Child with peanut allergy and MIL

[Freshflower]

So my child has a nut allergy and is prescribed with an epipen. Dc had a serious reaction as a small baby and since then nothing. Obviously I avoid anything containing nuts and do not go anywhere near 'not suitable for nut allergy sufferers ', etc on food packaging. I believe this ensures full safety and I bring up my child with this view too. Im very meticulous when it comes to this.I understand that people do consume ' may contain ' , with no issues . My MIL will not listen to this and continually gives dc foods with these labels , saying its fine or she said "if there is a trace of anything it won't cause any serious reaction because its only a trace'. I repeat and constantly tell her to stop but she carries on and will send dc back home with these foods. Shes done it recently and then messaged if child enjoyed the chocolate , like she knows and taking the mickey ,she is controlling in other ways too and I feel she just doesn't like being told. I trust that she would not give anything with actual nuts but her not listening to my simple request to avoid these food labels of may contain, I find could potentially be dangerous and down right disrespectful. Do you think what she's doing is OK? Maybe I'm going OTT? Thanks

I was thinking same, No reaction so let’s try something with a bit more in and see what happens. I’d be stopping unsupervised visits

What is it with people not taking allergies seriously? Do they think you're saying this for funsies? That you're just a killjoy? Or do they always have to be right? Get hubby to have a serious word, threaten to cut her off if needs be and not give in to her subsequent martyr act (and I can guarantee that will follow!).

This is the second thread on the past few days that I've been on where MIL is being an arsehole over allergies when it comes to grandkids.
(The other thread milk though)
FFS as someone with allergies PLEASE stand up for your child.. They're dangerous and can kill.
If MIL can't understand or refuses to, she's not allowed to be unsupervised with them.
End of.
Seriously.

Hi... I'm in my seventies... I first encountered food allergies when I was in my early twenties, so am well aware of them.
I would never override a persons request in respect of what their dc can or can't eat.
It's abhorrent when some people think that they can ignore requests, even if it's not particularly a life threatening situation.
When I was bringing up my dc, I didn't want them introduced to sweets etc, especially while they weren't even aware of them.
Being ignored, disrespected, even with what others think is with the best of intentions, is plain WRONG.
Keep steadfast op...
Your husband/child's father should be on the same page as you.
If it means taking a firm stand with the child's relatives or friends, then that's how it should be.
Present a united front with no exceptions.
Best of luck.

This. My nephew has a severe allergy to a nuts and stone fruits. We all have separate homes and make sure to keep him safe.

Every exposure to a known allergen increases the sensitivity to that particular allergen.

I don’t really understand your DH’s attitude here. Presumably he will also be feeding your child ‘may contain nuts’ if he doesn’t mind his mother doing it.

I'd also say get retested.

My friends child had a severe egg allergy and was retested as a teen and had completely grown out of it.

Always worth getting retested, but nut and peanut allergies are less likely to be outgrown than milk or egg. It's most likely that opsy DC will have their allergies for life (unless treated with immunotherapy).

MIL wouldn't be in a position where she could be feeding my child or looking after them and I'd having serious words.

OMG is she for real? My grand children have dairy allergies I always endure I have the free from products for them. As they are both still young we hope they will grow out of the allergies but in the meantime why would I want to put their precious lives at risk. If she won't follow the rules there is no way she should be allowed to spend time alone with your DC. What is your husband doing about it?

May contain usually means it is made in the same factory as they make products with nuts. They can't guarantee that there aren't any traces of nuts in there as the risk of accidental contamination is there. Your child needs an epi pen which tells you this is a serious allergy. It isn't just going to give your child hives or a tummy ache, it could kill your child. Your husband and you should be a united front and tell her all the information and how an (it may contain) warning label is potentially turning her into a murderer. I wouldn't go lightly with any of this I would go straight for the jugular and say it how it is. She's been lucky so far playing roulette with your child's life, might not be lucky the next time. There is a child with nut allergies in my child's school and the whole school is banned from anything that may contain nuts on school premises.

Then why on earth do you send the child?

Do not let her care for your child. Problem solved.

If this upsets her, tough.

Ask her, would she continue giving her grandchild these items if there was a MAY CONTAIN RAZOR BLADES warning? it is just as potentially dangerous and life threatening for your child. She is playing a very dangerous game with your child's life, it is not for her to say how your daughter won't have a reaction because it is only a trace, she doesn't know how severe your daughters allergy is. Plus she is totally disregarding your wishes, I'd advise suggesting to her that she no longer is privy to unsupervised care of your child if she continues to risk her health and life.

For these PP saying “oh it’s ok to give your child foods that say may contain nuts because it’s just for the companies to cover themselves” please do not listen to the stupidity. There is a very real reason why they put that on the packaging and yes 99% time it will probably be fine, but you do not want to be that 1% where there has been contamination in a factory that handles nuts in other products because that is all it takes. Same in restaurants if they handle nuts in the kitchen in other dishes there is a possibility that a small fragment can make it in to other dishes and it depends how severe an allergy you have whether it will affect you or not.

Egg allergy is usually outgrown, but peanut is usually not. 68% vs 20% by adulthood. Other nuts sit at 9-14%.
Not impossible of course and it should be regularly monitored, but peanuts and nuts are a different beast unfortunately.

Simple, you tell her very clearly if continue she won't be looking after her and will only have closely supervised contact when it's convenient for you.

I like the idea of writing to her recorded delivery, spelling it out

You could tell her you've been warned that, if her actions make DC unwell, it's likely to lead to child protection / social work involvement and you want evidence that you have informed her of the risk

But, it's a worry that your DH isn't supporting you in this. Does he also give "may contain" foods?

It’s very stressful having a child with a nut allergy. We asked in outpatient appointments if our son could be included in medical trials to desensitise him, as we were exhausted from avoidance. His skin tests always came up at the highest reaction. We did give him may contain type foods. Anyway I asked at clinic appointments, and eventually he was accepted into a trial and his allergy got defined under STRICT in-hospital observation with the allergy doctors and nurses. He has an allergy, at over 20 peanuts. We were told to feed him peanuts weekly- he hates the taste, he’ll only tolerate a 3-4. But the relief is massive. Knowing how much he’s allergic to, is a great help to us. But all done under medical supervision and advice.

You simply cannot trust her to feed your child. If necessary explain that her behaviour has led you to this, but spell it out to her that she is not to be alone with/ feed your child for the foreseeable future.

My DD had around 25 allergies as a child, none of which were nuts, but she did have an EpiPen and her reaction also caused her to have such extreme eczema that she lost her skin and was wet wrapped for around 5 years. It was heartbreaking and meant I was very controlling around food. However, I also did reintroduce food in a very controlled way which was according to the doctor fundamental to her growing out of them.
Your MIL is not a professional and should not be the one that tests. My own DM was unfortunately exactly the same and led to years of arguments. She would say things like 'your DN likes this though' even though she had no allergies. And I constantly had to monitor, I wouldn't let her feed her without me there and if she stayed on her own I would bring the meals. DD knew from about the age of 3 to say no, she knew because the pain it gave her if she ate incorrectly scarred her for many years. Take care of her and also consider your DH as well. He doesn't seem to be supporting on this and he should.

You are not being unreasonable at all but I am not clear from your original post whether your DC is actually eating those foods at MILs house or whether she just buys them as gifts.

If the child is eating them then MIL does have a point even if she potentially putting your DC in danger

edit: read your updates, MIL is an idiot but is there an opportunity for you to get DC retested to see if they have outgrown any of the allergies?

What i don't get is the 8 per cent who think this is reasonable. I can only assume they are members of the MIL union.

That's not really relevant though. OP has been to the medical appointments and this is the conclusion she has come to. It's not for her MIL to override that with a casual "oh it'll be fine".

If her MIL is concerned that OP is being overly restrictive, she could raise that with her.