Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

He wouldn't miss you as much though! He's indicating he's happy to sleep separately every night and that includes the time when he's asleep, not when he's busy.

OP I think your husband is being obsessive and completely unreasonable. No one needs 4 hours of exercise a day unless an elite athlete. To put in context my husband has trained for triathlons and has previously qualified as good for age in Team GB for triathlons - he's very fit - and has never exercised anywhere near this much. He would rarely do more than an hour a day, longer at the weekend when increasing his cycle / running mileage but when not actively training for something he probably exercises 5 times a week for around an hour at a time. Coupled with some walking each day this is more than enough
Your husband also isn't fuelling properly. He can't do this amount of exercise on protein shakes and eggs, he needs to properly fuel even if he reduces his exercise

Would he agree to meet with a personal trainer who can sort him a proper exercise/meal plan? That might help him realise he's not approaching this right at all

And the evening gym sessions are obviously more important to him than time spent with you. You need to have a proper talk.

Genuine Question.

why are some posters so horrible?

’He wouldn’t miss you much though’
’He’s trying to get away from you’

You don’t know me. Unless you do and I’ve do something horrible to you that makes me deserve that? But I’m pretty sure I haven’t. Why the vitriol?

Does he have to go every day? If so maybe he uses the couch on weekdays and in bed in the weekends and when he comes home you get a lie in.

Did he know too much exercise can be bad for the heart?

My DH used to say he ‘couldn’t sleep’ if I wasn’t in the bed. So if I had a night out he would wait up because he saw no point in trying. Didn’t want me to stay overnight elsewhere because he couldn’t sleep. I found it suffocating and controlling. I would be careful about pushing this too hard. Not being able to get back to sleep is your issue, not his.

He sounds like he has got an extremely obsessive/addictive personality. Surely he must see that his behaviour isn't normal?

I can also get hyper-fixated on things and a bit obsessive, so I sort of see where he is coming from but he's taking this to the absolute extreme. Only beans and bananas for that length of time is quite frankly an eating disorder.

I can understand why you're worried and frustrated. In the immediate term I would compromise:

You get some ear plugs and an eye mask to try and sort your sleeping issues out

He gets up at 6am rather than 4.30 and does a 45 minute run or something quiet. I do yoga downstairs when DH is in bed but have my ear pods in and listen to the instructions on my phone so I don't disturb anyone.

This isn't sustainable for either of you. You are going to feel resentful and he is going to work himself into the ground. The sheer amount of UPF he is consuming in protein shakes would concern me for one thing! If he were really interested in his health he would know this is totally inefficient as a routine so it does suggest he doesn't know what he is doing.

Op, is he really at the gym?

He’s putting his gym obsession before your marriage. And it is an obsession to have to go twice a day. I’m sorry he’s treating you this way, you deserve better.

Yes, agree.

Hi OP,

These obsessions would be fine for a single man who lives on his own, but his lifestyle takes over your life! Why should his health obsessions - good or bad or debatable - control your life? Sleeping and eating are big ingredients of a shared life and he is neither sleeping or eating with you. The raw egg thing is making me heave, but each to his own. It does seem rather extreme though, as if there is a performative or competitive 'holier than thou' element.

The thing that disturbs me though, mainly, is your certainty that when he is 'in diet mode' you cannot have a reasonable conversation with him. This is not OK.

E.g. "if I try and say anything he will just ignore me or become very very defensive" - how do you feel when he does that OP? Does the phrase 'walking on eggshells' have any resonance? A caring partner does not do that stuff. Ignoring or stonewalling is nasty behaviour and being 'very very defensive' sounds like it is actually quite agressive or hostile. I am sure it affects how you approach him and I expect you watch what you say to an unusual degree in those circumstances. (And, by the way, sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture.) That hostile stance is quite unreasonable behaviour or even emotional abuse. You do not deserve to be treated with such disdain.You shouldn't be wracked by this, but you are.

What does it feel like to be a supposedly equal partner in a long marriage and to know he 'won't take a blind bit of notice of me'? You have been in this partnership a long time, maybe - what with the beans'nbananas routine and other oddities - you may have been sucked into thinking his behaviour is normal. See 'Boiled Frog' for reference. It might be normal for you, but it ain't OK.

p.s. Your DH can put a sheet on the sofa if he's sleeping on it for more than one night, or buy a sheet sleeping bag for the purpose.

There’s a certain kind of deeply unpleasant person that will lie in wait on AIBU until they see someone who’s having a hard time, then they’ll swoop in to give them a kicking when they’re down. It’s honestly such strange behaviour on a forum for adults- you’d expect it on a website aimed at teenagers, maybe. It’s best to ignore them. Sometimes I think this is the only social interaction they get, which is sobering.

You are a codependent sleeper and he has an addictive personality.

The only people I know who spend that long at the gym are personal trainers.

You need to learn to sleep on your own, and he needs to reign it in. I know people who are full on Gladiators style muscle obsessed gym goers and they don't go to the gym as much as that. I doubt it's sustainable forever (are you really just never going to go out for a meal together again because nowhere will serve raw eggs for example, or are you never going to go on holiday unless there's a 24/7 gym) so the problem will kind of solve itself.

Could you try sleeping with white noise? He gets vibrating wrist alarm, has his stuff ready downstairs so just gets up and out fo the room with less disruption?

Slightly odd that your use him as a sleep crutch. I guess you've never learnt to sleep alone as an adult. Never had any separate friends holidays? Or hens/ stags? Maybe the white noise could help and then you can develop independent sleep cues. It's nice that you enjoy sharing a bed but not healthy you be literally unable to sleep without him.

Wow.
He’s spending all his time away from his wife and children.So why is it then her fault?
If he is struggling with mental health, shutting out his immediate family, is only going to make matters worse, if he’s not communicating.

I've voted yabu as the bigger problem is that your husband is at the gym so much. Is that what you wanted from a marriage?

His children are spending all their time away from him and her.

There's clearly a lot more going on in this happy and solid 20-year-old marriage than was apparent in the first few posts from OP...

It sounds as if he is struggling with the pressure of the new job

I'm not sure his new regime is entirely healthy, can you talk to him about it?