To ask my happily married baby daddy to donate sperm?

[FluentCrab]

I am a single mother to a wonderful toddler who brings so much joy to my life. I absolutely love being a Mum and am desperate to have another but am not interested in having a relationship (plus it’s bloody hard to meet anyone anyway as I have my son almost 100% of the time!).
I am considering booking at a clinic and using a sperm donor to have another. However, it breaks my heart to think that one of my children will have a Daddy who they are excited to see, while the other one will not have one at all. It would be ideal if I could ask my ex to donate and I think there is a chance he would agree. But is it batshit crazy to ask this of someone when they are married to someone else? I don’t want to offend his current partner. I feel absolutely zero romantic or sexual feelings for him now but she might get the wrong idea, or she might feel embarrassed that I’m walking round pregnant with his baby if he agrees.

Honestly, if I was your ex partners wife , I would be furious if he agreed to this .

And yet you want him to farther another child.

Your responses seem a little extreme.. you can have another baby without him being involved.
Id focus on him and yourself right now.

I dont mean to sound insulting with this comment so please dont take it that way; but it sounds like you would benefit with talking to a proffesional regarding how you are feeling. Some really unsympathetic comments here. Yes it is no doubt a terrible idea what you are proposing but I feel there is more here influencing your thinking than just wanting another baby. The isolation and mental drain raising and caring for a child on your own day in day out can be debilitating to your mental health, especially in the Toddler ages as its so demanding time consuming it offers little opportunity for adult ineraction and socialisation. It sounds like you arent in a good place emotionally if you are having these extreme ideas. Some of the replies on here are disgraceful with how judgy and unsympathetic they are. I hope you find the support you need as it sounds like you are a fantastic loving Mum who has been put through the mill emotionally by your Son's father and its taken its toll on your mental health. You dont have to go through this alone. There is support out there if you need it.

Ask him and his partner maybe suggest a 3 sum see what their thoughts are they could be keen.

Conclusive argument right there. I expect you were never an equal and any hypothetical child fathered by your ex wouldn't be either.
Don't be closed the idea that you may in time meet someone who is perfect for you and go on to have children with them. You wouldn't want to be tethered to your ex in any way more than necessary. Exes are exes for a reason.

Unless something happens to you in a few years and then you have a non in involved dad and no mum to 2 children. That would be heartbreaking.

Listen, you feel lonely now. But you don't know what will happen in the future if you want another baby you might have one. It's pretty extreme to say you'll never have one.

You can. But this isn't the way to do it. He won't be a father, he'd be a father to one and a sperm doner to the other.

I looked at the clinic option and I get that drive to have another my ex left me at 33 and just turned 40, I desperately want another but I also don't want my son to feel he isn't enough either and I've just fallen pregnant yes, there'll be an 8 yr age gap but anything can happen. If this is something you want you can have it, just not right now and certainly not this way. Your unborn child deserves better x

Leave the man alone, it would be disastrous for him and his partner, and I think you want that! Just my take on it.

Is this real? So you want to ask a happily married man if he will donate sperm and then still have contact with said child? I think you have literally lost the plot!! No feeling for him, lies! Why on earth would you try an insert yourself in his life like that? Don't ask him! He won't say yes surely! If he does that's a sign in itself really. Stop pining over your ex and move on. I feel so sorry for his wife! No doubt she would be absolutely mortified!

However, it breaks my heart to think that one of my children will have a Daddy who they are excited to see, while the other one will not have one at all

You don’t want a donor. You want a daddy for your second child. You can’t ask your ex to do this. If you want a second child and you are not in a relationship you will have to accept that your second child doesn’t have a daddy in their life.

My first reaction is like everyone else, WTF??

But, there are other variables. What kind of relationship do you have with him now? (And his new wife) Is it amicable? Does he see his child regularly? Does he pay maintenance? Would you expect him to pay maintenance for the second baby?

The red flags for me are that he's now married, yet your child is only a toddler, so he's met and married someone within 2-3 years of you two being together. That seems very fast and implies he's not the most responsible of people.

My reality check for you is that wrangling two as a lone parent is very hard. I understand that your ovaries are twitching, but if you have no practical support from the dad, or other family, having another baby would be really stressful.

There's a lot to think about and it will most likely get messy but if you are planning to ask don't ask your ex alone. Ask your ex and his wife because it will be a joint decision. Frame it as if you are looking for a sperm donor and that you will not need their involvement but they will be doing you a favour. Assuming you are close with the wife.
I have an only child with my ex and I did desperately want him to have siblings so I know how you feel. I am pregnant again 14 years later and he's so excited to finally get a sibling. If you're still young it can still happen for you. You can also think about adoption or fostering which was something I was considering.

So the Dad seems not present and is already married to another person even though they have just had a toddler with you?

Not only is it batshit crazy, but I would suggest you want a better male role model for your existing child, let alone a new one.

If you want a second, have a second: use a sperm bank. Dating is secondary

You’ve made some very strange comments on here to be honest. I don’t think you’ve actually thought it through. You said you have your toddler all the time but then want them to be excited to see dad. So is he actually involved or not?
just asked my husband what he would do if his ex asked him (they get on very well she even came to our wedding) and his response was was the actual f**k. That’s insane and a recipe for disaster

That's what I was thinking 🤔🤔🤔

Yes you are being unreasonable. If he donates then you will want child maintenance from him. You are living in a fantasy world. Be grateful for what you have.

Personally I think it depends on your current relationship with your ex and his wife.
I would have no problem with my partner doing this for his ex; as long as it was an artificial insemination of course, and we could afford for him to be contributing to the upbringing of the second child. But then we get along really well anyway, to me it would just be like he was helping out a friend.

You think if something happens you’d want the one to have a sibling? But a younger sibling. If something happens to you, is he supposed to be responsible for this younger sibling? Depending on age at the time, say late teen for elder. If they get separated as smaller children won't that be even more trauma? Of course, they might hate each other. It doesn’t make sense.
The wife won’t be happy.
The father obviously doesn’t spend time with the first, why would he with the second and why would the wife want him to have to pay for a second child for you?
This shouldn’t be what you want. You should be thinking of the awful impacts on everyone else just because you’re feeling broody. You need to control that till you meet a proper father of a child.

Good God!
Yes, of course it's crazy and yes YABVU.

What an insane idea.
Just enjoy the child you have, plan days out, holidays there is so much you can do! Go travelling, house swapping while he is little and doesn't need to go to school.
When you meet someone one day and all is well, think about having another child and be a proper family.

Would you expect him to pay child support for the second one too? Or does he not pay anything for the current one? It’s quite selfish as you’re essentially asking him to plan another child into his life when he’s got a seperate life with his current wife. I’d be very offended if I were his partner.

You're completely unreasonable! He is someone else's husband! If anyone came to my husband asking him to father a child for them, I'd laugh in their face!

That's what baby daddy means