To be annoyed by hearing my DH saycomplishment today is making you laugh - to his work colleague

[Yuai]

My DH has a female work colleague with whom he has become increasingly friendly. They often chat when he’s WFH. I overheard a few interesting comments from him to her over time, but today, I overheard him saying to her: “I achieved something today, and that’s “her name” to make you laugh and put a smile on your face”. WTAF. They are both in highly professional-level roles. I personally wouldn’t dare make these kinds of comments to my colleagues. I asked them about his comment, and he said she’s a very close and supportive colleague. Frankly, he’s been very moody before becoming friends with her, so in a way, having her makes his highly stressful job manageable and improves his mood. But is this too much? He said some other questionable things to her too..

There’s a world of difference between ‘I’m glad I could cheer you up’ and ‘I’ve achieved something today – I’ve put a smile on your face’. One is friendly and the other is intimate.

It astounds me that anyone would doubt when a woman knows her husband is speaking with intimacy and flirtatiousness. You know your husband. You know his tones and the expression on his face and all his mannerism, because you have known him intimately for years. That has nothing to do the old ‘men and women can be friends’ trope. OP has all the context here.

Depends on what he is normally like I think? Is he like this with other people or just her? It would ring alarms bells for me if my dh said this because he is quite detached with work colleagues. He will have a laugh and a joke but never says anything personal and is all business. So that combined with the mentionitus would definitely concern me.

Two things jump out about this which OP your spider senses have rightfully started flashing red.

1. He is an introvert and isn't like this with other colleagues. Definitely not with Helen from HR or John from Finance.
2. He is usually grumpy but seems to have his mood lifted when talking to her. I'll call her Jenny from Corporate.

Context is everything. It's useless PP saying they would talk to colleagues like this or that OP is paranoid. The DH isn't saying these things to Helen or John but solely to Jenny.

Thank you for your messages and views. Unsure what to think as he’s a great husband and a father. I have additional training ahead of me now for a year, meaning I will have to be away over the weekends, but he’s supportive and will be looking after the kids and house. He’s equally always at home when not in the office.
I sense he’s too supportive and caring towards her, as he isn’t to anyone else like this. He used to be very moody as his job was stressful, but she supported him at work, and I can see that lifted his mood. I don’t think he’s cheating, but I do think he’s maybe a bit crossing the line here - maybe subconsciously.

He would NOT have said that to b a male colleague (unless he is gay and sniffing around 😁)

You're concerned your husband has feelings for this woman. I would be too.

Trust your gut OP, after 20 years you know this is different. Tell him you're really glad he's got some support at work now but you're worried it's getting too close. Ask him if he'd talk the way he talks to her to a male colleague. Stay calm and reasonable and see what his response is.

No, it's odd and sounds flirty. I'd be annoyed.

Isn’t he allowed to flirt a bit? To lift an otherwise grey and corporate existence working for someone else in a job you don’t particularly enjoy?

I would probably just come out and ask if he fancies her. I sometimes think it’s best to be blunt and see what someone’s reaction is. His reaction will probably give you your answer. You can say you’ve heard him speaking on the phone in a flirty manner, it’s making you’re uncomfortable and you’d liked to know if he fancies her. Likely he’ll be embarrassed and tone down his behaviour. You are not wrong to find this uncomfortable and inappropriate. I don’t think he’d ever talk to a male coworker like this.

It sounds flirty, and in a cringey sort of way.

I mean for some people it’s in their partner’s (or their own) nature to speak like this. I might probably say it to a group of colleagues at work. But it sounds like it’s out of character for your husband and you’ve noticed other things too, so don’t doubt yourself. It will send you mad!

MN isn't a person. It's thousands of individuals, many of whom have the wisdom and life experience to know that the biggest threat to fidelity in a marriage to a decent person (who is not a deliberate serial cheat) is this sort of relationship. People who wouldn't dream of looking for an affair meet a new exciting colleague who they get on well with and spend a lot of time with, get progressively closer to them and develop feelings. Obviously not in every case, but often enough for it to be recognised as a risk and a warning flag in a marriage. All the anecdotes about other peoples platonic friendships and all the sneering at people for paranoia/control doesn't make this any less true.

I'd be suspicious OP, do hope this is completely unfounded. If you do a boring or difficult job, some people will regard any good thing as some sort of a victory though.

Maybe you see those as two different things but others don't

Your H needs to back off OP. He may fancy the colleague but he's potentially on slippery ground. Has he had formal sexual harassment training? What he said isn't off per se, it's how he said it and in what context. And, of course, how the colleague responded.

It sounds like normal workplace banter. 🤷‍♀️

He’s always down but very happy when talking to her.

Hmm. I honestly don't see anything unusual in your OP - "I've had a shit day but at least I made you laugh" is pretty normal, as is having a close and happily supportive relationship with one or more of your colleagues.

But ... “You made my day" - normal. "I know you feel the same” - not so normal. Emotional telepathy has not been part of any of my (very close) working relationships. It's not the same as saying something like "I could see you enjoyed that", it's kind of intrusive.

The mentionitis is also a worry - and a bigger worry when it suddenly stops 😬

The most concerning thing is that you say he's only happy when talking to her! Is he not happy talking to you? That must be incredibly painful and, if true, indicates there is indeed something wrong with your marriage.

OP does, that’s all that matters because she knows her husband best. Invalidating her discomfort is not it.

You literally admitted above that his behaviour is concerning.

Missing the point, but really liking the idea of a "saycomplishment"; a bit like something is an accomplishment because you say it is, like talking up crossing something off the to-do list. Good one.

One part of this problem is that people believe they need to act on those feelings. I've had some really lovely colleagues for whom I've definitely felt an over and above warm squishy feeling and attraction. That's nice, but I wouldn't in a million years consider actually acting on mutual attraction and 'taking things further' (yukky phrase). Collegial attraction is inevitable ‐we see some of the very best of other people at work, after all, but that's all. It should influence one's decision making or cloud judgement.

I think the tricky thing here is OP, there is nothing you can do to stop this escalating if its going to. You can put road blocks up to make it harder, but given the majority of contact between them is outside of your orbit, you can't stop it. You also can't stop his feelings. If he's made happy by this woman, that's outside of your control.

However, HE can stop this. And if this is early enough in the trajectory that your marriage is still more important to him than what he gets from the woman, he may be prepared to excercise some self control and create distance with her to prevent the escalation. He may be prepared to look to alternative ways to be happy than her company. He may decide to try to create with you what he has with her. In your shoes I'd be having a conversation where I pointed out the risks to your marriage, how these things can take on a life of their own. If he's a decent man who loves you, there is hope that he'll heed the warning.

Thank you all once again. What I mean by being unhappy is that he was very stressed at work and always down. From what I gather, she did help him as a colleague, and he’s managing his stress better and happier for it. For that part, I am grateful, as he was impossible to be around for a while.
He does sound preoccupied by her struggles, etc., but perhaps that’s because she helped him, so maybe he feels indebted. He’s otherwise a very decent person.

What was said in your previous posts could've been explained in a million different ways.

This, however, sounds rather dubious to me. If anything this is where I would've suspected emotional connection. This coined with the following actions means a conversation needs to be had.

The thing is, we're all human. We all (or nearly all) occasionally feel attracted to other people. Since I've been married I've fancied a few people and I'm sure DH has too (although he'd never tell me) and I think that's fine. I'd never do anything about it. I remember DH briefly had mentionitis about a colleague but I truly believe he wouldn't cheat on me.
Maybe your DH is a little bit attracted to her but I don't see that as the end of the world. As long as he would never dream about taking it further, it's fine.
Or maybe it's all purely platonic, matey behaviour.