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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like being called by forename by kids

395 replies

BreakingDad77 · 09/10/2024 14:36

I don't know but somehow it feels odd when sons friends year 6 age range calling me by my forename. I haven't said anything but part of me feels I would prefer Mr surname or "sons name - dad".

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 09/10/2024 16:01

Another2Cats · 09/10/2024 15:55

"...and I used to assume it was a power play"

I can't speak for others but I don't think that's the case.

For example, it really annoys me when a person I don't know uses the shortened version of my first name (at work, I generally use my full name, think of maybe something like Nicola rather than Nicky)

If I went into a bank and someone there started calling me by my shortened first name then that would annoy me.

I think a good approach was that taken when I went to a meeting at an organisation for the first time recently. One of the first things the person asked me was how do I prefer to be addressed, as Mrs X or [full first name] or something else.

Show quote history

I agree all of this.

I agree I don’t think it’s a power play but rather more a withholding of intimacy which isn’t the same thing at all.

I do think I the people who get annoyed about being asked to call people by their surname mistakenly contextualise it as power play, however, and it’s why it bugs them.

Most of all, I agree with just asking people what they like to be called. I can’t think of many situations where I wouldn’t answer that with my first name, but I think it’s respectful of someone’s personal boundaries to ask.

feelingrobbed · 09/10/2024 16:01

I told a kid to call me Queen (initial) the other day. Living my best life now and hoping she spreads it to the other kids 😂

MrsMurphyIWish · 09/10/2024 16:01

Bansheed · 09/10/2024 14:45

It's a need for the recognition status, I think. Some people are like that, they like hierarchy. The poster who said teacher, military , that was a good call

I’m a teacher. I leave “Mrs X” at work!

Thefaceofboe · 09/10/2024 16:01

But it’s your name? Threads on here are getting weirder and weirder

Bellaboo01 · 09/10/2024 16:01

Floranan · 09/10/2024 14:53

When my eldest was in pre school his best friend called me J* mum, I said how about calling me “my name” his mum interrupted and said she wasn’t comfortable with the I could be aunt as we are good friends. I didn’t like that so the little lad looked at me for a while and said “ I’ll call you JM (m’s my surname first letter}. It’s stuck, 30 years later I’m still JM , all my children’s friends have called me it over the years, their partners and children now call me it, I personally love it, it often gets shortened to M which DH says suits me better but then he’s a James Bond fan.

Thats really lovely and also a term of endearment from them which must mean that they are very fond of you and also feel comfortable with you.

My kids friends all call me by my first name and i am close to them but, i would also be really happy with a 'nickname'.

I wouldnt expect anyone to call me 'Mrs XXXX' as per the original poster though.

Calliopespa · 09/10/2024 16:02

LewishamMumNow · 09/10/2024 15:46

OP where art thou?

She doesn’t answer to OP: please use her username.

Shodan · 09/10/2024 16:02

I'm quite surprised at these responses- all my sons' friends called me Mrs Surname until I invited them to call me by my first name (usually when they got to about secondary school, if memory serves).

All their parents insisted on it- it's always been seen as quite rude to assume that a young child could just use an adult's first name without asking, around here.

We certainly don't address teachers or principals by their first name.

Calliopespa · 09/10/2024 16:03

Thefaceofboe · 09/10/2024 16:01

But it’s your name? Threads on here are getting weirder and weirder

And your title is your title 🤷🏻‍♀️

HamptonPlace · 09/10/2024 16:03

respect for one's elders?

Sleepymogster · 09/10/2024 16:03

My niece and nephew have used my forename for years, since they were probable about 11. I much prefer it

ACynicalDad · 09/10/2024 16:04

It feels a bit weird but the more formal ones are even weirder!

Calliopespa · 09/10/2024 16:05

Conchetti · 09/10/2024 15:50

Also, sure respect is 2 way? So don't call the children miss X or master Y? Or is respect only one way in an adult/child interaction?

Yep in my home country we not only call friends aunty and uncle, but youngers also sometimes called little brother, little sister as a mark of respect.

This summer visiting our home country, the airport immigration officer referred to my DS as little brother, as in where is little brother's passport and boarding pass. I found this so nice and polite compared to the grunts you get at Heathrow.

He took a risk, though, in today’s climate! 😀

SimpleThings101 · 09/10/2024 16:08

Another2Cats · 09/10/2024 15:55

"...and I used to assume it was a power play"

I can't speak for others but I don't think that's the case.

For example, it really annoys me when a person I don't know uses the shortened version of my first name (at work, I generally use my full name, think of maybe something like Nicola rather than Nicky)

If I went into a bank and someone there started calling me by my shortened first name then that would annoy me.

I think a good approach was that taken when I went to a meeting at an organisation for the first time recently. One of the first things the person asked me was how do I prefer to be addressed, as Mrs X or [full first name] or something else.

Show quote history

“...and I used to assume it was a power play"

I agree with @Another2Cats that’s not the case, with me anyway.

It’s purely a matter of addressing people in the correct way, and in the case of elders being addressed by children, having a little respect.

Nothing to do with “power plays”

Calliopespa · 09/10/2024 16:08

Shodan · 09/10/2024 16:02

I'm quite surprised at these responses- all my sons' friends called me Mrs Surname until I invited them to call me by my first name (usually when they got to about secondary school, if memory serves).

All their parents insisted on it- it's always been seen as quite rude to assume that a young child could just use an adult's first name without asking, around here.

We certainly don't address teachers or principals by their first name.

To be honest this was my upbringing too. Never had a problem with it.

It seems not to be that of my DC’s friends so I go with the flow and don’t follow the way I was brought up, but, that said, I can’t see how it’s weird or disrespectful to the child. If a friend asked my Dc to call them by their surname, that’s what we’d do.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 09/10/2024 16:10

My vote I'd YABU

Growing up, I had to call all my parents' friends auntie/uncle and I hated it.

My son's school (special) is all first names and I also find that awkward!

I tell my children's friends they can call me by my first name, a couple still call me Mrs surname, and that's fine.

Calliopespa · 09/10/2024 16:12

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/10/2024 15:07

My bank and GP call me by my first name and that's fine with me. I'm nearly 70 fwiw.

Show quote history

Yes I don’t mind being formally addressed by gp/bank.

Especially it’s one of those middle aged guys who come across as though they’ve “ got one eye open” as my aunt would say!

In all honesty I don’t insist on it; but I do feel people should be able to if that’s how they feel.

Hollowvoice · 09/10/2024 16:13

I don't mind what the DCs friends call me. Some use my name, some use "X's Mum" and now I think about it some don't address me directly at all (not in a rude way, just have no need to use a name)
There's one particular friend I feel like I should tell to use my name but I just like the way she comes in to the house shouting "Hi X's Mum"

TinyTear · 09/10/2024 16:13

MadameRed · 09/10/2024 14:40

You want them to call you "Dylan's dad" in person?

Like Lucky's Dad in Bluey I guess

PaperGloves · 09/10/2024 16:14

Shodan · 09/10/2024 16:02

I'm quite surprised at these responses- all my sons' friends called me Mrs Surname until I invited them to call me by my first name (usually when they got to about secondary school, if memory serves).

All their parents insisted on it- it's always been seen as quite rude to assume that a young child could just use an adult's first name without asking, around here.

We certainly don't address teachers or principals by their first name.

DS’s primary school was all first-names, teachers, Head, janitor, TAs, everyone. In fact I only realised we didn’t know the Head’s surname until I needed it for a secondary school application! So it would have been deeply weird for him to treat his friend’s parents with exaggerated deference. He’s now at a very formal secondary where all teachers are formally addressed, and is fine with it. He’s not behaving any differently with said teachers. It’s perfectly possible to respect someone you address as ‘Bob’.

Dampfnudeln · 09/10/2024 16:16

dinosaurandlonelyghost · 09/10/2024 15:05

Only in the UK.. 😩 Our principle came to say hello today and the children waved happily and said hi, using her nickname.

There is not a single person in my country who anyone would call anything else than their first name.

Definitely not only in the UK, Frau Dinosaurlandlonelyghost.
The UK looks very relaxed compared with Germany. My DC refer to most of their friends' parents as Frau or Herr X. When we're in the UK, it's strictly first names only. I prefer the more informal way.

Mnetcurious · 09/10/2024 16:19

Have we regressed 40/50 years? That’s a very old fashioned view. Why would you want your children’s friends to be formal with you and not relaxed? You can be informal but still respectful.

booisbooming · 09/10/2024 16:19

I had a temp job at a very stuffy and old fashioned charity in 2005 and all the volunteers (posh old ladies) wanted to be Mrs Jonathan Smith in correspondence. You weren't allowed to call them Mrs Sheila Smith. One of them bollocked me for this once, "I am NOT divorced!". But this was seen as completely barmy even then.

I've never been anything other than Firstname even professionally.

YaraRocks · 09/10/2024 16:20

My youngest DD’s friends used to call me ‘Mrs Mummy’ when they were in early years of primary school. Still makes me smile now thinking about it. Must admit I’m always a little taken aback whenever young children call me by my first name. Growing up that was deemed very impolite and disrespectful. I don’t think it’s a power thing, just a bit sad that we’re losing that part of our culture. Maybe I’m old fashioned but think it’s important for kids to show a bit of respect to adults.

SimpleThings101 · 09/10/2024 16:23

YaraRocks · 09/10/2024 16:20

My youngest DD’s friends used to call me ‘Mrs Mummy’ when they were in early years of primary school. Still makes me smile now thinking about it. Must admit I’m always a little taken aback whenever young children call me by my first name. Growing up that was deemed very impolite and disrespectful. I don’t think it’s a power thing, just a bit sad that we’re losing that part of our culture. Maybe I’m old fashioned but think it’s important for kids to show a bit of respect to adults.

“Growing up that was deemed very impolite and disrespectful”

exactly.

Not hierarchical, not a power play.
Just being polite and respectful to one’s elders.

Hollowvoice · 09/10/2024 16:23

Shodan · 09/10/2024 16:02

I'm quite surprised at these responses- all my sons' friends called me Mrs Surname until I invited them to call me by my first name (usually when they got to about secondary school, if memory serves).

All their parents insisted on it- it's always been seen as quite rude to assume that a young child could just use an adult's first name without asking, around here.

We certainly don't address teachers or principals by their first name.

That was my upbringing too but I think these days, when it's more common than it was then for parents to not be married, and/or have different surnames to their DC then first names are simpler?
My eldest has had one particular friend for about 6 years now. The mum and I are now friends too but I didn't know until about a year ago that she isn't married and doesn't have the same surname as her DC. So all the times before that when I called the school to say she was collecting my DC I've said Mrs A, not knowing she's actually Ms B.