Drunk friend so nasty

[Peppermilk24]

I met with a group of friends last night to celebrate a milestone birthday for one of them. One of the group got extremely drunk - this is quite usual for this person - however last night I was shocked at the sheer excess of it. 2 bottles of wine downed in under 1.5 hours and this person became so so nasty and belligerent. She has approached me previously with concerns about their drinking and I have tried to steer them towards help (Im not qualified in any way) all of which was ignored. Last night the level of horrible behaviour was shocking. shouting, nasty tone of voice, calling people out on things that happened in their relationships years ago, crying and then butting in on conversations going around her. I tried to speak to her twice and she ignored me completely (or perhaps couldnt hear me).

It was so sad as her partner was their with their adult children and other relatives of hers and I could see her children visibly wincing at one stage. I normally dont be in her company whilst she drinks but it was a friends bday and she had been invited along. My DH mentioned it to me on the way home in the cab. He was disgusted with her DH for not stepping in and trying to at least minimise the behaviour if he couldnt get her to go home.

She has divulged private information about some of our friends and her own family and said some really horrible things including trying to force a friend to talk about her husband who died last year from cancer and telling her she was being so selfish and self absorbed when she wouldnt as he was "my friend too".

She has called me this morning and I havent picked up. I know from another friend who was there last night that she has been on the phone this morning breezily saying what a great night it was, sore heads all around and that we all over did it. Im so livid with her I cant chat to her at the minute but part of me feels sorry for her as she clearly has a drink problem. Why do some alcoholics become so nasty, is the drink or is it that the are like this underneath and it just comes out with drink. DH is fuming also - he has known her as long as I have - and honestly he just says she is a liability at this stage. I feel guilty and angry and upset for her in each measures.

I dont know if I can be friends with her though as she isnt prepared to listen. She wont meet up with me 1-1 unless its in a bar, Ive suggested coffee, cinema etc and the one time she went for coffee with me she asked the guy if he could make Irish coffee. She was then angry that I wouldnt go to the pub next door. Ive spoken to her husband about my concerns and he says that he has spoken with her also to no avail. What do I do?

@ThatBrickRaven I agree with that. It's weird behaviour from him. That would be enough to make me want that completely severed.

Totally agree - the thing is that tv sanitises things - it doesn’t show the gritty side. I have a particular contempt for nasty alcoholics - they are usually hiding their nastiness behind alcohol

How you have given her husband blame is inaccurate, you have must no understanding of alcoholism. you don’t know for a fact how hard he has tried or the fact that some days he will get a glimpse of the woman he loves before she again becomes this different person with alcohol in her system. You wouldn’t understand that when he sees her like that and behaving awfully that he can see that is only part of her, that there is so so much more to her than the mental illness and addiction she has assumed.
yes he could leave, yes he could have protected the kids, at what cost? That they would be with her without him as a buffer when sharing custody? They maybe could have ended up the same route as her without him between her and them.
People do their best and react to situations for the moment, it is so hard to tell what each decision will lead to in the future.

id like it to be known that I do acknowledge it is not alright for her to belittle or be horrible to people in the way she has been and how she spoke is not because she’s an alcoholic. It will be a reflection of how she is feeling, not that, that makes it okay. But yeah, there’s a lot of layers here and ultimately she can be pulled on what she said to people and told to stop but yeah the rest couldn’t be solved in a day or with one simple move from her or anyone else unfortunately

It's really not her dh's fault. Alcoholics are born manipulators and liars. What you are seeing out is probably worse at home. BUT that doesn't mean you should have to put up with her shit. Never meet her again in a food situation because if there's drink, she'll find it and I'm really sorry about the stuff she said. That's awful. She has a serious issue and only she can sort it. Her dh can't exactly stop her going can he and I can only imagine the responses if he physically blocked her.

Cece from my reading of it he is drinking with her ? I grew up in an alcoholic environment- there’s no excuse for another adult facilitating it. It’s damaging to children and can utterly destroy their lives. She can’t put her kids before drink so he should have.

Btw I’m not saying he’s at fault for her behaviour- she is- he’s at fault for going along with it - unless you grew up in a home with that going on you can’t imagine the damage it causes.

@Peppermilk24 I’d be done with her. I might (if I could bring myself to talk to her) ask
if she remembered harassing your widowed friend and whether she thought it was acceptable but no, she’s a liability.

Sounds like you went out with my mother...

I really wouldn't bother talking to her again. Ever. Whatever you do or try to say will get twisted and she'll be the victim who "just likes a drink/let her hair down once in a while".

The way my mother has behaved over the years, to me, proves that she is a nasty person through and through the alcohol just makes the mask slip.

I’ve had a close friend like this, only she wasn’t nasty, just a pita when she drank as she wanted you to drink with her and could be insulting to others and did things like fell through a window once. She’s now longer here (dead).

Getting an alcoholic to stay clean is very hard though if not nigh on impossible.

Sorry I hadn’t read he was drinking along with her, I must have missed this. I too have grown up in an alcoholic environment so I know there is complete lack of a black and white answers to what would be right in the situation, of which I’m sure you know. Like I said, he at present and during their childhood was a buffer for them, had they separated the mother would have got some type of custody as we all know, alcoholics are fabulous liars, therefore, there no longer would have been his input when the kids were with her, therefore maybe a much worse outcome.
there really is no way of winning! Damned if you stay, damned if you don’t!
she sounds horrid though and I do think for her friends, they don’t need to be in her company, don’t owe her anything so of course should be away like a shot when she is hateful - shit situation.

Her DH needs to step up ...he’s at fault for going along with it. As the ex-spouse of an alcoholic I would have hated to think people were putting the blame on me for my DH's drinking and subsequent vile behaviour. Unless you have lived with an alcoholic you have no idea how horrific it is. You can't control their drinking and leaving is an enormously difficult decision. If your spouse gets part custody, who protects your children then?

She has approached me previously with concerns about their drinking and I have tried to steer them towards help

who has approached you about whose drinking?

you can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking

Yeah - this. You’re amazing. Alcoholism is the never ending saga that controls all aspects of life, every corner of it. I do hope your life is free of addiction now!

I did live with an alcoholic - I’d rather my mum had left and taken her chances than have us living on egg shells with a raging alcoholic. I’m not digging at you but children need safety - protection. I don’t think anyone judges the spouse of an alcoholic for that alcoholics behaviour- the judgment is comes in when the sober parent doesn’t take steps to protect them.

an alcohol puts their needs first - children need an adult who chooses them.

I’d probably factually and unemotionally list everything she said and say that you don’t feel you can be friends anymore, her unkindness doesn’t sit comfortably with you.

@CeCeDrake yes thank you. He is long gone.

My dad was like this. It’s horrendous to have in a family member. The only way to deal with people like this is to be absolutely hardline in insisting you won’t be around it.

I told him when I was in my twenties that I would not be in the same room as him if he drank more than two units of alcohol. He kicked off and accused me of being controlling etc but he stuck to it when I was there.

You can control it. All you can do is refuse to participate in and enable it. That takes the pressure off you and ultimately sends a stronger message.

OP, she sounds like a monster and I just wouldn't be arsed with her anymore. You don't need to do anything about it, just don't spend time with her. She only even wants to get pissed and she's a dick when she drinks so leave her to it.

Send her a text spelling out exactly how angry and upset you are, hold nothing back.

Tell her she's an out if control alcoholic and you will not socialise with her around any alcohol in future - or at all if that's how you feel.

She needs to realise she has an addiction and needs professional help to quit drinking.

She won't come to this realisation until and unless people tell her the truth about her appalling pissed behaviours.

She has - sorry my grammar was shocking in the post you referenced. She approached me and said she was struggling with her alcohol intake and I suggested she speak to her GP/AA/Counsellor about it. There is help out there, the thing is I dont think she really wants to stop drinking. What she wants is to drink and have no one comment on her behaviour or take offence to it.

Tell her. She already knows but needs to hear it.

Of course that's what she wants - everyone around her to collude in her Denial.

Please don't go along with it. By all means walk away and have no contact at all, no-one in the world should blame you. If you DO want her to get better so your friendship has a chance of continuing please stop the collusion and tell her the hard truth.

Thanks all for your responses. Friends DH contacted my DH last night all quite jovial and asking how he was, how did he find the night and my DH laid it all out for him. Basically said that he was uncomfortable with drunk friends behaviour, that we are avoiding being around her with drink as it is awful and distressing. He challenged him on her treatment of our widowed friend and asked him did he condone what had happened. He started trying to bluster that she had had a hard week etc and then my DH lost it. He said she must have been having a hard week for years and that he was a disgrace for enabling her alcoholism. Her DH told my husband he would speak to him when he had calmed down. Have you ever?!

She left a crying voicemail for me after this call complaining about my DH. I literally cant speak to the woman for anger. My other friends have been in touch via separate group chat asking what we should do as apparently she has left similar messages for them. She is due to meet one of the other ladies for lunch today (if she's in any fit state to go as from her vmail she was drunk again yesterday) and this lady has said she will go armed with leaflets and some information on local AA groups. If she wont accept help then she will be on her own.

I have heard some other stories from that night and the nastiness is unreal. Commenting on peoples mental health and "pill popping" (antidepressants), their autistic child, how much money they have. Its like every nasty thought she has ever had came out.

I'm sad and angry and worried but we can only offer help and hope that its accepted.

Thank you all for your help and comments.

Where you say here ‘he has allowed his wife to act this way’ I think you’re still shifting the responsibility entirely onto the wrong person. My father is an alcoholic. It was not my mother’s fault and she did not ‘allow it’. You would never say that of the wife of an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is a disease and a mental illness. No one ‘allows’ anyone else to be mentally unwell, which your friend clearly is.

She's a mean drunk and / or an alcoholic.

I don't agree that alcohol just "brings out the real you". I lived with an alcoholic mother for many years and she was not "her" when she was drunk. It can create monsters

That said, this woman isn't a close relative. You do not and should not put up with her. Refusing to be around her when she drinks or at all would be my advice. I feel bad for her family, but agree her dh is an enabler whether he knows it or not