Page 3 | To stop my ex seeing our dog due to the state he returned in

QuickScroller · 2024-10-08T19:03:07+00:00

I ended my 16-year relationship in June, and we now share custody of our dog, typically on a 3-4 day rotation. This morning, a mutual friend told me that my ex left our dog alone overnight last night to go on a date, staying out from 7pm last night until 10:30am today. This friend shared this out of concern but asked me to keep it confidential and swore me to secrecy. Later that day, I got a text from my ex saying our dog had matted fur around his bum and asked if I could help fix it. When I got him back tonight, he was absolutely covered in his own faeces, which broke my heart. He also smelt terribly due to this. The idea that he was left alone for so long, without any company or bathroom breaks, really upsets me. I can’t believe he’s been left in this state. This is completely out of character for my ex, who used to be so careful and attentive with him. In the three years we’ve had him, we’ve never left him alone for more than three hours. She wouldn’t even agree to having a dog walker; he goes to doggy daycare if we are ever out of the house for more than 3 hours. I’m really torn about what to do next. I’m afraid for the next time he goes back, but my ex won’t give him up. Do I have any rights to keep him? Any advice would be appreciated.

NamelessNancy · 08/10/2024 22:39

Fastback · 08/10/2024 22:34

Then there’s fuck all she can do about it. That dog is yours and she is not providing a good enough place for him to go. Also, it’s confusing for him. Keep him with you. Just block her. She’ll get over it, it sounds like she doesn’t really care.

Her rage at your suggestion was her shame coming out, by the way.

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Nope. Microchip registration definitely not proof of ownership.

ETA: agree it sounds like the dog is best staying with op of course. The idea that chip registration is proof of ownership is absolutely not true though.

itsmylife7 · 08/10/2024 22:41

MissUltraViolet · 08/10/2024 20:37

Have you asked her exactly what happened in the last couple of days for him to be returned in that state? It's the first thing I would do.

yes, exactly what did you say

BobbyBiscuits · 08/10/2024 22:45

How do you know he was on a date when he left the dog? I'm not sure if that plays a part in your annoyance. I'd be a bit annoyed about that tbh.
He returned you the dog converted in feces? Whatever the circumstances, that is grim. Whatever happened why on earth didn't he wash the poor creature?
Does he contribute half to vets bills?
Honestly I'd say just refuse him the dog and use a professional dog sitter.
It's legally owned by you and he can't even clean it when there's an accident. And presumably doesn't mind it defecating all over his home?
He doesn't deserve a dog.

DeliciousApples · 08/10/2024 22:48

Harvestfestivalknickers · 08/10/2024 21:51

I would tell her the dog seems traumatised and is behaving very differently since coming back. Ask her outright if something happened while the dog was in her care and say that you can't understand how the dog has got faeces matted into it's fur. Push for an explanation.

This.

Followed by I don't understand why you didn't cheat Fido up. You left him covered in his own poo. Since you clearly don't care about him or don't have time to spend caring for him I think it would be better if I look after him until such times as you do have time.

And just don't give the dog to her again.

weirdstoriesdontaddup · 08/10/2024 22:56

Does the dog not feel mixed up anyway, being passed back and forth between two separate homes to satisfy the desire of grown adults?

Just keep the dog. It’s not like he’s going to blame you for the divorce and fail his GCSE’s from stress. He won’t be having a wedding the two of you need to attend and keep the peace for. Bin this shit off.

Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:10

I messaged about the state he was brought back in & got this back. He never ever cries when he’s with me & doesn’t seem distressed but he does get a lot of love & attention here. He is clearly not happy there.

No, he’s never had an accident here. He wasn’t covered in shit.. He wouldn’t let me get it out, he was just crying and running away - that’s why I said to you it needs cutting out to not hurt him.
He just sits there and cries at me. I take him out in case he needs the toilet, I give him treats, play with him to see what he wants etc and it’ll distract him for a little bit and then he just goes back to crying at me. I think all of this is really unsettling for him. He’s used to us all being together and that’s what he loved. It’s a big change for him, it’s going to take time for him to adjust.

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Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:10

ahemfem · 08/10/2024 20:11

It's your dog.

How did it get so matted after one night?? I'd tell them no more dog sitting but thanks for the favours they've done in the past and now s/he's free to have his/her dates and doesn't have to worry about the dog.

Edited

Not sure but he’s been with her since Friday.

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Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:11

MissUltraViolet · 08/10/2024 20:11

I wouldn't be handing the dog back over.

How did he even get in that state? was he shut in a crate or something so literally had no choice but to sit in his own mess?

I really don’t think so - he’s always had free roam of our home so I think it’s unlikely she will keep him in a crate at her new place but nothing is surprising me anymore

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RickiRaccoon · 08/10/2024 23:13

Not ideal to leave a dog overnight. They get very anxious. If she couldn't sort the dog's bum out herself, she probably shouldn't be in charge alone on a regular basis. I imagine she can't manage nails etc either.

It's silly to try and share custody of a dog. You could keep the dog -- the police aren't going to care. I'd try and just gently phase out her ownership. She's probably questioning her own ownership too after this. Next time drop him off but make a point of saying you've trimmed his fur etc and, if she needs any help at all, to call you straight away because you're happy to have him anytime. Then at some point introduce the idea that maybe the dog's not happy with the arrangement and it might be better to stay with you full-time as you have more ability to care for him.

Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:14

MissUltraViolet · 08/10/2024 20:37

Have you asked her exactly what happened in the last couple of days for him to be returned in that state? It's the first thing I would do.

Yes and she said that is how he arrived - totally untrue as he absolutely stank. He also had a bath with me & had been to the groomers a few days before. Even so, he categorically did not but I said if that’s how he arrived why on earth leave him in this state? She said she didn’t own scissors to cut it out 😑

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Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:15

Harvestfestivalknickers · 08/10/2024 21:51

I would tell her the dog seems traumatised and is behaving very differently since coming back. Ask her outright if something happened while the dog was in her care and say that you can't understand how the dog has got faeces matted into it's fur. Push for an explanation.

I’ve done exactly that - posted her response above

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Waiting9 · 08/10/2024 23:15

I don’t think your latest message changes anything. You know now that dogs are considered property by law, and that the current set up is not feasible. Legally whoever paid for the dog is the owner unless it was gifted.

Ultimately who is this arrangement working for? You’re concerned. She’s concerned. The dog doesn’t seem like himself. It would make the dog and one of the parties happy for this arrangement to cease. The other party might not be happy but ultimately their feelings aren’t really relevant. If you think you have a fight on your hands then seek legal advice

Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:19

Waiting9 · 08/10/2024 22:38

There is a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, the dog is property in the eyes of the law. So “we now share custody of our dog” is a ridiculous arrangement. It’s your dog, you keep your dog with you. Ultimately dogs aren’t people or children. It’s tough for the other party but ultimately this strange and seemingly rigid set up isn’t working…resulting in the dog not being cared for appropriately. The fact she couldn’t wash the dog herself and had to call you to sort it, suggests she is struggling. Matted fur and poo is unpleasant but surely she should know how to groom him.

Secondly why did you mention her date and the mutual friend? You obviously think it’s relevant somehow - it makes it seem like you’re taking an extra dim view because she is moving on. In my opinion it doesn’t matter what she was doing or that the mutual friend “swore you to secrecy”. It’s extra drama added to your post that doesn’t need to be there imo. Don’t let emotion about her new relationship colour your actions here, don’t let her accuse you of punishing her because she had a date. Be level headed.

I don’t think this one-off day is pet abuse, leaving a dog at home overnight unattended isn’t ideal but no authorities would get involved here. I don’t think you need to push this point. You legally can simply leave it at the arrangement isn’t working anymore and your dog will remain with you.

thanks for your advice.
I mentioned the date and moving on because I was explaining how he was left for a large number of hours - something she had always been against. I pushed for the marital breakup because I wasn’t happy - I want her to move on as I do still feel guilt for walking away from the marriage.

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Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:22

BobbyBiscuits · 08/10/2024 22:45

How do you know he was on a date when he left the dog? I'm not sure if that plays a part in your annoyance. I'd be a bit annoyed about that tbh.
He returned you the dog converted in feces? Whatever the circumstances, that is grim. Whatever happened why on earth didn't he wash the poor creature?
Does he contribute half to vets bills?
Honestly I'd say just refuse him the dog and use a professional dog sitter.
It's legally owned by you and he can't even clean it when there's an accident. And presumably doesn't mind it defecating all over his home?
He doesn't deserve a dog.

Because she told our mutual friend who told me that our dog had been alone overnight. What has bothered me is I was sat at home last night and would have been more than happy to have him if she said he was away. This is only his 3rd time staying at her new place and I would have been fine with having him with me if she wanted to go out over night.

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Original poster

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:23

weirdstoriesdontaddup · 08/10/2024 22:56

Does the dog not feel mixed up anyway, being passed back and forth between two separate homes to satisfy the desire of grown adults?

Just keep the dog. It’s not like he’s going to blame you for the divorce and fail his GCSE’s from stress. He won’t be having a wedding the two of you need to attend and keep the peace for. Bin this shit off.

I have heard that it is possible to co-own a dog and so we decided this was best at the time but obviously realising now this is not going to work out

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Waiting9 · 08/10/2024 23:35

Co-owning a dog was a short term fix to a long term problem. If the dog became unwell in future, it won’t be good for him to be shifted about every 3-4 days to each house. Dogs in old age can have problems with their joints etc. Plus if either of you get remarried or have kids, “dog custody” will be a hindrance and come 2nd to the rest of the household. There’s no longevity here. There’s likely an emotional bond to the dog but sometimes your rational head needs to take charge and make tough decisions to do what is best.

Toenailz · 08/10/2024 23:47

'Joint custody' of a dog is ultimately selfish and only done to satisfy the owners. Dog won't know where home is. Stop messing him around and let him settle.

This all being said, is the exes mental health OK? Seems odd behaviour considering you've said how exemplary her care of the dog has always been. Even if you'd sent the dog with shit glued to its arse, to her, she's then let the dog sit like that for days - it doesn't make any sense, does it? What planet is she currently on? You need to pull her up on this, properly, and as I say, I'd be wondering about her mental health. Piss poor excuses, especially considering the good care she previously provided.

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/10/2024 23:58

Sounds as if the dog is unsettled, at the very least, with her. Might just be because her home is unfamiliar? However, it's a good opportunity to suggest dog stays with you as he seems more calm and happy.

HoHoHoliday · 08/10/2024 23:58

QuickScroller · 08/10/2024 23:10

I messaged about the state he was brought back in & got this back. He never ever cries when he’s with me & doesn’t seem distressed but he does get a lot of love & attention here. He is clearly not happy there.

No, he’s never had an accident here. He wasn’t covered in shit.. He wouldn’t let me get it out, he was just crying and running away - that’s why I said to you it needs cutting out to not hurt him.
He just sits there and cries at me. I take him out in case he needs the toilet, I give him treats, play with him to see what he wants etc and it’ll distract him for a little bit and then he just goes back to crying at me. I think all of this is really unsettling for him. He’s used to us all being together and that’s what he loved. It’s a big change for him, it’s going to take time for him to adjust.

Seems more likely that he is crying because he is homesick and is missing you. He's running away from her when she goes near him - that says it all. Just keep him with you.

Pashmina67 · 09/10/2024 00:09

I would tell her there's no way that dog stays with her, as a niceness although you bought the dog together he is registered in your name. Possession is what matters here the share/contact didn't work. No more, if I trusted anyone inc family and they allowed him to get in that state, I'd cut them out my life.

Copperoliverbear · 09/10/2024 00:14

100% do not let him have the dog again ever
That is not on under circumstances
He would probably do it again too.
Poor dog, it's probably going to be terrified of the crate now too, probably thought he was never going to get out.
Your ex is an evil cunt and I'd report him to the rspca.

Copperoliverbear · 09/10/2024 00:17

Sorry just realised it's a woman you are talking about I still stick by what I said and would tell her to stick her insurance and please don't let her have the dog again, this has really upset me

BeMintBee · 09/10/2024 00:38

Just end the arrangement the dog doesn’t need 50/50 custody arrangements especially if the routine in one home is very different to the other. Poor thing is probably very stressed.

Gagaandgag · 09/10/2024 00:44

I get the idea that her priorities have changed.

After 16 years together she is exploring the world of dating again. Maybe she feels like a carefree teenager and suddenly responsibilities like your lovely dog don’t feature so heavily in her current mindset.

I think how she treated him leaving him on his own overnight is really cruel. I wouldn’t feel happy her having him.

Why don’t you suggest she has him
for shorter periods - that she can have him for the day and she brings him back for the evening etc.

I personally believe this is the beginning of her stepping back from him.

caringcarer · 09/10/2024 00:53

Just tell her the dog is going to live with you but she's welcome to come to take him for a walk when she wants too but it's too distressing for the dog to go to and fro all the time.