Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

It’s very extreme isn’t it? Fair enough going to the gym a few times a week for an hour but morning and night is just stupid. It sounds like he is an all or nothing person. It can’t be a healthy way of getting fit especially with the diet too.

I don't mean this unkindly but I think you are being unreasonable and are too dependent on him. Many married people sleep apart for health reasons; it doesn't mean the relationship is flawed. Surely some cuddling at weekends or early in the evening is plenty?

I find it totally bizarre that in 20 years you have never spent a night apart. Don't you visit family, have work conferences, do outings with friends, hen/stag dos, etc?

It's absurd that he resorts to the couch just to leave the uni students' rooms alone. They have to accept that their rooms might be needed for other uses as the family dynamics change.

He's admirable for wanting to get into shape. Just arrange things so he doesn't wake you. Sacrificing your own sleep hygiene just to "be in bed together" seems an odd choice. Sleep is more important than snuggling and often in life we can't have everything we want.

People aren't required to be glued together in all non-working hours, just because they are married. It's healthy for those approaching middle age to find and develop other interests, other social circles, etc. How dreary otherwise. Marriage doesn't mean one must sit and stare at no one but the spouse every evening for 40 years on end.

OP have you considered finding an equally absorbing hobby?

Have you told him you want him to cut down on the gym for the sake of your marriage? Exercising twice a day is neither normal nor necessary.

How overweight was he before he decided to go on this insane weight loss mission? Does he binge eat? Is his plan to stop fasting once he reaches his target but carry on exercising for 3-4 hours per day so that he can gorge himself on junk food? If so he has an eating disorder and needs to work on that.

4 hours in the gym each day on top of a full time job isn’t healthy. Has he ever heard of rest days? He’s either not doing very effective workouts or he is not giving himself time to recover, which means his regime is also ineffective.

It sounds unhealthy and obsessional to me. Plus it’s a bit selfish of him. Although in your shoes I would be delighted to have him sleep in a separate room, put him in one of the kids’ rooms. Don’t martyr yourself over this and don’t let your grown children dictate what you do in your house. It’s hard to think straight when you are sleep deprived and you might feel up to approaching things differently when properly rested.

Op you've had some awful comments. Someone gets obsessed about fitness, it isn't that shocking or unusual is it.

As the wife of someone who works unsocial hours and is occasionally up at 5 I sympathise. It will have been suggested no doubt but just use sleep buds the ones with background white noise so you won't hear him.

The novelty of the gym will wear off I'm sure.

My brother’s ex exercised so much she collapsed and had to go into hospital for tests. They said the problem was she was exercising so much she was burning much more calories than she ate (she was incredibly thin). His friend was hospitalised for two weeks as a teenager for the same thing, he collapsed in public.

Extreme exercise where you burn much more than you eat is a form of anorexia - it’s a mental health issue. What you said about previous extreme eating habits would fall into this as well. Personally I think you should convince him to sign up with a proper nutritionist/personal trainer and do it in a more sustainable way.

He needs to get some proper advice on exercise and fitness, as working out this often, every day actually isn't beneficial at all - it is obsessive, it isn't healthy and long term it isn't going to result in sustainable fitness and if he carries on... a sustainable relationship.

Bodies need downtime to relax, rest and repair - he isn't giving himself that in any way, and he will burn out, hurt himself etc.

Unfortunately the internet is rife with duff information from other workout/fitness addicts who literally have no life outside of building their bodies.

He really needs to address the underlying issue - his insecurity at work, because I can absolutely see him getting fitter and fitter,a nd more and more burnt out, and not actually feeling any less insecure... but also losing his relationship with you and feeling shittier as a result!

OP, I'm really sorry for the horrible comments, people can be so vile and thoughtless (see all forms of social media, I guess...)

I'm a former athlete (retired) but still work in the field of coaching and personal training. I have never, in all my competitive career, spent four hours in the gym though I do appreciate you say that includes the travel time.

One thing I would suggest talking to him about, that might have some impact on a practical level, is that doing the same form of training like this over and over (eg two uphill hours a day) is counter productive. The body usually needs variety and different forms of movement or it simply becomes very efficient at the one thing you are doing. Which, if his goal is weight loss, is not going to help. I mean even just in practical time-saving terms, he'd probably burn more energy doing a 20 minute run, or hard intervals on a stationery bike occasionally, rather than the same uphill walk over and over again. But if he doesn't fuel properly, that won't be good for him either.

It sounds to me (proviso; i know you cannot diagnose a stranger over the internet so of course this is just opinion) like he's possibly suffering from orthorexia as well as exercise addiction. Someone above said that replacing alcohol for exercise is at least a healthy form of addiction - well, certainly its less likely to lead to catastrophic health issues than alcoholism, but it still can be dangerous and lead to significant problems. Given what you say about eating only something and beans for a year, it's clear he has 'issues' with food. Eating disorders are horribly difficult to talk about even if they are acknowledged, let alone if there is denial. Perhaps worth a look at https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ (for you)

As for sleep - I'm sorry for you too. Lack of sleep is awful. Not only bad for your health (mental and physical) but also makes it so hard to cope with, well, pretty much anything.

Could you in the short term use one of your teens bedrooms just so you make sure you have a few really good nights sleep. Don't have to move in, don't have to make it a long term thing. Just so you feel better in the next few days.

I'm sorry if this has already been suggested but if he's spending an hour walking, could you not do that together? Or could he walk to work instead?

I think I'd be quite concerned all round by how rigid and excessive this is. Great that he wants to get into shape but this is extreme.

It doesn't sound a very healthy way to get healthy and I'd be wanting to talk about it.

Yes agree.It’s such a difficult situation isn’t it
Of course going to the gym is a good thing, it just seems to be taking over their life’s.Really hope they can work through this together.If he is struggling with mental health, hope he can get some professional support.

Hi, @RubyRedEye
Just a couple of thoughts.
You mentioned "He has started to turn the garage into a gym already, but equipment is expensive. So it’s slow progress."
Keep an eye on Gumtree for reasonable or even free home gym equipment. Often people are in a hurry to part with quality gems in order to repurpose their home gym into nursery/study/extra bedroom, or simply because it's gathering more dust than the use it once was in the keen early days.
(I've aquired several virtually new professional level items of kit to assist my relative's physio that way.... so worth keeping an eagle eye on the specific sub-categories as well as 'freebies'.)

And in the meantime "I’d be happy for him to continue his evening gym trips, I might even go with him."
As it's his morning sessions that are really taking their toll on you, and you can't get back to (restful) sleep once woken then anyway.... Is there any way you could make it work for you to join him on the MORNING sessions instead?
I appreciate that could be a shck to the system initially, but once you get into the routine you might find it actually invigorates your working day rather than being sleep deprived as you are currently. If he then still wishes to do the evening session, too, you would then have that time to unwind/chill/rest/do anything suits you best?
I can't help thinking this early rise & evening chill may be better on your body+mind; avoid you sleeping apart; and give you that extra shared pursuit/time together.

Hoping you both can get back into synch.
Wishing you the best.

Coming to the thread a bit late so not sure if you’ll see this. If there’s a specific event then yea, suck it up until then and review after. Tell him this is what you’re doing ie I don’t like sleeping separately and our relationship will be impacted by 4hrs of gym every day long term, but I understand and support your immediate concerns.

After the event I’d consider hiring a personal trainer for a good long term plan to get fit and stay that way. I’d be very surprised if a pt suggests 4 hours every single day in the gym and a very restricted diet. Most that I’ve come across are much more balanced than that and would likely insist on more regular rest days.

It’s also fine for you to just say that regular 430am gym is not okay with you. It’s okay to have opinions about your partners life and its impact on you. It’s okay for sharing a bed to be important to you and to want him to prioritise time with you, it’s okay to express that so much gym makes you feel less valued. It’s also okay that he has goals of his own which don’t completely align with your preferences. No one is really unreasonable, you just have to find the balance that works. Talk about exactly what he wants to achieve over what time frame, maybe continuing with the extreme gym habit for a while in order to reach some target weight / strength / whatever, and then reducing to evenings only, would be a good compromise.

For what it’s worth, I am also a light sleeper and find it harder to sleep alone, and I think a lot of it is caused by my own anxiety and insecurity. For example, if he’s up late doing something I instinctively “approve of” I have an easier time falling asleep alone than if it’s something that irritates my own issues. You’re probably feeling rejected by his spending so much time in the gym and that’s making the morning wakings worse for you. Then the proposed solution of sleeping on the sofa doesn’t address the real issue (and cause of lost sleep), which is you feeling undervalued, actually it makes that worse. It sounds like you have a generally strong relationship so maybe you can talk about needing to feel valued rather than directly about being woken up, and together you can find ways for him to reassure you.

Oh OP I really feel for you:

My husband gets up at 445 am every day to exercise/swim. I'm not a great sleeper and it used to really disrupt me. He now has his alarm on his Apple Watch on vibrate and I wear ear plugs. Still I do get woken by him sometimes. I have to get up at 530 so there's no chance of going back to sleep!

I applaud him keeping fit though and we both exercise 4 times a week, I will just never be the person doing it at dawn's crack.

Where we differ is that I will do anything for a good night's sleep and would gladly sleep in another room, especially if your kids are away and they will never know and there's a lovely comfy bed in there!

Prioritize your sleep for now, deal with a longer stretch of husband exercise if it actually manifests.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time on this thread. I would suggest, with kindness, working on being able to spend more time alone/apart from your partner.

Yes, that sounds like a good plan.Take care, wishing you both well.

Ignore the posters who are being ridiculous OP and leaping to conclusions.

I have sympathy as I am a light sleeper and often struggle to fall back to sleep after waking. However I know this is worse when I’m stressed (I’ll wake up thinking about work for example which indicates work stress). When I’m in a good place mentally I can fall back to sleep again. Could this apply to you? Is there emotional turmoil about the new routine, that you could process / come to terms with, and that would allow you to fall back to sleep? Alternatively is there a way for him to be quieter at night? Leaving lights off, clothes downstairs and creeping quietly out of bed?

Regarding the protein shakes there was a Zoe podcast about that recently you could share

Just spoken to a friend’s DH who is PT to professional athletes - won’t say which sport.
He says:

1. anyone doing intensive training is a professional and is usually prepping for an event. They will be doing so supervised and every part of their body is known and assessed. They will be provided with food to match the training. This is at the highest level where there are also pro physios, doctors, surgeons, psychologists.
2. an ordinary fitness fantastic should not be doing 4 hours a day in a gym, especially with no supervision. The body will start to eat into its own muscle. You may drop some weight in the short term but your health is being compromised. Also puts untold strain on joints, heart health and body’s natural movements and sleep quality.
3. for this reason he doesn’t like home gyms either where people just buy random equipment. Far better at least to be in a professional environment, a PT would be ideal even just in the short term to concentrate on a far more effective programme. He also said that a healthy diet is the key component. While exercise is useful, a balanced diet is the most important component.
4. he has encountered this behaviour here and there and it becomes a mental compulsion. It damages the individual and their relationships. (I did not mention Mumsnet or this thread by the way! I just said it was a piece I had seen on daytime TV and asked for his views!)

DH and I have to sleep apart at the moment for his health. We miss each others skin. I am restless and he has a catheter. We both have trouble sleeping apart so I sympathise with you. I’m not being frivolous when I say take him to a very good tailor if you can afford a serious amount ( think a Lord Alli type of gift) it will boost his confidence at work. And show him those very sensible posts from coaches.

Are there personal trainers at the gym? Maybe encourage him to see one? They will soon tell him that his current schedule is not very efficient. Perhaps hearing it from someone else will encourage him to reign it in a bit?

That’s really good advice, so helpful for OP.

I have done exercise all my life and have competed for England in my given sport. You do not need to spend 4 hours at the gym to keep fit or compete at a high level, unless your an olympic athlete. Sounds like he needs to work smarter, harder and faster! He could start with running half an hour up hill instead of walking for 1. Also resistance training and planks are the way forward for core strength, this could be done at home. I think 4 hours 6 times a week is too much, you need to give your body chance to rest.

From what you have said it is the latter and an obsession and a mental health concern particularly given his past behaviour

If they're at uni use their bed

I wouldn't be too worried as he'll do himself an injury with that amount of gym and won't be able to go at all. Seriously, he sounds pretty unreasonable as this addiction to the gym and weird diet are worrying.
I only sleep well when my DH isn't there as he moves around a lot and snores but understand not everyone is the same.
I think you need to sit him down and make him understand the effect his behaviour is having on you as it's really not fair.

There is something about MN, and AIBU in particular, that seems to bring out the worst in people when they're typing on their keyboards.

I've never met people so rude in real life, some of the things I read on here (including on your thread) have me shaking my head at the screen.

I would hate to sleep apart from my OH so I feel for you, that his current obsession has a negative impact on you.