Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

[comfortablynumber]

My sister in law is getting married in 3 weeks. My daughter is a bridesmaid and my son is an usher. However we’ve all just had a huge row and now my children don’t particularly want to go either. Looking for advice.

Both my kids are in private school. Daughter year 10, son year 11. SIL very much disapproves of our choice. She also has a child in year 11. Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education. We’re not pulling the kids out of school during GCSEs but the fee increase is too much long term. The plan therefore is for them to complete their GCSEs in their current school and hopefully then get a place at the excellent local state school for 6th form. The local school is C of E which is why we couldn’t get in for senior school (I have some thoughts about that, but that’s another thread!) However for 6th form current pupils just have to achieve high GCSEs and new pupils very high GCSEs. They make offers to new pupils based on school predicted grades and the number of applicants etc. Last year for example to get in for A level maths you needed to be predicted a min 7 as well as scoring highly in an exam the school set.

I thought SIL would be happy, but she lost her mind. It was triggered by a comment my son made- he said he was looking forward to going because it would be nice to go somewhere bigger, meet new people and because most of his friends from his current school were also applying. His current school is selective and high achieving. Son is predicted 7-9 in almost everything and most of his friends are the same. We’re talking a year group of 150 kids with at least 50+% now applying to the local school (previously I’d say 10-20% went after GCSEs). This will obviously massively increase the competition for the places they can offer to people who aren’t already pupils.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers. The thing is, that other than the great C of E school the other school options aren’t good at all (hence us going private.) Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better, and some of the other local schools don’t even offer things like further maths or A levels other than the basics.

DH (her brother) pointed out that the levelling up of state schools she thinks will happen when private schools lose pupils would take some time and there were bound to be issues initially, especially when lots more kids look to go to state schools for A levels in a few years. He’s been pissed off with her for years and pointed out that this is what she wanted. My son and daughter are very upset that their aunt seemingly doesn’t care that much about them.

I’m more sympathetic. Nephew has struggled in the school he’s currently in (also not able to get into C of E school) with low level bullying. He’s had 3 maths teachers in 18 months and his science teachers have been dreadful. The drama teacher is currently filling in in GCSE English lit for unknown reasons and it’s not going well. It’s all been a bit shit and I know they are hugely keen for him to go somewhere different for A level. However his predicted grades aren’t brilliant and he was always borderline as to whether he’d get in based on last years offers- the additional competition may well mess things up for him. SIL has been really upset about his school for a long time which is one of the reasons she’s been so cross about us going private. Apparently the local schools would have been better if the private school and the Cof E didn’t cream off the better pupils. She’s not wrong (don’t want this to be a thread about educational policy though) However my son and daughter are I think rightfully annoyed that she’d be happy to send them there!

It all got very fraught until my MIL nearly burst into tears and people calmed down. However the children are now saying they don’t want to be in her wedding. This is my problem- do I tell them to suck it up (outfits bought, far to late in the day to drop out, not doing it would cause possibly unrecoverable family strife, they love their cousin and my SIL when she’s not upset and speaking without thinking) or do I let them chose not to? They’re young and cross and I’m know they haven’t thought through the long term ramifications.

DH says we should leave them tonight but he’s not exactly impartial. I actually like SIL (despite being often and vocally judged) and think that everyone will end up regretting not going. I also think she’s a worried mother who is seeing the possibility of her child not getting a place somewhere he really wants to go. I’d be upset -and I am upset for nephew.
What do I do?

I would try and get the kids together for a day to themselves doing something nice soon.
And I would try and take my SIL out for a one-to-one girly lunch as a treat before the wedding.

This thread is bonkers with so many people criticising a 15 year old just for chatting about school at his grandparent’s dinner table, yet sticking up for a woman who chose to make her nephew’s normal conversation into a political debate about private education and make a personal dig. Reverse snobbery must be so ingrained in some people that they can’t think clearly after hearing the words ‘private education’.

Kids talking about how their new school when they’re having dinner with extended family is so normal that it’s actually weird if it doesn’t happen. I think every family dinner we ever had with grandparents and aunts and uncles my children were asked about school. Right through from pre school to them getting their first jobs after graduation, especially when a new school is involved. I chat to my nieces and nephews about it every time they move up a year group. It’s just regular family chit chat, and not a reason why a 15 year old needs to be made to feel guilty because of his perceived privilege based on choices that he had no control over.

I completely agree that OP’s family should all go to the wedding but why should a 15 year old child be told they have to be the bigger person when they were jumped on by their aunt who, out of nowhere, began saying something that’s quite hurtful just because the aunt is going to be a bride in a couple of weeks.

This is an aunt that had choices. If she can afford a wedding she can afford private tuition to help her son. She should apologise for goading her nephew into asking what he did, and then for giving a hurtful answer.

I think you may be right!!!

Incidents like this remind me it is good in life to keep distance from others, even those closest to you that you should have unconditional bonds with. Shame really.

It was an immature thing for SIL to say to teenagers.
I think someone said upthread, let it blow over but it is an opportunity to show your kids they can turn the other cheek and let it go. A wider rift will only follow if they pull out.

Also, someone said, if they decide not to go then it is your husband's responsibility to deal with this, not you at all.

I'd go to the wedding and I would know that when it was done, I'd make sure all my conversations were more guarded and neutral in future. This is because what SIL is very volatile and I wouldn't want much more of it in my life.

@SometimesCalmPerson "perceived privilege". Clearly OPs son is privileged, although, that per se is not of course his fault.

In the short term, problems, yes. But in the long term, fewer families will be able to afford private schools (including OPs), and will use the state sector, leading to a less divisive society and more pushy parents (in the better sense) like OP in the state sector, benefitting all, and especially those in the same schools but without such pushy parents. No offence meant OP!!!

I’m so glad that what I said was helpful! I was in two minds about posting it, and now I’m glad I did. I was a very hot-headed and dogmatic teenager, and it’s taken me a long time to learn how to stand back and consider other perspectives. I wish someone had modelled that to me a bit more when I was younger.

Your kids may be privileged, but that isn’t something they need to apologize for, and nor do they need to accept poor treatment based on them being privileged.

At their age they will have opinions independent of yours, and you can’t make them adopt your more sympathetic viewpoint. Trying to force it could very well backfire tbh.

Sounds like you will end up in court to force the sale tbh.

I didn't know what family or friend support you have that could help stage the house etc.

This exactly. Going by OPs opening post, her daughter wasn't even part of the exchange but ended up upset. By OP's own words "My son and daughter are very upset that their aunt seemingly doesn’t care that much about them."
I think there was probably a bit more said for DD to also be upset to the extent that she no longer wants to participate in the wedding.
SIL should be apologising to OPs children for her unnecessary outburst and I doubt that the children will have much regard for their aunt in future. The relationship is already damaged. I certainly wouldn't be "forcing" their attendance - that could backfire quite badly.

Do you think VAT on schools was the deciding factor in the election ?

Life isn’t as simple as private school equals privilege and state school equals not privileged.

He went to a school that is likely to have smaller class sizes and nicer facilities than the local comp. That’s it. All children get an education and some state schools are great. Plenty of state school children are privileged. Private school doesn’t make children immune to many of the harsher sides of life and they can still experience disadvantages that many state children don’t experience.

The nephew here has exactly the same amount of privilege as the aunt, except he is a child and she is not.

As for people saying you can’t force them to go to the wedding, erm yep, they would be going simple as that, they are hormonal teenagers that get upset over just being called for dinner some days!

when did we start letting teenagers dictate such important things, yes they can have their opinion on something but like it or lump it sometime you have to override them.

not knowing your family dynamics, but I’d say you’re close for them to be involved in the wedding in the first place. Them not going would be a slap in the face of your SIL,

The same aim could have been achieved in the long term without punishing current private school pupils. It is wrong to wage class war on children. Stick vat on new admissions, if they must, but leave current children alone.

I think getting rid of the tories was, but labour seixmsed this because they had next to nothing interesting way of policy and everyone so riled up that it was a diversionary tactic from the school of Trump.

How exactly? Physically force them into the car and frogmarch them up the aisle, presumably gagged?

Firstly...nerves are fraught right now. Don't do anything

But do talk to your children about how difficult school life has been for their cousin and how its understandable she feels that way. Shes just worried for her sons future

Let the dust settle then ask her round for a coffee. You dont need to rehash anything. Just give her a hug and state we just both want the best for our children.

And move the conversation on. Talk about the wedding

Your children should go. They're a big part of it and they also need to understand that other kids have it tougher.

They should also understand that other kids having it tougher isn’t their doing, and that they don’t need to accept ill treatment. SIL may be stressed and upset over her son’s situation, but she’s still responsible for her own actions as well as the resulting consequences.

You’re the adult here, act like it. They are children and should do well as they are told.

as long as your not harming them like*

By doing what? Threatening and blustering?

Depending on how strongly they feel, it’s not something they can be made to do.

This!

Plus your SIL has a very valid view & is understandably worried about her DS so try to teach your DCs some empathy & to appreciate the massive privilege and advantage they've been given.

This is about the OP’s family, not other families.

Yeah, no. They don’t have to apologize for their privilege and education or beg pardon for having the temerity to have it. The SIL’s stresses don’t entitle her to lash out. make shitty comments to them and expect those on the receiving end to suck it up and take it, either.

If you had read correctly. The sil son doesn't go to proffered COE school either so she really has no argument .They just all want there own children to go there 6th form it's a case of who gets best results gets in. It looks like nephew was never a candidate going on past results anyway .sil can moan if she likes but if her son is not clever enough he isn't end of story

It’s not about apologising for it though is it - it’s about recognising their privilege and how much of an advantage it gives them and how much it disadvantages others, including their “favourite” cousin. For a 15 y/o who is apparently very smart, he’s also very ignorant.