To stop my ex seeing our dog due to the state he returned in

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I ended my 16-year relationship in June, and we now share custody of our dog, typically on a 3-4 day rotation.

This morning, a mutual friend told me that my ex left our dog alone overnight last night to go on a date, staying out from 7pm last night until 10:30am today. This friend shared this out of concern but asked me to keep it confidential and swore me to secrecy. Later that day, I got a text from my ex saying our dog had matted fur around his bum and asked if I could help fix it. When I got him back tonight, he was absolutely covered in his own faeces, which broke my heart. He also smelt terribly due to this. The idea that he was left alone for so long, without any company or bathroom breaks, really upsets me. I can’t believe he’s been left in this state.

This is completely out of character for my ex, who used to be so careful and attentive with him. In the three years we’ve had him, we’ve never left him alone for more than three hours. She wouldn’t even agree to having a dog walker; he goes to doggy daycare if we are ever out of the house for more than 3 hours.

I’m really torn about what to do next. I’m afraid for the next time he goes back, but my ex won’t give him up. Do I have any rights to keep him? Any advice would be appreciated.

I have known some dogs split their time between two homes very happily - in fact I rehomed a foster greyhound to such a set up once and he was happy as a pig in shit in both homes, revelling in having FOUR humans to dote upon him and pander to his every whim rather than just two...

But it is unusual, and it does seem like in this case it isn't working and I think continuing to try (not that you want to anyway) is just causing further distress.

Just tell her she's not having the dog overnight again.

Tbh everything she has described tells me the dog doesn’t want to be with her.

Dogs can’t be split. They’re sentient beings but only have a limited understanding - unlike children who can understand why they’re being ‘shuffled.’ Dogs need a proper home or a proper ‘person’ - you can’t just uproot them every few days because one of you will miss him. Maybe own dog in a million can be - but they need weaning into it slowly - and yours clearly can’t.

Either commit to having the dog full time or both of you give it up and give it to a proper home where someone advocates for him.

This is the first proportionate response I have read on here.

Shared custody of a dog 😆 how ridiculous.

You own the dog, it's yours. Tell her to get in her bike.

dogs like routine. I’d ask her outright if the dog was left for a while without going outside and see what she says. If she says he wasn’t then i’d say that if that were to happen as she had plans, she can drop the dog back. She can’t make a commitment to share the dog then start leaving him for hours without him going out. That’s cruel. Actually even worse if she’s claiming the dog arrived like that, she left it in her home with poop all over it? You know that’s unlikely. She’s lying and the dog’s welfare is at risk now. I’d tell her that it’s clear to you that the dog was left longer than normal to get into that state and that’s unacceptable when you’re at home and could care for the dog. Probably better for the dog to live in one home.

who paid for the dog?

Her MH isn’t great to be honest. A couple of years ago, she was off work for a few months for depression and does have bouts of it

Both from joint account

Op, could you afford to take on the whole cost of the dog - including paying ex her half of his original cost, and his ongoing insurance and daycare?

If so, suggest you buy her out. As a dog owner, we don’t think of them as property but if she is neglecting the dog, you don’t want to prolong this.

I have seen it done before - week about- but not sure the dog benefits in any way from having this arrangement. They really like the security of the routine.

Why she's not caring for him isn't the issue really is it.
You can comb through it all until the cows come home, the angst, the motives, the mental health, the coping with change... Fundamentally dog shouldn't be in her care and the rest is just white noise.
Stand up for your dog, be as diplomatic as you like but stop hand wringing and tell her the arrangement isn't working.

She doesn't own a pair of scissors? I've genuinely never heard of anything so ridiculous.

Is the dog caged overnight?

Stop taking her money.
Keep the dog.

Report ex to the RSPCA for cruelty then don’t give the dog back to ex.

I would have to tell her I know for a fact she has left the dog overnight and so you are not prepared for him to go there again. I know your friend doesn’t want you to do that but my dog will always come first.

I think you should message back reiterating you're concerned by the state of the dog and you agree the situation isn't working/in the dog's best interests (however she worded it in her text) and for that reason you're going to be stopping it with immediate effect.

If she still has access to your shared home just be mindful she doesn't come and take him.when you're out.

Really, you need to message her back and say that how he arrived back with you was disgusting, you are keeping him, and if she wants to challenge that she can take you to court.

My hunch is she won't.

No way would I be continuing with this set-up. The dog clearly hates it - your ex tells you that he hates it with crying at her and not letting her get near him. And that's before we get into the fact that she clearly left him boxed up in a crate for hours on end - otherwise how did he get covered in faeces? A dog will do its faeces on the floor, if it has to, but any house-trained dog won't then go and sit in that faeces. Your ex is neglecting the dog and why she was out is irrelevant. She should have sorted out overnight care for the dog if she wasn't going to be there, but she didn't, she locked him in a small space where he had nowhere to toilet. That is disgusting abuse of an animal.

Please tell her that from now on you are keeping the dog. If she kicks up a fuss, pay her back the half she paid for the dog's purchase plus his insurance. If she wants a dog, she can get another one, but this one is yours and you are responsible for keeping him safe, so step up and do what you need to do.

Id reply that you know she is lying as it's obvious that she has left him to lie in his own shit for several hours. It's the only way he could have got in such a state.

The dogs welfare MUST come first. She can go fuck herself.

So the dog had had shit matted in it's fur & she just sent it back like that?

The ex is a woman!

She's neglected the dog, which is abuse. I wouldn't allow anyone to do this to my dog. I'd stop her from having him. It isn't fair on the dog. The dog and chip are both registered in your name. I wouldn't worry about legal reprocussions.

I’m surprised she didn’t simply give the dog a bath herself.
Not nice but not that hard either.

If the dog was matted, it is BOTH your responsibility though. It won’t have happened in 3 days, let alone one night.

Well yes!

That would be the usual thing to do!