Aggressive child and parents don’t seem to care

[Herewegoagain5]

I mind 3 children in my home part time, the three of them have been the sweetest kids, they are not related but I have been minding them for just over a year.

one has now become very aggressive, throwing toys at walls and the other kids, kicking them, hitting them.

he doesn’t listen when I tell him to stop, throws a tantrum if I remove him for the situation.

I have told his parents each time at collection and their response is oh that’s not nice but we do try to encourage gentle hands!!

it’s not working and they don’t believe in time out and asked me not to do it but he’s now becoming a danger to the other kids as he kicked one in the head yesterday as she lay on the ground playing with dolls

they are all 2

AIBU to say I can’t mind him anymore unless I can punish him (time out)

I think whatever methods you have are your methods and parents can choose your setting or not.

OP has no responsibility to the child. If you’re a CM, you can terminate looking after a child any time you like.

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable to say you won’t mind him anymore, but I’m not a fan of time-outs in general and I think there are more effective behaviour strategies.

Then suggest some it's all very well everyone coming on here saying do something else (after she has said she has tried everything) but what exactly does "something else" mean

I would suspect that this is a very, very anxious child. I'd point you to reading Ross Greene's 'The Explosive Child' to reframe your thinking around his behaviour, and to see if you can book onto some of the online courses run by Childminding UK or Mine Conkbayir around child development and behaviour to build up your skills and insight. If he is anxious, or if this is an early indicator of possible SEND, then punishment is definitely not a suitable approach.

Could you ask for a visit from a Health Visitor or pop along with him to a Stay and Play at your nearest Children's Centre to ask some objective outsiders to look at his behaviour and offer support for you in managing this?

That said, a lot of these behaviours are very typical for 2yr olds. It's very fortunate that your other charges are mellow by comparison.

Discuss strategies to addrss the behaviour
What willparents accept? If they say you cannot remove him from room ever then suggest they find a one on one nanny

OP do you know any other childminders in rl?

Then you should be discussing issues like this as some of them will have dealt with the same issues.

If you don't then you need to build that circle.

@SophiaJ8 im not talking about legal responsibilities I am talking about moral responsibility. If you work with children you should be willing to put in effort during the tough times.

How is his speech? I think poor behaviour can often kick off around that age from frustration if their wants ands needs have developed beyond their ability to communicate them.

I think arrange a formal meeting with the parent.
Talk through scenarios that have happened (eg the kicking the other child in the head) and talk through what they think are appropriate/inappropriate responses from you. Then set out a timescale - you will try these approaches but if there is no improvement within X weeks you will no longer be able to mind him for the safety of the other children.

His speech is excellent. He can communicate what he wants, doesn’t want. What he wants to do and not do

im not wanting to let him go but for the safety of the other children I mind and my own children (he has also left a mark on her face from hitting her with a toy) I’m running out of ideas.

I have spoken to the parents and told them of the situations, especially the kicking in the head and the response I got was “oh no kiddo that’s no nice, remember it’s gentle feet”

when I spoke to them about the other things I have tried (counting, talking, distracting ect.) I’m asked to just remind him of gentle hands and gentle feet

as I said time out is my last resort and it’s not even time out. It’s him sitting on a chair for a few minutes. I talk to him about being nice and gentle before he sits down and again after and always give him a hug after and encourage them all to be nice to each other.

I do praise them all for good behaviour

He's two. They're all two. He has no concept of kind, gentle, or nice. You will have to teach this to them all: looking after pets/animals, sensory play, hand massage, movement games, etc. In the meantime, you're going to need to shadow him all the time to scaffold his play and communication so you can prevent difficulties from arising, and help him find better ways of communicating using his behaviour.

Redirect him to things he can hit and kick safely, and name the need e.g. 'Wow, it looks like you're feeling really cross and want to hit. Let's go whack some cushions until we feel better.'

In the meantime, teach them all ways to be assertive by using their words and hands to say stop, no, or to hold out their arms to keep someone away from them.

Look into Natural and Logical Consequences e.g. the natural consequence of hitting someone is that they are hurt and won't want to play with you. The logical consequence of hitting someone is that you will have to have time-in with me until you are calm. If parents are gentle parents then they should have no problem with this.

Kind/gentle hands is an abstract concept. 2yr olds are still at the very early stages of developing this kind of thinking. This is why time-out doesn't work, they cannot link the cause/effect or learn the lesson you think they will because they haven't got the thinking skills for this kind of reasoning yet.

I agree. Before long you could lose other children if the parents get fed up. It's amazing how sometimes inconvenience can sometimes wake parents up from denial that they're child is just spirited.

I'm not sure childmiinding is the right job for you?

Have you done any training in child development?

Have you minded any children with extra needs?

From me asking for advice on a child, how do you think I’m not right for childminding?

yes I am qualified

no I have never minded a child with extra needs but I have a sister with Down syndrome and a niece and nephew who are autistic.

If you want to. If you don’t want to, that’s fine, there’s no moral responsibility- that’s objective.

Other parents might might start removing their DC in any case. I would.

Two year olds can be horrid like this. Is this the first time you’ve come across it? It’s quite normal; unpleasant of course but normal.

No, I have my own children and have minded for years this is the first time iv had a child that is aggressive and getting worse and the parents don’t seem to care and I’m being restricted in how I can help/approach the situation

You can set your own behaviour policies and it’s up to parents if they use your setting based on this. I don’t think a naughty step is massively effective for this sort of stuff but it is up to you.

You're not being restricted. They've said no to Time Out, but there are lots of other strategies to try - I've suggested several, plus books, online courses, sources of local support, etc, that would give you more options. You're restricted only by your rigid thinking about this, and the difficulties you're having in reframing your perspective of the child: you seem to have only two ways of solving this in your mind, Time Out and/or Kick Them Out. Your training MUST have covered all behaviour is communication, surely?

Do you just want us to say Urgh, what a hideous child with feckless parents, kick them out so you can feel justified and not have to confront the fact that your toolkit of strategies is a bit empty? Or, do you want to try and build your skills, help this child, and have knowledge and ideas you can take forward in case you have other tricky 2yr olds in the future? This is normal 2yr old behaviour, you are very lucky that you've not come across this before.

Perhaps he would be better elsewhere in a larger nursery setting with stronger skills in behaviour and communication support.

This is Mumsnet, where a large number of people seem to think that biting, kicking, punching toddlers are completely normal, OP 🙄

If the parents don’t want you to correct their child, then they should do it themselves. They sound like feckless, simpering parents who just repeat the same mantras without actually trying to educate/help their child.

The other children you look after aren’t there to be this child’s punchbag, or to be used as training aids. I’d be furious if I was the parent of one of those children.

Well … they are @BreatheAndFocus .

That doesn’t make it pleasant and it doesn’t mean we just shrug and get on with things, but it is normal. My DS was a horror from 18 months - 2 and a half.

But I don’t think the OP is a registered childminder.

When DS was 2, I expected his nursery to deal with tantrums/aggression that happened during their time, as per their behaviour policy (which I’d obviously seen when he started).

There’s not much I can do about a two year old having a tantrum at 10am if you tell me about it at 6pm, and I wouldn’t be very impressed with your abilities as a childcare professional if you thought his tantrums with you were my problem to fix from afar. If he never does this behaviour at home, me telling him 8 hours later to use gentle hands isn’t going to be effective is it? I’d expect you to intervene and redirect him at the time.

I had a nephew that was a real chunky Chappie for a two year old, and he was a brute. Most parties my daughter had entailed me apologising to other parents for his behaviour after he’d assaulted their children 🤦‍♀️. In his case his mother was the problem, she didn’t spend any quality time with him and was quite cruel to him. To get him down off the coffee table she grabbed him be the hair and dragged him off, no wonder he was like he was, poor lad. Is it possible that he’s acting out due to seeing a similar behaviour in his home environment? Just a thought, after my experience with my nephew who is now a lovely 28 year old young man.

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