Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

I’m trying to think of whether he has an addictive personality.

He’s never used drugs, smoked or drank much alcohol. He suffers with health anxiety I believe. He visits the GP a lot and worries about his heart, blood pressure, cholesterol, bowels etc. He will always jump to the worst possible cause of a health problem.

He has spent hundreds on supplements. First they took over a drawer, then a cupboard. He takes so many I’m surprised he doesn’t rattle.

and as I mentioned, he’s stopped eating proper food. For tea tonight he will have a protein shake, with about 4 eggs in it, raw.

He's offered a solution, which may not be ideal but it's a solution. Also presumably he will cut down once he's lost a decent amount of weight.

At the moment, you're only accepting one option - he cuts down.

Frankly, it sounds too much time in the gym to be healthy but that's his call.

I can sleep on my own. I don’t want to.

He is spending 4 hours a day 6 days a week at the gym? That is a whole day he is spending 1/7 of his life exercising it is excessive and worrying that is a professional athlete schedule (and that is their job so fit in sleep etc).

it sounds as if he is in the midst of an addiction

Honestly I would just accept it and see how it goes. I doubt he’ll keep this up for long. 4 hours in gym 6 days a week is a lot. He’ll get bored.

Do you know if he's focusing on strength training or is it more cardio, running etc?

Also I didn’t want to add this earlier, but I really don’t like him sleeping on the sofa as it’s cream and where he lays he turns it yellow. It’s a nightmare to clean.

I know many have said it but I think he just needs to sleep alone; he’s working on himself after feeling embarrassed about how he’s presenting himself - the initial draw of going twice a day won’t last long but for now, just let him sleep downstairs for those morning sessions and maybe help encourage him to sort his home setup out in the meantime.

You could also try earplugs at night, I love my Loop ones to drown out noise in the day.

He needs to buy a new smart suit to look good now. Then he can take up a sensible exercise routine. What he's trying at the moment is bonkers.

I think I'd see it as a phase tbh, tell him he's welcome to sleep downstairs and then see how it all goes. 4 hours a day is a huge commitment and I think he'll soon find himself tapering off. Then you just need to resist a smug 'I told you so'.

He's stopped eating proper food, this with the excessive exercise is worrying and sounds like an eating disorder.
He needs help before this escalates.

He really needs to make some changes. That much gym time is really excessive unless he’s a professional athlete. Great that he’s getting into shape, but this sounds an unhealthy obsession really, definitely too much.

And you don’t want sleep deprivation either - which is worse?

Just want to add, it doesn't matter if you can think whether he has an addictive personality or not, looks at the behaviour right now. That's the evidence.

He’s apparently only doing this until Oct 24th when the event is 🙄
The fasting that is, the exercise will continue.

Going to the gym twice a day is absolute madness

I agree with this. Poor bloke. I’d put up with him sleeping on the sofa for a while (put a sheet down). Keep an eye on him. That’s not a healthy lifestyle he’s living.

So he'll sacrifice sleeping with his wife to look good at a presentation....Jesus.

If it's only for another 3 weeks I'd leave him to it.
If it carries on after that I'd explain that it's affecting your relationship and ask him to compromise by working out at home in the mornings instead so not getting up as early.

The problem with EDs is once they start the longer they go on the harder it is to stop by themselves.
People with EDs will use all sorts or excuses or reasons that sound plausible in the beginning and they will gaslight anyone who tries to challenge them.
I'm not trying to scare you but I really think you need to consider the possibility.
What would happen if he couldn't go to the gym for one session? Does he need to compensate at home? Does it cause anxiety, anger, a meltdown?

He's addicted to exercise, nobody needs 4 hours a day in the gym unless you're an Olympic athlete and even then, rest days?

Tackle that and hopefully there is a solution, otherwise you're going to be a Gym Widow.

Your husband's gym habit is seriously dysfunctional.

He sounds self obsessed and selfish. Even if he looked like a god he’d still make my skin crawl with that awful personality.

Hmm, his behavior is worrying, OP.

If he were a teenaged girl, you’d be taking him to the doctor’s due to concerns about a possible eating disorder- excessive exercise and disordered eating can be symptoms of this. Is he also weighing himself a lot?

I think that he needs to talk to his doctor. If he wants to lose weight and tone up, there are healthier ways to do this.

It’s interesting how this behavior is offered ignored in men. I’ve long suspected that one of my BIL has/is borderline for an eating disorder, but his wife brushes off his behaviors, probably because he’s a middle aged man. He also exercises obsessively and tracks his weight by the ounce. 🙁

You can’t be that tired all the time or you would go back to sleep after he’s got up .