Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

[comfortablynumber]

My sister in law is getting married in 3 weeks. My daughter is a bridesmaid and my son is an usher. However we’ve all just had a huge row and now my children don’t particularly want to go either. Looking for advice.

Both my kids are in private school. Daughter year 10, son year 11. SIL very much disapproves of our choice. She also has a child in year 11. Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education. We’re not pulling the kids out of school during GCSEs but the fee increase is too much long term. The plan therefore is for them to complete their GCSEs in their current school and hopefully then get a place at the excellent local state school for 6th form. The local school is C of E which is why we couldn’t get in for senior school (I have some thoughts about that, but that’s another thread!) However for 6th form current pupils just have to achieve high GCSEs and new pupils very high GCSEs. They make offers to new pupils based on school predicted grades and the number of applicants etc. Last year for example to get in for A level maths you needed to be predicted a min 7 as well as scoring highly in an exam the school set.

I thought SIL would be happy, but she lost her mind. It was triggered by a comment my son made- he said he was looking forward to going because it would be nice to go somewhere bigger, meet new people and because most of his friends from his current school were also applying. His current school is selective and high achieving. Son is predicted 7-9 in almost everything and most of his friends are the same. We’re talking a year group of 150 kids with at least 50+% now applying to the local school (previously I’d say 10-20% went after GCSEs). This will obviously massively increase the competition for the places they can offer to people who aren’t already pupils.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers. The thing is, that other than the great C of E school the other school options aren’t good at all (hence us going private.) Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better, and some of the other local schools don’t even offer things like further maths or A levels other than the basics.

DH (her brother) pointed out that the levelling up of state schools she thinks will happen when private schools lose pupils would take some time and there were bound to be issues initially, especially when lots more kids look to go to state schools for A levels in a few years. He’s been pissed off with her for years and pointed out that this is what she wanted. My son and daughter are very upset that their aunt seemingly doesn’t care that much about them.

I’m more sympathetic. Nephew has struggled in the school he’s currently in (also not able to get into C of E school) with low level bullying. He’s had 3 maths teachers in 18 months and his science teachers have been dreadful. The drama teacher is currently filling in in GCSE English lit for unknown reasons and it’s not going well. It’s all been a bit shit and I know they are hugely keen for him to go somewhere different for A level. However his predicted grades aren’t brilliant and he was always borderline as to whether he’d get in based on last years offers- the additional competition may well mess things up for him. SIL has been really upset about his school for a long time which is one of the reasons she’s been so cross about us going private. Apparently the local schools would have been better if the private school and the Cof E didn’t cream off the better pupils. She’s not wrong (don’t want this to be a thread about educational policy though) However my son and daughter are I think rightfully annoyed that she’d be happy to send them there!

It all got very fraught until my MIL nearly burst into tears and people calmed down. However the children are now saying they don’t want to be in her wedding. This is my problem- do I tell them to suck it up (outfits bought, far to late in the day to drop out, not doing it would cause possibly unrecoverable family strife, they love their cousin and my SIL when she’s not upset and speaking without thinking) or do I let them chose not to? They’re young and cross and I’m know they haven’t thought through the long term ramifications.

DH says we should leave them tonight but he’s not exactly impartial. I actually like SIL (despite being often and vocally judged) and think that everyone will end up regretting not going. I also think she’s a worried mother who is seeing the possibility of her child not getting a place somewhere he really wants to go. I’d be upset -and I am upset for nephew.
What do I do?

This will keep happening up and down the country. Those parents who support labour’s policy with children in state schools who are hurt by the policy will rage against the parents who can no longer afford fees or, in this case, their kids. They won’t rage against the policy itself because ultimately they would rather see privately educated kids “punished” even if it’s at the expense of their own kids.

Suck it up and go to the wedding. Teach your kids that families may argue but it doesn’t mean not attending important family functions unless really serious (which this isn’t).

She does have a point no matter how poorly delivered and private schools don’t offer better education. Complete myth with a national curriculum (same with grammars). I’ve been to both so I know. And by the way my kids sound like yours and guess what they went to state school. I think you were probs to blame too given some of your elitist comments. We chose not to send our kids to private school for this very reason.

Again, 2 dimensional. Did you or your kids go to a private school by any chance?

your SIL needs to separate this from personal circumstances. she is projecting her bitterness and worry onto her nephews and niece. that's not very mature. Is she generally good at being accountable, or does she believe the world owes her what she doesn't have? Is she jealous of those who have achieved what she once hoped she might?

eg she needs to separate
education policy / the state of the schools in your area / thoughts on private schools etc etc
from
what people close to her personally do with their lives and the circumstances they find themselves in

instead of being happy for her nehpew and neice it sounds like she resents them.

apologies if I have misunderstood (your post is very wordy), but she does sound like she has issues with accepting who she is and her circumstances, jealousy, accountability etc

A very similar (maybe not quite so serious) thing happened to me and my cousin growing up
we were the year before year7 and in my area you have to take a test to get into secondary school, especially for me who didn’t live in the catchment area for school it was kinda a big deal at the time
my auntie was very secretive about my cousins results when they came out which my parents weren’t bothered by, however she hit the roof when she overheard me and my cousin talking about our own results (we were 10 aha)
this was also shortly before my auntie and uncles wedding and i was supposed to be bridesmaid, my parents sat me down and basically said they would make the decision if we went to the wedding or not at the end of the day because they were the adults but did i have anything i wanted to voice, i said it hurt my feelings because i was proud of my results i’d worked hard and it was a relief otherwise i could have been sent to a school a lot further away (whereas my cousin got into school on distance) and my parents sort of validated how i felt and then tried to explain my aunties point of view how although she shouldn’t have taken it out on me, she was obviously just upset things didn’t go how she hoped and asked me if i wanted to miss the wedding based on this argument and what would matter in years time (this is a lot to put on a 10 year old but im pretty sure my parents were going to choose to go anyway but it helped we recently went through my other uncle and aunties wedding photos recently and we remembered how special it was)
not sure if that’s any help, however many years on, the wedding was lovely lots of photos and memories and both me and my cousin did well at our separate schools haha

I think they've got to carry on with wedding duties this close to D-day.
But, use this as an opportunity to teach your kids that this is why you shouldn’t discuss politics, money, religion (or schools!) with anyone you don’t want to fall out with.
I think some people take great offence at others choosing a different education route to them as they see it as a criticism of their own choices, but ultimately we should all be doing the best we can that our means allow.
I would point out however that sil, presumably an adult in her 40’s should know better too and I’d probably back away from any non essential socialising with her!

Yes you have misunderstood.

100% agree with the posters who said teach your children arguments can be had without cutting people off, remind them that they know she loves them, think of the years of relationship you’ve had- say would you really just toss that away for one argument? I’d really hope not; and then say perhaps I can explain to you what your aunt was really saying and feeling, and how that conversation wasn’t actually about you, but that the world isn’t fair. And one day something will be a little bit unfair for you and you will rage at the injustice and perhaps remember this and how she must feel. I hope it’s a small thing for you where you experience unfair, and it might well be as you are so lucky and privileged.

Your children know they are at an advantage. (Omg, my year 7 kid knows even at sporting events that they are the independent sectors poor relatives...) They should be able to see where Aunt is coming from. Even at 15.

Your kids lack empathy. This is on you and your husband.

I wouldn't care if nephews / niece deigned to attend my wedding if I was SIL. Tbh I'd be pleased if they took their attitude elsewhere.

It's a load of absolute drama over nothing at all and you would be ridiculous to let your children dictate to you like this. I can't believe you're even considering doing this.

I still don't understand what was mocking in what was said but him. The kid doesn't understand fully why she was upset and made a comment that he was looking forward to the new school, his aunt goes apeshit and tells him he should be going to the terrible school, he asks if it's because he went to a school that his parents chose and he had no control over and didn't ask to go to that they now can't afford, she said yes and he's replied in a less than tactful way also. The aunt was in the wrong as was op for bringing it up. The conversation should never have got that far but why should a child sit there and be told they deserve less, his cousin doesn't deserve less either but that's not the boys fault. Why was his question offensive? His aunt doesn't sound like she explained anything (context came from op)

Your DS’s question was provocative - but I know mine would have gone there as well. SIL’s response was not acceptable. Suggestions above that you and DH go round and have a chat are very sensible. Hopefully everyone will calm down. I’d ask your DC to reflect on whether they want to cause a huge breach by not going. At the end of the day you can’t force them, so if they don’t go, there’s not much you can do, and MIL will have to accept that.

Probably most families face this type of disparity over something at some point. I would not have sent my DC to my old school which DNs went to. But we’re many miles away so it was never an issue. PIL often say they wished we had gone back home - but I recently pointed this out, and said this might have caused some upset. We would have moved to avoid our DC being at the school - that our DNs were at.

Your sil is clearly under a lot of stress with the wedding and her sons future. Maybe now is a good time to teach your kids empathy

I agree that you should encourage your children to go to the wedding. This is one of those scenarios where they should be encouraged to rise above her comments out of love.

I agree your DC seem shockingly unaware of how privileged they have been. It's not their fault - they are young and sheltered. This might be a wake up call to them.

Talk to them and explain that not going to their aunt's wedding is a terrible idea. In a few years time this row will have been forgotten but bailing on a family event as important as this over a fairly petty argument could leave a permanent rift.

Yes, I’d start from this point, and hope your DC can accept this.

This is a deeply impactful and personal matter because all of you are impacted. Her child could be negatively impacted by choices being made for your child. With that in mind, I think you should accept that tensions were high and things got heated but that it doesn't mean you need to act rashly or cut people off. It's a really good lesson for your kids. Sometimes long relationships survive because there are things we agree to disagree about.

people didn't vote for their children to be shoved out of the best state schools because a bunch of parents suddenly can't afford school fees.

And i would be absolutely in favour of schools being able to (if not forced to) commit to taking a certain number of state educated children as they have done previously. Just to put people's minds at rest.

As someone with the benefit of a private education, i know how unfair it all is. People i went to junior school with who were equally as clever (if not better) than me would have done well, some of the less successful in junior school kids would have absolutely thrived if they'd had 15-20 people in their classes at secondary etc etc.
Blimey in my A-level classes the biggest was 10. The smallest was 3. I find it abhorrent that children are divided into the haves and have nots like this, and would be in favour of taking all fee-paying schools into state hands.

It seems they don't teach emotional intelligence at private schools. Your kids are being ridiculous. It's a massively controversial topic that triggers deep emotions. Your kids should forgive and move on. A wedding is a lovely occasion to put disagreements behind them.

Your kids are almost adults/uni aged, they're far too old to be told they 'have' to go somewhere. You need to back off, and let them decide. You talk about regret, but you may regret forcing (and how do you physically 'force' two big grown teenagers, away) them, they could resent you for it. For forcing them to go to something they are not comfortable with. It's their decision, not yours. And if you put money in front of them (guilt them) they'll resent you more. What cost, their happiness? People cancel going to things all the time. I'd rather take a loss on something trivial like a suit, than risk my relationship with my own children who will resent me for not respecting my autonomy.

Your sil was right, and I see her point myself, having gone to a state school and been bullied throughout which affected my ability to achieve and learn. I still feel some resentment when I see the happy and successful private school kids from my area. BUT, I am an adult and I manage those feelings. I certainly wouldn't have an outburst like that in front of my nephew/niece. Your sil needs to apologise and your husband (who sounds more wiser and emotionally intelligent and perceptive than you give him credit for) should be demanding she apologise and perhaps tell them she has upset her DNs so much they don't feel welcome at the wedding. See if that guilts her and she apologises.

But whatever you do, do not under any circumstances, force your DC to go. Respect them enough to allow them to make their choices and have personal autonomy - no matter how much you may disagree with their decision.

Yes they did vote for their kids to be shoved out - they just didn't realise it.

It is not that she does not care about your children; it is simply that she is worried about her own child. And I can see why.

It is down to you to help your chidlren understand this and to be supportive to SIL - some of which will involve being part of SIL's wedding.

Your children are teenagers - things are black and white to them. But you are an adult and can help them to understand what is really going on here, to grasp the nuances, and help them to react appropriately.

There is absolutely no need for a family rift here. People need to behave like adults and model mature reasoning and kindness for all the teenagers.

It's not really 2 dimensional - it's saying that actions have consequences.

again: they didn't vote to have their children penalised for other people's decisions.

i mean, i voted for Labour and i think it was a stupidly ill-thought out plan. It wasn't top of my agenda though. it was in my top 10 but not my top 5 reasons for voting for them. it is highly conceivable for other people to have done the same.