Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

Did they pay for the beds, do they pay the mortgage?

Nope my sons bed he's at university is used by grandson when he sleeps over.

I guess different families do different things, it doesnt make them wrong

We talked for well over an hour yesterday, perhaps two, and at times it was quite - not ‘explosive’ but definitely high emotion.
I had been avoiding that in my tiredness.
He was doing what I knew he might do, not giving an inch, and I became extremely upset, extremely upset. And I mentioned other women and I mentioned divorce. I’ve never done that before ever. In fact we rarely argue.
He was shocked.

Do you generally avoid any conversation that might get heated or emotional OP? Do you tend to sweep your concerns under the carpet in order to avoid conflict? Do you avoid arguments because you know your DH won’t give an inch?

It sounds a bit like this may be a pattern in your relationship and this is why your DH was so shocked when you (unusually) said you were unhappy about something and stuck to your guns.

If I’m right, this isn’t healthy. You say you rarely argue but that’s not a good thing if it’s due to you always biting your tongue to avoid an argument.

ignore me if not!

Get some ear plugs?y husband is up at 4:30am for work each day. I go back to sleep or read u til my alarm goes off at 7am.

no biggie.

don’t understand the fascination with the gym though. Why twice a day? 🙄

err..what time is the gym open?

He'll only resent you if you tell him no. Do you actually have plans or do you just want him to sit in and watch Corrie with you?

I haven’t read all the responses so I’m sure others have said the same but he is NOT going to see the results he’s after by overtraining so much and not eating properly. I’m a fitness mad nutritionist so feel as though I do have some knowledge of this subject area. He’s not getting enough sleep for a start which will scupper his efforts full stop. And doing too much and not recovering properly will just decimate muscle rather than develop it. Tell him he needs to start listening to the Mind Pump podcast - there is plenty of good fitness advice on that from three experts who he will likely believe more than me (or you!)

Why doesn’t he just sleep at the gym and have done with it? 4 hours a day every day is excessive and it won’t be doing him any good. Sounds like he is addicted if he is prepared to go to any lengths to fit it in, regardless of your feelings. He must be bloody exhausted and it will catch up with him soon, it’s not sustainable.

As someone with a healthcare/wellness degree I’d say his approach is quite unhealthy. Over-exercising and under-eating is going to have a negative effect. Increased inflammation and disrupted hormones as his body tries to deal with what it essentially perceives as him running away from dangerous animals everyday and during a period of starvation. The body has checks and balances which means that certain processes are down-regulated during this types of stressors, this type of chronic stress is harmful in the long run. Most likely the additional stress hormones will have the effect of making it harder for him to lose weight.

Keeping well via lifestyle and dietary changes is very good for your health but that is not what he is doing. Also, as a professional I would say that it’s the Wild West out there on the supplement market and this should be prescribed by a nutritional therapist only (NOT a PT).

what do you get to talk about if all he does is work and go to the gym?

My only compromise would be for him to sleep on the couch and not go in the evening, otherwise, what’s the point.

My DH gets up about 4.30/5am every day, he only sleeps 6/7 hours a night, always has. It does wake me but I usually get back to sleep til 6.30 when I have to get up for work. Plus side is he walks the dog and makes the sandwiches.

Not much of a marriage then!

It sounds like an obssession which is ruining your quality of life. That's unfair. 2 hours in the evening is enough for anyone. Assuming he is going to the gym... 🤔

I think he is being unreasonable for going to the gym 4 hours a day. He could rotate morning and evening visits so you 1. get some sleep next to your partner, 2. get some evening time with your partner.

This sounds totally suss to me. Does he look like he’s going to the gym twice a day for 2hours, physically. By now he should be super buff. If not I suspect he is doing something else in that time, which would explain why he’s happy to sleep on the couch downstairs, he’s getting his love somewhere else. Why not suggest that you go to the gym together and see his reaction?

As a man who enjoys the gym this is completely unreasonable. No-one needs to go to the gym twice a day - only professional or semi-professional athletes or sportspeople need this. I would go at the very most 6 days a week but usually 4/5 days a week. There is no way he needs to go more than that. Can he not get a few bits of home gym equipment?

What about the whole 'marriage' bit?
Or is the compromise divorce?
I get the half baked compromise of sleeping separately, except, it's not really a compromise for him, unless the sofa is extremely uncomfortable, but where is he or she putting time in the relationship

Also what happens if kids come along?
And how is he handling his portion of the house maintenance with his only(known) fix of sleeping separately solution?

If you have no DC when you are not at work, say you'll go with him, 4.30am or not, go to bed early the previous night, not into exercise, no problems go and watch him, say well you must really enjoy it so ill come and see what i think. DONT give him prior warning. 🤫😉 See how he takes it. If he refuses to let you go, then he's not being honest.

My brother-in-law gets up at 5am to go to the gym for 6am, because it's quieter than when he finishes work. The big difference is that he doesn't go again after work, because he already had his workout in the morning.

From the outside looking in I do not believe he's at the Gym. Maybe some of the time he is but sounds like he's using the Gym as a cover for something else. I guarantee you that he is not being honest with you. You need to have it out with him. You deserve better than this self absorbed, selfish man.

What's the point of being married then??

I don’t think anyone else has mentioned that the DH has sciatica which is keeping him awake. I know he probably won’t listen to you @RubyRedEye , but he really needs to find out what is causing his pain. If he leaves it for too long he is quite likely to get further problems especially if he is doing the wrong type of exercise. A physiotherapist and/or qualified PT could be helpful.

I agree that it’s gross he’s sleeping on the sofa without a sheet under him. Hopefully he wears pyjamas 😧

Sleep separately but meet up in ‘the marital bed’ first for cuddles etc. Sleeping separately for us is key to a happy marriage.

If be suspicious sorry. I don't believe that's where he is xx