My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

It sounds like she has a wonderful family around her. Keep doing what you are doing and when the tine is right, try get her to be angry.

Being angry will help (and her family) to get everything in order for a divorce and get her finances sorted.

You sound like a lovely sister and you are doing a great job being supportive through what is probably the worse moment of your sisters life.

I have to agree with this. Most of us have been through extreme heartbreak and it's gut wrenchingly sickening, but after six weeks and children to take care of it's time to start kicking. I'm not saying get over it and move on but she needs to start trying to gain some strength. I wouldn't wish a broken heart on my worst enemy. What a bastard.

Have you thought about a career helping people with mental health issues? 😃

With your empathy levels and no nonsense advice everyone would be back to normal in no time at all 😃

I definitely think it is important to get a mental health assessment for your sister. It does sound as if she may be having some kind of a breakdown or at the very least an extreme reaction. Idk if she would be as bad if you weren’t around to pick up the pieces. Sometimes helplessness is learned and if your sister has always been looked after in this way when things in the past go wrong she either hasn’t learned resilience (eg is immature) or for some reason is unable to be resilient. The two being completely different imo even if right now they appear similar.

I also agree with posters, who say this is the same as a bereavement. It is a sudden death of sorts and therefore an unexpected and brutal bereavement. It is of course very different from a death, however, in some ways it is worse and in some ways not. He chose not to be with them all rather than having no option, which may have a more compounding effect.

My father died after a very short illness when I was a teen. It was very difficult and brutal. My mother was there physically but not emotionally in any shape or form. No one was there actually and you’re doing an amazing thing stepping in for both parents. However, I cannot emphasise enough how much they need their mum right now. Apart from one teacher once, I was never given so much as a hug after my dad died and this has had lifelong effects.

They are also losing their school and therefore their friends. This is such a disastrous situation for them and they really do need their mum. Right now they are likely so confused and your 5 yo niece appears to be copying her reaction. If anything the children are coping better by the sound of it.

I would also be aware of what is known as parentification. This is where the child attempts to look after the parent’s needs. It can be physically helping. As you are doing everything, I would be concerned with the children thrust in a position of emotionally supporting their mum.

Lastly, your bil hasn’t made your dsis ill. She has control over her reactions to a situation. The situation has made her ill. Saying he has made her ill is giving her permission to fall to pieces, which is why the mental health assessment you are seeking it’s important right now.

This broke my heart and I don’t even know you. Your poor sister, her poor kids and I have every sympathy for you and the rest of your family. This must be awful for you to witness.

I would say she is having a normal response to an abnormal situation. Is she definitely taking her medication every single day? It can take a while to kick in - my understanding is that they put you on a small dose for a couple of weeks and then increase and you will notice the difference after about three months. It can’t hurt for her to speak to the GP again though.
The time between now and the medication giving her a little boost is critical- sounds like you are doing all the right things but she just needs time. She is in shock and lying around and resting all day is probably not a bad thing. She needs to recover. Hopefully, once the medication kicks in it will give her enough of a boost to take some action. Therapy, for example. Or a bit of self care

kkloo

There's no such thing as normal. But it's the mundane tasks, routine & desire to survive that provides strength & new hope. Look at what atrocities people are coping with around the world to ensure their children survive. I do have sympathy at this situation but she's not putting her children above her own feelings.

She sounds very ill indeed. It will take a while to sort things for her.

your poor sister and what disgusting behaviour from her husband. You and your family sound like very kind considerate and caring people. She is incredibly blessed to have you all so close emotionally and physically.

BUT she needs to get her big girl pants on now/ her young children need her to find her inner strength (which I hope is there by the sheer fact she is a mother) and get a plan for how she will move forward.

lawyer up - to get the best financial outcome from him as possible.
Get a therapist to isolate the time she can “fall apart” in a therapy room / get it out by talking.
reflect on why the marriage is broken - no one happy just walks out on a solid happy home. It’s okay to say that and not wrongly make her feel like it was all rosy and he just woke up one morning with a desire to abandon their family.
move forward and make the piece of $hit regret his actions every day for the rest of his life. new haircut, new look and new future

ask her straight if she wants to let this beat her and he wins or if she wants to come out of it even stronger more resilient and a woman her children look up to in adulthood

coach her to never touch a similar type of man in future and let her know in a month she won’t feel as she does today, in a year she will look back in amazement at her strength & in 10 years she will feel like she has dodged a bullet by not having husband in her life.

I hope she can get her head and body into a place she can function and then thrive. 💐

Not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not but the poster you quoted isn’t a million miles off.

If this is totally out of character for him you need to call the police.
An email to family is a well known way of communicating by someone who may have caused harm to the victim.
Personally I would at the very least report him as a missing person.

Does he have a Swedish passport or a visa to work in Sweden? If not, he will presumably have to return to the UK soon (assuming your DSis lives in the UK?

The family should. Because if that is the case, he’s going to come slithering back at some point begging for forgiveness. And it sounds very much as though if that happened in the near future he’d worm his sorry arse back in.

I wonder if something like this is harder than a death, in a way. If he was dead through an accident, at least she'd know where she stands and could process more readily. Someone being dead is so final, you know what you're dealing with, you know what needs to be done and that there is only one way forward. The not knowing is more like having a missing person and no answers. The uncertainty and not knowing could be so much harder.

She’s probably grieving not only him but their lives. It sounds like things will have to change like schools, home unless she can get legal help to claim money from him.

He is one of the biggest pricks I’ve ever heard about on here. How he can just not contact his children? Does his mother know the little girl is vomiting herself sick with crying? She needs to. If I was his mother I’d go and drag him back from Stockholm to face his responsibilities or he’d never see me again.

I hope she gets out of the hole soon. Try and make her see he’s not worth ruining her life.

I don’t know anyone who has been bereaved of a life partner and been back at work the following week.

I agree. I think it’s harder in the sense that as well as processing the grief you feel at the end of your life as you know it, you have a sense of rejection by your partner because they have left voluntarily.

She sounds like she's had a complete breakdown. Please ask the GP to visit her if she won't go to the doctor herself l. Please be there with her because she's unlikely to be able to describe her current condition or will give a misleading statement. She's needs urgent professional medical help - she won't be able to get better by herself.
And big credit to her wonderful family (you guys) for the support and intervention

And at least if he’d died, she wouldn’t have all the financial turmoil/worry about what to do… assuming they had life insurance etc.

All of this.

You can't medicate your way out of life's unexpected albeit traumatic events.
The shock will subside naturally, humans are built and designed to deal with these things without the use of drugs. She is not ill just experiencing a trauma.
It's obviously horrible for her and the children but with your help she will pull through this and come out the tunnel the other side.

I would urge you to look at the book ‘runaway husbands’ and the website that accompanies it.

Written by a woman who went through the same thing and containing the stories of many others. It will help her and you all feel much less alone and provide much needed hope.

I echo what other posters have said that this is worse than death. If someone dies they’re gone but you’re not faced with your whole past that you knew being destroyed and being totally betrayed by the one person you probably trusted most in the world. It is a loss of the past as well as the present and future.

It is a different level of trauma.

I did get up and go to work but I lost two stone, I contemplated suicide. I didn’t have a very supportive family and without my friendship group and a new partner I’m not sure I’d be here.

I would advise her to read the book. To feel less alone. To see the stages she will go through. To get her outside each day and most of all to provide her with hope. One day she will feel happy again. Most likely she will realise lots of things weren’t what she thought and he wasn’t the man she thought.

sending lots of love for the journey.

My DH takes Sertraline to help with bipolar disorder, and it’s very effective. She’s only been on it six weeks - in some people it takes longer to work, it just needs time. Not saying that family support isn’t the most important thing, but this is similar to a bereavement, and many people need support in the form of this kind of drug. And taking her off it now will cause more harm than good, because she’ll have withdrawal symptoms to cope with on top of everything else.

A bit of chemical help is no bad thing if she’s this distressed. It doesn’t need to be long term - just to get her over the worst bits until she’s ready to face things. Sertraline is a very effective drug, it just takes time to work. And taking her off it six weeks into treatment is likely to make things worse, not better. The withdrawal symptoms aren’t very nice either.

Medication won't help fix things but it can take the edge off while going through the trauma. It's a tool, not the be all and end all.

I know, this is the problem is the withdrawals.
I personally don't think she should have been put on them in the first place because it is a situational depression not clinical. This is how drug companies get so many people dependant for life because they become addicted and struggle to withdraw. As I said I'm not talking about true, clinical depression or mood disorders.
All it will do in her case is mask the emotions which is natural to go through then once she comes off it will all come back and she could relapse.
I know in the scheme of things 6 weeks isn't a long time, but as a mother her sense of protection should have overridden anything else she is feeling by now.
I think she needs to get off those meds they're probably making her feel worse. Unpopular opinion I know. There was a mother in my area who had post natal depression, she went on anti depressants and 4 weeks later jumped off a motorway bridge. It was awful and right before Christmas as well.

I don’t think that’s great advice. As someone else said, now she is on them, coming straight back off then is likely to make her feel even worse. Or if she is taking them erratically. I appreciate that situational depression isn’t the same as clinical depression.
I took sertraline for a while after my marriage broke down (nowhere near as traumatic as what the OP’s sister is going through but he was abusive and I had a small child and had to move out etc)
I personally think I used it correctly. It gave me enough of a boost to be an effective mother, to carry on working and to move home and I came off it 6 months later and haven’t been back on it since.