Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

[comfortablynumber]

My sister in law is getting married in 3 weeks. My daughter is a bridesmaid and my son is an usher. However we’ve all just had a huge row and now my children don’t particularly want to go either. Looking for advice.

Both my kids are in private school. Daughter year 10, son year 11. SIL very much disapproves of our choice. She also has a child in year 11. Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education. We’re not pulling the kids out of school during GCSEs but the fee increase is too much long term. The plan therefore is for them to complete their GCSEs in their current school and hopefully then get a place at the excellent local state school for 6th form. The local school is C of E which is why we couldn’t get in for senior school (I have some thoughts about that, but that’s another thread!) However for 6th form current pupils just have to achieve high GCSEs and new pupils very high GCSEs. They make offers to new pupils based on school predicted grades and the number of applicants etc. Last year for example to get in for A level maths you needed to be predicted a min 7 as well as scoring highly in an exam the school set.

I thought SIL would be happy, but she lost her mind. It was triggered by a comment my son made- he said he was looking forward to going because it would be nice to go somewhere bigger, meet new people and because most of his friends from his current school were also applying. His current school is selective and high achieving. Son is predicted 7-9 in almost everything and most of his friends are the same. We’re talking a year group of 150 kids with at least 50+% now applying to the local school (previously I’d say 10-20% went after GCSEs). This will obviously massively increase the competition for the places they can offer to people who aren’t already pupils.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers. The thing is, that other than the great C of E school the other school options aren’t good at all (hence us going private.) Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better, and some of the other local schools don’t even offer things like further maths or A levels other than the basics.

DH (her brother) pointed out that the levelling up of state schools she thinks will happen when private schools lose pupils would take some time and there were bound to be issues initially, especially when lots more kids look to go to state schools for A levels in a few years. He’s been pissed off with her for years and pointed out that this is what she wanted. My son and daughter are very upset that their aunt seemingly doesn’t care that much about them.

I’m more sympathetic. Nephew has struggled in the school he’s currently in (also not able to get into C of E school) with low level bullying. He’s had 3 maths teachers in 18 months and his science teachers have been dreadful. The drama teacher is currently filling in in GCSE English lit for unknown reasons and it’s not going well. It’s all been a bit shit and I know they are hugely keen for him to go somewhere different for A level. However his predicted grades aren’t brilliant and he was always borderline as to whether he’d get in based on last years offers- the additional competition may well mess things up for him. SIL has been really upset about his school for a long time which is one of the reasons she’s been so cross about us going private. Apparently the local schools would have been better if the private school and the Cof E didn’t cream off the better pupils. She’s not wrong (don’t want this to be a thread about educational policy though) However my son and daughter are I think rightfully annoyed that she’d be happy to send them there!

It all got very fraught until my MIL nearly burst into tears and people calmed down. However the children are now saying they don’t want to be in her wedding. This is my problem- do I tell them to suck it up (outfits bought, far to late in the day to drop out, not doing it would cause possibly unrecoverable family strife, they love their cousin and my SIL when she’s not upset and speaking without thinking) or do I let them chose not to? They’re young and cross and I’m know they haven’t thought through the long term ramifications.

DH says we should leave them tonight but he’s not exactly impartial. I actually like SIL (despite being often and vocally judged) and think that everyone will end up regretting not going. I also think she’s a worried mother who is seeing the possibility of her child not getting a place somewhere he really wants to go. I’d be upset -and I am upset for nephew.
What do I do?

@comfortablynumber just wanted to say that it's nice to see somebody ask a question and then take the comments on board without getting defensive! Kudos to you.

I hope you can sort it. Don't fall out with family over this.

Cynically I have concluded that the VAT on fees was to fire up the party and stoke division. Really can’t see any benefit to state schools for at least a generation. I’ve yet to see any plan for improving our state schools other than “more teachers” which is very a empty plan.

Tearing a page from the American political playbook! Stoke hate.

I was talking about how to do exams which I DEFINITELY was taught at my non private school.

I don't understand this fashion for letting arguments result in decades of acrimony. What's the point? Just go to the wedding. Your kids are quite right to resent their aunt's attitude, but you don't bin a wedding over a disagreement that is really quite complicated and does have more than one angle.

Really? I know some who are divorced, even widowed, but popping out kids unmarried? Must be massively progressive muslims you know. The ones I know would be horrified if their daughters did this.

He is young though @sandyhappypeople.
I very much suspect he hadn't thought things through fully.

@Katiesaidthat But we don't know if she is unmarried, only that she is a single parent. She could be unmarried, or divorced, or widowed. And some Muslims do have children as unmarried mothers - either because they lapse and then come back, or maybe because they convert.
Anyone, the point was not that SIL might really be Muslim, which doesn't seem likely, but that pretending to be CofE wasn't an option for everyone, and this was just one example of why.

I agree with that entirely, which is exactly why he shouldn't be boycotting the wedding and OP shouldn't be entertaining the idea in the slightest. He has chosen to goad someone then chosen to be offended by something which he doesn't fully understand the nuance of.

He's got all this privilege but not one iota of self awareness as to what his words actually meant with regards to his cousin, typical teenager, but ruining the wedding is a step too far in my book.. and shows how entitled he thinks he is.

I'd agree but the school in question is highly sought after because the GCSE grades are so high.

The fact is your children will benefit less from the school place than their nephew. They will already have 11 years of good education behind them. Whatever happens to them next they have a huge headstart.
Their nephew will be negatively affected more by attending a lower quality school than your children will be, because not only does he not have a headstart he's not even on starting line, his shoes are falling apart and some other kid is eyeing up his entry place.
The Haves get more and the Havenots miss out again.
Their aunt doesn't want them to have less, she wants her son to have a chance at having the equivalent. These systems are unfair and your children will need to have some awareness of where they fit into the world for self awareness and because they will encounter people who will view them less favourably because of what they see them as representing and cutting off those who disagree isn't a great strategy.

Aside from the fact that you're wilfully missing the point, the misogyny is dripping from this post. "Popping out kids unmarried" indeed.

it's not worth dropping out of her wedding three weeks beforehand, is it? it was a disagreement which while heated does not sound life or death. i dont think it was your son's fault for talking about his school plans but he obviously stepped on a land mine and touched a very sore spot of your SIL's with his comments. she went too far and shouldn't have argued with the children but it was borne from a place of being upset at the disparity between the lives and opportunities of the 3 close cousins, not because she doesn't love your children. i would remind them that she does love them but she is sad for her own son and the struggles he faces.

What a load of crap

I don't think anyone has focused on the effect on the MIL and how devastated she'll be to see her family torn apart at this crucial time. She's likely to be in her '70's if not older. The children are at a borderline age to make these decisions themselves but not going to the wedding leaves them open to lifelong regrets when they become old enough to fully appreciate the ?cruelty (probably not to strong a word) of tearing the family apart along with help from some of the adults of course.

How is it not hugely unfair to have to leave a school you have thrived at because of a massive fee increase that op could not have forseen when starting the school? Even if op did choose it, it is not the choice of the children. They have been forced out of a school. That is not fair on any child, regardless of the reason.

Wow OP your SIL is right .
There is an air of entitlement around you that’s sticking to your kids. Not becoming

This is unfair. OP has always seemed very reasonable and moderate, and very sympathetic to SIL. And I've disagreed with a heck of a lot here, and totally with the decision to send her kids private, but I don't think OP has an air of entitlement. Her son, on the other hand.....let's just say definitely not old or mature enough to be making decisions about going to family weddings and the implications of that.

I would be sad if my kids were this pig headed

I agree. Her argument is with the C of E school’s admission policy, not a teenager. It was a bit rude of him to get into an argument with her so fault on both sides I think.

I have two Muslim single mother friends - one went it alone as she had no partner and wanting to have kids, one had a DP but not married and they split up when kid was young...
it's almost as if you can't make assumptions based on someone's religion, perceived religion, or their parents religion...

There any multiple inequalities in the education system - insufficient good state schools, selection by house price, selective entry into the top sixth forms.

None of these inequalities are the fault of an individual child, and no child should feel like they need to sacrifice their own opportunities for the sake of their peers. That is one for the grown-ups to sort out.

Your nephew goes to the "best of a bad bunch", making him give up a place at the good sixth form to make way for a child from the worse schools of the bunch would be ridiculous. Your son's position isn't really different. Your SIL needs to stop expecting solutions to systemic problems to come from individual teenagers. No adult would deliberately choose a worse school for their child (and your SIL clearly chose the best school that she was able to), why is a 15 year old being pressured to do so for himself?

Not sure anyone's 'pressuring him', he's taking unnecessary offense, having brought up a thorny issue

Some on here are being a little unfair to OP’s son. After all, he was told by his Aunt that, being no longer able to attend his current school for no fault of his own, he shouldn’t have access to the best education in the area. I would be a little upset as an adult to hear that, let alone as a hormonal teenager.

Seems to be a myth that privately educated children magically seem to achieve the grades they do, just by setting foot through the door of the school.

My child is not quite GCSE age yet but I can see a significant difference in the effort put into revision/exam preparation between those at our closest private school and the local state school. Appreciate this is linked to privilege but I know of children at the village high school who have achieved highly haven taken this approach.

Truth is it’s a bit shit for everyone. State schools not being up to scratch is the fault of government policy/funding. Children forced to leave their schools after the VAT hits shouldn’t be punished, nor should those already in the system.

You should all go to the wedding though.

You sound really level-headed, OP and I think that you'll be able to smooth things over. Your children are privileged and for them to understand that is no bad thing, it will help them in future relationships with peers and family alike.

I hope that the wedding goes well and that by the time that comes around, everyone's all smiles again. Families, eh?

I really do not believe that they cannot see how this policy will damage state schools and pupils. Not for one second. But it did stir up enough class hatred to get them elected and has distracted everyone, so I would say mission accomplished.