Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

OP he doesn’t know much about health and fitness doing this to himself. It is not a long term
solution as the body into a state of overload and starvation. He might fit into his old suits but he’s going his well-being real damage.
I have a feeling that he’s feeling his age for the first time. He’s by no means old but he’s aware that youth is not on his side and this is his way of dealing with it.
It can be addictive and if he’s willing to sacrifice closeness in his marriage for this addiction, it’s not great for the future.
Give him a bit of time, encourage him to buy a couple of suits that suit and fit him now, and be very clear about your own needs and wants. He must be aware his behaviours are affecting your health now.
It would be great if he actually had a PT would could encourage him to slow down a bit and ease up on the restrictions - a really good one would put a workable programme in place that doesn’t involve 4 hours a day.

Eating and training like that and the lack of sleep is screaming steroid use to me OP. I say that as someone who was married to a bodybuilder.

I get up and get ready in the spare room.

It is no more disturbing to my husband than me getting up and going to the loo at night. Less actually, because it is a one way trip.

He's being extremely unhealthy as well as prioritising this above your marriage. Is he working with a PT at the gym? This could help as they can develop a routine that is more time efficient, some will have qualifications in nutrition so can also advise on healthy diet that will fuel sustainable weight loss. The way he's going, he's on track to faint or have bowel issues on the day of the presentation!
Could you do any exercise together, eg a morning walk - he could wear a weighted vest to make it a workout for him?
But also, is there nothing you can do to stop what sounds like a minor disruption making it impossible for you to get back to sleep? Do you really not have other noise at all where you are, or could you be stressed at the overall situation so that when he wakes you to go the gym, you then feel stressed all morning...?

First things first: you need sleep and to get back on top of your health - take the offer of him sleeping elsewhere whilst you recover. Once you feel better in yourself decide whether you want to continue your marriage with someone so obsessive - particularly if he is more concerned with his physique than your relationship.

Huh?

He sounds very selfish and self absorbed.

I have had the same issue actually, but it is purely weights with my partner. The thing is, the gym is hugely important to my other half, he feels better and is very committed.

In his case he did change his routine and goes for 3 or so hours in the evening. Would that work better for you? Or get him to shave some time off in the week and do an extra hour at the weekend?

I get what you mean about the sleeping alone. But I do think he has compromised already so maybe go back with other suggestions that work better for you but don't cut down drastically on his gym time and he may be more receptive. Then you can tackle reducing the time at another point a week or so later.

My friends husband does but he's very focused
45 min bike or run in the morning, 45 min bike at night and then weights at lunch time usually

It does sound like he's overdoing it. Could he cut down the morning gym visits to a couple a week and go Saturday or Sunday morning? That way he could sleep on the sofa a couple of nights or you could handle the early waking a couple of times a week?

You've done well to disguise an opinion as a fact there

He’s probably up to no good
That’s an excessive amount of time at gym

He might be meeting a woman there.

@RubyRedEye you said "it’s him getting up that wakes me. I’m just sensitive to his movement."

so do you also wake if he gets up to go to the toilet in the night?
you are being unreasonable...

That’s not 4 hrs a day though.

Yabu. He’s offered a fair solution. Alternatively go to bed at 930pm and you’ll have your 7 hours sleep by 430am.

You aren't unreasonable to want your husband in bed. But if it was me I'd be wondering why he's being so unreasonable. His behavior is worrying and likely to end in injury, 4 hours a day at the gym (especially without proper nutrition and a reasonably paced gradual increase in load is asking for trouble). The supplements are wildly excessive and probably all just getting excreted but you do have to be careful, taking too much of some things can stop others nutrients/vitamins being absorbed. You mentioned he is anxious- is it possible that he is excessively exercising to manage stress. Could he get a personal trainer? What he is doing is really ineffective as well as risky, a PT would explain the best way to get where he wants to be. How would he react to you gifting him some personal trainer sessions? That may sort your problem if it's just a case of him not understanding that 4 hours a day isn't likely to be better than 1.

@oakleaffy no, he often does 4hrs because he will do CrossFit/weights at lunch which is 2hrs
A longer run as well is the same
But it doesn't affect his wife or children as he works hard to make sure of it

He does wake me if he gets up to use the loo. But then I can go right back to sleep as soon as he’s hopped back into bed.

When he gets up and goes out of the room, I just can’t seem to fall back to sleep. I try and sometimes an hour will pass and eventually I’ll drift off until the alarm, but the disruption wrecks me for the day. Most of the time after about an hour or so of laying there, I’ll just give in and drag myself up.

If your children have left home don’t you have spare beds (just think of an alternative to cream soda issue), also sofa sleeping isn’t good for your back.

however I think this may be turning into an obsession and the food issue could turn into an eating disorder.

is there an opportunity for you both to go to the gym in the evenings? Could you both join a health club so it has a gym and other available activities (pool/sauna).

and ignore people going on at you about sleeping alone. I love sleeping in a bed with my husband even though his snoring annoys me, when he’s not here I miss the warmth and cuddles and spooning etc. that’s your preference and that’s fine it doesn’t make you ‘less of a grown up’

Same and I know a lot of bodybuilders and powerlifters. 2 hours 4 or 5 days a week max. Not every workout is 2 hours either. They spend most of their time eating protein filled meals so are mostly in their homes in their kitchens.

I would be suspicious of someone who goes to the gym twice a day most days and can still walk straight at the end of it.

This sounds really concerning tbh OP, I'd be worried about an eating disorder or similar. It's far too extreme.

He is being extreme. Taking steroids?

I have some concern for him. As he is over 40, there could be an element of ageism brewing at his work given that his concern is about appearing fit and youthful for important meetings with upper management and VIPs.

Ageism is really rampant in the U.K. For example, Starmer sacking Sue Gray in favour of a baby faced man with no experience in Whitehall but adroitly did a backstabbing character assassination of Gray screams both ageism and sexism.

I think I’d encourage the PT and nutritionist- it is not too much and he could be harming himself more than helping by falling for health industry scams.

Tbh neither is unreasonable. It just sounds like your lifestyles aren’t compatible.

I agree, this man suffers from “vigorexia”, it’s a psychological disorder that makes you want to work out every day where you become obsessed with exercise, a gym body and having no fat. Unless you’re a professional athlete there’s no reason to spend 4 hours in the gym every day. I would not let my partner spend 4 hrs at the gym if he had a full time job. Ultimately I’m the one who is going to get neglected.