Drunk friend so nasty

[Peppermilk24]

I met with a group of friends last night to celebrate a milestone birthday for one of them. One of the group got extremely drunk - this is quite usual for this person - however last night I was shocked at the sheer excess of it. 2 bottles of wine downed in under 1.5 hours and this person became so so nasty and belligerent. She has approached me previously with concerns about their drinking and I have tried to steer them towards help (Im not qualified in any way) all of which was ignored. Last night the level of horrible behaviour was shocking. shouting, nasty tone of voice, calling people out on things that happened in their relationships years ago, crying and then butting in on conversations going around her. I tried to speak to her twice and she ignored me completely (or perhaps couldnt hear me).

It was so sad as her partner was their with their adult children and other relatives of hers and I could see her children visibly wincing at one stage. I normally dont be in her company whilst she drinks but it was a friends bday and she had been invited along. My DH mentioned it to me on the way home in the cab. He was disgusted with her DH for not stepping in and trying to at least minimise the behaviour if he couldnt get her to go home.

She has divulged private information about some of our friends and her own family and said some really horrible things including trying to force a friend to talk about her husband who died last year from cancer and telling her she was being so selfish and self absorbed when she wouldnt as he was "my friend too".

She has called me this morning and I havent picked up. I know from another friend who was there last night that she has been on the phone this morning breezily saying what a great night it was, sore heads all around and that we all over did it. Im so livid with her I cant chat to her at the minute but part of me feels sorry for her as she clearly has a drink problem. Why do some alcoholics become so nasty, is the drink or is it that the are like this underneath and it just comes out with drink. DH is fuming also - he has known her as long as I have - and honestly he just says she is a liability at this stage. I feel guilty and angry and upset for her in each measures.

I dont know if I can be friends with her though as she isnt prepared to listen. She wont meet up with me 1-1 unless its in a bar, Ive suggested coffee, cinema etc and the one time she went for coffee with me she asked the guy if he could make Irish coffee. She was then angry that I wouldnt go to the pub next door. Ive spoken to her husband about my concerns and he says that he has spoken with her also to no avail. What do I do?

Its a terrible position for all of them, her consumed with it, her children watching, her husband trying to minimise it and meanwhile it continues to ravage them all. My DH has said that he will help when help is wanted but that he wont collude with her DH in trying to explain away the behaviour. He says not being honest with her is helping the illness and not her. its just so desperately sad for them all. If she is like that in public what must she be like in private? the thing ive noted is there is such a gamut of it. Some can function quite well, others binge and then stay off it for months, others drink until they are senseless. Its awful. Im hoping when she recovers she gets in touch but Im definitely going to be honest with her. I have a little money put by and can help with some initial counselling sessions if AA is too much of an initial jump. If she wont admit it though - or worse attacks me for suggesting it - then Im done. I cant be in a friendship with someone who will constantly have me on egg shells worrying what will happen next. I feel so selfish though :(

It's absolutely NOT selfish. Refusing to continue the charade is in her best interests.

BMW thanks for that. Its really kind of you considering the position you are in with your other half, how are you by the way? and how is he?. I suppose the feeling selfish comes from the thought that you are there for a friend no matter what. However b my DH pointed out to me being there for her means putting a boundary in that may help her stop drinking. I have tried the approach of listening and directing her towards help. My most recent message to her let her know I wanted to talk through what had happened and that I care for her. I'm hoping that she sees that as a positive thing in the long run and that she feels able to reach out. As for the other friends, the widowed lady she has text to say that she is visiting with her mum and dad and not in a position to talk properly. I hope she is relaxing with them, as she really really didnt need what happened last weekend.

The lady that she was supposed to meet yesterday for lunch has said she will back off now until drunk friend makes contact as she cant push anymore. I hope Im able to look back on all this a year from now and my friend is in recovery and in a happier place as she must be so unhappy and scared. Alcohol is a awful when it gets a grip of people.

Another one who found this thread hard to read. Because this was my experience – my mother, who killed herself not even two months ago, after decades of alcoholism.

Yes, your friend is monstrous and nasty. I don't doubt that for a second. But think of the hell she's in. And of the hell her DH is in. And her poor children. Of course they knows that there's a problem. They really bloody know. They don't need someone yelling down the phone at them, adding to their stress and shame.

What I will say to you, as someone who has been through all of it, to its very worst conclusion, is simply to be kind, firm and put boundaries into place.

I personally think some relationships are worth fighting for, but most aren’t.

I would avoid this woman like the plague.

If you don’t like being around her when she drinks, and she only ever wants to drink when she is out with you, cutting ties is really the only way forward.

I’d say she will come to her senses when she loses enough friends, but this type of person doesn’t. They just have new friends all the time, because they think she is a “fun drunk”.

They will eventually learn she isn’t fun, and will dump her. That is just the way it needs to be, unfortunately.

It is not your problem to solve.

OP it’s an awful situation. For what it’s worth I think you are doing the right thing. You are a good friend.

I have had friends like this. Generally their world implodes at some point; either they don’t stop and make themselves ill or their drinking catches up with them in other ways. Eg it ruins their relationships, they fall out with family, they get sacked from their job. Ultimately there isn’t much you can do. If you address it with them they become defensive or even deny it completely.

I know someone who has constant drama due to their drinking- moving job to job- pouring whole life out on social media - literally every family secret. Lost his job recently due to drunken behaviour - struggling to get another strangely enough. It’s been literal years of this behaviour- can’t hold down a friendship - it’s a wonder his wife stays with him - he just doesn’t want to stop drinking. He too is really horrible when drunk - it’s an attention thing I think. Thing is he is middle aged and people have ran out of patience- he really only has family now.

what I’ve noticed is that when alcoholics are out in public drinking they do everything they can to draw attention to themselves. It’s nearly like on a subliminal level they want someone to challenge them on it so they act out. It’s so draining being around it though.