To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

[Usedtobeslummy]

Posting for traffic really.

I started reading mumsnet about 2yrs ago which coincided with when my ex and I split up.

I was encouraged by what seemed to be lots of empowered confident women unafraid to stand up for themselves. I realised my bar was low.

Mumsnet has made me realise I have quite a different bar to most. I grew up in a very chaotic household - parents in addiction with significant mental health issues, frequent police and a&e trips etc.

I'm very settled and have a good career and kids, quite different to my family. But mumsnet makes me realise I'm not quite where the other posters are.

For eg I am really surprised at the zero tolerance for any drug taking, even weed. People (and parents) taking drugs has been very normal to me.

I'm also surprised at how little people seem to drink and lots of people think poorly of people getting drunk.

I was mega shocked that everyone seems to think sleeping in a bed someone else has slept in is incredibly gross.

I change bedsheets for guests but I thought my friends were pernickety. I didn't realise it was normal (I am 40!) The idea of sleeping in a bed my best friend has slept in doesn't gross me out. But I have learnt I am not the norm!

I"m also surprised at how many posters have equal relationships with husbands. Most of my friends work full time, do most childcare and life admin.

I'm sure there are other examples but I suppose I am surprised at wholesome / ordered people seem to be on here. I thought I had my shit together but my bar is still miles away compared to others!

I still find it inspiring. Has opened my eyes. Would love to hear others' views. And maybe to hear if everyone who has their shit together came from a family that also did?

I’m the opposite in some ways - MN has really made me value my husband even more as you read such horrible things on here where it’s not a team effort within the relationship. I grew up with loving parents and work with kids now… and yes I’m horrified by getting drunk/using drugs in front of kids. Sheets wise…. I mean I always change them after visitors but it wouldn’t horrify me to get into bed after my best mate or indeed share with her if needed! They feel like very different things tbf!

NEWSFLASH!

People are different!

I know, shocking right! 😱

I’ve found MN such an eye opener about the cleanliness stuff. But I’ve not seen that as a class thing, maybe it is. I don’t take it to mean that there’s a high bar I need to reach - I think some people are a bit batshit and I feel sorry for them that they waste their time getting worked up about bed sheets etc being ‘disgusting’! I do find it fascinating to learn how other people think.

The one that gets to me more is the dog vibe that MN dog owners portray themselves as owning dogs with perfect recall at all times, whose dogs never go near others or misbehave. My dog is a bit of an arsehole sometimes even though I’ve done lots of training, like in real life I find most dogs are in one way or another, but MN makes me feel inadequate like you are describing!

@Usedtobeslummy I think it is a lot easier to see clearly for others rather than yourself and so many of us can say what path others should take but find it incredibly hard ourselves 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I would say I have lowish hygiene standards but I would still put clean sheets on for a guest. No interest in drugs whatsoever. Very occasional binge drinking (twice a year maybe ) but mostly minimal.

God knows I'm very far from perfect: I've spent a good week now thinking about how much the downstairs loo could do with a good scrub yet continuing to not do it.

I only wash my hair about once a week (twice if I'm feeling fancy) and lunch today was a slice of ham eaten out of the packet standing at the fridge and half a bit of Rocky Road that I found on the kitchen worktop.

However, what blows my mind endlessly on here is the amount of shit seemingly intelligent women will tolerate from men. Unbelievable.

I have never done this and I don't know a single woman among my friendship group who has or would either.

Where do they find these fuckers?!

The grass may seem greener, but it’s often just astroturf

Don’t believe everything you read, people typically try to look better than they really are, I’m on a grippy sock holiday, so trust me, lots of us don’t have our shit together.

Stealing this expression!

That's actually a pretty good philosophy

Yes. I definitely think most people post about the life they’d like to believe they lead rather than the one they actually do.

Wishing you well xx

In my experience a certain type of person is massively overrepresented on mumsnet: introverted and uptight. I include myself in that! So bear that in mind when you read this stuff. It doesn't reflect the consensus of real life people. I know a lot of very functional, together, real life people who don't wash sheets for every guest and are fine with people getting drunk.

Some of the best advice I've ever gotten:

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.

I'm surprised so many posters have found caring, intelligent guys they fancy! Seems a rarity in my world. I wouldn't know where to find one. I'm happily single now.

The older I get the more I realise that people talk a lot of bullshit.

In other words, don't believe everything you read.

"And maybe to hear if everyone who has their shit together came from a family that also did?"

I do think this is a huge part of it. Growing up both my parents worked out of the house full time (although my mother only once me and my siblings had started school) so all housework was split fairly. Yes they probably split it quite strictly along traditional gender lines but I never saw my dad do less than my mum - if she cooked he washed up, if she was putting a wash on he was mowing the lawn, etc. As a result me and my siblings all have very equal relationships. We don't all split jobs the same way but we all split them fairly. None of us have ever thought twice about leaving the dc with their fathers overnight or for a few days because they are as involved in childrearing as the mothers.

As far as I'm aware my grandparents were similar - much more traditional along what jobs they did but both my grandfathers were very hands on. There was never a point in family gatherings growing up where the women were cooking all day and the men watching tv or whatever.

So having grown up with that example as normal it does surprise me when I read about so many men who are utterly useless on here and I always have to overwrite my initial thought of 'why don't you just tell them....' because I do recognise that it must be much harder when a different dynamic is the norm, and you're fighting against both your own cultural background and expectations and his if he's come from a family where the women do everything. I've been in relationships where my partner mentioned that his dad had never changed a nappy for example, and it was an immediate discussion that I would not, ever, have a child with him if he thought that was okay. It must be much easier to have that sort of line in the sand if you know that your expectations aren't unreasonable and there are lots of men out there who will share things equally, rather than starting off on the backfoot and constantly having to fight for things.

I've spent a lot of my life in unequal relationships and might as well have had "co-dependent looking for adict" on my dating profile. My bar has typically been about an inch lower than my self esteem which I used to keep in the basement of the rock bottom hotel. I've worked very hard on myself with the support of some amazing women and I'm better now. I don't change my sheets very often or clean up much but would pretend I did if asked.

I’d say it is normal to give new bedsheets to guests, never known anyone who doesn’t do this

I like my life wholesome and organised. I enjoy a clean, tidy house, hike for fun and obvious loud drinking and drug taking give me the ick. However, I come from a background where I had to look after myself from about 12 as dm was in a mental hospital and my dad was elderly and ill. From a young age, I had to stand outside the betting shop and ask strange men to put bets on for him as he couldn’t walk to it. I was ashamed to bring friends home as he had pretty gross habits. I was mocked for wanting to have frequent baths like twice a week. So I don’t think it’s surprising that I like things well organised, my home to be a haven and look down on things like booze and gambling. I also hate shouting and name calling and wouldn’t tolerate it-from any family member-again, that sort of thing was frequent in my childhood home. I think I’ve deliberately sought out different styles of people and way of life.

My take on this is, there are SO many people on here and people comment on what they choose to comment on.

So you may think someone has their shit together because they comment on a post about washing bedsheets saying they wouldn’t dream of sleeping in a bed their friend has slept in without washing the sheets, but what that person ISNT saying is all the other, unrelated things in their life that they don’t do to keep their head above the water. The woman saying she only sleeps in fresh bedsheets may have had the biggest row with her ex husband that morning over childcare, but you wouldn’t know that based on bed sheet content.
Then you could move onto a thread about childcare where one woman comments saying her husband does 50% of the housework and childcare, and you think “god she’s so lucky and has a real good set up there” but what she DIDNT say, cause it wasn’t relevant to the thread, is that she’s currently being pushed out of her friendship group and is very lonely.
Now let’s look at a thread where one woman says she doesn’t condone drugs of any kind and thinks people who drink all hve a problem, she claims to lead such a clean, wholesome life. But did she include the fact she’s struggling with infertility and it takes over her whole life? No. Because it wasn’t relevant to the thread.

I think the point I’m trying to make is, there’s a LOT going on in peoples lives behind the certain comments they make on here, they are just sharing a snapshot.

Glad you're better now. You can add "has a cracking turn of phrase" to your profile too! X

A lot of this is familiar. You've done very well. Completely agree on the shouting thing. Can't bear it.

I think I have my shit together but only because parents both had difficult childhoods and were determined that their children would have the opposite.

My mum, in particular, had some other strong role models in her life including her best friend's mum and a neighbour. She considered both of their households very grounded and says she borrowed a lot from their parenting when raising us. She doesn't talk about it much.

I think I was in my 20s before I realised how lucky I was. Growing up, I always thought my parents were boring and sensible and others had parents who gave them far more freedom and were more fun.

From what you have posted it does seem like you have your life together too - you left a man who didn't treat you well, have happy children and a good job. Don't underestimate that.

I think this is so true. I would happily tell anyone that my guests get clean bedding and towels, I'm probably not telling you that I'll sleep in that bed the night after them to get away from my snoring DH. I'm also not telling you the last time I washed my kitchen floor.