Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

[comfortablynumber]

My sister in law is getting married in 3 weeks. My daughter is a bridesmaid and my son is an usher. However we’ve all just had a huge row and now my children don’t particularly want to go either. Looking for advice.

Both my kids are in private school. Daughter year 10, son year 11. SIL very much disapproves of our choice. She also has a child in year 11. Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education. We’re not pulling the kids out of school during GCSEs but the fee increase is too much long term. The plan therefore is for them to complete their GCSEs in their current school and hopefully then get a place at the excellent local state school for 6th form. The local school is C of E which is why we couldn’t get in for senior school (I have some thoughts about that, but that’s another thread!) However for 6th form current pupils just have to achieve high GCSEs and new pupils very high GCSEs. They make offers to new pupils based on school predicted grades and the number of applicants etc. Last year for example to get in for A level maths you needed to be predicted a min 7 as well as scoring highly in an exam the school set.

I thought SIL would be happy, but she lost her mind. It was triggered by a comment my son made- he said he was looking forward to going because it would be nice to go somewhere bigger, meet new people and because most of his friends from his current school were also applying. His current school is selective and high achieving. Son is predicted 7-9 in almost everything and most of his friends are the same. We’re talking a year group of 150 kids with at least 50+% now applying to the local school (previously I’d say 10-20% went after GCSEs). This will obviously massively increase the competition for the places they can offer to people who aren’t already pupils.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers. The thing is, that other than the great C of E school the other school options aren’t good at all (hence us going private.) Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better, and some of the other local schools don’t even offer things like further maths or A levels other than the basics.

DH (her brother) pointed out that the levelling up of state schools she thinks will happen when private schools lose pupils would take some time and there were bound to be issues initially, especially when lots more kids look to go to state schools for A levels in a few years. He’s been pissed off with her for years and pointed out that this is what she wanted. My son and daughter are very upset that their aunt seemingly doesn’t care that much about them.

I’m more sympathetic. Nephew has struggled in the school he’s currently in (also not able to get into C of E school) with low level bullying. He’s had 3 maths teachers in 18 months and his science teachers have been dreadful. The drama teacher is currently filling in in GCSE English lit for unknown reasons and it’s not going well. It’s all been a bit shit and I know they are hugely keen for him to go somewhere different for A level. However his predicted grades aren’t brilliant and he was always borderline as to whether he’d get in based on last years offers- the additional competition may well mess things up for him. SIL has been really upset about his school for a long time which is one of the reasons she’s been so cross about us going private. Apparently the local schools would have been better if the private school and the Cof E didn’t cream off the better pupils. She’s not wrong (don’t want this to be a thread about educational policy though) However my son and daughter are I think rightfully annoyed that she’d be happy to send them there!

It all got very fraught until my MIL nearly burst into tears and people calmed down. However the children are now saying they don’t want to be in her wedding. This is my problem- do I tell them to suck it up (outfits bought, far to late in the day to drop out, not doing it would cause possibly unrecoverable family strife, they love their cousin and my SIL when she’s not upset and speaking without thinking) or do I let them chose not to? They’re young and cross and I’m know they haven’t thought through the long term ramifications.

DH says we should leave them tonight but he’s not exactly impartial. I actually like SIL (despite being often and vocally judged) and think that everyone will end up regretting not going. I also think she’s a worried mother who is seeing the possibility of her child not getting a place somewhere he really wants to go. I’d be upset -and I am upset for nephew.
What do I do?

He didn't say anything about where his cousin should go. He talked about the school he wanted to apply for. What does a 15 yo have to talk about other than their plans and their school? I suppose they shouldn't talk about career options either because there might be someone around who doesn't have the same chances to get into one of those jobs as them.

Oh! I read that a while ago. Good idea.

that's not what happened

I wasn't educated privately and my school taught me this.

Putting aside the rights and wrongs of the argument, I would let things settle for a couple of days and then talk to your children.
I would tell them that it's unfortunate that the disagreement turned personal but that your SIL does care about them and is just stressed and worried about their cousin who is in a school where there have been a lot of problems that might affect his results. She is also probably stressed with organising the wedding.
I would tell them that you expect them to be at the wedding as not going now will upset their Grandma and cousins as well as their aunt and is an overreaction.
It sounds as if you normally get on with your SIL and as someone said earlier it would be better not to turn this storm into a hurricane which would be destructive to all the family relationships.
I strongly disagree with the poster who is telling you to respect their autonomy-you don't want them to grow up to take the nuclear response to every disagreement.

I don't think SIL exactly told your DC that they deserve less. I understood her to say that they already have gained an advantage from their private schooling which would see them through the difficulties of a less good sixth form. You could try explaining to your DC that their aunt is scared about her child's prospects and feeling powerless because she couldn't afford a private education for him. You could add that you all love each other really and they won't enjoy looking back and remembering that they saddened her wedding day by not being there.

The right attitude, I can see her point though.

If you think what you experienced is the same as the coaching in private education you are very sadly misled.

Perhaps see if you can leave it until the end of the week (no later I suggest) and if your DC still feel the same. Suggestions made about how to speak with them are good ones I think.

Not that simple if, for example, she's a devout Muslim though is it.

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking!

Of course some kids are more privileged than others. That is life. She chose actively to spoil a family dinner by acting up and airing her views in front of children. It is not your kids’ fault they have had better chances and it doesn’t sound like they were rude or entitled. They simply stated their sixth form plans and she kicked off. Why should they tiptoe round her?

She’s unmarried with teenage kids
She wants her child to go to a Christian school
She didn’t mention Islam.

while not absolute, these indicate that your suggestion that she is a devout Muslim is incorrect.

‘It is a good opportunity for you to model this to your dc for them to learn from it.’

this - your children need to understand that you can vehemently disagree on certain topics and still be friend with someone. And as for with family - well, you’re sort of stuck with them.

They also aren’t going to get very far in the real world if they want to play being at being ‘victims’ because of their privilege…

The nephew should have kept to safer topics

How do you know? Have you attended every private school and every state school? The comprehensive near me taught GCSE English lit students how to pick out the key words in the question to identify what kind of question it was and then choose one of 5 pre-memorised essays to write out verbatim. A good part of Year 11 was spent on perfecting the essays and memorising them. My friend admitted to me that she hadn't actually read the book, just watched the movie and read a few excerpts they'd read in class.

That sounds a lot like coaching to the exam to me, whereas at the private school I went to, we were expected to turn up on the first day of Year 10 having read the book and ready to answer questions on it. We spent to two years picking apart the text and analysing it and then had to go into the exam and use what we'd been taught to come up with a good answer.

Muslims can be single parents.

You're missing my point though. It's not just the case of holding their nose and showing up at church for every family - people have different faiths, no faith, moral oppositions to religious schooling etc. Presumably the SIL would have done exactly that if it was an option for her.

School is a big subject for a teenager. It’s hardly the euthanasia debate. It’s pretty much their entire lives. And most normal people are able to talk about school without a grown adult having a hissy fit. If she didn’t like it, she had the option to change the subject or ask her nephew what he is doing at school at the moment, what his weekend plans are, a whole range of reactions other than what she did.

This is wrong. Our DC go to a private school because we live in a beautiful but v deprived area and the state schools are shocking.

There are other less divisive subjects than education. He needs to learn to read the room.

As you know already- your children need to go to this wedding OP.

Does SIL disapprove of your choice to educate your children privately due to an ideological viewpoint or because she can't afford it?

It does seem unfair that loads of 6th form places will be taken up by children who have had all the advantages of private education. Would the issues that your nephew has experienced be taken into account by the school when making a decision whether to offer him a place?

As an English teacher I would say that's an example of appalling teaching in a state school. That gave them no critical skills and would not stand them in good stead at A-level or to go to university. They were being coached to pass the exam perhaps, but not coached in the sense the poster meant. That's an example of a school doing students a real disservice.

It was personal because she was relating it to her neice and nephews education plans. Adults shouldn't have have a go about this stuff to kids.

OP has said a few times that’s she sympathetic to all this. The issue is the argument and the wedding attendance as a result.

Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere.

To be honest I think your son was really goady here, he knows full well why she is annoyed about the influx of privately educated children now wanting to go into the locals schools, and what effect that is having on children like hers who have struggled without the benefit of a private education. It's not because she thinks he should go to a shit school at all, but that would potentially be the outcome if she had her way with a system which makes it fairer for kids like hers, so she can't deny that.

It's the same as her saying 'so you think my child should go somewhere not great for their A levels, because he hasn't had the benefit of a private education and all the places should now only be reserved for higher achievers who have paid to get where they are' He thinks the places should be reserved for higher achievers, so by association he thinks her son doesn't deserve a place, but she hasn't made him say that.. because it IS goady and she knows that is not a true reflection of his feelings.

She was being honest about her feelings on a subject which is effecting people less fortunate, and he was being entitled and goady by making it into a personal argument rather than a general discussion.. he's being massively unreasonable to boycott the wedding over it. This school situation is really divisive.. but he's in a position of priveledge to have had the opportunities he has had, he should not be using that entitlement to argue that her son should be happy with the shitty end of the stick.