To be annoyed by hearing my DH saycomplishment today is making you laugh - to his work colleague

[Yuai]

My DH has a female work colleague with whom he has become increasingly friendly. They often chat when he’s WFH. I overheard a few interesting comments from him to her over time, but today, I overheard him saying to her: “I achieved something today, and that’s “her name” to make you laugh and put a smile on your face”. WTAF. They are both in highly professional-level roles. I personally wouldn’t dare make these kinds of comments to my colleagues. I asked them about his comment, and he said she’s a very close and supportive colleague. Frankly, he’s been very moody before becoming friends with her, so in a way, having her makes his highly stressful job manageable and improves his mood. But is this too much? He said some other questionable things to her too..

We say similar in our work, on bad days where it doesn't feel like we've got much done. It's quite a jokey bunch though. All female office workers mid 30s to 60s, if it makes a difference.

I suppose this is one where it depends on how much you trust your DH, how hot the woman is, whether there are any other red flags... in itself I wouldn't give it another thought, if it were me.

Is he normally the gushing type?

I can think of a few people I know for whom this would be relatively normal.

If my ordinarily low key husband said it, I'd be worried. It is absolutely not his style.

Combined with the mentionitis, I think there are red flags (sorry). I say this from the perspective of a woman with me mostly male friends so I don't have that men and women can't talk without something going on thing. I just think the tone is weirdly sincere and not how you talk as mates.

To clarify, he works from home often, and when not wfh, he comes home in good time. I don’t see him texting anyone on the weekends. He’s normally reserved and doesn’t go out. We have been together for 20 years and have a solid relationship. His behaviour sounds odd but it could all be very friendly, too? I am confused.

I don’t think any of the things you’ve quoted are at all “bad”. And people in professional roles can still joke with colleagues, I don’t know what industry you work in but I’ve heard that sort of comment from a judge, several doctors, C-level management in large companies, social workers and nurses, etc.

However, I do think him striking up a friendship with a woman at work that he quickly becomes close to when he doesn’t normally have friendships with work colleagues is, potentially, a sign of an emotional affair (which may develop into something more). I have no advice for dealing with it but just want to say I don’t think you’re over reacting to be suspicious.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's enough. You need to talk to him and ask him about this - tell him how it makes you feel.

It sounds like he is being familiar. I wouldn’t comment or say anything just keep it in mind and see if it goes anywhere else, then take it from there.

You are allowed to dislike it. We all have our comfort levels, I’m similar and wouldn’t like it, but some posters seem to think it’s acceptable. No one is right or wrong.

That would make me very suspicious and unhappy. If it were just in your husband's nature to be a bit borderline flirtatious or garrulous with everyone, this wouldn't be as much of a red flag, but he's normally reserved, seems to perk up when he speaks with her, takes long calls with her out of your earshot, mentions her often, and makes awkwardly flirtatious comments to her? There may be nothing happening between them, but there's plenty to give the impression that he may at least have a crush on her. I'd be on alert and probably have a serious heart to heart conversation. If he's worth a damn, he'll care that you're feeling insecure and be more aware of how he's coming across.

I'd keep my ears open for more of the same type comments, but unless there is, it's not really a big deal, I'd say.

I was replying to a particular poster in that comment...

My next comment was to OP which did indeed accept that some of her later posts make it concerning.

And MN does have a tendency to act like you can't be friendly with colleagues

Well that's you

I have said to friends things like this

Someone having a bad day, you make them smile.

You having a bad day, they point out you've made them smile and you acknowledge that. "Well, if I've done that then I've done something good."

It’s never Keith in accounts, is it?

I asked my husband if I was acting like your husband, would he be concerned. He unhesiratingly said "yes". He is not the suspicious sort - never questions me, accepts that I often work late and have lots of male colleagues. Incidentally I would never expect to hear that sort of thing from my male colleagues and I have known some of them for literally decades. I tend to agree with my husband that I'd be concerned in your place.

@Yuai, your H is absolutely flirting with this OW and is letting her know how important she is to him.

This is atypical behavior for him. It sounds like he’s infatuated and is too emotionally invested in her. She is in his head and that leaks out via mentionitis. They’ve built a high level of contact, closeness and reliance. He is always concerned for her, so their KISA/Damsel dynamic provides mutual validation, as does her knack for cheering him up. Chatting with her energizes him.

I suggest your reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She explains how marriages/relationships are threatened and damaged when one partner opens a window to a third party and blurs boundaries by channeling more and more emotional resources into her/him. Many emotional and physical affairs begin this way.

In your H’s case, their frequent contact, confiding, laughter, in-jokes, commonalities, etc. are deepening their intimacy and strengthening their connection. Meanwhile, he is creating distance between you with his moodiness.

You made my day and I know you feel the same.

@Yuai, I wouldn’t tolerate this. He’s playing with fire and it’s happening right in front of you. In my view, this is already an emotional affair. A very serious conversation is in order, and he needs to read Not Just Friends.

If he’s in too deep, he may push back to protect their relationship using manipulations such as dismissing your discomfort, defensiveness, denial, minimizing, or blame shifting. Don’t allow any of that. Tell him that he has everything to lose if he doesn’t tighten his boundaries and distance himself from OW. If he cherishes your marriage and values your well-being and peace of mind, he will do that.

This.

Don't listen to the "cool" wives on here.

Trust your instincts

It's an "emotional affair" now?! Ah ffs! 😂

Should the word 'accomplishment' be somewhere in your title? It makes no sense. Nor does the actual post.

If he's normally like this with everyone - a verbally 'touchy feely' extrovert - then that would be fine.

He could just be being supportive. But it sounds a little like he's flirting - and mentioning her a little is not a good sign.

A lot that should have said!

I would listen to your gut on this one OP and nip it in the bud. Feels a little too familiar.

YANBU. This is an emotional affair/ the start of one.

OP has said he is introverted and only like this with the one female colleague.

Oh come on. That's not what folks are saying. They're saying that if this is out of character and is setting of OP's Spidey senses then she should look into it.

I personally think he just sounds like a nice guy but what other things has he said?

I mean unless there's something sinister going on that's pretty common surely? I think I'd often phrase stuff similarly (though I have quite an informal vibe with my team - nothing outrageous though).

He's got mentionitis. That's always a bad sign.