To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

[Usedtobeslummy]

Posting for traffic really.

I started reading mumsnet about 2yrs ago which coincided with when my ex and I split up.

I was encouraged by what seemed to be lots of empowered confident women unafraid to stand up for themselves. I realised my bar was low.

Mumsnet has made me realise I have quite a different bar to most. I grew up in a very chaotic household - parents in addiction with significant mental health issues, frequent police and a&e trips etc.

I'm very settled and have a good career and kids, quite different to my family. But mumsnet makes me realise I'm not quite where the other posters are.

For eg I am really surprised at the zero tolerance for any drug taking, even weed. People (and parents) taking drugs has been very normal to me.

I'm also surprised at how little people seem to drink and lots of people think poorly of people getting drunk.

I was mega shocked that everyone seems to think sleeping in a bed someone else has slept in is incredibly gross.

I change bedsheets for guests but I thought my friends were pernickety. I didn't realise it was normal (I am 40!) The idea of sleeping in a bed my best friend has slept in doesn't gross me out. But I have learnt I am not the norm!

I"m also surprised at how many posters have equal relationships with husbands. Most of my friends work full time, do most childcare and life admin.

I'm sure there are other examples but I suppose I am surprised at wholesome / ordered people seem to be on here. I thought I had my shit together but my bar is still miles away compared to others!

I still find it inspiring. Has opened my eyes. Would love to hear others' views. And maybe to hear if everyone who has their shit together came from a family that also did?

I feel like a lot of posters on here get their knickers in a twist over the most minor of things, never met anyone like that in real life. Like no one on here ever so much as raises their voice if they get frustrated, allegedly, and express shock horror if someone else does. My only explanation for this is that they must live extremely stress free or sheltered lives 🤔
I don't believe everything I read on here by any means.

Yes this!

I think it’s vanishingly unlikely to have a truly equal relationship with a man in a patriarchy. I have never met a couple who genuinely split the load entirely, financially and practically, 50/50.

My children have my husbands name. You don’t need to know anything other than that to know we are not 50/50 in everything.

The narrative people employ to explain away their reality is natural and protective.

36% of stuff written on here is fantasy.
The other 64% is simply exaggeration.

I wouldn't say I'm particularly confident but I'd say your post sums up what is pretty much normal for me and my reference group. I don't mean it in a judgy or superior way at all, it's literally just normality for me, although obviously there are minor exceptions amongst people I know.

I was lucky that my home life growing up was incredibly settled and secure. I also thought this was normal until I was an adult.

The exception is probably the drinking thing...for me it's kind of normal to drink but mostly in your early 20s and then cut down once you're settled.

With the equality with DHs, I would say it's 60/40 split with women/men share and not truly equal.

I drink 6 bottles of wine a week. A lot of my friends (and one of my sons) smoke weed. I don't have an equal relationship with DH. Thanks to my parents relationships and marriages I have 11 half & step brothers and sisters. 😅

Pretty malfunctioning at life,,,,but i will say it as it is or give what I deem to be good advice 😂

Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Nobody really has their shit together everybody is winging life in one way or another, nobody's relationships are perfect and every person on earth will have years of life where things seem great and years when things fall apart and in despair it's the ebb and flow of living. You sound like you're doing OK OP settled with family after what you've experienced as a kid. As far as the drugs/alcohol are concerned I'm someone who doesn't really drink much at all and have never considered doing any kind of drugs I don't even like taking prescribed medication but heck who knows if we ever had a bad year lost everything and ended up homeless I might well be tempted then as many others are the truth is we don't know how we will respond to life until stuff hits us .

Why would you possibly waste your time responding then? Surely there are better things to do if that is what you think. It’s certainly a cynical view.

I think most people are honest from my experience, mainly because no one knows who you are - so it’s pretty pointless lying, and if that’s what you are doing then your issues are bigger than the lie so to speak.

OP, you aregetting quite a few replies saying not everyone is so strict on their bars, not sure why? I have not read the whole thread, sorry.
Well done to you for having a better life that your parents and giving a better chance to your children. That is the right path indeed.
Most of the things you mention in your opening post did shock me indeed.
I do come from a household with alcohol and mental and physical abuse background. I am trying to get things better for my children.

‘Normal’ is pretty subjective, OP. One person’s ‘wholesome and together’ is another person’s ’joyless Keeping Up With the Joneses’.

You’re coming at stuff from your upbringing, others are coming at it from theirs, and people respond differently to their childhoods. I grew up in a deprived, dysfunctional household with timid, withdrawn, semi-literate parents I had to protect from an early age. So for me, my priority has always been to be strong, free and able to cope, and for my child to know I’ve got his back, and if something is difficult, I will help. I’m not interested in housework, but I understand that’s a bulwark against chaos for some people.

I think most people tell the truth but not the whole truth, if you get me? So I change my towels twice a week but I don’t always clean the kitchen counters down after dinner. Admitting that will probably get me banned from Mumsnet for life!

The sheets thing is a bit weird. At some point it became the expectation that having guests meant you needed to operate like a hotel. When we we young we’d crash on someone’s floor or sofa, grabbing a blanket that hadn’t been washed (ever, probably). And plenty of MNetters would see it as a badge of honour to have stayed in some dodgy hostels while travelling. I’m slightly biased at the moment as I watched Threads last night so I can’t imagine getting worked up about not having a perfect bed.

Growing up my parents had and attended parties involvement huge amounts of alcohol and usually someone went too far but no fighting and no drugs. I was affected by the Leah Betts images so have never get comfortable with using drugs. But have been excessively drunk many times, I guess this was affected by this being normal growing up.

DH and I are pretty much 50:50, but we have our habits and preferences. So many of the PTA things seem to come under the category of making more work for yourself so DH avoids that whereas I get the guilt and end up volunteering or bringing things in.

I think there has always been the notion of how you present yourself in public versus true home life. But now it’s more blurred because the digital world is a bigger part of our lives now. When internet forums were new, people likely felt comfortable to admit they did unappealing things, but now it’s part of our day to day life so there’s keeping up with the Jones’ even on an anonymous forum.

Which category do your posts fit into?

Diverting a bit but it's really interesting you mention Leah Betts. Thinking about it, her story is absolutely one of the main reasons I'd never touch drugs. I know that her parents sharing her story will never, ever compensate them for their loss, but I really hope they are aware of what a positive impact they have made.

Me and my DH operate as a team and yes, we do split the load. If anything he does more. He is the same with parenting. First to hold our eldest dd when she was born and has a lovely relationship with each of our young adult children. They make time to spend it with him. My dds talk to him about their problems as easily as they’ll talk to me.

He is emotionally intelligent and sees family life, like me, as the biggest joy and privilege.

I do know other couples like this. The model tends to be that the woman’s 50% is domestic and the man’s is around DIY/heavy lifting but the ‘teamwork’ approach is quite common I think.

Because it makes them feel better about themselves....
Its an illusion.
You NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors so my advise is to walk to the beat of your own drum and not let the fairy tales of randomers on the internet make you feel inferior xx

I'm fairly functional I think - we have a clean house, my partner earns and does his fair share - but there is a lot is batshit uptightness on here about drinking, washing and food.

We try and change bed linen and towels once a week, but the world is not going to end if that does not happen.

The thing that get me is the sub section of people here who seem to believe your 50s is old - talk of being exhausted by work, needing to retire, wanting to stay home all tbe time and not socialise.

You have to presume that people only post on threads they’re drawn to comment on, hence the polarising batshit on all the ones around housekeeping - they attract both the “I change the sheets & towels twice a day, the carpets if someone stepped inside with a shoe on and bleach the fuck out of anything stationary including DH” brigade, which in turn brings out all the people who apparently only change sheets when they’re the colour of wet tarmac, share one towel between 8 and let the dog lick the plates clean. In reality, most people are somewhere in the middle.

I’m sometimes baffled by the skewed pile-ons that seem to happen every week, where I can’t quite grasp how so many people are chiming in with the same (to me, pretty unreasonable) opinion, but by and large I’m heartened by the wit and wisdom of so many of the amazing women on here - the support and solidarity, the kindness and - especially - the much-needed propagation of feminist ideas and an understanding of what constitutes basic fairness and equality in work, relationships, society and life. An education that all women should get from a young age, but don’t. Thank god for this place!

Why do people come on here and lie that their kid has cancer/died etc? There's some absolute freaks out there.

A lot of the internet can be fantasy land. It always has been. 🤷‍♀️

I agree with this and thank goodness I did find MN at a young age, I wonder how different my relationships would have been otherwise (especially one or two where classic red flags were waved and I realised that they shouldn’t be ignored).

Does everyone have their shit together here? I don’t know, I think each person has at least one part of their life that is probably causing them angst and difficulty at a time. Thinking around my friends now most of them have clean enough houses, don’t drink loads or do drugs that I’m aware of (some are ex addicts) - but for different people the part of life they feel is not together ranges from SEN children struggling at school, to crap teeth, to MH problems, sick parents, insecure housing, overwork, low wage, loneliness, estrangement from a family member and so on. So yeah I guess I don’t know anyone who feels totally “sorted”, I was probably at my most sorted technically in terms of life being well organised before I met DP and had a baby but at the same time I was really sad about being alone so… yeah life is a complex jungle of sorted v not sortedness. ❤️

The defensiveness on MN is off the charts. People queuing up to say - "I'm tidy! I'm clean! I have high standards! I hate drugs and my kids hate screens! I've made all the right life choices, honestly I have, please validate me in this!"

It's really interesting. We're all so scared of being judged and being found wanting, even by anonymous strangers. I think half the posts on here are written by people trying to make themselves feel better about themselves. And if that requires putting someone else down, then that's what they'll do.

I had no idea how useful Mumsnet would be. I definitely think it enabled me to split from a grumpy, self centred man.

I have "raise the bar OP" ringing in my ears from posts around that time and I think that's what led me to think others have the 'bar' higher but the points about this being a snapshot are very good.

I also am amazed at how well everyone can write and how clever and funny people are (I didn't understand that Lenin porn thing at all tho!)

I’m glad it helped you, I do think for some people they’d end up alone, bitter and twisted if they listened to the advice. Not to say being alone in itself is an issue, but the bitter and twisted part not ideal.

When I joined mumsnet I was pregnant with my first child. The threads I ended up on most were about breastfeeding and sexual assault. Breastfeeding because I was mixed feeding, finding breastfeeding practically impossible and really struggling and the general consensus then was you just weren’t trying hard enough and were therefore a bad mother. The sexual assault ones were me and a core group of mnetters arguing that you cannot avoid being assaulted by wearing certain clothes, never going out after dark, never drinking etc and it was luck and not the length of your skirt that had kept you from being assaulted so far in your life.

I don’t see these arguments as much now so I guess these are less contentious these days which I hope is a good thing 😊

I do think the feminist slant of mn is hugely influential in a world that wants you to shut up and get drudging. I’m glad it has helped you op 😊 Women need to talk freely about their lives and relationships and have their eyes opened to what you could have - good and bad.