Aggressive child and parents don’t seem to care

[Herewegoagain5]

I mind 3 children in my home part time, the three of them have been the sweetest kids, they are not related but I have been minding them for just over a year.

one has now become very aggressive, throwing toys at walls and the other kids, kicking them, hitting them.

he doesn’t listen when I tell him to stop, throws a tantrum if I remove him for the situation.

I have told his parents each time at collection and their response is oh that’s not nice but we do try to encourage gentle hands!!

it’s not working and they don’t believe in time out and asked me not to do it but he’s now becoming a danger to the other kids as he kicked one in the head yesterday as she lay on the ground playing with dolls

they are all 2

AIBU to say I can’t mind him anymore unless I can punish him (time out)

Will you easily be able to fill his space? If you can I would give notice and just say that the setting is no longer suitable.

I would take a more formal approach. I think a lot of parents sort of see these informal chats at the end of the day as no big deal and it's easy to not realise what is actually being said. So perhaps call them, or ask them to allocate some time when they collect him, to discuss his behaviour. Then explain what the problem is and what you are able/willing to do about it in your home. If they're not comfortable with that, then they can take him out.

No I am not new to childminding and have my own children too but iv never had a 2 year old, who is big for his age, throwing toys forcefully across the room at walls or other children or purposefully kicking another child in the head

Of course you would not be unreasonable to refuse to mind this child any more! Perhaps it might help his parents to recognise that his behaviour is a problem if they find themselves without childcare.

Over the last 2-3 months but it’s escalating. Hitting and slapping yes normal toddler things but he is getting rougher and more aggressive

A two year old can absolutely be a danger to other two year olds! I’m not talking breaking limbs, but absolutely they can cause big damage with a hard bite or a handful of hair. It’s all “fair enough for a two year old” until you have to face the hurt child’s parents.

2 year old DN was definitely a danger to DD. We had to watch him like a hawk and severely limit time with them because his parents didn't do anything when he kicked/hit her, jumped on her, threw things at her. They thought it was just a bit of normal "rough housing" and that because he didn't do it with malicious intent, it didn't count.

DS was always bigger and stronger than other children - I had to be careful to make sure he didn't hurt anyone when he was little, through sheer silliness.

All behaviour is communication. What's changed for the child in the last 2-3 months? What triggers have you spotted? You need to reflect on the triggers first and foremost and what you can do / put in place to support the child.

But punishing a 2yo? I find that quite horrifying actually! Especially from someone whom I've entrusted to care for my child. So I understand better, what would it look like, punishing them?

To be clear I'm not condoning aggressive behaviours, it's more the management of them, to help keep everyone safe which they all have a right too, including thr child in question.

It’s not fair on the other children OP. You risk their parents removing them. When a child is being violent to anyone then it’s perfectly reasonable for that child to be removed from the situation and allow the situation to deescalate. The whole gentle hands approach doesn’t work for some children and more firmness is required.

Your setting, your rules. I would avoid using the word "punishment" in relation to a 2yo though and wouldn't be happy if my child's carers used that word. Personally, I prefer to refer to consequences for certain behaviour. You're not punishing the behaviour as such but you're addressing it.

I would set out to the parents in detail how you intend to deal with the behaviour in - first warning, second warning, sitting out for a few minutes, being taken to a different room or corner to calm down etc. - and then tell them that either they agree to your consequences policy or you will be calling them to collect their child each time after the second verbal warning so that you can properly safeguard the other children.

Make it clear that there is no option for their child to continue to pose a risk to other children.

I agree

Ok punishment was the wrong choice of word

iv done counting to 5
the distraction with tantrums
talking to him about being friendly and gentle hands like the parents suggested

how I would like to do it is removing him from the situation, maybe sitting on a chair for a few mins but I’m open to suggestions.

with my own children iv done time out and it worked

I agree with the pp that you need to deal with this in a more formal way. A two year old is unlikely to respond to punishments so i would have thought the best approach is to figure out what is triggering him, take away opportunities to hurt others and give lots of attention for good behaviour. Time out should be a last resort for when its gone wrong. Meet with the parents and agree your approach. If Parents cannot agree then terminate.

This - get parents to agree a plan for him
and if they say no tell them to look for another child minder .

Oh dear. Where is your training in child development and behaviour? All behaviour is communication, so what is this behaviour communicating? Is it frustration? Is it anxiety? Is it dysregulation? Any signs of trauma? Any signs of possible SEND?

All 2yr olds learn from punishments and time outs is that you don't care how they feel, are not willing to help them learn better skills to get their needs met, and that your care will only be given conditionally if they please you. No 2yr old is naughty, they just don't have the skills - impulse control, cause and effect thinking, communication skills - to get their needs met sometimes.

You need to observe carefully, get in there quicker, support their play and communication, think about a time-in instead where you have the child alongside you to help them calm down and regulate until they are okay to play with the others again. This is a child in desperate need of support, they need to feel 'seen', and their behaviour will modify as they continue growing up and receive the right care, understanding, and modelling from the grown-ups around them.

Just tell them you can’t look after him any longer - they’ll care then. It’s not your issue to sort.

Not at all. You have a duty to the other children in your care, and if I was one of their parents, I would be removing them if they were routinely being put in danger by another badly behaved child whose parents don't give a monkeys about his aggression and poor discipline.

I have tried everything, time out is last resort.

the only thing that I’m aware of that has changed is that his mam is pregnant but she’s early on and not showing so I doubt he would notice

i have one on one time with each, group play, free play, activities, walks, trips to playground.

even in the buggy he is hitting the child beside him or pulling hair

I don’t agree with time outs so I’m with them on that. It’s a lazy ineffective approach and generally viewed as pretty old fashioned now. But I wouldn’t want this child injuring or scaring mine and I’d be taking them elsewhere so I’m with you that he needs to be in alternative provision and you’ve got to end their contract with you.

I completely disagree, a child is not like some stocks and shares that you sell on when they no longer meet your business needs. You have built a relationship with this child and you have a responsibility to do your best to sort it out. You haven’t even clearly expressed to the parents that there is a serious problem.