My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

How do these men even look at themselves in the mirror?

Are they psychopaths?

Or even a psychotherapist who could speak to her on the phone or via video call.

Feel free to put forward your suggestion for further intervention but you’re replying directly to me who is not disputing that.

I’m disputing the insinuations that her response is not normal, 6 weeks is a long time and she should be ‘better by now’ or that the support should be withdrawn.

Here’s some examples for you (there’s many more)

6 weeks is long enough to get over the initial shock.

I think it’s great that you are all so supportive but you are enabling her behaviour.

It’s time to start backing off

As harsh as it seems six weeks on she perhaps needs some tough love.

I think you’re doing too much.

She needs to be better. 6 weeks is a really long time.

6 weeks is long enough to get to a point where self preservation ought to take over.

she kind of needs a big of taking in hand and told to get on with things

There's a thing called learned helplessness.

I realize she is suffering from bereavement but many of us have been bereaved and back at work the following week.

And? Would you like another woman to have to go it alone just cos you did?

What do you want? A fucking award?

At points in the grief cycle it's possible to feel anger. Some women use it to destroy- cut his clothes up, send spiteful messages.

I directed mine at organising my financial split, regaining my ability to be present for my DC, and knowing I would be in a stable place after the change had settled. Truly the best revenge is moving on to a better life. After all, he wasn't a catch, he has to be a complete prick to have done this to her.

When your sister moves beyond inertia, disbelief, fragility and gets angry, help her build on it. What matters to her? (Not the what ifs, not arguing...moving forwards).

She's so lucky to have you guys, you and your family sound so amazing supporting her and the kids. Wishing you guys all the best and hoping she comes out the other side pretty soon x

With the best will in the world, why is a psychiatrist going to be the answer here?

You are clearly a wonderfully supportive, practical family who are doing a fantastic job helping your sister. But she is in a very acutely shit situation and can't medicate her way out of it. With all of your support she will come through. You are all doers and fixers which is brilliant but this is going to take some time as well.

Giving another person, even a spouse, such total control over one's mental and emotional health is far from sensible

I agree. And also what @TheFormidableMrsC said. Especially this:

she needs to lawyer up and start making some plans. 6 weeks isn't very long but for the sake of the children there has to be a way forward found

I hope she's draining the joint bank account in the meantime. Cut off the arseholes financial means.

I would fly there turn up at the workplace and call the bastard out if it was my sister. You know the company he works for I assume? You all sound lovely but a bit anti confrontational and passive. Get angry. He's cheated on you all!

This doesn't sound like learned helplessness at all, sounds more like a breakdown, and they can last for weeks or months.

While of course it's possible that all the support she is getting is enabling her to some extent there's also no guarantee that if support was withdrawn that she'll be able to snap out of it whether she 'needs' to or not.

What an ignorant attitude. He could have done this because he is suicidal.

It was an alternative theory behind his message saying he could not do this anymore. Male suicide does happen.

Well he's still alive and working so......

Hi OP, I think the poster was saying that this isn't necessarily something that medication can fix. Maybe a little bit for sleep and the panic symptoms, but I can guarantee that your sister will be in this for a good while yet. Everyone reacts differently to shock and grief. You sound like a lovely family. Day by day. Listen a lot and reflect back what she is saying to you. Lots of empathy. That's about all you can do for now in these early days.

Your sister can not possibly even start to recover until she knows for certain what has happened for him to send that email. She has nothing to go on at all…nothing to help her process anything.
So she will be spending all her energy hoping he simply returns and all can go back to normal, instead of coming to term with the end of her marriage and life as she knows it. There are too many questions and no answers at all at this stage.

As a family you are a fantastic support. You are doing everything to help her and the children through this impossible situation. To withdraw that support before she knows what has happened would be cruel.

I would get his family to come to tell her what’s happened from their point of view if they are in touch with him. They must know what has happened to some extent. She needs to hear the words ‘the marriage is over’ before any questions can form in her head as to finances, housing, schooling, survival etc. I wouldn’t expect her to start to recover until she has a few basic answers, direct from him, as to his intentions. Everything to do with her recovery stems from that and that alone.

Yes, it may well turn out that he’s nicely shacked up with another woman but until you know that for sure, it would be unwise to rule out other possibilities especially of the marriage seemed ok before. So, in the event that his family are unhelpful, and there is still no word from him, I would definitely inform the police and then carry on acting on advice from a divorce lawyer.

Did your sister have any signs at all that he was unhappy. It’s very very unusual for a man to disappear with no information at all as to why he ‘can no longer do this’ if there were no red flags at all before he left. Especially if, as it seems, he is expecting her to carry on with the admin for the business and he has made no attempt to communicate over that.

I hope he is in touch with answers soon. My heart goes out to your sister.

Could someone move in with her for a couple of months so she’s not lonely. It’ll help her feel safe while she moves through it and processes it. I’d reassure her it’s normal to feel how she feels. She’s experiencing trauma. He’s disgusting not only doing that to his wife but also the children. Is he replying to you? But saying that there is a chance his mental health could be at risk. It is that time of year. You’ll all get through this. Remind her she’s not alone.

You’re really wrong. Psychologically it’s as traumatic as a death. This is a cataclysmic event in her life that has removed all her sense of who she is, who her family is, what her future looks like. I doubt tough love would do anything other than push her to a sucide attempt.

This is very sad and a terrible shock for your poor sister & distressing for the children, but I agree with the comments that she needs to get on with things now. Six weeks is a long time, even longer in the poor children's eyes.

He has behaved awfully, men often do when they have young children, it's unforgivable.

Why have the dogs & hamster been taken from the home? Pets provide normality to a home, it's very difficult to be depressed when you have a demanding animal around. This would surely be upsetting for the children too, losing their pets. You all need to be pragmatic & practical. Tell her she needs to get up & plan for the children's future, assuming now that he's not coming back.

Doesn't she work? Many mothers work & this provides a focus & reason to carry on.
You say she's crying about the house & schools but she should be worrying about the impact this is having on the children & finding some resilience for them.

You say she won't be able to live off savings forever, no, she'll have to get a job & change things to support the children like millions of abandoned mothers do. Downsize, get a lodger, whatever.

The husband will undoubtedly reappear at some point. I would be over there looking for him to find out the truth behind his behaviour & to confront him about the future so she knows where she is & what to do next.

She should be cooking, doing all the normal things etc which will help her. Wallowing in bed for hours every day is ridiculous when you have three young children, normality is essential, she's making it worse for the poor children.
Don't get me wrong, it's a horrible shock, but reading between the lines he may have left her because:

a)She doesn't work & contribute to the household & he's tired of being the main breadwinner
b) she has zero resilience & is too dependent on him & he's met a strong, independent woman (possibly a single mother) & has made unfavourable comparisons, possibly fallen for her

There's no mention in your post about the relationship being good to begin with or any happy family times.

I feel there's more to this story. You say she can do one activity a day. This is because you're letting her do one activity a day. This enormous safety net isn't helping, not are the medications.

So she can access an Apple account, have a consultation with a lawyer, but not cook for her children or walk the dogs? People are surviving wars & atrocities in the world far worse than this right at this moment & surviving. Was she quite a weak person before all this? Did she have a good friendship network, activities/playdates for the kids etc? You don't say how old they are except that they are young, but they need both a semblance of normality & distractions right now.

The human spirit is strong when it needs to be & she needs to toughen up for her children, they are the priority here, seeing their mother completely fall apart is the worst thing she can do.

I feel for your sister OP, it's not easy. I was more lucky when XH left: we rented a place (and it was just my name on tenancy) and I was the breadwinner...so no worrying how I was going to afford everything...and because I worked FT, I HAD to go to work and maintain a normal routine (wasn't easy, and I had to plaster a smile on my face, but it definitely helped).

It's like a bereavement though: you're mourning your old life, the person that you thought you married etc. Ironically, my lovely Dad then died about a month after all the shit happened with my XH, so then I spent the time dealing with the loss of my final parent, rather than just focussing on "loss" of XH. When XH left (and when my Dad died), I made sure schools knew so they could support the kids if need be. I saw a lawyer and I did a hell of a lot of crying. XH was absolutely vile to me at that time (and yes there was OW), to the point that I needed to have police involvement etc. About four months down the line, he came crawling back...but I told him where to go.

I think it will take time for her to get back on track. But I do think her getting back into a routine of sorts will help her: school run, dog walks, speak to lawyer, get ducks in row, potter about house etc. It won't be easy but with family support, I think it will be best thing for her. I think if I had taken to my bed at that time, it would have made "recovery" (of both loss of my marriage and loss of my Dad) a lot harder, and a lot longer - not that you recover, if you catch my drift!! Over five years on from it now and I'm fine...just miss my parents but I don't miss XH (well, I miss the person I thought I married!). Sending best wishes xx

I think your sister needs a bit of tough love now. Lots of empathy, support and professional mental health support, bit she also needs to recognise that her children have lost both parents at once. They need her to step up for them.

It's heartbreakingly awful and sad but she needs to eotk towards being their Mum now.

Yep, start pulling back. She's very lucky you've all provided space for her to wallow a bit but she's got responsibilities to her children and needs to think of them and start making plans.

I'm not downplaying how awful this must be for her but i think the support has been extreme (you took the pets? 1 activity a day??) and wont be helpful in the long run. Support from the sidelines but help her find a new normal where she is participating in her childrens lives and their healing.

@Carabelliana

a)She doesn't work & contribute to the household & he's tired of being the main breadwinner
b) she has zero resilience & is too dependent on him & he's met a strong, independent woman (possibly a single mother) & has made unfavourable comparisons, possibly fallen for her

Your comments are grotesque, victim-blaming shit.

@BettyBardMacDonald but someone doesn't necessarily stop functioning just because they were "enmeshed and dependent." The shock has made her ill and she is struggling to cope. You have no idea how well she might and might not be doing if she had not become mentally unwell. These things hit different people different and even the same people differently at different times. Implying she's lived her whole life wrong and is an incompetent person is just a bit crap honestly.

As for the person saying "custody" should go to the father who has literally disappeared, I have no words.

@Carabelliana "a weak person." "Wallowing." I'm honestly fucking disgusted and it's rare I'm surprised by any bullshit on here any more.