Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

[comfortablynumber]

My sister in law is getting married in 3 weeks. My daughter is a bridesmaid and my son is an usher. However we’ve all just had a huge row and now my children don’t particularly want to go either. Looking for advice.

Both my kids are in private school. Daughter year 10, son year 11. SIL very much disapproves of our choice. She also has a child in year 11. Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education. We’re not pulling the kids out of school during GCSEs but the fee increase is too much long term. The plan therefore is for them to complete their GCSEs in their current school and hopefully then get a place at the excellent local state school for 6th form. The local school is C of E which is why we couldn’t get in for senior school (I have some thoughts about that, but that’s another thread!) However for 6th form current pupils just have to achieve high GCSEs and new pupils very high GCSEs. They make offers to new pupils based on school predicted grades and the number of applicants etc. Last year for example to get in for A level maths you needed to be predicted a min 7 as well as scoring highly in an exam the school set.

I thought SIL would be happy, but she lost her mind. It was triggered by a comment my son made- he said he was looking forward to going because it would be nice to go somewhere bigger, meet new people and because most of his friends from his current school were also applying. His current school is selective and high achieving. Son is predicted 7-9 in almost everything and most of his friends are the same. We’re talking a year group of 150 kids with at least 50+% now applying to the local school (previously I’d say 10-20% went after GCSEs). This will obviously massively increase the competition for the places they can offer to people who aren’t already pupils.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers. The thing is, that other than the great C of E school the other school options aren’t good at all (hence us going private.) Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better, and some of the other local schools don’t even offer things like further maths or A levels other than the basics.

DH (her brother) pointed out that the levelling up of state schools she thinks will happen when private schools lose pupils would take some time and there were bound to be issues initially, especially when lots more kids look to go to state schools for A levels in a few years. He’s been pissed off with her for years and pointed out that this is what she wanted. My son and daughter are very upset that their aunt seemingly doesn’t care that much about them.

I’m more sympathetic. Nephew has struggled in the school he’s currently in (also not able to get into C of E school) with low level bullying. He’s had 3 maths teachers in 18 months and his science teachers have been dreadful. The drama teacher is currently filling in in GCSE English lit for unknown reasons and it’s not going well. It’s all been a bit shit and I know they are hugely keen for him to go somewhere different for A level. However his predicted grades aren’t brilliant and he was always borderline as to whether he’d get in based on last years offers- the additional competition may well mess things up for him. SIL has been really upset about his school for a long time which is one of the reasons she’s been so cross about us going private. Apparently the local schools would have been better if the private school and the Cof E didn’t cream off the better pupils. She’s not wrong (don’t want this to be a thread about educational policy though) However my son and daughter are I think rightfully annoyed that she’d be happy to send them there!

It all got very fraught until my MIL nearly burst into tears and people calmed down. However the children are now saying they don’t want to be in her wedding. This is my problem- do I tell them to suck it up (outfits bought, far to late in the day to drop out, not doing it would cause possibly unrecoverable family strife, they love their cousin and my SIL when she’s not upset and speaking without thinking) or do I let them chose not to? They’re young and cross and I’m know they haven’t thought through the long term ramifications.

DH says we should leave them tonight but he’s not exactly impartial. I actually like SIL (despite being often and vocally judged) and think that everyone will end up regretting not going. I also think she’s a worried mother who is seeing the possibility of her child not getting a place somewhere he really wants to go. I’d be upset -and I am upset for nephew.
What do I do?

Ultimately more state school pupils will have achieved the necessary grades (and some of them under tougher circumstances than your nephew) than private school pupils so your sil’s argument falls apart. Because even if offers were contextualised her son would still not get one.

Sil started the argument. If this was my DN she’d have said quite bluntly that it’s not her problem her kid didn’t get the grades and she did. If anything OP’s kids were too polite.

I think it's more blatant than that.

I voted Labour, I think that in comparison to the Tories they will be infinitely better. However, I think this particular policy will backfire, as this post shows.

The reason that Labour is pressing ahead with it, despite probably being aware it's not going to be effective, is because it's extremely popular and the vast majority of people want it. When people suggest that it's going to have a negative impact on everyone, the response is, "I don't care about private school children!" and usually throw in a few comments about how Henrietta and Sebastian will get over it, forgetting that Oliver and Amelia are probably going to suffer too.

IMO she has a valid point. You are both on different sides of a political argument with your own circumstances and biases making it very emotional. You are never going to agree, so need to agree not to agree and avoid the topic.

It is a good opportunity for you to model this to your dc for them to learn from it.

Their aunt is not wrong and although I don't agree with your perspective neither are you in having your own opinion, hers is just different but valid and both your opinions should be respected and discussing politics is probably best avoided when emotions could be high.

It would be poor form for any of you to ruin your relationships over this.

I’m not sure why there’s so much criticism of the boy, the sil can’t attack people and be surprised when they defend themselves

I agree with this.

SIL should not have put this on you, OP. And I am not saying that you should be (verbally) abused or berated.

But your DS is in a very privileged position.

And his (expected) results would be considerably more impressive if he went to the same kind of school his cousin goes to.

Is your DS aware of that? Because he absolutely should be.

Did you have that talk with him? Have you and your DH tried to explain why there are genuine reasons for “contextualised“ placements?

You are doing your son, your family and the rest of society a disservice if you don’t!

This

Oh come on now. Has that private school bubble made him unaware of how things work or have you hid that from him? To use his age for a lack of self awareness is unreasonable

Well those clever emotionally robust kids won't learn about differencies and empathy with others will they? But then again, maybe that's not something your family values? That is probably the root of the argument with SIL.

It is in the context of what the thread is discussing and the posters previous post i originally replied to.

I agree with much (not all) of what your sister thinks. It doesn't sound that big of a deal to me. She has different views, which are long held, on education than you and your family. So what? She's not wrong to say that bright, privately educated children will do better in a poor state school that a state educated child. I imagine she wasn't very tactful about this though, which hurt your children's feelings. Ultimately, I would tell them to suck it up and go to the wedding. There's no reason one disagreement should cause a big family rift.

Feel for your MIL, hosting a family occasion that turns into
an argument plus the potential to cause further damage.
SIL must be super stressed with DS's wellbeing/education potentially getting worse through no wrongdoing plus organizing a what should be a happy life time event coming up. Which is now under a cloud.
Guess her outburst is fear based, which I get.
If cousins normally get on and are of similar age could you not suggest they help each other if one needs emotional support and educational too maybe, especially if they are top set ?
Maybe they can be the solution, not the cause to further family rift in that respect, although I understand the kneejerk response.
Fight a fire with a fire extinguisher, don't add more fuel to it.

Well done Labour.

So many poor kids (like I was) are going to miss out due to their policy of envy.

I bet Labour won't do anything about it though as they are too stupid to realise what they have done.

🤣🤣🤣

OK!

For you to recognise the nuance. In your previous post you didn’t acknowledged anything about the privilege of the OPs children and reduced the argument to “her son was told he doesn’t deserve the grades he worked hard for.” Which is nothing to do with anything.

This is very thoughtful and really resonates with me. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I'm going to use a lot of the points made.

Um. She literally told them she wanted them to go to a crap school because you paid for them up to GCSE. They are right to be cross.

Your SIL needs to be told she’s damaged the relationship and given a chance to apologise. And this needs to happy urgently because otherwise there’s a high chance that this could be dragged up at the wedding itself.

I don't understand this at all - as a child who goes to that school if her son made the grades then he would be offered a place over external candidates.
Our loca comp is 7 for A levels - I thought everyone's schools were like this.

Well OP, I hope in the remaining years in their private school your DC learn empathy and to ‘check their privilege’ as the woke among us say. My DC are privately educated, and at 15 would have had enough self awareness not to engage in this argument, and certainly to be aware of the advantage their education gave them in the process.

I agree my DD is the same age and applying for sixth forms and she is definitely aware - one popular place ballots for places

if he really isn’t and his response he does sound very much like he has been living in a bubble and I think you need to have a frank chat about how even though some of what his Aunt said was wrong understanding why and the effects of the rising school fees is a conversation you need to have

My DD is at grammar school - her choice and she has thrived there but she is very aware of the inequalities of the system (all coming from her we are a big grammar area) and the difference it can make

sil Is largely right in what she says, it is very sad that her son has ended up with poor teaching and behaviour management and it will affect his grades. However this isn’t your or your childrens fault, of course you did what was best for them, and they will continue to chooses schools which will be best. It isn’t anyones personal fault that nephew has had a rough ride and she shouldn’t haven’t taken it out like she did. She’s obviously stressed and concerned. I would explain these things to your children. Obviously they didn’t mean any harm but it might be a good time to have a chat about avoiding certain subjects in case we upset others, not that it’s wrong at all, just being sensitive to other feelings. And yes they should go ahead with wedding

It’s not the kids who lack empathy

So you find it funny that poor kids are going to miss out on a good education?

Nice.

I think you have to tread carefully or you will give them the message to put aside their feelings and thoughts so someone that has been rude to them is OK. They need to know their boundary of not wanting to go is valid and you will back them up if after the convo they don't change their minds.

The SIL’s child doesn’t go to the school - he was going to get in for 6th firm, he’s currently in the school for the ‘less ambitious’ or the useless local comprehensive.