To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

[Usedtobeslummy]

Posting for traffic really.

I started reading mumsnet about 2yrs ago which coincided with when my ex and I split up.

I was encouraged by what seemed to be lots of empowered confident women unafraid to stand up for themselves. I realised my bar was low.

Mumsnet has made me realise I have quite a different bar to most. I grew up in a very chaotic household - parents in addiction with significant mental health issues, frequent police and a&e trips etc.

I'm very settled and have a good career and kids, quite different to my family. But mumsnet makes me realise I'm not quite where the other posters are.

For eg I am really surprised at the zero tolerance for any drug taking, even weed. People (and parents) taking drugs has been very normal to me.

I'm also surprised at how little people seem to drink and lots of people think poorly of people getting drunk.

I was mega shocked that everyone seems to think sleeping in a bed someone else has slept in is incredibly gross.

I change bedsheets for guests but I thought my friends were pernickety. I didn't realise it was normal (I am 40!) The idea of sleeping in a bed my best friend has slept in doesn't gross me out. But I have learnt I am not the norm!

I"m also surprised at how many posters have equal relationships with husbands. Most of my friends work full time, do most childcare and life admin.

I'm sure there are other examples but I suppose I am surprised at wholesome / ordered people seem to be on here. I thought I had my shit together but my bar is still miles away compared to others!

I still find it inspiring. Has opened my eyes. Would love to hear others' views. And maybe to hear if everyone who has their shit together came from a family that also did?

This.

I also assumed most people on MN didn't have their shit together. Especially the bitchy, judgemental ones (and there is alot of them) - they just seem miserable.

Don’t worry. I post here and have no issue sleeping in beds others have sleeping in, find social drug use very normal and while my career is ok, finances could be better (all my own fault) and I have always had a shit show of a romantic life (and so involuntarily childless as a result) so no, not all of us have our stuff together!

Honestly this.

I didn't even know it was a thing not to give your guests clean sheets. And I'm not trying to sound like a dick.

As PP said, MN is often an eye opener.

Yep

Such an interesting thread!

I thought I was fairly 'normal' until MN put me straight.

I'm actually a natural slob it seems 🤔

I have to put notes on the calendar to remind myself to change the bedding every month.

I have a cleaner every fortnight and don't do any other cleaning (unless visitors are due).

I get the exterior of the car washed twice a year, interior once a year.

I am a perfectly able cook, but can't be bothered since kids left home, so eat lots of things on toast or ready meals.

I can easily polish off a bottle of wine in a sitting.

I've made my peace with it though - and I do have a full, balanced life. I'm content.

I do think most posters are presenting true opinions. But only relative to the post at hand. For example, I am zero tolerance on drugs, I have a 50:50 relationship, zero tolerance for aggression, low screen time for DC etc.. so in posts relating to these things I would appear ‘together’. But… you don’t see on that post that I like a glass of wine most evenings, that sometimes I struggle being a parent, I’m battling anxiety and that I would have no issue climbing into a bed my mate had slept in 😂
Different strokes for different folks, no one is perfect.

Without putting too fine a point on it, I once went to stay at my mum's and there was actual poo on the bedsheets. Dread to think what happened. I sleep on the sofa now - safer!

Yes I try and avoid these people and I would admit it to anyone- however I was not brought up middle class I was brought up in a very chaotic shouty and at times violent working class household where my parents would rage and scream and say awful things to each other and my dad would occasionally punch my mum in the face. They were the emotionally disregulated ones and I was not allowed to be, no angry outbursts for me, they were for my parents. My dad once hit a child that a group of us were hanging around with because this child was screaming in that annoying way that some kids do and he didn't like screaming kids. Aged 2 I apparently stamped my feet in anger or frustration and he immediately hit me and they both thought that was such a good thing as I never did that again or had a tantrum. So, do i want my child anywhere near anything like that or any families like that - fuck no I don't as I was a terrified and anxious child always ill because I was so stressed and never knew what i was going home to.

I also had a mentally ill grandmother that i was left with, and who I had to call the police on as she was attacking my mum.

When it comes to bed linen I am a natural slob too.

If my sheets are changed once a month that’s a good month!

Sorry to hear that. I really hear you on the not being allowed to be disregulated - I still don't really have feelings - they just don't arise in me like they do other people. It also means you can tolerate a lot unknowingly. Well done on stopping that cycle.

But with clean sheets though, surely!

Good point! We modelled it to my son and he’s the equal-or-more domestic one in his home now. But it’s the girls who need to be coached on how to navigate the patriarchy. It’s such a culture shock for them once they’re out in the world. However much you prepare them they never get over the trauma of being cat called in school uniform…That’s why I think it’s important to teach your daughters to have a high bar and not tolerate male bullshit.

I think the women on here who say that they have equal relationships are like the women who claim their partners never look at porn. 99 percent of them are deluded. I know only two couples who have anything like an equal relationship and I know people from ALL sorts of backgrounds.

That said, I am thankful for MN because it has raised the relationship bar for me, personally. Reading about others relationship expectations has empowered me to fight a bit more for equality in my own relationship. I now do about 70 percent of the parenting, life admin, planning and emotional labour, rather than the 99 percent I used to. It’s taken me years to get to that point. Bizarrely, my family all think I’m some sort of feminist and are aghast at how much my partner does 😵‍💫. My old school and uni uni friends and work colleagues the same age are in the same position as me - fighting for equality but making incredibly slow progress.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the pay gap I would leave and never go back to men.

claim their partners never look at porn. 99 percent of them are deluded.

Mild thread diversion ... One of the things I liked about my very normal (I thought) second husband was that he wasn't interested in porn. It never occurred to me that, instead, he might have a prostitute habit and be fond of live sex shows 👀

Delusion can take many forms!

I know more people than that who have an equal relationship.

I hope so. I hope my perspective is just skewed by the people I know because it’s just depressing! Especially when I have two daughters.

Things have changed since I was young.
It's true that I don't know of any families where the tiniest children call for their dad when they're ill - mum is still always primary parent for the babies and toddlers - but I know a lot of families who when they list out what each does it seems equal or even that the man does more.

Of course if you know a guest is coming you change the bed, but when I was young there were times when you missed the last bus and you just slept in whatever bed was available.

The other thing is that on certain topics, people can be 'extremists' of that topic so in housekeeping you have housewives who are very invested in keeping the place clean, in 'relationships' you have extremely bitter divorced women, etc. YABU is for people who like a big fight so you always have to take into account whom you're talking to.

I'm absolutely fine sleeping in a bed that my best friends or my mum has slept in, but not someone's random house guest from the previous weekend.

I don't give an F if someone smokes week, even around their kids, if they're a seasoned smoker and can still look after them properly, but other drugs I won't be around them at all.

Jeez ‘deluded’? I’m middle aged and of the generation you’d think would be regressive but quite a lot of our friends and family have decent, intelligent men who do their bit and care for their wives. My late father was 90 and still cooked and cleaned. The attitudes on this thread are baffling to me!

Well, clearly you know a lot of awful men and oppressed women. What does that say about you? Not only do I know a majority of couples in equal relationships, I know three SAH dads.

Why would that say anything about her? Why would you want to hold a woman accountable for the lifestyles and circumstances of people in her family, community, or social circle? This is exactly the sort of sanctimonious sneering behaviour people are talking about that goes on here.

In fairness they were dishing it out and calling people ‘deluded’. You do wonder what their life experience is if the concept of a normal equal partnership is so unbelievable! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Left home very young and raised myself. My home life was a mixture of neglect and chaos, surrounded by drugs and alcohol. I was anxious and felt unsafe all of the time.

I can remember thinking I would never be lucky enough to have xyz that cousins and friends all had and by that I mean I dreamt of having another doll and a single horse riding lesson. Carpets would have been nice and central heating.

I made an effort to be the kind of parent I needed. I do not for one minute consider I have my shit together. I have lived through a lot though and put up with too much for too long.

What I have learned is that people show you who they are very early on. Most of us choose to ignore it, because we invest time and emotion, until it becomes painful.

There are some really happy people - I know a few genuinely happy couples, but I don't think it's the norm. I think there is usually a giver and a taker in most relationships.

As I've aged I have learned what is important to me (it's different for everyone) and I've learned to put my time and energy into the relationships and activities that bring me joy. Good friends are better than bad family.

I have a great relationship with my DC. There is mutual respect and trust and boat loads of love. Consistency is key in all things, especially children.

I should probably clean more than I do, eat less and exercise more. I work hard and I value my down time. I do what suits me up to a point. My home life is far from perfect.

It's really easy to project a persona on SM and to appear one way or another on MN. There are some genuinely well meaning supportive people on this app and there are a lot of trolls.

Honestly OP you sound fine to me and probably a lot closer to how people actually live than they would care to admit