To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

[Usedtobeslummy]

Posting for traffic really.

I started reading mumsnet about 2yrs ago which coincided with when my ex and I split up.

I was encouraged by what seemed to be lots of empowered confident women unafraid to stand up for themselves. I realised my bar was low.

Mumsnet has made me realise I have quite a different bar to most. I grew up in a very chaotic household - parents in addiction with significant mental health issues, frequent police and a&e trips etc.

I'm very settled and have a good career and kids, quite different to my family. But mumsnet makes me realise I'm not quite where the other posters are.

For eg I am really surprised at the zero tolerance for any drug taking, even weed. People (and parents) taking drugs has been very normal to me.

I'm also surprised at how little people seem to drink and lots of people think poorly of people getting drunk.

I was mega shocked that everyone seems to think sleeping in a bed someone else has slept in is incredibly gross.

I change bedsheets for guests but I thought my friends were pernickety. I didn't realise it was normal (I am 40!) The idea of sleeping in a bed my best friend has slept in doesn't gross me out. But I have learnt I am not the norm!

I"m also surprised at how many posters have equal relationships with husbands. Most of my friends work full time, do most childcare and life admin.

I'm sure there are other examples but I suppose I am surprised at wholesome / ordered people seem to be on here. I thought I had my shit together but my bar is still miles away compared to others!

I still find it inspiring. Has opened my eyes. Would love to hear others' views. And maybe to hear if everyone who has their shit together came from a family that also did?

But a lot of people’s life experience involves pretty old school gender roles. It’s really not uncommon. I mean, we live in patriarchy.

Me either. And I rarely have my shit together.

But guests get clean sheets, and men can take their fuckery elsewhere.

I reckon some of it is true. It’s just what’s normal to them and it is difficult to truly understand others spheres if you have never experienced it. Even when you do know and you’re out of it it’s difficult to really remember.

For example I cannot understand how people get fat. I can. It’s eating / not exercising / genes etc. But I also just cant. Just don’t eat as much.

But then I smoke. I really can’t stop. Others probably look at me and just think well just don’t smoke. So they get its an addiction. But they also don’t. Just like I don’t get the eating.

I used to be addicted to drugs. Now I’m not. Many friends are in various stages of drug induced breakdown. So I think just stop. But I couldn’t until I did. Looking back I don’t know I quit and simultaneously don’t know how I was able to do so many drugs.

So everything is together until it’s not. And it’s not until it’s together.

It isn't the people with strong relationships who are making stuff up.

It's the ones who portray their life as perfect, glossy, full of abundant fun and excitement, holidays with their picture-perfect family when in fact their life is ordinary, mundane and less perfect than they show online,

the challenge is that it's impossible to know who's faking it and who's genuine. That's what plays havoc with people's mental health, because they are trying to live up to a non-existent unattainable ideal, that's inaccurate and misleading.

It's eye opening sometimes, how others actually live and also how some others pretend they live.* *

It never occurred to me to describe myself as someone who’s ’got it together’, it was my teenage DD who pointed that out. I asked what she meant by that, and she replied that I don’t seem to bumble and fumble with stuff, I have a clear idea of what to do and I just get on with it and do it with minimal fuss.
I laughed and told her I grew up in a chaotic hell hole, where bed sheets were never washed if they happened to have made it to the bed, more often than not we didn’t even have that. There is always food available because we genuinely starved a lot of the time. There’s always money left at the end of the month, a jar with notes and coins I keep handy, so we never have to turn the house upside down looking for pennies for a loaf of bread. Everything has a place because every time we were looking for something at home, it was an extremely traumatic process that involved ransacking the entire house.

What I am saying is that I don’t think any of us make it to that point because we’re vastly superior women, coming on here to look down on people. We’ve learned the hard way to be independent and to know our worth. And we’re sharing our experiences not to make us feel better or to project some sort of fantasy, who gives a fuck if I change my bedding weekly, seriously, who’s gonna check? But I’m telling you I do, and they’re beautiful and smell amazing and you should too, because you’re worth the trouble, there’s nothing better than getting into a freshly made bed after a hot bath at the end of the day after you’ve done everything for everyone else, do something for yourself.

And you know something else? My DD is now an adult. She’s learned to enjoy fresh bedding, to save money, to cook good food, to have boundaries, to enjoy holidays, to look after herself and hers not because she’s been through trauma, but because it makes her life good and she’s worth it. I think that’s the whole point.

What a good post - I was thinking yesterday that in my circle of female friends who I grew up with, the ones that have it more together if that's the word all had difficult childhoods. Including materially and job wise they are doing better than their parents as well as emotionally and how they parent children if they have any. The one who had a stable childhood , very low drama etc isn't , it's like she's gone backwards from her parents- it may be just her but it does seem that the ones who didn't have a good start have done their best to build a different life.

I understand what you are saying but people often put on weight when they stop smoking for the following reasons so your not understanding people putting on weight isn't an ideal comparison because smoking helps you keep your weight down. That's why so many models used to smoke.

Metabolism: Nicotine increases your metabolism, which means your body burns more calories while you're smoking. When you quit, your metabolism slows down, and you burn fewer calories.
Hunger: Smoking reduces your appetite, so when you quit, you might feel hungrier and eat more.
Stress: You might eat to feel better or deal with stress.

Absolutely OP! I get what people are saying about anyone can pretend to be anyone on here, but as long as you find it inspiring I think that's great. It's helped you see there's other ways of being, other versions of what's 'normal' and your life is better for it. Mumsnet at its best!

I was raised by very anxious parents whose approach to life was essentially,' keep your head down, don't make a fuss, don't rock the boat.' This was my normal and it hasn't served me well in life, especially in relationships where I've put up with much more than I should. I honestly credit the good women of mumsnet - in all their diverse experiences and advice - with helping me realise this and awakening me to the fact that there's other ways of being.

I sometimes think I am the only Tory voter! so not sure we are always together on all issues. I voted Remain. I hope people feel on here they can express any view they like as I particularly like hearing different views from my own and different situations from my own.

people exaggerate online. Or you hear about their ideals rather than their reality. Even 13 year olds (or the biggest idiot you’ve ever met, of any age) give advice online, you have to be careful about how you interpret stuff you read on the internet.

My views and reality differ on some things. I don’t like cannabis use at all because I’ve seen the effects it has on mental health (there are significant scientific studies to back this up too, though it seems lots of the general population are in denial on this one) but I know one of my teen DC has tried it a few times and I wasn’t angry or surprised (she told me in conversation, no judgment). I think relationships ought to be equal but mine isn’t (and the mumsnet classic of “not putting up with it” would lead to massive arguments and relationship breakdown because he literally can’t see he contributes to the mess, or that working 10 hours days 4 times a week is no more than me working 5 eight hour days. On balance I choose to stay in the relationship and do all housework and admin because someone has too.)
On other things I don’t measure up to the mumsnet ideal: my house is messier than it should be, and than I’d like (but of my DC’s friends, 70% of their houses are the same. I have no idea how the other 30% do it: maybe they have equal relationships or don’t have 2 working parents? Or maybe they are just better than me.)
My upbringing was stable: 2 parents, mum worked PT, dad did as he was told by mum around the house. Mum was a bit controlling, threatened suicide occasionally but no known health or MH issues. No addiction etc.

If the clean brigade on here could see my house, they'd get an attack of the vapours. There was a thread recently about "grim housekeeping things my DH does/fails to do". I (a woman) did every single one of them, and worse. But I didn't post about it - what would be the point?

I recently had a dream that we had to have pictures of our faces and the fronts of our homes under our usernames 😬

I'd describe myself as very together- organised admin and finances, tidy attractive house, equitable relationship, clean high quality towels, & bedclothes for guests but I do think my hygiene and food fussiness is lower than many on MN and some of my friends - I happily wear a bra for a week, change my bed clothes once a fortnight ( or even a bit longer), eat leftovers, particularly takeaway left overs - the amount of food my friends just throw away absolutely staggers me - it feels so wrong. I beat myself up if I let any meat go out of date and have to throw it away.

Maybe they view it as equal but I wonder if it is. That said like you I definitely know couples where the man is a genuine equal partner. But it’s a minority. A clear minority.

Why does the pay gap govern you dating? You can choose the career path you want to follow?

I outearn the average woman AND man but that’s because I chose to follow a well paid career path.

However you have my sympathies - it’s crazy that a man can do 30% of domestic and emotional labour and still people think it is too much.

You saw this here on Mumsnet on the thread of the woman whose only laundry task is washing his own clothes while she does everything else. The sheer number of posters berating her for not also remembering for him too was shocking.

I mean the data available clearly shows that equal partnerships are not the norm. Women do the lion’s share of emotions and domestic labour and that share is even higher for breadwinner women.

So it that’s what the data shows then some of the comments here about having an equal partnership can be viewed with suspicion.

How could somebody say for sure they do not know anybody / are not related to anybody that does drugs?

Unless you are with them 24/7 you would have absolutely no idea.

100%, I used to work with someone for years and thought I knew him pretty well, turned out he'd had addition issues the whole time - with no signs that anyone at work picked up on.

And not even addiction. There are a ton of social class A drug users. People saying here that they are SURE nobody they know / are related to uses drugs are deluding themselves.