been a twat. But it's booked now.

I'm in the "have your own holiday for the entire week in Feb half term" camp.

Stop saying he "helps out", it's his house, his family to, he's not "helping"!!!

OP do you know these friends and their wives/partners. Something about this doesn't sound right to me. This has all just happened over the last year. He never used to go out with them as much before?

I may just be an old cynic but are you sure he is going with his friends?

I’ll correct that for you;

‘he does help out…’

Should be;

’he does do some of the joint responsibilities that come with the children we both created’

And I'll say it too. HE IS NOT HELPING, YOU ARE A PARTNERSHIP!! He needs to do his bit as part of that partnership.

He's a selfish twat.

It is utterly contemptuous and shows a complete lack of regard for you as an individual, your children or you as a family.

And you're absolutely right to be angry but I do think my previous advice to think about the other issues is important. Because this needs to be discussed and resolved for the future whether this trip happens or not.

You are with a man who:

deceives you
leaves you
gaslights you
disrespects you
doesn't consider his children’s and your welfare over time and over that week
manipulates you into backing down in case he becomes more unpleasant

Also, as he’s proven he can’t be trusted, can you trust hat he’s not seeing someone else?

I would use the week he’s away to put my affairs in order and start getting organised to split. Do you want to reach old age and be sad that you put up with this? You’ll have such little respect for him by then - only bitterness. You deserve better.

With respect, why the fuck are you putting up this? His lack of respect is utterly astonishing. What’s happened to you that has left you feeling that this is acceptable?!

I’d literally end a relationship over this.

Hes job changed and it became much more
flexible , yes they are definately a group of men as ive seen the chats etc and heard the calls

I thought this too ... are you sure he's going with friends ?

Me too and frankly, I'd be surprised if they weren't shagging around the second they get off the plane.

I like this. LOL.

Would it be acceptable for you to go out 3 days a week? Would it be acceptable if you book a holiday with your friends for a week? If the answer is "no", then why is he doing this and why are you accepting him doing this? He is 50% responsible for the parenting of your children. None of the things you do for your children is "helping" it is called "parenting." But it seems he isn't a parent, but just yet another worthless turd.

He didn't check in advance because he knew you would be horrified.

What a jerk.