Is this signs of grooming creepy uncle

[Ladybug85789]

Children’s uncle from their dads side. He is in 40s never had a girlfriend addicted to porn, unemployed for the last few years. Whenever uncle sees nephews (age 8 and 4) is constantly asking for hugs, for them
to sit next to him and on his lap. Pouts when they don’t, contstantly asks them to sit close to him even when they say no. play fights with them asks if they want to sleep in the bed with him. Stares at the children when they are sat in the room. When he was employed he spoilt them with lots of gifts randomly and constantly buying sweets etc. once was playing with 4 year old and uncle bit him on his cheek very hard left a mark child cried alot. Always messages to ask to see the children on FaceTime lives 2 hour drive away.
the Children have never shared a bed with him or been left alone with him as I find his behaviour odd and disturbing and I am uncomfortable around him. He is close to his niece his others brother child she is a teenager now she gets gifts from him and he private messages and calls her quite often.

I want to confront creepy uncle and say keep a distance from my children. (We see around 10 times a year and as he lives with children’s grandma the children stay over sometimes always with me)

Thoughts

Weird. Frankly, I wouldn't have my dc around him at all and let the chips fall where they may. I'd be direct about the situations that you find inappropriate, and i'd say that, inappropriate and uncomfortable and bluntly state porn addiction on top of it is a major red flag and safe guarding issue for the dc. I would not discuss or negotiate. I wouldn't argue, shout or accuse. I would only state my decision. End of.

He wants to share a bed with your 8 and 4 year old?! Get your kids well away and tell them never to go near him.

I think this adult male BIT your 4 yr old. Not only would I have reported that to the police I would never have my kids in the same room / house / street as the man again.

How are you even asking if this guy sounds creepy? He violently assaulted your child.

I really hope this is all made up for a bored unemployed person to read.

Just want to reiterate a pp, even though late, I'd contact police and report and ask advice. On further thought, it might be good to have him in their radar - if he isn't already! Let the police speak with him and ask for them to follow-up with you after 🤔
OP, you aren't the bad guy for blowing the whistle on this shite. It isn't an over reaction. Everyone standing by blindly and excusing is enabling and, frankly, f-ing culpable.

Protect your kids.

I wasn’t protected against my dads brother. He is an absolute pervert scumbag. At my sisters wedding he tried his last trick with me when he put his hand between my legs during family pictures.

I later punched him in the face. Then told the family what he’d done. apparenrly though he was just being silly.

the last time he did something he grabbed my boobs.

I have told my parents under no circumstances are my kids allowed near him. Dad wasn’t happy initially until I told him what he’d done to me.

Ive worked with men who commit sexual offences for over 10 years and I wouldn’t let this man anywhere near my kids. Lots of red flags. Appreciate you don’t want conflict or maybe to say the reason directly but I’d be making every excuse under the sun to avoid and go NC.

You have done well to ask for opinions and help on here OP.
Please ignore the posters who whose indignation at your request for help is such that they attack you instead of helping you….the ones who are full of themselves and want to show their superiority.

Your mum is right. Listen to her and always listen to your own instinct - it exists for a reason.
If the biting incident was a while ago, it’s a bit late to confront him about it now. In fact, I wouldn’t get into any confrontation with him except to lay down your own house rules.
Tell his mum, that no you longer feel comfortable with him in your house and you would prefer he didn’t accompany her to yours again. Stay very vigilant at family occasions if he is there. Keep your children close. Leave as soon as you can.
Avoid making any drama where your ex would side with his brother as that may mean you can’t protect your children as much as you’d like when he has them without you.
Don't be afraid to report him to the police if there are any more incidents.

OP, I'm so glad you've recognised that THIS IS NOT OK.

Please please listen to the above advice. I would've punched him in the face by now at the very least.

He bit your child's face and managed to convince you that it was an accident. That's how very good they are at this. It's not you being a crappy Mum, it's you being a good Mum to notice and question it.

Just tell grandma straight you only want her visiting .
Id explain you have never got over the biting and lying and you don’t trust him and your kids come first . That’s the vet basic I would say .

In all honesty I’d have never let him hear my kids years ago and would have said my piece long before now .

My reply is going on gently if you don’t what conflict . If anything happens to your kids will you wish you had caused upset ???!!!!

This 100%

I would lay the firmest possible boundaries and insist the children spend no time with this man even in the company of others.

Their protection is paramount.

That bite was probably part of a threat after he already did something wrong … “don’t tell what I just did or I’ll do worse. “

My friend had a weird BIL who pressed beer bottle cap into her daughters arm skin til it cut at left a pattern, hurt and made her cry. Friend was—- Who Does This To Little Kid? Why?

He told girl it was a game.

He was never allowed near kids ever again. He would visit but she would always have her fierce mum there doing “crafts” with daughter. Her husband was “yeah, my brother is weird”
Similar - he never ever in a relationship.

I'd cut contact.

He's a paedophile, OP. I don't know that I would confront him about it, but I would never let my children anywhere near him again and I would report him to the police.

Sorry but I'd be blocking contact and calling the police to take a look through his hard drive. Sounds weird AF.

Don't ignore your gut feeling. Better he feels insulted than risk anything happening to your precious children.
My grandmother remarried to a DOM (dirty old man) who was a perfect gentleman except when he used to want my female cousins and me sit on his knee or his hand, kiss him with our mouths open, then he invented a "game" where he would put his hand up our skirts till we laughed (no, we didn't play!).
My youngest aunt worked out what was happening and I think her husband and my dad threatened DOM.
It all need never have happened if more people had trusted their gut feeling.

OP, pretty much this.

You’ve been brave to post here and some posters have been less than helpful. To be honest, I despair of some posters’ reading and comprehension abilities.

I can understand you’d like your DC to have a relationship with her GrandM and that is lovely but I think you need to make it clear to her that he must not accompany her or be at her house if you visit her. If she won’t agree to that then she has to go on the no contact list.

If your Ex ever negotiates seeing DC without you, you must make it a condition he does not include his brother.

Whether you report any of his behaviour to the authorities is up to you.

I think we all gaslight ourselves to a degree thinking that "our uncle nonce" isn't the same as a real uncle nonce, he's just a bit weird. And then we have statistics shared on here about how many kids are abused per classroom.
Because often we worry we're the bad guy for even thinking uncle nonce would ever do such a thing.

I think when you see it written out as the OP has described its easy to say all signs are pointed to paedophile yet when you're in the situation not only are the kids being groomed but the rest of the family and everyone else around them are. You feel a bit insane even thinking it but thats how predators are successful and go undetected, they rely on your bias of thinking they're a good family member or friend.

Please don't feel like bad @Ladybug85789, these people are very smart x

Even if not grooming the behaviour is inappropriate and my children would be no where near him.

The issue is she can't make it a condition. ExH can freely take his children anywhere without an order in place. If he takes dc to visit mum and brother is there children could very well experience situation when no one is watching as ExH will likely have his guard down around his own family. Other scenarios are possible: BiL has already bit child and he could do it again, even in front of others under the guise of "play" and "oops!" Frankly, people like him will create any opportunity to have access.
The children are at risk whenever he is around.
They should not be made to be around him ever now as that minimizes what has happened and forces them to be nice. That is an awful message to teach children and damages their ability to recognize danger. It places their feelings and safety at risk. Predators, potential predators, mustn't be prioritized over those vulnerable, family relations. Also, how would ExH feel if something did happen? He'd be crazy to think he could always protect.
Sorry, didn't mean to rant. And I'm just discussing, btw, not meant to put you on the spot.

I am not so sure it is a good idea to "confront" him yourself. My opinion would be to report all you have said here to the police. Say you are very uncomfortable and want to report it to the police, as you are confused what might or might not be a crime. Then let the police decide.

All good advice.

Anyone in the UK know how OP can anonymously raise concerns with the police about what has already happened? He may have done other things.

OP has said her Ex never has the children alone (her post 15:27) so I was using that as a reference point. I realise Ex could take the children on his own but I think the OP will now recognise the wider issues if he did and not facilitate that if she thinks there may be a possibility Ex might allow then to be in contact with uncle. I think we all agree uncle should not be near the children.

My question is why now? I can't believe you've only just noticed this behaviour, so why are you only addressing it now?

once was playing with 4 year old and uncle bit him on his cheek very hard left a mark child cried alot.

This alone would be enough to not let him anywhere near the children ever again. The rest makes it even worse.