To stop my ex seeing our dog due to the state he returned in

[QuickScroller]

I ended my 16-year relationship in June, and we now share custody of our dog, typically on a 3-4 day rotation.

This morning, a mutual friend told me that my ex left our dog alone overnight last night to go on a date, staying out from 7pm last night until 10:30am today. This friend shared this out of concern but asked me to keep it confidential and swore me to secrecy. Later that day, I got a text from my ex saying our dog had matted fur around his bum and asked if I could help fix it. When I got him back tonight, he was absolutely covered in his own faeces, which broke my heart. He also smelt terribly due to this. The idea that he was left alone for so long, without any company or bathroom breaks, really upsets me. I can’t believe he’s been left in this state.

This is completely out of character for my ex, who used to be so careful and attentive with him. In the three years we’ve had him, we’ve never left him alone for more than three hours. She wouldn’t even agree to having a dog walker; he goes to doggy daycare if we are ever out of the house for more than 3 hours.

I’m really torn about what to do next. I’m afraid for the next time he goes back, but my ex won’t give him up. Do I have any rights to keep him? Any advice would be appreciated.

Legally who's dog is it?

The vet is registered in my name but we bought him together

The law won't intervene if you keep the dog.

I would state that the dog can't be in the care of someone who creates condition that mean foeces get glued to their rear as that is indivisible of physical neglect and any toilet trained dog will be distressed by it, so it's emotionally abusive.

You won't allow it and that's that.
If the ex demands the dog, you say they lost the right to share the dog the day they neglected the dog so badly. Repeat repeat repeat.

Does your ex even want the dog? Doesnt sound like it so maybe raise the idea of the dog staying with you full time and maybe ex having it for the odd day here and there rather than a set schedule.

Who's on the dogs microchip as owner?
if it's you (same as vets). I'd never let him go back. The police won't do anything.

Who bought and registered the dog? Who is the owner on the microchip and who is the registered owner at the vets? Who pays the insurance?

If you bought the dog, make sure everything else is registered in your name and tell the ex no. There is no such thing as a right to custody of a dog.

If all those things are in exs name, call the RSPCA for neglect.

If your the registered name at the vets are you registered on the microchip if so then take your dog home and don't give ex a second thought

Hell would freeze over before he had access to my dog again. If he's registered in your name, tell him no further contact. You don't need to mention what your friend said (although personally I would), but due to the state he was in he cannot be trusted to care properly.

Legally dogs are viewed as property, sadly. But it would come down to being able to prove who paid for the dog I imagine. Any evidence you have of that and who pays insurance, vet bills, for food etc would help. But it sounds like your ex won't put up much of a fight if they're willing to allow your poor dog to be left in such a state. Very very sad, I hope you've had lots of cuddles since your pup has been home x

This

Is there any paperwork around the sale?
Who's name is on the microchip?

Also this

He was bang out of order in this case. YANBU at all. However to never leave a dog for more than 3 hours is unattainable for most people, myself included.

*she 🤣

@HoHoHoliday The ex is not a man.

It's your dog.

How did it get so matted after one night?? I'd tell them no more dog sitting but thanks for the favours they've done in the past and now s/he's free to have his/her dates and doesn't have to worry about the dog.

I wouldn't be handing the dog back over.

How did he even get in that state? was he shut in a crate or something so literally had no choice but to sit in his own mess?

Let the ex take you to court for access?

@ahemfem The ex is not a man.

Typical MN judgement. The neglectful ex partner has the pronoun She.

@Fizzadora @FoxtrotOscarKindaDay
You actually commented just to say this? So helpful...

Apologies to the OP. Please substitute he for she in my comment.

My point remains, there is not a chance in hell someone, a male or female, would have access to my dog after returning them with matted fur, covered in their own faeces, having been left alone overnight.

Have you got video/photographic evidence of the state DDog was in when you got him back - ideally, I'd have that backed up by an assessment by a vet or groomer, who could write a statement making it clear Ddog did not get in that state accidentally nor in a matter of a couple of hours.

You'd need proof that you're the main owner - ie, vet registration in your name, insurance in your name, microchip (which doesn't in and of itself prove ownership unfortunately but it all adds up) in your name, proof you provide the majority of the food, pay for most of the vet bills etc etc.

This is what a court would look at. Without such evidence, IF she went to court over it (and people have), the court may well agree she is a joint owner and insist the shared ownership continue, or could find that she is the main owner and insist she keeps the dog.

However... if you HAVE the dog, and you have proof that she mistreated the dog, it is highly unlikely the police could force you to hand the dog over and she would have to go to court which wouldn't be cheap for her...

So yeah I would keep the dog, tell her you have evidence of mistreatment and tell her joint custody is over, and see if she bothers.

Just keep the dog with you from now on. There's nothing she can do about it, and I doubt she's that bothered judging by how she treated the poor thing.

I asked her about a month ago if she still wanted him as she was making less effort to see him & she said she was disgusted in me for even suggesting she didn’t

I completely understand this - I have had dogs previously that I left for longer. This was just the way it worked for us, with me working from home & her shift patterns. He is absolutely fine when he’s home alone as I have a camera but I was just trying to stress it was always her during our marriage who refused to leave him for longer (which makes it even more odd how she’s changed)