To ask my happily married baby daddy to donate sperm?

[FluentCrab]

I am a single mother to a wonderful toddler who brings so much joy to my life. I absolutely love being a Mum and am desperate to have another but am not interested in having a relationship (plus it’s bloody hard to meet anyone anyway as I have my son almost 100% of the time!).
I am considering booking at a clinic and using a sperm donor to have another. However, it breaks my heart to think that one of my children will have a Daddy who they are excited to see, while the other one will not have one at all. It would be ideal if I could ask my ex to donate and I think there is a chance he would agree. But is it batshit crazy to ask this of someone when they are married to someone else? I don’t want to offend his current partner. I feel absolutely zero romantic or sexual feelings for him now but she might get the wrong idea, or she might feel embarrassed that I’m walking round pregnant with his baby if he agrees.

I am soo happy. But I worry if something happened to me. I’d feel so much more secure knowing he will have a sibling.

For so many reasons, absolutely not!

Because you have a toddler with him, and you said he is married. So it wasn’t a leap. If not i assume he is quite recently married then.

Whilst I can imagine the desire for both to
have the same dad, how would that work practically?

Does he pay maintenance for one but not the other? Does he have one EOW, or both? Would the second child find out they were a donor and how would they feel the first wasn’t.

Just a clusterfuck tbh, even if he agreed its fantasy land. Sorry.

Sorry, I don't know if you're being serious or not but I'm sure in the cold light of day tomorrow, you'll find this as funny as I did!

It would be ideal if I could ask my ex to donate and I think there is a chance he would agree. But is it batshit crazy to ask this of someone when they are married to someone else? I don’t want to offend his current partner.

🤣🤣🤣

This.

There’s an interesting post on here about people’s relationships with their brothers- obviously lots who are very close but many more who aren’t close/ don’t get on

Its fine to have the thought, but the action will cause so much unnecessary drama that it could damage your relationship with your child's father.

You will be very glad in a couple of years' time that you didn't decide to do this. The baby fever is real, but it is transient.

Well I tried that with my DD's "D"F after he dumped us both when she was 1. He was single for years and agreed to try to help me but insisted on doing it the "natural way", I'd bought sterile pots and syringes. Within three months of doing it his way he had a new (very young, just turned 18 to his 26) girlfriend who I didn't find out about for a few months.
I didn’t get pregnant and he just used me for sex.
He got his girlfriend pregnant and then that was a whole new world to take on. He didn’t give a shit about either of us or our kids.
Disappeared 5 years ago leaving both kids behind.
A lot of abuse was involved for both of us mums. She won't even accept our kids (half sisters) meeting. It's an absolute shitshow.

if you have your baby nearly 100% of the time it sounds like you have already used a sperm donor. I wouldn’t ask if you want another child go to a clinic

So would the second baby know who their dad was but not be able to have a relationship with them as their dad? Although if the ex is already married I assume he wasn’t much more than a siren donor the first time round

Life is life.

Ask him. He can only say no. And if he says yes, his relationship with his wife is his to deal with.

I don't think this would be in the interests of the new child. I wouldn't do it. Just stick with the one you have and prioritise them over your urge to have another child

I'm just imagining if my husband's ex (he has a child with her) asked him this, I'm feeling the rage already and it's a hypothetical, I don't know how I'd contain it if it was real 🙈

The new baby would still not have a Dad they are excited to see. He is still just a sperm donor

Unless you are already 40+ surely you have time? Can't you appreciate this little toddler first and then when he is in school explore your options?

🦇💩

"baby daddy" ?!

It reminds me of an episode of Frasier in which Frasier’sex wife and mother of his son decides she wants another baby and asks Frasier to donate sperm. He refuses even though he is single.

You’d feel better with your baby having a sibling if something happened to you…? So you could leave two children orphans instead of one? Your ex sounds like an incredibly shitty father as it is, why the fuck would you want to inflict that on a second child?

Well yes, this.

You have your shared child 100% of the time so he can meet and marry someone else but you have no time or opportunity to do the same. Why in the ever living name of fuck would you want him to be the "baby daddy" of another child?!

Would you be happy if your hypothetical husband was donating sperm to his ex partner so she could have a child.

Would you be happy with the ex partner walking around pregnant with your husband's baby?

Would you be ok with the financial implications the ex partner having another baby had on your household?

Bloody Nora, are there any positives to this idea?

You've found out how much the clinics cost haven't you? That and how because it's private healthcare they have opinions and standards (or at least they used to) and won't help just anyone to have a child. DC about 2yr old is it? UC making noises about you returning to work...

Credit to you for not risking your health by jumping into having a ONS with anyone who'll have you, just to get pregnant. But no, don't ask your ex who is in a new relationship to father another DC with you that he doesn't want, won't want to pay for and will barely see. That's just making you look tragic and will be massively embarrassing for everyone involved, not to mention mightily pissing off ex's new partner.

Return to work, wait for DC to need you less, look for a new relationship with someone who wants DC, hope you find someone and hope it's not too late fertility wise. There aren't really any sensible shortcuts. Alternatively if you meet the correct criteria for it, maybe look into adoption if you're desperate to offer a DC a home?

There are websites where you can find men who want to be fathers for this sort of thing, that's probably a better bet than asking your married, minimally involved ex to do it.

I read about that in a magazine once, an undercover journalist looked into it. 99% of them were only interested in achieving pregnancy by "natural insemination". They weren't sperm doners in the traditional sense, they were a bunch of chancers who liked no-strings sex and didn't like condoms.

Let’s imagine everyone says yes- then what? Easiest and cheapest way is to shag him, or get the turkey baster out or go formal to a centre somewhere which may involve him being available to link with your cycle - I don’t know really. It sounds like a sensible idea but is fraught with moral and practical aspects the deeper you explore it. Give yourself time to heal and fall in love again