Child with peanut allergy and MIL

[Freshflower]

So my child has a nut allergy and is prescribed with an epipen. Dc had a serious reaction as a small baby and since then nothing. Obviously I avoid anything containing nuts and do not go anywhere near 'not suitable for nut allergy sufferers ', etc on food packaging. I believe this ensures full safety and I bring up my child with this view too. Im very meticulous when it comes to this.I understand that people do consume ' may contain ' , with no issues . My MIL will not listen to this and continually gives dc foods with these labels , saying its fine or she said "if there is a trace of anything it won't cause any serious reaction because its only a trace'. I repeat and constantly tell her to stop but she carries on and will send dc back home with these foods. Shes done it recently and then messaged if child enjoyed the chocolate , like she knows and taking the mickey ,she is controlling in other ways too and I feel she just doesn't like being told. I trust that she would not give anything with actual nuts but her not listening to my simple request to avoid these food labels of may contain, I find could potentially be dangerous and down right disrespectful. Do you think what she's doing is OK? Maybe I'm going OTT? Thanks

My daughter had anaphylaxis due to a peanut trace - it was terrifying. If there is anyone who does not respect the severity of my daughter's allergy, they are not allowed to be in a position where they feed her.

If your child has only had one reaction I personally would consult with the doctor and check if may contain items are safe. It may open up a lot more choices for the little one.
I would not however allow MIL to have access alone as disregarding your instructions on one issue means she doesn't accept your authority where your own child is concerned and that, irrespective of health concerns, is not a road I would be willing to travel on.

U.and ur husband need to present a united front, telling her she must respect ur child's medical condition and your wishes or you will stop.contact.

We have a friend who's son is seriously allergic to a lot of foods. He would convuls, eyes roll, stop breathing etc and has obviously been hospitalised. He has regular check ups with specialists and now, aged 4, he has grown out of some, but others he will have for life. It's worth you getting your child tested as they may have grown out of it. Alternatively, if they haven't you have a letter from the hospital proving your not overreacting and MIL needs to wind her neck in.

So you are not being unreasonable to feel like that but you are being unreasonable for even letting her look after the child. If it’s happened numerous times why on earth would you still let her watch them? Anything she sends bin it and tell her you’ve binned it. Also get your husband to reiterate to her. Even tell her that she could seriously harm your child and if that were to happen you’d have her prosecuted might scare her a bit. I’m sure I read an article somewhere where this happened.

My granddaughter has a nut and seafood allergy. She can eat Hershey chocolate with no problem but there is a chocolate shoppe that is very popular in our area that she can't eat. She has had a reaction to that and a reaction to seafood at a restaurant with contaminated food. Tell Grandma she needs to stop or she can kill him.

I'd sack her. But you're not paying her and there's no contract, she's just endangering her grandchild on a voluntary basis, so that's even easier, isn't it? "You keep endangering my child's life for shits and giggles, you fucking lunatic, so you are not having any contact"

I mean, what's worse? Being frowned upon by randoms for cutting your MIL out of your life, or letting your child die because you were worried about the social implications of doing so?

This is so on the money it’s unreal

OP your DH would rather risk his child in hospital…or worse god forbid….
than upset his mother. It’s pathetic but it is what it is… Someone needs to protect him that someone is you.

it’s really simple all unsupervised visits stop. Now. Today. If that means she see no GC unsupervised so be it. It’s her doing not yours.

It doesn't matter if the child is eating these foods that 'may contain nuts' whilst they are with mil and having no reaction, that is down to you and the dad to test not her, especially when neither of you parents are present. She's extremely uninformed and she's risking the life of your child. End of discussion really.

Show this article to your MIL:

Pret death: Family 'angry' allergic mum died from dairy contamination - BBC News

A woman went into anaphylactic shock, after eating a wrap from Pret, where the vegan coconut dressing had been cross-contaminated with milk protein during manufacture and contained traces of milk. I don't think it's mentioned in this article, but I seem to remember she used her epi pen, but it wasn't enough and she died anyway.

Your MIL has given her things labelled MAY contain traces of nuts... she has obviously been lucky so far that it turned out that they didn't contain nuts that time, but it's literally a gamble every single time.

Do not leave your daughter alone with her ever again, she's gambling with her life as a sick game.

YANBU

Even nut traces are a huge risk to an allergy sufferer's health. When your MIL is around your child, don't let her offer food. And if she objects to that, don't let her around your child unsupervised at all.

Even nut traces can have a severe and dramatic reaction. It can be terrifying.
Friend of mine had a known peanut allergy. We were at a meeting where biscuits were served. She asked and was assured that they did not contain nuts. She put a part of the biscuit in her mouth, didn't even bite it, and spat it out. ( that in itself was shocking as she was a very ' proper' lady).

This was in the days before epipens so she just said she had a nut allergy and needed to go to hospital immediately. As our cottage hospital was less than a 5 minute drive, pointless calling an ambulance, so she was bundled into my car, and someone called the hospital to say she was on her way. I can still remember the horror of the journey as, out of the corner of my eye, I could see her li ps swelling fast, her tongue beginning to protrude, her face was turning a bluish tinge, and she was struggling to breathe. Nursing sister was standing at front of hospital, pulled open car door, and gave her an injection there and then. I have never ever forgotten the speed of the allergic reaction.
Allergies are not a game; they should never be ignored or the old ' a teeny taste won't hurt'.
Frankly I would not let MIL have unsupervised access until the child had been retested and the results known. If the tests show that she is still allergic, I would show her films of how quickly reactions take hold even with a minute trace of the allergen. Would also explain that , in some cases, even an eppipen is not effective. She has to be made to understand that she could be putting her grandchild 's life in danger or worse. If she doesn't understand or refuses to understand, then she will have a very different contact with your child.

As an allergy mum with two decades in the trenches I am appalled at your mother in laws attitude. I would not leave my child in her care if I could not trust her not to feed my child safe food. One of my sons worst reactions was to two small flakes of special k (he is allergic to milk proteins) as my father did not read the labels that one time and gave his toddler grandson a bowl of cereal (dry). It resulted in anaphylaxis..having to use the EpiPen, and a hospital stay with breathing treatments and further adrenaline.
It was a reminder that we have to read the ingredients EVERY TIME. Obviously my son now takes care of himself and is a passionate chef and a massive foodie who knows how to read ingredients, and protect himself, but when they are youngWE have to stand up for them and protect them.
I can't tell you the number of times I have stood up at family gatherings (even when it's the same people and 90 percent of the food has been prepared by me so is safe) and demonstrated how to use an EpiPen, and shown where the spare one is kept, just in case something happens, and I didn't happen to notice but someone else did.
The other thing I would say, is as soon as your kid can talk, teach them to say I have an allergy, is this safe for me to eat? Whenever handed food by anyone other than you. We have to give them the confidence to advocate for themselves.
My son went nowhere unaccompanied unless I one hundred percent trusted the other person, and certainly never ate anything until I assured him that it was safe.

wtf is wrong with some people. I absolutely would not be allowing her to care for my child alone, she seems unhinged.

Testing an allergy like this should be done under the strict supervision of staff in a hospital environment allergy clinic, not in a grandparents house!
my son has largely grown out of his egg dairy sesame allergy, but nuts are a whole different ballgame

Yes this.

She is goading you but has chosen to do it in a way that is potentially putting your child at risk. I suspect what she wants is to create drama so that she can appear the victim and bad mouth to all and sundry. My MIL did this but on a different health and safety issue. She will be all "ooo isn't my DIL silly, all I did was give DGS some chocolate and she won't let me see him alone again" forgetting to mention said chocolate could cause a serious allergic reaction. She's a covert 0narcissist basically. You have to do what's best for your child and not give a shit what she says or does. She certainly doesn't have your child's best interest at heart unfortunately. It's really distressing for you, I felt a period of loss with my MIL when I realized she wasn't the caring granny I wanted her to be. But I got over it, grey rocked her and barely have to deal with her now, I leave all stuff related to her to DH and he can't even be bothered to remember her birthday so that probably says it all!

I imagine your son was ok but the point is she was minimising your concern which is not ok. It’s offensive but also alarming, because where will she stop. Nip it in the bud now, hard.

It sounds as if MIL is one of those super-irritating people who think that allergies and intolerances are a load of nonsense and that they can safely ignore them - they always Know Best. In the circumstances, you cannot and must not leave your child alone in her care.

I would print out some of the many news reports about those who have died from nut allergies and either post them to her with a letter explaining why she will not be looking after your DC unless she takes the risk seriously or sit down with her (and your DP ) and ask her to read them.
If she still refuses to acknowledge the very real threat, then I would never leave my DC with her again.

Is it just her lack of knowledge? Or is she one of these people who think they always know best? It can be confusing for her as my GP said 'may contain nuts' is ok for me to use. I've got a nut allergy as well .

It seems more and more things are saying 'May contain nuts' now. I think businesses just put it on the packaging to cover their own back, incase there is some sort of contamination. I work at a restaurant and we don't have anything that contains nuts on the menu but because loads of ingredients say 'may contain nuts' we can't guarantee things are nuts free.

She is putting your child at risk, as every time he comes into contact the little the resistance he has Will decrease, so that the one time it will be total anaphylaxis , does she want the death of her grandchild on her head. I doubt it very much.

Why is your child still being allowed round to her house unsupervised

Do try and get seen by an allergy clinic if you haven’t already. Sometimes they test and re challenge etc. Avoiding the food is the right thing to do, but reintroducing it under specialist advice might mean you don’t have to worry in the long term

Having worked within a school with many and varied allergies, your MIL is so wrong. Nobody knows when the allergen will strike, or what the consequences will be. You need to keep your child away from her and give your husband a good talking to. An excellent source of information is The Natasha Allergy Research Foundation. They are invaluable with letting people know the latest problems in the food industry (Mustard powder containing peanuts being used in the food industry) and latest research and advice. Good luck and I hope you can ditch the MIL.

To be honest the fact you haven't strangled her is admirable.