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Original poster

To stop my ex seeing our dog due to the state he returned in

113 replies

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:03

I ended my 16-year relationship in June, and we now share custody of our dog, typically on a 3-4 day rotation.

This morning, a mutual friend told me that my ex left our dog alone overnight last night to go on a date, staying out from 7pm last night until 10:30am today. This friend shared this out of concern but asked me to keep it confidential and swore me to secrecy. Later that day, I got a text from my ex saying our dog had matted fur around his bum and asked if I could help fix it. When I got him back tonight, he was absolutely covered in his own faeces, which broke my heart. He also smelt terribly due to this. The idea that he was left alone for so long, without any company or bathroom breaks, really upsets me. I can’t believe he’s been left in this state.

This is completely out of character for my ex, who used to be so careful and attentive with him. In the three years we’ve had him, we’ve never left him alone for more than three hours. She wouldn’t even agree to having a dog walker; he goes to doggy daycare if we are ever out of the house for more than 3 hours.

I’m really torn about what to do next. I’m afraid for the next time he goes back, but my ex won’t give him up. Do I have any rights to keep him? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2024 20:23

Just make excuses next time

She's a fucking arsehole. I love my dogs, just can't imagine it Sad

Original poster
QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:24

Littletreefrog · 08/10/2024 20:07

Does your ex even want the dog? Doesnt sound like it so maybe raise the idea of the dog staying with you full time and maybe ex having it for the odd day here and there rather than a set schedule.

I asked her this a month ago & she went crazy at me for even suggesting it. I asked because she didn’t seem to be making as much effort to see him

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:24

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 08/10/2024 20:07

Who's on the dogs microchip as owner?
if it's you (same as vets). I'd never let him go back. The police won't do anything.

Yes - I’ve just checked. I’m the owner on the microchip

OP posts:
ahemfem · 08/10/2024 20:25

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 08/10/2024 20:12

@ahemfem The ex is not a man.

Typical MN judgement. The neglectful ex partner has the pronoun She.

I realised that so changed it. I read all the hims and his' but realised that was the dog

Lemonadeand · 08/10/2024 20:26

It’s going to look like you’re punishing her for dating someone else because of the timing, unfortunately. When in reality I think the ex has become distracted from the dog because they’re swept up in the new relationship. Did you take photos of the state of the dog?

Original poster
QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:26

heavytohold · 08/10/2024 20:08

Legally dogs are viewed as property, sadly. But it would come down to being able to prove who paid for the dog I imagine. Any evidence you have of that and who pays insurance, vet bills, for food etc would help. But it sounds like your ex won't put up much of a fight if they're willing to allow your poor dog to be left in such a state. Very very sad, I hope you've had lots of cuddles since your pup has been home x

Thank you. We have had lots of cuddles - I feel like he’s being extra clingy but not sure if I’m imagining it because I’m sad about it!

I have always paid vet bills & insurance but she transfers half for his insurance monthly

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:28

Lemonadeand · 08/10/2024 20:26

It’s going to look like you’re punishing her for dating someone else because of the timing, unfortunately. When in reality I think the ex has become distracted from the dog because they’re swept up in the new relationship. Did you take photos of the state of the dog?

I did think this but she would have no idea I knew about her being on the overnight date last night. Plus it was me who ended the relationship. She even suggested we start divorce proceedings last week. I do completely agree she has become distracted due to dating again as she has completely changed her priorities with him.

I didn’t take any photos unfortunately. As soon as I got him out of her car, all I could smell was faeces so I just got him straight in the bath

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 08/10/2024 20:28

Have you sorted the divorce settlement? Is DDog part of it?

If dog isn't then stop communicating other than through whatever legal methods you are divorcing through. All the shunting around especially if being neglected, isn't good for the dog.

godmum56 · 08/10/2024 20:29

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:24

Yes - I’ve just checked. I’m the owner on the microchip

Show quote history

then keep the dog.

Original poster
QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:32

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 08/10/2024 20:28

Have you sorted the divorce settlement? Is DDog part of it?

If dog isn't then stop communicating other than through whatever legal methods you are divorcing through. All the shunting around especially if being neglected, isn't good for the dog.

There is no divorce settlement - it’s going to be straight forward. We were together 16 years but only married for 2. We were in the process of buying a house but I pulled out straight away. We just closed the joint account and split our savings 50/50.

OP posts:
NamelessNancy · 08/10/2024 20:32

Im afraid microchip registration is not proof of ownership. Similarly to car registration it's the "keeper" rather than the owner who is registered . Often one and the same but definitely not proof of ownership. A purchase receipt would be.

Pallisers · 08/10/2024 20:33

HoHoHoliday · 08/10/2024 20:08

Hell would freeze over before he had access to my dog again. If he's registered in your name, tell him no further contact. You don't need to mention what your friend said (although personally I would), but due to the state he was in he cannot be trusted to care properly.

this.

NamelessNancy · 08/10/2024 20:35

From the blue cross at www.bluecross.org.uk/advice/pets/wellbeing-and-care/microchipping-your-dog-or-cat

"Is my pet’s microchip proof of ownership?

No, a microchip alone is not proof of legal ownership. Under the Microchipping of Dogs (England) Regulations legislation, the person who cares for the dog and keeps them in their home is called a ‘keeper’, not an ‘owner’. The Microchipping of Cats and Dogs (England) Regulations 2023 states that a ‘keeper’ is “the person with whom the animal [cat or dog] normally resides.” This person has legal responsibility for their pet, but it does not prove legal ownership.

This means that your dog’s microchip must be registered to the ‘keeper’, who may not always be the owner.

To prove ownership, you may also be asked to provide other evidence including proof of purchase, veterinary records and insurance."

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2024 20:35

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:24

Yes - I’ve just checked. I’m the owner on the microchip

Show quote history

You are probably pretty safe in not letting the ex see him then

MissUltraViolet · 08/10/2024 20:37

Have you asked her exactly what happened in the last couple of days for him to be returned in that state? It's the first thing I would do.

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/10/2024 21:42

I would be willing to bet that the reaction to 'do you really want to keep DDog' is actually down to her feeling guilty she hasn't got the time, is finding him a bind etc etc and does not want to admit that to herself or you.

Keep him, see if she actually puts up a fight for him. I suspect she may not!

Harvestfestivalknickers · 08/10/2024 21:51

I would tell her the dog seems traumatised and is behaving very differently since coming back. Ask her outright if something happened while the dog was in her care and say that you can't understand how the dog has got faeces matted into it's fur. Push for an explanation.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 08/10/2024 22:02

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:32

There is no divorce settlement - it’s going to be straight forward. We were together 16 years but only married for 2. We were in the process of buying a house but I pulled out straight away. We just closed the joint account and split our savings 50/50.

Show quote history

Stop taking any money for insurance. Block contact as everything is settled and get divorced.

Don't let her see the dog.

WomenInConstruction · 08/10/2024 22:05

You seem scared of her.
If I knew someone who let a dog get into that condition it'd be a cold day in hell before I ever let them care for it again no matter what stink they kicked up.
If she doesn't like it (your reaction) - tough shit... she's putting her own wishes ahead of the dogs welfare... So her wishes become irrelevant and I'd be telling her that.
So what if she was offended you suggested her interest in the dog might be waning.
Actions speak louder than words and she's shown you what she's standards she's willing to drop to if it means having her own way despite her responsibilities.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 08/10/2024 22:07

Send her a sealed box of soil.. . Tell her ddog died and here are the ashes.. Make out it's OK you paid the whole bill.. What a fucking bitch...

HermoniePotter · 08/10/2024 22:14

She wouldn’t be near the dog again and I’d be blocking her on everything. She’s clearly not a fit person to care for a dog. Let her take you to court (which I doubt she will).

cuddlebear · 08/10/2024 22:21

No way would she ever be allowed to have my dog again.

Just tell her it’s not happening. Don’t get into a discussion.

Anotherparkingthread · 08/10/2024 22:22

The people saying call the RSPCA etc are hyperbolic. It's a dog not a child. Many dogs live in kennels on farms or in yards and are left alone for 12+hours. Many dogs in rescue centres are left alone overnight. It's neither illegal nor is it necessarily cruel.

A dog laying in its own shit can happen within 10 minutes circumstances permitting and often happens when crate training puppies. Though given in this situation it was because the owner was being an inconsiderate bitch.

You need to talk to her. If it's a one off it could have been a mistake. Explain that you know the dog was left alone overnight and you know why he ended up in that state. Say you don't have issue with her seeing somebody else but either they need to go to her house so she can care for the dog properly or she needs to only go to theirs on her dog free nights when she isn't responsible for an animals welfare.

Fastback · 08/10/2024 22:34

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 20:24

Yes - I’ve just checked. I’m the owner on the microchip

Show quote history

Then there’s fuck all she can do about it. That dog is yours and she is not providing a good enough place for him to go. Also, it’s confusing for him. Keep him with you. Just block her. She’ll get over it, it sounds like she doesn’t really care.

Her rage at your suggestion was her shame coming out, by the way.

Waiting9 · 08/10/2024 22:38

There is a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, the dog is property in the eyes of the law. So “we now share custody of our dog” is a ridiculous arrangement. It’s your dog, you keep your dog with you. Ultimately dogs aren’t people or children. It’s tough for the other party but ultimately this strange and seemingly rigid set up isn’t working…resulting in the dog not being cared for appropriately. The fact she couldn’t wash the dog herself and had to call you to sort it, suggests she is struggling. Matted fur and poo is unpleasant but surely she should know how to groom him.

Secondly why did you mention her date and the mutual friend? You obviously think it’s relevant somehow - it makes it seem like you’re taking an extra dim view because she is moving on. In my opinion it doesn’t matter what she was doing or that the mutual friend “swore you to secrecy”. It’s extra drama added to your post that doesn’t need to be there imo. Don’t let emotion about her new relationship colour your actions here, don’t let her accuse you of punishing her because she had a date. Be level headed.

I don’t think this one-off day is pet abuse, leaving a dog at home overnight unattended isn’t ideal but no authorities would get involved here. I don’t think you need to push this point. You legally can simply leave it at the arrangement isn’t working anymore and your dog will remain with you.

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