To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

I find it frankly bizarre that you know this level of detail about your daughter’s fantasy emotional life. And she sounds like a wet lettuce. A bit of distance will do you both good.

This, imagine you got a phone call from a boys parent.
'I can't believe your daughter doesn't want to date my son, tell her how awful she is, I don't care if she doesn't like him that way' ?! 😬

Are you mad?

Where does your loyalty sit with your friends feelings or your daughter?

You tell your daughter her ‘boyfriend’ and ‘best friend’ have done the unthinkable and got together behind her back. You absolutely MUST tell her!

And you tell your friend too!

Eh, we have established he wasn't the boyfriend. He wasn't it appears in any type of romantic relationship other than in the young girls imagination.

So exactly why can't he be with another person?

@Temporarynameforthisone but he wasn't and hasn't ever been in a relationship with her.
As above, do you think the dd gets to call dibs on someone she likes and he isn't allowed to date anyone but her?

OP they’re both young, immature, selfish - in an ideal world no one would ride roughshod over other people’s feelings, but we’ve all done it. It’s part of growing up.

Regarding the evening out, he may have let her down, he may not have. You only have her interpretation of the arrangement they’d made. It might have been more of a “we’ll walk together if we happen to be leaving at the same time” from his point of view.

As harsh as it sounds, he may be finding her emotional needs difficult to cope with, especially when he just wants to have fun. When I was in my first year at university my brother died. Then 3 weeks later my boyfriend dumped me. I hated him at the time, but nearly 40 years later I can see that we were just kids, finding our way in the world, largely selfishly - and he was out of his depth.

Your poor DD, it must be so hard for her. But she’ll get through it. Has she considered moving accommodation if her flat mates aren’t at all sociable?

It’s not female bashing to say that she needs to have a plan to get home by herself or if plans change. It’s sounds like you’ve coddled her and instilled she has to be seen home by someone but she needs to be able to get home by herself. It’s not just people going home with someone but getting separated or someone going home early because they’ve drank too much. You need plan A and then a back up plan but the ability to readjust plan A and back up plans as the night progresses.

This is also coming from your daughter’s perspective who thought they were heading towards being a couple and have been for a year. So an “umm maybe” to walking to her home sounds like a “definitely yes” to her, hoping it might finally be the moment that they move the relationship where she wants it to. To the young lad an “umm maybe” is “if I bump into you at closing time and I’ve got no better plans, I’ll walk you home”.

We’ve all had unrequited love. It’s a brutal lesson to learn and I imagine you’re reliving your first heartbreak on an unrequited crush or where you felt you’d been led on by someone coupled with your protective instincts because it’s your daughter and she’s already struggling. But she needs to learn this lesson. It could be really good for her to learn she can’t just rely on someone and trust is earned through actions, not words. Until then, she relies on herself. That if someone wants to be with her they won’t piss around for a year. Hopefully, this is a turning point that gets her into societies and sports clubs, she finds her groove and she can come out of her shell. If she doesn’t at the moment, she’ll probably come home for a year and lick her wounds. If that’s the case, I’d encourage her to get a full time job and look at different unis, she’ll go back to somewhere else next September and then she’ll find her groove but she’ll be a bit more mature.

This all sounds too intense. Which is not unusual, I remember being pretty intense about some boys in my youth 🤔😁.

OP, you must stay out of it, as it is not your job to tell his mother. Speaking to her would make it even more awkward for your dd. The only way is to deal with it with her head up high. It's not nice of her BFF to start dating him behind her back, on the other hand, people don't own other people, if they have fallen for each other then that's that, it's not a crime, your dd and boy weren't married or even dating. She needs to let him go and hopefully it's a lesson in not waiting around. We all know, if a boy / man wants to be with you they'll make that fairly clear fairly soon. I would not encourage obsessing over anyone. maybe this is the wake call your dd needs to accept her new life at uni and go for it.

It's odd they are all at the same uni, how did this happen, such a coincidence.

I agree, they are very young.

I really think you need to stay out of this; you are far too invested. All you have is hearsay, if you tell her he is (allegedly) seeing her friend you risk driving a wedge between you and her.

The friendship with the two from home is a bit overclose/stalkerish. She's at the same uni as them ...are you sure she made the right choices when picking courses or is she so blindsided by him she is just following him? Maybe work on boundaries with her and help her improve her confidence and self-worth.

Most importantly, let her learn how to navigate this situation herself but be there to support if and when she learns the truth. If she asks if you knew, you can say you'd heard unsubstantiated gossip (because that is what your other child is doing....spreading gossip) but chosen not to act on it as a) it's gossip b) you are miles away and couldn't substantiate it and c) you didn't know the intention of the person. Who brought this gossip up. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but your family need to take a step back and stop interfering so much in each others lives.

As an aside, she doesn't need her flat mates to socialise, encourage her to join clubs and societies and build a social circle that way. The more people she has round her the less dependent she'll be on her "friends" from home and the more able she'll cope with any bad news.

What struck me is that your daughter has been relying on him for emotional support. It is likely that he hasn’t wanted to hurt her but also doesn’t want the responsibility of a relationship with someone who needs that level of emotional input. Perhaps try to understand where he is coming from if possible and then your feelings might become less intense towards him

Good lord, this is pathetic! Almost a year beginning with him chasing and her seemingly uninterested and then when she’s interested he’s not … and you think he’s treating her badly?! If they wanted to be together, as a mutual decision, it would have happened. A year is a ridiculous amount of time for teenagers to moon over each other.

the night out thing is annoying, but whilst it’s good that your daughter is thinking about how to get home, she has to learn that she absolutely cannot rely on another person to be responsible for her, an adult. What if they wanted to leave at different times? What if he pulled? She has to learn how to get home, or where to go that’s not home (crash on a friend’s floor). You are doing her no favours.

It's inappropriate when mums of teenagers get overly involved in their teen's dating life.

Not saying the OP is doing this, she's probably just venting here, which is a much better alternative.

Teens and young adults crave to be independent and most would detest their mummies sticking their noses in their love life. Their mummies already had a go at this game, no it's over to the next generation. Support your teen but don't try to influence things for them or snowplowing their way to romance by speaking to the love object's mother, nothing could be less attractive and more cringe😬

I would stay out of this completely.

You're all a bit too close for comfort; DD, boy, best friend, boy's mum etc. It's all too much! Hopefully she'll meet new people at uni and can spread her wings a little.

This is just normal teenage stuff. I know it's horrible to see your child upset (or incoming upset in this case) but it's life and growing up, it's meant to happen. We all still remember our teenage heartaches, it passes we move on.

I definitely think teaching your DD not to rely on others to get her home is very important . Especially when it's another 18yo. Plans change, people decide to go off with someone or to another party or get blind drunk and completely unable to 'escort' anyone anywhere.

She doesnt need therapy! She needs a mother who doesnt view her and give her messages that she is an all round victim who is too vulnerable to do things on her own.

Its a tough one, it seems to me that your DD's friend hasn't got the girl code memo. Being the mother of a 19yo I have learned over the last couple of years that unless they agree (and the boy asks) to be officially bf/gf then there is no expectation on either side to be 'exclusive'. I find this really bad that its like keeping your options open and I don't feel this is a nice way for young people these days to behave. Girls do get more hopeful as time goes on but its all too easy to get dropped with no issue, as I fear this is whats happened with your DD. I don't feel that there is anything you can do tbh, just support and encourage her to make new friends. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who I have confided in about my feelings and makes their move behind my back (if I have read this situation correctly). Its so hard as they are far away and you cant give her a cuddle when she needs it. Heartache doesn't get any easier but I hope she gets stuck into uni life without this boy now.

Almost her boyfriend moving towards being her boyfriend. It all sounds typical teenage angst. Girl has expectations. Boy insensitive and didn't realise. But he wasnt committed in any way. Nothing malicious here. IMHO. Let them get on with it.

He was never her boyfriend and wasn’t going to be.

Id work on supporting your daughter and raising her self esteem so she doesn’t settle for crumbs of affection when she is after a full relationship. He is free to date who ever he fancies.

From how you describe your daughter, I wonder if the need for emotional support from her male and female friend has been overwhelming for them? They are all very young

it seems to me that your DD's friend hasn't got the girl code memo.
What that you call dibs on another human and even if they and another person like each other a relationship is forbidden?

You sound way too invested in this. Do you come from an isolated community? Just wondering because my daughters never relied on some bloke to 'get them home safely'. Does the university town have no buses or taxis? Why teach your daughter to be so needy? The boy and friend might be tired of being 'her emotional support'.

Watermelon, I'm totally with you on the night out thing - it's dreadful that she asked him and he basically forgot about her or ignored her, really unsafe behaviour. You are not being unreasonable expecting that a lad she knows from home would be looking out for your dd. I doubt you will help anyone by mentioning it to his mum though, which is frustrating.

100% this. We can all be guilty of seeing our dc as victims, when the protective instinct kicks in too hard and we are otherwise feeling not in balance with our own life and selves.

They're not victims, they are the agents of their own fortune. We can enable and try to empower but we shouldn't try to solve their problems for them.

I really like the posts on this thread that emphasise the importance for girls to be independent and not really on others for getting home. Also trauma dumping is not great and the dd may have pushed away her BFF and the boy by moaning about everything all the time. This is a case of chin up and make the most of your time at uni, it's expensive enough so a waste to feel sorry for yourself. Unrequited love sucks but is the most normal experience. She'll find someone nice to date soon enough.

They're 18 years old. Stay out of it. It's not that serious.

Wait... just read they weren't even together.

So you want to tell your friend that her son was a good friend to your DD whilst being romantically interested in someone else and how very dare he?

Is this a wind up?!!