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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunk friend so nasty

108 replies

Peppermilk24 · 06/10/2024 18:19

I met with a group of friends last night to celebrate a milestone birthday for one of them. One of the group got extremely drunk - this is quite usual for this person - however last night I was shocked at the sheer excess of it. 2 bottles of wine downed in under 1.5 hours and this person became so so nasty and belligerent. She has approached me previously with concerns about their drinking and I have tried to steer them towards help (Im not qualified in any way) all of which was ignored. Last night the level of horrible behaviour was shocking. shouting, nasty tone of voice, calling people out on things that happened in their relationships years ago, crying and then butting in on conversations going around her. I tried to speak to her twice and she ignored me completely (or perhaps couldnt hear me).

It was so sad as her partner was their with their adult children and other relatives of hers and I could see her children visibly wincing at one stage. I normally dont be in her company whilst she drinks but it was a friends bday and she had been invited along. My DH mentioned it to me on the way home in the cab. He was disgusted with her DH for not stepping in and trying to at least minimise the behaviour if he couldnt get her to go home.

She has divulged private information about some of our friends and her own family and said some really horrible things including trying to force a friend to talk about her husband who died last year from cancer and telling her she was being so selfish and self absorbed when she wouldnt as he was "my friend too".

She has called me this morning and I havent picked up. I know from another friend who was there last night that she has been on the phone this morning breezily saying what a great night it was, sore heads all around and that we all over did it. Im so livid with her I cant chat to her at the minute but part of me feels sorry for her as she clearly has a drink problem. Why do some alcoholics become so nasty, is the drink or is it that the are like this underneath and it just comes out with drink. DH is fuming also - he has known her as long as I have - and honestly he just says she is a liability at this stage. I feel guilty and angry and upset for her in each measures.

I dont know if I can be friends with her though as she isnt prepared to listen. She wont meet up with me 1-1 unless its in a bar, Ive suggested coffee, cinema etc and the one time she went for coffee with me she asked the guy if he could make Irish coffee. She was then angry that I wouldnt go to the pub next door. Ive spoken to her husband about my concerns and he says that he has spoken with her also to no avail. What do I do?

OP posts:
2921j2 · 07/10/2024 14:57

The answer here is very simple.

Ignore her calls, don't engage with her. No more discussion about her behaviour - she's an adult, her dh is an adult, her kids are adult. They can deal with it without abusing others.

She sounds horrible.

Original poster
Peppermilk24 · 07/10/2024 16:03

thank you all for taking the time out to respond. With regard to the posters suggesting that I lack compassion or that my DH handled it all badly, we too are only human. My DH told alcoholics friends DH the truth of the matter as he is literally ignoring the fact that his wife is damaging herself and others with her addiction. He did not approach my DH for help, he called trying to fob off what had happened the night before. Everyone is responsible for his her action/inaction and the consequences of that.
I'm proud of him for doing it. If the other DH had come on the phone and not tired to breeze past it all my DH would still have had the conversation just not as robustly. The friend who had the bday is livid with the situation but we are doing nothing until we hear more from the friend who was due to meet her today.

to the poster who asked when alcoholic friend called me. She called me yesterday and I didn't pick up. She also called a few other friends and was passing it off as "we all overdid it". She then made contact again after our DH's had a conversation to complain about my DH and the things he said. Her DH has clearly come off the phone and said that Peppermilks DH was angry etc. She was very much acting as the injured party.

She was cruel and nasty and is not one bit remorseful for it from what we can tell. I have no issue whatsoever helping someone in need but the thing is she isnt ready to be helped. Until she is nothing can be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppermilk24 · 07/10/2024 16:11

Theonewhogotaway · 07/10/2024 09:04

I really feel it is unacceptable for you and your husband to blame the husband. If you want to say something say it to the woman herself your husband had no right to lose it with his friend, this isn’t the 50s. She’s not a possession, he doesn’t control her. And it shows so limited understanding of alcoholism that you’d think this is the approach. I’m fairly disgusted by it.

You are right she isnt a possession, she is his wife and he is not helping her or their family by acting like her drinking is ok. My DH lost it because her DH is trying to get my DH involved in the collusion that all is ok. its not. she is drinking herself to death and her DH is excusing it by saying she had a hard week. The man is responsible for his own honesty if nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppermilk24 · 07/10/2024 16:16

Theonewhogotaway · 07/10/2024 09:08

He said she must have been having a hard week for years and that he was a disgrace for enabling her alcoholism

I'm sad and angry and worried but we can only offer help and hope that its accepted

yeah op. Very helpful. You didn’t offer help. Your husband rolled in and went on the attack, egged on by you no doubt/

Oh grow up! I don't egg people on, my DH has eyes and ears and was aware of what happened. We aren't 14 in the school ground. This is an adult woman drinking her life away - literally. Her DH was trying to minimise it. if my DH didn't care he would have gone along with the pretense but he didn't. He was honest. If you read my earlier posts when she mentioned her drinking to me previously I suggested she seek professional help. I dont know enough about alcoholism to make any real impact but I listened. I tried to be caring and non judgemental. Its her behaviour which has led to this situation and her DH refusal to acknowledge it. The responsibility for that does not lie with anyone other than them.

OP posts:
dothehokeycokey · 07/10/2024 16:21

@Peppermilk24

I think your dh did the right thing.

Too many people brush shit like this under the carpet and addicts as known by most tend to lack empathy or responsibility for their own actions in every way.

You can choose to step away from her and if it was me I definitely would

She can choose to not seek help and you can choose not to allow her addiction to affect you.

Good on your dh I say

Projectme · 07/10/2024 16:32

mummabubs · 07/10/2024 12:46

This is one of the most sensible posts I've seen on this thread.

I think the question to ask yourself here OP is what is this situation doing for you? What is it giving you (? Connection with your other friends as they feel the same way? The 'excitement' that can come with drama, even when it's horrible drama?), but also what is it costing you (? Your own wellbeing, feeling angry afterwards or worried beforehand as you can predict how these meetings will end and know it's deeply unpleasant for you?)

You will not be able to force your friend to stop drinking. Nor is it her DH's responsibility either. You can only control your response to her behaviour and choices. By all accounts it sounds as though she can't connect with her friends unless alcohol is involved, and that's not something that works for you. It's totally ok for you to decide this isn't a friendship that serves you anymore and to just walk away from it. It will likely still feel sad, but is this a friendship you genuinely want anymore?

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@mummabubs @Seaweed42
Both have nailed it.

Your friend clearly has a dependency on alcohol, whether that's an addiction is up to her to find out through professional channels.

Whilst your anger, and that of your friendship group who have been on the receiving end of a drunken outburst, is probably justified, vilifyng her via separate group chats by comparing notes and the 'she said this/that about XYZ' gossip, is just adding fuel to a fire that is already out of control and not helping.

She needs to be told how upsetting her comments were/are and that until she gets her drinking under control, she's not welcome on meals/nights out. Just tell her! I feel desperately sorry for her kids, adults or not, they've witnessed some even worse behaviour behind closed doors and I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate it being discussed with the wider group of friends.

Theonewhogotaway · 07/10/2024 17:07

Peppermilk24 · 07/10/2024 16:16

Oh grow up! I don't egg people on, my DH has eyes and ears and was aware of what happened. We aren't 14 in the school ground. This is an adult woman drinking her life away - literally. Her DH was trying to minimise it. if my DH didn't care he would have gone along with the pretense but he didn't. He was honest. If you read my earlier posts when she mentioned her drinking to me previously I suggested she seek professional help. I dont know enough about alcoholism to make any real impact but I listened. I tried to be caring and non judgemental. Its her behaviour which has led to this situation and her DH refusal to acknowledge it. The responsibility for that does not lie with anyone other than them.

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I don’t agree with you; I find talking to her husband one thing. Losing it and being abusive something else entirely, calling him a disgrace.

the more you post the more you come across as loving the drama.

ThatBrickRaven · 07/10/2024 18:20

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ThatBrickRaven · 07/10/2024 18:22

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ThatBrickRaven · 07/10/2024 18:23

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BMW6 · 07/10/2024 18:47

It's make or break time for her. Not only is she destroying her liver but she's destroying friendships on the way.

She woke up today with The Fear. She KNOWS she was really pissed and probably doesn't remember everything she said and did, but her subconscious knows it was really really bad. Ringing around trying to pass it all off as "all pissed together, not just me" is classic alcoholic denial. As are the excuses and tears. Desperately trying to gather you all around herself to reinforce Denial.

Her DH is enmeshed in denial too and is probably Desperately Avoiding the Truth - alcoholism is scary. Much easier to keep saying Bad Week, Just Had A Couple Too Many.

I truly do believe that, as friends (or ex friends) you are helping her by shining a glaring light on this.

MinnieGirl · 07/10/2024 22:26

How did the lunch date go?

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 07/10/2024 23:03

What a shame you didn't think to video her behaviour OP, then you could have shown her how appalling her behaviour was, and told her that she's always like that when she's drunk, and so you simply want nothing further to do with her. As you didn't though, it might be worth suggesting that her husband do it. You never know, it just might be the wake up call she needs.

ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 07/10/2024 23:21

Gosh this was a hard read as I'm the adult child of someone like this. I'm so glad you said something, I used to pray someone would call out my mum's drinking. What I will say though is if her husband is anything like my dad trust me he cannot do anything to stop her. She ws unbearable for you on a night out, can you imagine what she's like to him and her kids at home? You're asking too much in asking him to accept it and suggesting he in any way can stop her. The biggest pain of my whole life is watching my dad have an alcoholic wife, it's ruined our family's lives and it is something you will never be able to stop someone doing. Hopefully friends judging her will actually cause her to stop and think though and I can gsruntee you that her family will be so pleased you did.

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2024 23:35

It’s an interesting question .. it removes inhibition especially to that level of drunkenness, so I tend to think that yes, the nasty things that pour out are obviously things they have thought even when sober but normally suppress. I guess that’s a big part of why people with alcohol addiction often lose friends and family, their capacity to be so bloody nasty in telling their “truths” about people, past situations etc. As well as the general chaos and deceit around drinking

ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 07/10/2024 23:40

Ella31 · 06/10/2024 19:23

It's really not her dh's fault. Alcoholics are born manipulators and liars. What you are seeing out is probably worse at home. BUT that doesn't mean you should have to put up with her shit. Never meet her again in a food situation because if there's drink, she'll find it and I'm really sorry about the stuff she said. That's awful. She has a serious issue and only she can sort it. Her dh can't exactly stop her going can he and I can only imagine the responses if he physically blocked her.

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I really really agree with this. Her poor dh must lead a horrible life.

TheFirstSnow · 07/10/2024 23:50

She probably has no idea how horrible she is when drunk. Yes, it is the drink making her like this—not how she really is underneath. Make it clear to your friend that you no longer want to see her while she is drinking. If she doesn’t want to meet up for cinema etc then you have to let her go. Unfortunately it sounds like the drink may be chosen over your friendship, because she’s clearly got a problem, but as others have said, this is not YOUR problem.

Original poster
Peppermilk24 · 08/10/2024 08:55

ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 07/10/2024 23:21

Gosh this was a hard read as I'm the adult child of someone like this. I'm so glad you said something, I used to pray someone would call out my mum's drinking. What I will say though is if her husband is anything like my dad trust me he cannot do anything to stop her. She ws unbearable for you on a night out, can you imagine what she's like to him and her kids at home? You're asking too much in asking him to accept it and suggesting he in any way can stop her. The biggest pain of my whole life is watching my dad have an alcoholic wife, it's ruined our family's lives and it is something you will never be able to stop someone doing. Hopefully friends judging her will actually cause her to stop and think though and I can gsruntee you that her family will be so pleased you did.

I'm so sorry if my words triggered anything for you? It must have been so difficult to grow up in that environment. Awful for your dad as well as he clearly tried to deal with it. My friends DH appears to be trying to avoid accepting it. Its so sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppermilk24 · 08/10/2024 08:58

An update - she didnt show for lunch. Sent a message to say that she has a cold starting and would have to rest etc. I tried calling her and she didnt pick up. I sent a message saying that I was hoping to catch up with her and have a chat about the weekend and if she could call me when she was free Id appreciate it. I also said that we have been friends for a long time and I hoped she realised that I cared for her very much. She read and ignored so I suppose I just wait now. Im more sad that angry now but neither feels good tbh. thanks for all you kind people who took time out of their day to respond.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 08/10/2024 09:39

I've read your update today.

She's desperately avoiding you in the hope that it'll all blow over and no-one will mention it again

I wonder if she would go as far as cutting off all relationships with those who were there if she's that afraid of confronting the truth?

I think this is crunch time for her alcoholism. What a terrible pity her dh is in as deep denial as she is.

You are quite right to wait and see now. Please keep us updated of any developments.

My DH is an alcoholic and had relapsed this weekend so I follow these threads with genuine interest and experience.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 08/10/2024 09:43

I pretty much guarantee she sees herself as the victim here and wants to sulk until people start crawling round her, apologising and begging her for forgiveness for being big old meanie pants about her getting a bit tipsy and making some innocent comments / jokes that she didnt mean to and why are you all so sensitive anyway...

Projectme · 08/10/2024 10:24

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 08/10/2024 09:43

I pretty much guarantee she sees herself as the victim here and wants to sulk until people start crawling round her, apologising and begging her for forgiveness for being big old meanie pants about her getting a bit tipsy and making some innocent comments / jokes that she didnt mean to and why are you all so sensitive anyway...

It's either that or she's become very frightened for the future as the scales have fallen from her eyes and her DH and a lot of her friends have helped make her see that her behaviour just can't continue and that she must get help for her alcohol issue.

Original poster
Peppermilk24 · 08/10/2024 12:29

BMW6 · 08/10/2024 09:39

I've read your update today.

She's desperately avoiding you in the hope that it'll all blow over and no-one will mention it again

I wonder if she would go as far as cutting off all relationships with those who were there if she's that afraid of confronting the truth?

I think this is crunch time for her alcoholism. What a terrible pity her dh is in as deep denial as she is.

You are quite right to wait and see now. Please keep us updated of any developments.

My DH is an alcoholic and had relapsed this weekend so I follow these threads with genuine interest and experience.

I'm so sorry to hear of your DH relapsing, its awful for you both. She may well cut us all off but either way it couldn't have continued as it was. If she was as nasty to strangers as she was to her friends she would be in trouble I think as someone would likely slap her.

Its a terrible situation for her and her family but it wont get better by ignoring it. I just hope that this might be the point at which she wants to try to get better, the avoidance would suggest otherwise though.

OP posts:
NigellaAwesome · 08/10/2024 12:32

Op, are you aware of the karpman drama triangle? https://leadershiptribe.co.uk/blog/the-drama-triangle-explained

It is quite often the case that people assume different roles at different times - victim, persecutor in the case of your friend, you see yourself as rescuer but she perceives you as a persecutor. Once you view the interactions through this lens it can be helpful in seeing it for what it is and how to extricate yourself from the drama.

HRTQueen · 08/10/2024 12:46

You can control your boundaries but not hers

tell her why you are stepping away and that when things change you will be there for her (if you want to be, understandable if you don’t)

she knows what she is like she will have been told before it won’t be anything new to her

some alcoholics are supported by their partners as it suits both of them, some are just so worn out by trying to keep the family together they become numb to the situation but ultimately it’s your friend who is responsible for her actions

and they will always find other alcoholics who accept them so they can accept themselves

alcoholism is a horrible disease people become extremely selfish and it ruins so many peoples lives