AIBU to be absolutely livid with this palliative nurse?

[Smallwhitebutterfly]

My dad had a massive stroke. We were in hospital for a few days before a palliative care nurse came to see us for the first time. I asked her to describe the signs when someone is dying - she said sometimes they frown if they're in pain and their breathing becomes erratic. Just as she was saying that my dad started to pause for a few seconds while breathing. We told her he had been breathing regularly before that. And she did say that was a sign he was deteriorating. Then he did this big grimace after being completely unresponsive and not moving his face at all for the past few days. We asked her about it and she said it looked like he needed to cough. But she didn't say this is it, it's happening, he's dying right now. She kept chatting to us about what the palliative care team did and gave us her contact details. Because she made it seem like this wasn't his final moments I popped out to the loo quickly. When I got back my dad had stopped breathing. Thinking I had missed his last breath I rushed to his side to tell him I loved him and he gave the tiniest gasp and didn't breathe again. AIBU to be angry that this woman experienced in death who didn't realise his final moments were happening and stole precious minutes we could have been speaking to him as a family? And also that it made me question whether I was actually there for the last breath? (I realise some of this anger may be misplaced grief...)

So sorry for your pain. Losing your dad is so hard.

It's very difficult for nurses or medics to be able to tell when someone is ready to die at the exact time. They just won't give you a time frame. It's too risky.

My mum died of pancreatic cancer and she was unconscious for four days before she died. The nurses would absolutely not give me any time frame of when to expect her passing because they simply couldn't say and did not want to held to their prediction.

Well sorry but you’re like everyone else in the world! You’re going to get negative comments sometimes, but if the following 100 comments (like on this thread), don’t convince you that the original comment was I haste, then you need to think about why not.

you think that if a chef gets a bad comment about one meal in 100 he’s going to leave his profession?

I have admiration for your profession, but sometimes people are going to get it wrong and sometimes you are going to get it wrong.

Not all nurses are angels!

And stop generalising women and nurses!
They’re individuals and not all have the same temperaments.

By any means!

This. I know that nurses (and other HCP's) are (or at least were, I am retired now) taught about bereavement and grief and how it manifests itself and coping strategies for dealing with the aftermath of it when it is projected onto them.

Which is a good thing.

Very sorry for your loss. I would consider that the nurse had the best interests of the family at heart at the time. It doesn’t sound like she knew your dad prior to this meeting or was familiar with how he had been presenting previously to notice a difference in him iyswim. I’m sure she would be upset to know how you are feeling and that her intentions were not for you to feel like this, probably the opposite.

When I volunteered in a hospice we were told that dying people often wait until the relations pop to the loo, get something to eat, get some fresh air, and then die while they are alone. My friend died as her husband stood up to take a tray from the woman bringing his supper.

Maybe I am emotional as my dad died last night, thanks for support.