Drunk friend so nasty

[Peppermilk24]

I met with a group of friends last night to celebrate a milestone birthday for one of them. One of the group got extremely drunk - this is quite usual for this person - however last night I was shocked at the sheer excess of it. 2 bottles of wine downed in under 1.5 hours and this person became so so nasty and belligerent. She has approached me previously with concerns about their drinking and I have tried to steer them towards help (Im not qualified in any way) all of which was ignored. Last night the level of horrible behaviour was shocking. shouting, nasty tone of voice, calling people out on things that happened in their relationships years ago, crying and then butting in on conversations going around her. I tried to speak to her twice and she ignored me completely (or perhaps couldnt hear me).

It was so sad as her partner was their with their adult children and other relatives of hers and I could see her children visibly wincing at one stage. I normally dont be in her company whilst she drinks but it was a friends bday and she had been invited along. My DH mentioned it to me on the way home in the cab. He was disgusted with her DH for not stepping in and trying to at least minimise the behaviour if he couldnt get her to go home.

She has divulged private information about some of our friends and her own family and said some really horrible things including trying to force a friend to talk about her husband who died last year from cancer and telling her she was being so selfish and self absorbed when she wouldnt as he was "my friend too".

She has called me this morning and I havent picked up. I know from another friend who was there last night that she has been on the phone this morning breezily saying what a great night it was, sore heads all around and that we all over did it. Im so livid with her I cant chat to her at the minute but part of me feels sorry for her as she clearly has a drink problem. Why do some alcoholics become so nasty, is the drink or is it that the are like this underneath and it just comes out with drink. DH is fuming also - he has known her as long as I have - and honestly he just says she is a liability at this stage. I feel guilty and angry and upset for her in each measures.

I dont know if I can be friends with her though as she isnt prepared to listen. She wont meet up with me 1-1 unless its in a bar, Ive suggested coffee, cinema etc and the one time she went for coffee with me she asked the guy if he could make Irish coffee. She was then angry that I wouldnt go to the pub next door. Ive spoken to her husband about my concerns and he says that he has spoken with her also to no avail. What do I do?

Tell her she's a nasty mouthed drunk and you don't want to go out with her again.

Just say what you’ve said here, and that you refuse to be around her when she drinks. You’re probably doing her a favour.

Yeah honestly I agree with this.

And if all of her friends do this, it will be a kick up the arse she might desperately need to sort herself out.

I had a friend like this years ago. She got so nasty whenever she drank. Always apologised the next day even though she didn't remember what she had done. I got sick of it eventually and just left a night out early when she started behaving that way. She left me a message the next day asking why I left. I didn't reply and haven't spoken to her since, don't need that in my life.

You can, and I think should, tell her in one of her sober moments that you don't enjoy socialising with her when she's drinking because she behaves unpleasantly, and that she doesn't seem able to socialise without a drink. And that it's obvious to everyone that she's an alcoholic who needs help, and that you hope she finds that help. Then leave her to it. You can't fix this for her.

Yes, don't just not speak to her: tell her why you don't want to be in her company.

If you and her other friends are honest with her and tell her how she behaves when she is drunk and that none of you want to be in her company when she is drinking then there is a chance she might realise she has to make changes in her life.

She is an alcoholic. It is an illness. Only she can do something about it. Being annoyed with her partner is not fair on him. It must be a nightmare for him to live with.

I had a friend like this, I no longer see her, her drinking and behaviour when she’s drunk are disgusting and I had too many nights ruined by her.

I told her many times her drinking was an issue, it didn’t change, she didn’t care how it affected those around her.

I just stopped going out when she was there and now haven’t seen her in years, I’ve heard her partner has since left her over her drinking too, it’s very sad but I couldn’t deal with it any more and I don’t regret my decision to drop her.

You could have been talking about my friend of 30 years. It felt somewhat acceptable in your teens but had a wake up call a few years ago after a night identical to yours. Either doesn't remember her behaviour or thinks an apology puts a line under it and its forgotton.Went no contact for a while, then only contact was regular WhatsApp. Five years later thought she might have changed so met for lunch. Don't ever be fooled. An alcoholic won't change. You have to create your boundaries as to what is acceptable. Have a distance friend from afar. We talk about life, holidays, partners, everything friends do, just not face to face and it works and I'm not dragged into her life of alcohol. Its her world, not mine. Best of luck. You'll work out what's right for you.

Honestly, there is nothing you personally can do. Your friend is an alcoholic, she may be a functioning one at that, but until she accepts she has a problem, there is nothing anyone can do. She is a nasty drunk, and sadly, some people are. I would say to her that she's a nasty, vicious drunk, who upsets her friends and embarrasses herself and her family when she drinks. You no longer wish to be in her company if she's drinking. You may lose her as a friend, so be prepared for that. However, you have to do what's right for you.

Yep, that's about the size of it!

It's this type of kick up the arse she needs.

She's a nasty, vicious drunk and noone should entertain putting up with this. I'm a believer in the concept of "in vino veritas" and thus doubt she's actually OK deep down sober, whatever the gloss she puts on.

This. I couldn't be arsed with that shit

including trying to force a friend to talk about her husband who died last year from cancer and telling her she was being so selfish and self absorbed when she wouldnt as he was "my friend too".

That is awful. Has someone told her she needs to apologise?

A drink problem doesn’t automatically come with saying nasty, selfish shit to your friends. This is your friend talking, not the alcohol. The alcohol is just making her say what she’s thinking, and she sounds like a horrible person.

It has honestly shocked me. I cant chat to her at the minute as I want to be calm when I speak to her and Im too angry at the minute for that. The friend who lost her husband has been offline all day as far as I can tell, she hasnt responded to my texts anyway.

There were people at the next table openly laughing at her she was making such a show of herself. She informed one of the guys with us that he was giving himself airs and graces by saying he had his own company as we all know he was a pen pusher. The thing is this guy does work an office job but he also has a side business - very successful at that - which originally started as a hobby and is now making as much for him as his day job. His wife told me last night that he has paid for drunk friend and her husband to have a meal with him and his wife on the company card!

My friend has alot of friends that seem to drink with her, no one seems to object. She is constantly falling, losing keys, phones, bags etc - it all just forgotten about.

In my experience, with close family, when there's alcohol issues like this, there is often an unpleasant personality type along with it. The drink may just unmask it.

I appreciate for many the drink is just medicating trauma or very difficult life experiences, but for me, every cruel angry drunk has traits associated with narcissism or sociopathy. I have a large extended family with multiple drunks.

I myself used to drink too much in my youth and disgrace myself falling about not know what I did. Not cruel but annoying.
Once you're a full blown adult this crap needs to stop.

I could have nothing to do with this person. I believe they are potential incredibly dangerous to ones well being, to your reputation if they talk shit or say things when drunk. I sound extreme but that would be the end of that one.

I believe that as well.
Alcohol doesn't change who you are. It shows who you are.

she gets very defensive when challenged about anything. Tends to avoid the person doing the challenging. My widowed friend is so gentle and hates confrontation so definitely wouldn't have said anything. Her DH needs to step up. I've tried to steer her before re help and she just shrugs it off. Hence why I don't meet up with her 1-1 anymore. I actually avoid outings in pubs if she is attending as I was always afraid of what happened last night happening. Im so so angry with her. Its selfish and nasty and just cruel. She has no doubt damaged her children as this behaviour has been happening for years.

My friend has alot of friends that seem to drink with her, no one seems to object. She is constantly falling, losing keys, phones, bags etc - it all just forgotten about.

Well if this is the case, she doesn't need you to be knocking around with does she - let her myriad friends put up with her. I feel you should tell her why you won't go out with her though. Just say you're sorry but you simply can't do it anymore, you've had enough evenings and outings spoiled and enough people upset by her horrible remarks.

Also, these nasty comments that she "can't remember" - none of this nonsense about the drink talking, it is her talking through the drink. As a teetotaller, I can recall several occasions when a drinker was rude to me and then the next day claimed that they didn't remember and that they didn't mean it. Of course they did - on all occasions they just confirmed an opinion about me or mine that I had suspected they had but hadn't been sure of until then. Fuckers.

I agree with all the comments suggesting to keep away from her from now on. Maybe once she starts to actually lose friends she will have to stop dismissing it as “We’ve all had a bit too much” or just standard drunken foolishness.

I can see your point re her husband but he has allowed his wife to act this way around their children throughout their childhood. Another friend of ours lives close by and stopped her children attending play dates as once she witness alcoholic friend being nasty to her (alcoholic friends) kids whilst drunk. Telling her son off for eating something from the fridge but in such a way as to humiliate him. Honestly, I can promise that if my DH was drinking like that in front of the kids and being horrible I would kick him out or leave - with my kids - myself. Her DH is neglectful allowing his children to have been subjected to that. They are adults now and from what I gather keep their distance. He has to take some responsibility for facilitating it albeit that she is ultimately responsible.

Well I agree with you he should have been protecting his children.

There's a huge amount of focus on her husband here and his responsibility.

If one were saying this about a wife we'd be in uproar to be fair.

She is responsible all on her own for being a bell end and much worse it seems. With her multiple issues ( she will definitely have loads of issues you probably aren't aware of), she will be drawn to someone who is either the same as her or an enabler. The husband is an enabler so just as ' toxic ' as the mate.

No more analysis needed. Cut the pair of them bloody loose.

I'm ashamed to say when I was younger I was a bad/emotional/angry drunk. I genuinely didn't always remember stuff but there was one occasion at a nye house party where I behaved horribly over something that had upset me and I was so ashamed that I resolved after that I would never let myself lose control like that again.

I still feel bad when I think about it. I am not in touch with a lot of the friends from when I was younger and imagine that is probably their enduring impression of me which is very sad. She needs to be told that she will ruin her friendships and radically change her behaviours around drinking/socialising.

I agree she is ultimately responsible but she’s clearly a raging alcoholic - he is t by all accounts. What he is though is a husband and father and he should have been taking steps to protect his children years ago. She didn’t become this way overnight.

There should be more drama's or soap stories with this sort of thing being shone a light on, amongst a load of other things, instead of the endless maverick detective murder ones. It might help people address it?