To be annoyed by hearing my DH saycomplishment today is making you laugh - to his work colleague

[Yuai]

My DH has a female work colleague with whom he has become increasingly friendly. They often chat when he’s WFH. I overheard a few interesting comments from him to her over time, but today, I overheard him saying to her: “I achieved something today, and that’s “her name” to make you laugh and put a smile on your face”. WTAF. They are both in highly professional-level roles. I personally wouldn’t dare make these kinds of comments to my colleagues. I asked them about his comment, and he said she’s a very close and supportive colleague. Frankly, he’s been very moody before becoming friends with her, so in a way, having her makes his highly stressful job manageable and improves his mood. But is this too much? He said some other questionable things to her too..

Does anyone else feel like there’s a difference between women saying this stuff and calling people love, sweetheart, darling, and men saying this stuff?

Men only talk like this to women. Women (some women I suppose) talk like this to everyone, there’s no discernment between men and women.

This makes a difference to me.

I told my male colleague this week that I loved him and that seeing him in the rota made my day.

We're both in very happy and loving relationships and it meant nothing more than friendship. So 🤷‍♀️

Well yes it's because men are socialised to be more gentle with women than with men. Have you heard the way some men talk to each other? "You fat bastard" can be a term of endearment between two mates but they'd never dream of speaking to a woman like that.
Many men feel they have to be tough and jokey with each other, but can show a softer side with women.
I strongly dispute that this is sexual though. Here in Yorkshire a man will call a 90 year old woman "love", a small child whatever. Just a gentler way of conversing.
So yes, I'm sure some men would feel really happy if they made a male colleague smile, but they would never, ever say it! Because men aren't socialised to speak to each other like that. Everyone would take the piss.

Just to make it very clear, my DH doesn’t speak this affectionately to any colleagues, friends, or close family. I don’t remember when he talked to me this way. He shows affection to me in different ways - for instance, always supporting me, etc.- but certainly I don’t get

• you made my day.

He isn't unhappy talking to me. He’s down about his job a lot. But he cheers up with her.

This is how people ‘fall into’ affairs. ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen…’.

You made my day and I know you feel the same.

I keep coming back to that declaration, @Yuai. There is real intimacy there.

How often does he see her in person?

As you say, he only reaches out and speaks affectionately to this one person. The feelings engendered by their dynamic bring him joy and put a spring in his step. He is very plugged into her issues and feelings, and is invested in bringing her comfort. All of this will be hugely flattering. They are in a validation bubble of caring, confiding, frisson and playfulness that is inappropriate for a married man.

It doesn’t sound like there is physical involvement at this point, but their exchange of emotional energy has escalated. This is the danger zone that Shirley Glass researched and wrote about — an innocent friendship crossing over into an inappropriate emotional relationship (or more) when boundaries are allowed to weaken, and focus and intimacy are shifted to the new person.

@Yuai, his line crossing and your valid, reasonable discomfort need to be addressed with him asap. Your marriage is in danger.

When your husband's self-stated achievement is to put a smile on another woman's face, it's saying that what she thinks and how she feels matters to him more than it should.

ETA the litmus test is - he would never say it to a male colleague ....

The obtuse comments on this thread! Unbelievable.

Thank you for your message. He’s wfh a lot and seldomly in the office. They have been working together for years, but lately, it seems he’s heavily invested in her well-being.

I think sometimes you just sense something feels different and others will tell you you are unreasonable or overreacting but it's just something that feels off.

Just watch but don't argue with him justbe aware which you already are.