To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

[Usedtobeslummy]

Posting for traffic really.

I started reading mumsnet about 2yrs ago which coincided with when my ex and I split up.

I was encouraged by what seemed to be lots of empowered confident women unafraid to stand up for themselves. I realised my bar was low.

Mumsnet has made me realise I have quite a different bar to most. I grew up in a very chaotic household - parents in addiction with significant mental health issues, frequent police and a&e trips etc.

I'm very settled and have a good career and kids, quite different to my family. But mumsnet makes me realise I'm not quite where the other posters are.

For eg I am really surprised at the zero tolerance for any drug taking, even weed. People (and parents) taking drugs has been very normal to me.

I'm also surprised at how little people seem to drink and lots of people think poorly of people getting drunk.

I was mega shocked that everyone seems to think sleeping in a bed someone else has slept in is incredibly gross.

I change bedsheets for guests but I thought my friends were pernickety. I didn't realise it was normal (I am 40!) The idea of sleeping in a bed my best friend has slept in doesn't gross me out. But I have learnt I am not the norm!

I"m also surprised at how many posters have equal relationships with husbands. Most of my friends work full time, do most childcare and life admin.

I'm sure there are other examples but I suppose I am surprised at wholesome / ordered people seem to be on here. I thought I had my shit together but my bar is still miles away compared to others!

I still find it inspiring. Has opened my eyes. Would love to hear others' views. And maybe to hear if everyone who has their shit together came from a family that also did?

Don't believe everything you read!!

I"m also surprised at how many posters have equal relationships with husbands. Most of my friends work full time, do most childcare and life admin.

I have an equal relationship. But IRL none of my friends do. They probably aren't banging on about it here!

I think sometimes people with the most rigid uptight beliefs post and the rest of us more moderate people leave it alone because we can't be bothered being picked at by said rigid poster and others similar to them.

There is a point at which the height of a bar just becomes bonkers. I am thinking washing towels after every use and throwing away chicken if it sat on a counter for longer than 5 minutes.
I come from a pretty dysfunctional family which is why I value communication above anything else. Do we share things equally with my partner? No but we sat down before moving in together and talked about it. He pays 75% of living costs, I do 75% of house work. Works for us and nobody is upset about it.

People can post any version of themselves but it doesn’t mean it is always the true reality.

Stop comparing yourself to others.

It's so funny how people can have such a different take on things. I have been completely shocked at some of the relationships I've seen on here, what shits the men are and what women put up with, it blows my mind.

Genuinely have assumed it all to be true! But you make good points. But begs the question why you would massage the truth about your homelife on an anonymous forum...

I'm 47 and I've only felt like a fully functioning adult in the last 10 years or so. Pretty equal relationship, but only because I won't put up with anything less. Family was a bit of a shit show growing up, so it was important to me to model better behaviour for my kids.

No, but quite honestly everyone I know lives a life much more similar to what the OP describes than the one she grew up with. I recognise her upbringing from families I work with but it has always felt a world away from my life. It's amazing that we can live and work in such close proximity to others who are living such different lives.

Having said that, I would happily sleep in bedding my female friends, sister, sister in law etc had slept in!

Interesting points, OP.

I guess I have noticed similar throughout my life, not just on mumsnet.

Basically a) people have different standards and b) people are not always truthful about their standards! Particularly online.

It works both ways though. In some ways I think my bar is quite low, and get embarrassed about that so don't admit to things that I think others would find slovenly.

In other ways, I've been pleasantly surprised that others have low standards and are quite open about it!

The only example that springs to mind was visiting my niece when she was around 12. She had friends round and they were all just having a laugh messing around. I noticed my nieces white socks were filthy on the bottom as the floors of the house were obviously a bit grubby.

I instantly felt a bit embarrassed for my niece and was going to subtly suggest she changed her socks....when I noticed that all her friends socks were grubby too and not just from the floors in nieces house, they were grubby from the minute they arrived.

None of them cared a jot. They were just laughing and messing about, very carefree.

Whereas I think I would have been embarrassed by that at that age, thinking that my house was dirty compared to everyone else's.

It's not a great example, but it's the only thing that came to mind and I found it very refreshing actually.

MN is pretty middle class. I'm not grossed out by the sheets thing, either. I like drinking, weed doesn't bother me, either although I don't do it right now. I've had/have a lot of anxiety issues. I was brought up in a working class family, but I have a degree. I think everyone is different. I have learn that it's easy to assume people have their shit together, but they really don't. It sound like you have come through despite your childhood difficulties. You should be proud of yourself. 🙂

By the measures you’ve put I’d say my life is put together. I’d say those all come from a fairly uptight middle class upbringing - my mum has never smoked or been drunk in her life! But I wouldn’t say I’m put together by the things I worry about - income, parenting, housework, etc!

They massage the truth online because it makes them feel better about themselves. Like a videogame, if you are doing well at the game you are doing well at life.

The competitive cleanliness on MN is quite funny.

But wrt more serious matters such as drug taking and drinking in front of kids and not taking shit off the men in your life - then it's good to hear that some MNers are taking inspiration from posters who are on the ball. Or 'together', as you put it OP.

I considered myself fairly 'together', but years ago i posted for advice on an issue and was given unanimous advice to make the person in question buck up or piss off and i was shocked! It was one of those 'everyone is saying it - how did i not see it?' moments.

I took the advice and my life is better for it :)

@Usedtobeslummy
Some of it is true but most people talk a good game, as they say, online. It doesn't always look the same way irl the way they want/wish/pretend (all different things).

So while a lot of it is usually good advice and coming from a good place, take most of what you read with a grain of salt and as something people may not do themselves irl (but would if they could or if they had someone to advise them when they were in the same situation). Learn to sort the wheat from the chaff and think critically for yourself too.

This. MNers sit at all ends of the (together and experience) spectrum. Hopefully some of the positives help you.

I think a lot of it's probably true. I do not consider myself confident but I do have expectations of equality and being treated well in a relationship, and I made sure my husband was a kind and decent person before getting married. And by your definition I'm wholesome in regards to alcohol, drugs and sheet changing. I did have fun in my younger years but I feel as you grow up it's not a bad thing to leave sloppy drunken and drugged behaviour behind.

It's great that you are seeing a different way of life after growing up in a chaotic household and you can take what works for you and create a different home for yourself. My husband came from a very polite home where people didn't shout at each other when arguing, I did not, but through his example I learned better communication skills and now we live in beautiful harmony and disagree peacefully. Where you start doesn't have to determine where you end up.

I'm anti drugs and only drink a max of 2 glasses of wine at a time... only been drunk once when I was 15. I think that I'm probably the exception rather than the norm though.

Its quite easy to know the right thing to do when you post on an internet forum and less easy to do it in real life. I wouldn't assume everyone here takes their own advice.

I think some comparison is healthy. I only realised how extreme my upbringing was by comparing it with other people's.

I don't feel bad by these comparisons. I know who I am. But I think it is useful to know where you are on the scale.

I find Mumsnet like some alternate reality sometimes. I don't know anyone like it real life.

Not sure why people are saying that other people are making up their"ordered" lives. The things that OP has said about zero tolerance for drugs, not getting completely pissed, clean sheets for each guest etc are perfectly normal things that everyone in my family and social circle goes by, so I assume there are lots of other people for whom that's all normal too.

Each thread pulls in a different type of person and does not represent a cross section of MN. So, I'm not going to bother with a thread that's calling people 'grim' for not washing their towels every day. That kind of thread attracts the hygiene freaks.

I grew up in a stable middle class household (although parents from working class backgrounds). My parents drank, smoked weed sometimes and had pretty average to low standards of cleanliness.

I'm always quite surprised by the somewhat puritan attitudes on MN. Not because people don't drink or take drugs - lots of people don't and that's pretty normal, but the level of judgement on people who do those things. I'm not talking about judging people who are alcoholic or have drug problems or use whilst looking after kids, but judgement on any drinking/ drugs