What life advice do you give your DC’s when they are teens ?

[Munichfam5]

A friend said they tell their kids ‘not to get married before they are 30..,’

I guess it’s personal, but I was wondering what other things people say to / advise their DC’s

Don't only listen to what people say, look at their actions. A good person doesn't act like an arsehole because they're angry or stressed.

Don't let those who don't matter control your emotions.

Work hard and keep learning about the world.

Spend money wisely and always save some.

Definitely not all, and some seem to replace a lack of parental love and affection for a flawed or abusive relationship, rather than choosing a relationship because it enhances their lives, a companion for life.

Some people mature faster too, and are ready. Others fall into it without much thought and have no idea what they are doing.

A lasting love from a young age is appealing as it is romantic. Growing old together having held hands as teens must be very special. I guess my work provides a keen insight into how it sometimes ends for some people (and sadly it is the young women that end up carrying such a huge load on sometimes very young shoulders)

I feel sorry for a few of you on here - most happy marriages don’t make you feel “tied down” - you grow together, enjoy each other’s company, whilst also spreading your wings in terms of career and life. I’m sure if you have an unhappy marriage it feels limiting and restricts your options but in a happy supportive marriage it just isn’t like that at all.
But you have to make sure you’ve met the right person!

Your feelings are always valid and you are allowed to express them.
You don't have to do things just because your friends think you should, you can choose your own path.
You can tell me anything you want to. I might have a different opinion but that's ok and we can talk about it.
Don't believe everything you see on the internet.

(Eldest is 13. As we go through the next few years there will be more about relationships/finance etc)

However - I do realise that young people seem to mature much later these days - we got married in 2004 and I’d gone travelling at 18, came to Australia by myself at 15, moved out at 18, had worked since I was 14, my DH was an army officer at war in Iraq by 24 years old. I was a qualified solicitor by the time I got married at 26, regularly advising on multi million pound litigation. We owned our own flat - getting married felt like a totally logical next step because I felt like we had done loads.

Nowadays it seems that people feel that they’re still children way into their 20s whereas none of my friends felt like that at all.

I don't advise my young adults when to get married, but I have advised them to think of the financial implications, as they already have assets that, should they then divorce, they would lose. I can't stop them doing it, just make them aware of it.

My other main advice for relationships for them has been to look and see what people do in a variety of situations, don't go off what they say. Anyone can say they love kids or will support you in the future, but it's whether they show that in their daily interactions, are they trustworthy, do they follow through, do they act to support you in little ways? You need to see someone in lots of situations, how they are around their friends, their mum and dad, when stressed, when work isn't great, to know if they will be a good partner. My advice is: look at someone's actions and watch someone for a year or two. That then tells you what type of person they are; don't believe their account of who they are at face value.

I also don't advise them to be kind, because they are already kind and I don't want them to get taken advantage of. Knowing when it's ok to say no, I can't do that, no I can't give you money, saying no is important especially for young women, who are often brought up to be very kind but in ways that can be detrimental to them.

That most people are winging it. I made the mistake as a very shy and lacking in confidence teen/early twenties in thinking that everyone was confident and knew what they were doing and I was the odd one out. Then I realised that people basically fake it til it becomes so normal that they naturally grow in confidence as a result. That was a eureka moment for me.
My thirties were so much happier as a result. You would look at me now and think I am the most confident, self-assured person. I’m not, but I’m very happy in my own skin now and I’ve managed to create a life for myself that is a bit unusual, but works.

It’s completely different. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or the lack of housing available that is remotely affordable for a young person. There is a stark difference. I was confidently travelling around Europe at 16. Now we have presenters being reported to social services for allowing her child to do that!

That said, I am happy for my own children to develop at their own pace, there is no rush. Both have said they would love to have a marriage as long and as happy as ours, it has been the making of us but it’s not everyone’s experience. They need to choose well and carefully, and even then life happens unexpectedly.

Sorry but I disagree I got married at 22 and am very happy 15 years later

@Ozgirl75 I agree, that's why I mentioned location in another post. I think if you live in an area where housing is cheaper you are able to obtain independence earlier. My friends and I were marrying in the 2010s, we moved and worked in London for a few years and my colleagues would look at me like I had scales when I told them I was married already, they were 10 years older but still living with roommates. Getting married in your 20s was still very normal where I'm from in the 2010s. No idea if it's changed in this decade.

I live in London and getting married in your very late 20s and early 30s is standard here for the last few decades.

I don't really give advice telling them when to get married, considering I got married at 21! But considering they'd only barely be done with uni by then, I really want them to think it through. But my marriage worked out amazingly and we have been married for 16 years. While I know people who got married in their 30s and ended up divorcing. It really does depend.

I'm always telling my teen girls to be financially independent as you truly never know.

We lived in London too but we bought a flat in 2003 and it was affordable on our joint salaries in Wimbledon for goodness sake. We had no idea how lucky we were in terms of being able to get on the property ladder.

Don't smoke
Don't do hard drugs
Floss
Always wear sunscreen
Always take the stairs

Never feel pressured to agree to something you are uncomfortable with in any sphere at all
Get your own independent income. Think very carefully before making any choices that leave you dependent on someone else
Choose a partner who is respectful and walks the walk in terms of equality
Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
I have also taught them how to cook, budget, do housework (son and daughter equally) and the importance of regular exercise
And if you are in trouble whatever it is and you can't see a way out please come to me and I will always do my best to help you.

‘You do you’

if you like it - wear it, do it, eat it - no matter what your friends opinions are…

if you want to do well at school - study hard - engage with the teachers…

You are not a sheep. You do not have to follow the crowd.

You are unique. Be yourself . Be proud to be you.

Bring a clone is not cool - being you is!

Unkind people will mock you for your individuality but a real friend respects and embraces your differences.

My Mum used to say to me 'You can't change a man', with no real context but I think predominantly as a warning that if a partner is a certain way when you meet them, don't be naive enough to think that they will change for you. I think it was said mainly in jest, but often think of it on here!

Yes. But not the only way. We were in London and got married at 22 and 25, in 2012. 🤷🏻‍♀️ one size doesn’t fit all.

I had you to give you a life of your own. I don't want you looking after me in old age.

I have told them to work towards being financially self sufficient so they never have to rely on a partner to have a decent roof over their heads.

And to start paying into a pension as early as possible.

I told DS to make sure he always used a condom

Education is crucial for avoiding the unpleasant aspects of life, as well as conducting proper due diligence in relationships. It's important to refrain from getting into relationships until you have completed your education. There's no need to harm yourself through a relationship. Essentially, it's about building a strong foundation and then adding other elements as you progress thru life.

Unlike a friend's daughter who suggested she couldn't wait to take our kids to the local chav nightclub when they were 18. I don't think so. Aim higher than drifting into that culture.

Mostly don't do drugs and never drink and drive.

I feel a bit lacking reading some of these responses. I would rather just model how I want DS to behave, so work hard but not at the detriment of friends or family, don't let your friends down but don't be taken for a mug, make time and money ( if possible) to do things you enjoy like going to see bands I like.

Being wrong about something, or not being able to keep a promise because of unforeseen circumstances, is not the same as lying.

You have nothing to lose by asking for something, but everything if you don't.

Holding grudges only hurts one person, and it's not the one you think.

This is so important!! Women can ruin a number of lives, not just their own, by choosing a dickhead father for their children.