Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

[comfortablynumber]

My sister in law is getting married in 3 weeks. My daughter is a bridesmaid and my son is an usher. However we’ve all just had a huge row and now my children don’t particularly want to go either. Looking for advice.

Both my kids are in private school. Daughter year 10, son year 11. SIL very much disapproves of our choice. She also has a child in year 11. Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education. We’re not pulling the kids out of school during GCSEs but the fee increase is too much long term. The plan therefore is for them to complete their GCSEs in their current school and hopefully then get a place at the excellent local state school for 6th form. The local school is C of E which is why we couldn’t get in for senior school (I have some thoughts about that, but that’s another thread!) However for 6th form current pupils just have to achieve high GCSEs and new pupils very high GCSEs. They make offers to new pupils based on school predicted grades and the number of applicants etc. Last year for example to get in for A level maths you needed to be predicted a min 7 as well as scoring highly in an exam the school set.

I thought SIL would be happy, but she lost her mind. It was triggered by a comment my son made- he said he was looking forward to going because it would be nice to go somewhere bigger, meet new people and because most of his friends from his current school were also applying. His current school is selective and high achieving. Son is predicted 7-9 in almost everything and most of his friends are the same. We’re talking a year group of 150 kids with at least 50+% now applying to the local school (previously I’d say 10-20% went after GCSEs). This will obviously massively increase the competition for the places they can offer to people who aren’t already pupils.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers. The thing is, that other than the great C of E school the other school options aren’t good at all (hence us going private.) Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better, and some of the other local schools don’t even offer things like further maths or A levels other than the basics.

DH (her brother) pointed out that the levelling up of state schools she thinks will happen when private schools lose pupils would take some time and there were bound to be issues initially, especially when lots more kids look to go to state schools for A levels in a few years. He’s been pissed off with her for years and pointed out that this is what she wanted. My son and daughter are very upset that their aunt seemingly doesn’t care that much about them.

I’m more sympathetic. Nephew has struggled in the school he’s currently in (also not able to get into C of E school) with low level bullying. He’s had 3 maths teachers in 18 months and his science teachers have been dreadful. The drama teacher is currently filling in in GCSE English lit for unknown reasons and it’s not going well. It’s all been a bit shit and I know they are hugely keen for him to go somewhere different for A level. However his predicted grades aren’t brilliant and he was always borderline as to whether he’d get in based on last years offers- the additional competition may well mess things up for him. SIL has been really upset about his school for a long time which is one of the reasons she’s been so cross about us going private. Apparently the local schools would have been better if the private school and the Cof E didn’t cream off the better pupils. She’s not wrong (don’t want this to be a thread about educational policy though) However my son and daughter are I think rightfully annoyed that she’d be happy to send them there!

It all got very fraught until my MIL nearly burst into tears and people calmed down. However the children are now saying they don’t want to be in her wedding. This is my problem- do I tell them to suck it up (outfits bought, far to late in the day to drop out, not doing it would cause possibly unrecoverable family strife, they love their cousin and my SIL when she’s not upset and speaking without thinking) or do I let them chose not to? They’re young and cross and I’m know they haven’t thought through the long term ramifications.

DH says we should leave them tonight but he’s not exactly impartial. I actually like SIL (despite being often and vocally judged) and think that everyone will end up regretting not going. I also think she’s a worried mother who is seeing the possibility of her child not getting a place somewhere he really wants to go. I’d be upset -and I am upset for nephew.
What do I do?

Well I too think she has a point. That is exactly why some prestigious secondary establishments and unis give some leeway to applicants from less privileged backgrounds.
She was silly to raise the subject timing wise though, probably general stress warping her judgement? I feel for her concerns about her boy.
I do think though you need to tell the kids they are going to the wedding. If not, everyone's a loser. Time and patience will heal

Haven't read the whole thread

Your kids should fulfil their already agreed obligations

All go to the wedding. That goes without saying. Not going is too big to contemplate.

Daughter can choose whether to be a bridesmaid. Son can choose whether to be an usher.

Faces saved all round

You all need to park your opinions about education and concentrate on the fact that this is an important family occasion. I've been in a situation where a similar thing has happened and non-attendance over another issue has caused a huge and permanent rift. It's honestly not worth it.

I have a different take on this hence my feeling that sil absolutely needs to repair this. It is my understanding from the op that sil has consistently been rude, judgemental and unkind to them. This is nothing new, maybe she was worse than usual this time.

Nonetheless op being a people pleaser has tolerated and ignored this to keep the peace, finding excuse after excuse to overlook
very poor behaviour. This seems like the final straw to me for her dh and kids at least. They have had a gutsful of it, and now they are refusing to continue engagement.

Really who can blame them?

Sil can apologise, she can stop behaving like a bully, she can start being a proper aunt to those children and get behind them for once.

She sounds like a battleaxe to me, and the children have every right to stand up for themselves.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers.

I think she's right! I also think your kids need to be told to suck it up and go to the wedding. They have enjoyed a massive privilege, they don't get to be whiny and flounce out of a wedding when that's pointed out.

I have skimmed the posts on here but read your comments OP.

My first thought was. Can't blame your kids for their feelings.

However, from your first post
"Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education"

Why?
It's clear from your posts that this is a very sensitive subject for your SIL, her child is at a school she's not happy with and he's also being bullied and she's panicking about the next stage of his education and his chances.

Your posts are packed full of so much weighing and measuring of the various schools, the religion, the drama teacher teaching English, the grades etc etc...all the ins and outs of the education system, also (perhaps without you realising it) you attribute your own children's achievements to their better schooling.

Perhaps you don't realise how that comes across. It must have been painful for the SIL to listen to. What she said wasn't ideal, but it sounds like said it after considerable conversation about the changes in the education system which are making state sixth forms more competitive and therefore harder for her son than they would have been previously. It's not that surprising at all that your SIL reacted the way she did. This is a touchpaper subject for her and it would have been better to avoid it altogether rather than labour the point.

I think it would be harsh to add a refusal to attend her wedding. People forget conversations which didn't go their way eventually, but it's harder to forget close relatives not turning to up to a wedding.

Ah, such a tricky conversation.

Young people can be a bit black and white about this stuff and not realise that what they're saying can cause offence or upset.

To be honest it sounds a bit entitled and braggy of your son to be saying 50%+ of his school will be getting into the better college. It's then struck a nerve for your SIL because she's so worried about her own sons prospects. It might have come as a shock to her, and so she's responded in haste with an off the cuff opinion.

Your kids won't be sophisticated enough to realise that in the race for opportunity and resources, private school buys you an advantage. And obviously parents are paying significant amounts of money exactly for that reason.

I get that your kids might feel hurt, but a bit of empathy - which you obviously feel yourself - wouldn't go amiss.

It's not at all that she wants your kids to suffer, it's because she's feeling the inherent unfairness. We all know deep down that life's not fair, but having your nose rubbed in it by a teenager is tough.

You've done a great job of putting across a very balanced picture of the argument to us. Why not try to talk to your teens once the dust has settled? I applaid your emotional intelligence on this one. Well done for not being 100% polarised!

It's not you your SIl should be angry at, or the children. The children should not be angry at your SIL for worrying about her child's future. She went about it wrong, but it comes from a place of pure panic and anxiety for her child - It's misdirected anger.

You should all be angry at the Government and the school's themselves for pitting children and parents against one another like this. They have created this situation and forced you into being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You are all trying to make the best out of a bad situation. On the other hand - Ask SIL if she wants to pay the increased fees for your child, if she's that concerned about her own.

You all need to be rallying and raging against the people whom have created this situation - Not at each other. You need to tell your children and SIL this.

you need to play the peacemaker here and make the kids go. can you imagine how sad all the family will be not just the aunt if they are a no show ? and the couples friends ? i get both sides of course i do but this is life and your kids will look very spoilt brats if you allow them there way. i’m sorry what a mess.

Can't you just sit your kids down and explain that the main reason she's made a big thing of it, is because she's worried about her own child. Ask them if they've ever said things in temper that they later wish they hadn't, and then point out that this is probably how their Aunt is feeling now, and it's best to just let it go, and not take it personally.

HRTFT . I totally understand where your SIL is coming from but if there were no private schools at all it would even harder to get into secondary school/sixth form as numbers would be much higher

Why? Why is playing ‘peacemaker’ with the in laws more important than supporting her husband and children who aren’t inclined to tolerate SIL being a dick to them?

If anyone is sad they can lay the blame for that at the feet of SIL, where it belongs. If anyone thinks them not wanting to do something for someone that treats them badly makes them ‘spoilt brats’ then oh fucking well. That isn’t inherently something that needs to concern them.

That isn’t their problem. SIL’s stresses don’t justify her lashing out, for years, at OP and her husband. They don’t justify her lashing out at her niece and nephew. She’s entitled to her feelings but it’s up to her to manage them. They don’t give her free rein to be a dick, and no one on the receiving end of her choosing to be one is obliged to forgive her or want to be around her.

Thank you to everyone who commented. There have been some very interesting perspectives which have challenged me (and some frankly mad people projecting all sorts of of batshittery but these were in the minority!...)

I spoke with the kids last night. I acknowledge I have dropped the ball a bit- by not talking to them about privilege and the different educations they are getting compared to their cousin I'd not done my job as a parent. I did lay it out- told them that their cohort applying to the good state school could very mess up the opportunities for some other young people who haven't been as privileged, and frankly it wasn't fair. However we're not asking them solve the mess that is education in the country, but they must understand that while their aunt crossed a line it came from a place of enormous worry about her son- their cousin who they love.

I also said that I was disappointed in them for saying they'd drop out of the wedding and there was no way they were doing that. This baffled them for a minute until they remembered what they'd said- apparently it was all hot air and they were always definitely going so I worried unnecessarily, which was the whole point of the original post.

SIL has texted apologising -kind of. She said she obviously wants our kids to be happy but admitted that if our son gets in and hers doesn't she'll find it hugely difficult. I texted back that I totally understood and I'd feel the same in her position which I don't think she was expecting, so she called me and we had an awkward talk. Things aren't good with nephew which is hugely upsetting.

My MIL called to check on us and I did talk her through everything. I think SIL hasn't been entirely honest with her parents about the struggles my nephew has had and MIL was genuinely surprised that he perhaps wouldn't get the necessary grades as she'd always thought of him as the "clever one". Bit of a wake up call for her here about educational inequality. Someone asked unthread why PIL never paid for nephew (they got shouted, but in fact it's something I've always thought.) I think MIL may do something if nephew doesn't get in. I'll be interested to see what SIL does in this case, but genuine wouldn't judge her. Principles are fine until your child is suffering.

So we're sort of in the same position we were with a lot more awkwardness but some better understanding.

I think thanks to your calm thoughtfulness, things are in a much better place now.

This, I can't believe you have more sympathy for her than understanding for your own kids. If a stranger or anyone else said this to them you would support them, so why hold other people to a higher standard than family.

The first step if anything is speaking to SIL and asking her to apologise. If she really doesn't want to, then are you really going to force your kids to do something when they have been insulted so badly.
Using 'stress' before a wedding is a poor excuse as well. She's an adult with an almost adult child - she should know how to behave better.

I am just staggered you said you were ‘disappointed’ in your own children. What have I just read?! 😱
Your poor kids. That’s all I am saying.

@Savingthehedgehogs Me too!

The expectations on the thread that these young kids needed to have so much understanding, foresight in how they spoke and reacted and being insulted when they stood up for themselves YET this wasn't expected of a big grown woman who should have know better. She was taking out her ADULT stresses on children and that's ok with everyone.

I think it’s wild that making excuses for your SIL was more important to you than the feelings of your own children. They aren’t obliged to react kindly to someone that sees fit to treat them badly, that has seen fit to treat you badly, because they go to private school. It baffles me that you think their reaction is something to be disappointed in.

Your children don’t owe anyone an apology for their education. They don’t owe your SIL compensation by way of allowing her to treat them in this way.

Tbh it seems you have your own hang ups about choosing private school for your children after your own experience in state school, and that you think you and they have to accept ‘punishment’ for daring to go private.

It’s astonishing as it is damaging.

Sil berates, embarrasses and shames op’s children and op tells her children she is disappointed in them!

The first and only attempt at standing up to this bullying adult, and their own mother takes them down.

I would never have allowed this behaviour to have happened in the first place. Sil now has free rein to become even worse now, and op will happily serve up her own children as fodder. Jesus Christ. Poor kids.

The op has handked ut perfectly, the kids were in the wrong

How would you have stopped this behaviour, gagged the sil?

We would have left!

That all sounds very positive, op.