To ask my happily married baby daddy to donate sperm?

[FluentCrab]

I am a single mother to a wonderful toddler who brings so much joy to my life. I absolutely love being a Mum and am desperate to have another but am not interested in having a relationship (plus it’s bloody hard to meet anyone anyway as I have my son almost 100% of the time!).
I am considering booking at a clinic and using a sperm donor to have another. However, it breaks my heart to think that one of my children will have a Daddy who they are excited to see, while the other one will not have one at all. It would be ideal if I could ask my ex to donate and I think there is a chance he would agree. But is it batshit crazy to ask this of someone when they are married to someone else? I don’t want to offend his current partner. I feel absolutely zero romantic or sexual feelings for him now but she might get the wrong idea, or she might feel embarrassed that I’m walking round pregnant with his baby if he agrees.

Just had a thought.......you have a toddler and he is "happily married" to someone else AFTER you got PG and had your baby?

Nope. This man is a walking talking disaster. This happy marriage wont last long.

If you're really wanting a sperm donor who will be in your child's life. Why don't you look into co parenting? No relationship involved just people who want to have a child and both parents are responsible. A gay friend of mine is looking at doing this.

Can't be bothered to RTWT, as I can't believe your audacity.. You want to disrupt so many people's lives to cater for what YOU want? Who is going to provide the financial support? The taxpayer, so that you can have your whims paid for by us, the hardworking, longsuffering ones who demand nothing, but provide everything?

Hahaha says a lot about him? What does it say about you to the extent that you want to have another baby with him while you know he is still married 😂

You are correct, it is Batshit crazy.

'Baby daddy'
One of the most childish and tooth-melting phrases used to refer to a child's father
It sounds as if the baby is the father of a child - like 'boss baby'

Also, you are suggesting that you get the father of your current child to impregnante you because you want a daddy that child 2 is 'excired to see', while not having anything to do with the father (bit of a contradiction there), without offending his wife?????? She might get the wrong idea??
Look at it this was, if you happened to be married to a bloke you loved, and he told you/you heard from that he had impregnated another woman, with whom he already had a child, that this woman wanted him to impregnate her again, 'no strings attached, but will be the someone the child will be calling daddy', how would that make you feel.
It's more than 'batshit' craxy. It is cruel

I can imagine that conversation with the poor child when they are older the world has gone mad

Eerm, did you know he was married when you met him?
Did he suggest he would leave his wife to trick you into getting pregnant?
Does his wife know you and i child exist?
If the answer to the 1st question is yes, it says a lot about everyone, really

They may hate each other and be NC, so would make no difference

If there was such a thing as a million percent, that's exactly how unreasonable you would be.

@BriannasBananaBread WTF? Please point out where OP mentions UC or in fact, money in any context?! Nice presumption you've made there that because she's a single mum that she must^^ be on benefits. Ffs.

What a scummy way to behave as an adult

He’s had a busy few years. Baby with one woman and married another.

I’d focus on your toddler and building up your career when you can to help you provide a good life for him. He may get half siblings from his dad’s marriage or from you if you meet someone.

This is a recipe for disaster if he were to say yes that is.

I’m pretty sure that in the morning you’ll realise that this is not a practical option, and will probably laugh at the idea as much as the rest of us are. But, the middle of the night, alone with a toddler, the world can seem a lonely place and we all come up with wishful scenarios.
I don’t know how long ago you split from your ex but it was obviously long enough ago for him to meet someone new and marry her. In addition to which, he doesn’t sound overly involved as a father, if you have the child 100% of the time. It kind of sounds as if you haven’t quite got over him, or at least as if you are hankering after the security of a relationship and looking back with rose tinted glasses to the illusion of support and security you had back then. It’s hard to move on from that, especially when you see someone else in the place you once imagined yourself being.
Take your time and be kind to yourself. Having another baby with this man would be an unmitigated disaster for everyone involved. Most of all for the children. One assumes that if he WANTED another child, he’d have one with his new wife, rather than with an ex. (Even if that meant adopting one). Having two babies, as a single parent, is definitely no easier than having one, in many ways it’s a lot harder. Having two children, with the same father, but only one of them having an actual relationship with him, would be extremely complicated. I really can’t see “any” advantage to that, to anyone, unless you are subconsciously worried about being worried about being judged by people, for having children with multiple fathers, should you decide to have more. And I do actually understand that. There ARE a lot of judgemental people around.
I hope you got some sleep, and have woken up with a slightly clearer head, and maybe a wry smile for starting this thread.

Is this a joke. If she is in a relationship with him she should be the only one carrying his child

I took the post to mean that he’s met someone new and got married since the OP and him split up, rather than OP having had an affair with him.

I think what you should do is ask his partner if she would be comfortable with you asking. That you understand it's an awkward question, and you will respect her answer.

If you can't do that emotionally- eg if she was the OW in your relationship- then I think you should see if you can re-evaluate your feelings on two different dads.

If you can't do that, then it's time to start actively working towards accepting that you will be a beautiful little tight knit family of two, and all the joy (better income, more flexibility with travel and babysitting, emotionally and logistically more able to help with homework etc) that this type of family brings.

I say that only with kindness, as it's clear you adore your child and it would be such a waste to wish away their childhood pining for something else.

It would be a big mess. If he fathered the baby he would have to contribute financially and in effect would have a second family whilst married to his current partner.

Me me me me me want want want, not one thought on the impact of this on two children. Not s thought to how it will impact them emotionally, socially or financially. 🦇💩

You sound mad, OP.

Why would you bring a child into the world knowing that you have broken up with their dad and they won't be in an ideal situation?

Are you even thinking about the child in any of this?

However, it breaks my heart to think that one of my children will have a Daddy who they are excited to see, while the other one will not have one at all.

If he's a sperm donor then he's not the child's dad, is he? He's not going to be involved. This is never going to work, OP.

Bat Shittery of the highest order.

1. You have your toddler almost 100% so this negates your suggestion that one child will have a relationship with their dad as your current child clearly doesn’t have a meaningful relationship with them.

2. Your ex is married and you have no idea of his plans for a future family.

3. An additional child brings him additional financial, legal and emotional responsibilities. To uphold these would be hugely unfair/immoral to his marriage. If he doesn’t uphold them, again it negates your main argue which is you want your second child to have a relationship with their father.

4. You don’t want to offend his wife….. Out with a surrogacy agreement, on what planet would ANY sane woman be comfortable with any other woman carrying her husband’s baby?

5. In normal circumstances these arrangements come with lengthy counselling and therapy as there is significant emotional impact for all involved.

This.

Wow, I was surprised to see the voting. I think you could ask and he may say yes or no. No harm in asking.

I have a friend who was in your exact position. She asked and he said no. She has now used a sperm donor. Things are happy and no one was offended.

Your emotions are yours and there is no use to belittling them. Sit with your emotions. Truly consider whether having a child outside of a relationship will be beneficial for you and your already existing child.

As for your ex: Well, you could ask. But if I was the wife I would 100% say no. And there might me a fallout that might strain your (hopefully existing?) co-parenting relationship with your ex.

Are you truly sure it’s worth asking? When the vast majority of women (me included) would never agree to this?