What life advice do you give your DC’s when they are teens ?

[Munichfam5]

A friend said they tell their kids ‘not to get married before they are 30..,’

I guess it’s personal, but I was wondering what other things people say to / advise their DC’s

If I discover you've driven after drinking I will personally shop you.
If you must get a tattoo, get it done in a proper tattoo place and don't get any names tattooed unless they are your children. This was said after a male friend had all of his girlfriend's names tattooed on his arm and then crossed out when they split up.
If you really want something badly, save up for it. It's easier to save when you have it to look forward to rather than saving up to pay for something you've already had.

The way it works is, by putting yourself in the right places. Don't ever miss opportunities, because you will never know what may have come from it.

Except putting yourself in the right places and not missing opportunities is no guarantee of anything, really.

Lots of people spend their whole lives trying to do everything and taking every chance they can, and they still don't get "lucky" - because luck is often something that's totally out of your control and absolutely nothing to do with your own behaviour.

Maybe - I guess I didn’t know anyone in their 20s who was “settling” - it always felt like a very deliberate choice. Most of my friends got married at around 26-29 so not exactly teenagers. We’d all had plenty of boyfriends prior to that.
Mind you, my aunt and uncle have been married for 65 years - they got together at 16 and 17, she got pregnant at 17 and they’ve been happily married despite the inauspicious start! They have three children, 6 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren and they’re only in their mid 80s.

Maybe the advice should be “if you have any doubts at all, don’t get married!”

I am actually wishing I had two boys instead of two girls. Life is so much easier for men the world is set up for them. I wouldn’t say this to them but think it’s true.

My girls are actually more emotionally intelligent than I am so they dont need my advice

Developing as a full adult with an identity of your own and not shared (young people complete their development at 25) having independent adventures, living alone and experiencing and exploring your own character, intellectual capacity and environment is really essential. Particularly for young women.

Too much too soon in terms of serious early relationships can stunt development, and even arrest that natural progression. Women that are married young often find it very challenging to function alone, and can seriously struggle in circumstances such as divorce and death. They often haven’t developed the independence and resilience in younger years. I would prefer my dds especially to develop fully, to know themselves before embarking on a serious commitment to someone else.

I have nothing against young marriages but it would not be my preference. I have seen many outcomes that were less than optimal because the couple had no experience of life outside of a relationship.

DS has seen some of the mistakes I've made in life - especially with money - and we've had a chat about that. I do think he needs the pension and savings chat. And credit.

I think when giving out advice to teenagers (or anyone), you need to be very careful about what you say and how they might hear it.

It's good advice to point out how the demands and rewards of various careers are very different. But that's not what the earlier poster said.

Her advice talked about the lifestyle her teenagers now enjoy, which will be determined much more by income than work/life balance.

And then she went on to say:

"Take full advantage of all the opportunities that we have given you and build on them to make sure that you can provide the same for your families."

That is literally setting her teenagers up to fail if they are not able to provide the same (material) lifestyle for their families (they may not even have families.).

I want my kids to know that the opportunities I've given them are so they can pursue their lives in the way they choose, not the way I chose.

Study something you love not something that makes anyone else happy, three years minimum at uni is a long time to do something that isn’t necessarily your first choice.

@Savingthehedgehogs you're generalising an awful lot there, DH and I are very independent, more so than most married people I know (of all ages) because he has to work away for months at a time.

It's literally impossible to generalise about something like this because circumstances and personalities are entirely different. What works for one person won't for another, people don't need to get so defensive about their own circumstances, opinions and decisions, just because something works well for someone else doesn't mean you've done something wrong.

There is no right or wrong and we shouldn't be telling teenagers there is, it's healthier to keep options and communication open so they feel comfortable talking to you rather than thinking "oh my mum thinks young marriages are stupid so she'll never want to hear X or discuss Y".

Study something you love not something that makes anyone else happy, three years minimum at uni is a long time to do something that isn’t necessarily your first choice.

I don't think this is necessarily good advice in isolation, lots go to uni to extend their youth, do something they enjoy but without much thought to how they will actually use said degree. They come out without a plan. Fine if you're from a very comfortable background maybe, but for people who are not well off and need uni to further their career not just a fun 3 years, they should be strategic about their uni choice if it's going to set them back tens of thousands of pounds or they can end up needing a second degree. I have lots of friends who regret making a choice purely out of interest rather than realism, it was nearly me until I managed to swing it around in my late 20s.

Yeah the days of pursing what you fancy are gone. It needs to lead somewhere with that level of debt. Lots of this advice shows how massively out of date we as parents are. It’s not 1996 anymore.

Snap!! Yeah yeah - you don't need to tell me! I'm 13 and know how the world turns

For the sake of discussion generalisation is unavoidable.

My dd is 20 and is so young, she has a lot of developing to do. Chartering her own life for the first time. I would not be upset or disappointed if she settled down now, but I would wonder what she will miss and sacrifice as a result. The freedom to be exactly that, free. She is really enjoying her life, and has many decades ahead of responsibilities and commitments, to enjoy her young freedom now would be a huge sacrifice and would clip her wings.

There is a cost to marrying at a young age in my view, but you don’t have to agree, it’s my opinion. My experience tells me there can be a lot of regret later in life about losing freedom and the fun of being young, a time in life that can not be recaptured. It’s a window of time for most people.

Everyone is different, and people have their own priorities and choices.

Most people change a lot between the ages of 18-25.

Completely disagree re study subject. I’ve mentored graduates in the workplace for two decades. The most memorable half a dozen had studied something completely unrelated.

I certainly wouldn’t encourage my DC not to follow their interests at 18.

Hmmm don't overpluck your eyebrows and don't get a tattoo on your face or neck. I'm sure I've got some more serious ones....I'd say it's a very bad idea to send any nude photographs to anyone. And be very very careful about your digital footprint and keeping your data secure.

You’re saying all this to someone who has already done it, and very successfully. I don’t disagree with your points but also I have seen the way I’ve done things work out time and time again. Good job we’re all different hey??

ETA - and I have a LOT of friends struggling to find a partner at this age, which was my main point and the point of the post I was agreeing with

There is a cost to marrying at a young age in my view, but you don’t have to agree, it’s my opinion. My experience tells me there can be a lot of regret later in life about losing freedom and the fun of being young, a time in life that can not be recaptured. It’s a window of time for most people.

But surely experience has afforded you the understanding that people are different? That people live their lives differently and that some of us can navigate relationships in a way that don't lose freedom, I went to uni, he's travelled the world with his job. We understood we were young and didn't hold each other back. There are pros and cons to everything in life, and you simply can't pretend that there is a best time?

The reasons so many relationships struggle is because people are a bad fit, throw in the particularly challenging issues for women and I can understand why a mother of a daughter would be cautious in this arena, but I suspect there is A LOT of regret out there from people who let people go because they felt too young but actually that relationship could have blossomed.

The truth for me is my husband is a good one and I was very fortunate to meet him young. He is genuinely kind, he does more than his fair share, he treats me with complete respect, he is funny and a true companion. I would have been an utter fool to have let him go on some false idea we were too young. Good people are good people at all ages, not everyone has to mature to find their feet in life.

@CJsGoldfish

See, I tend to think it's often the opposite.
Someone who 'settles' young doesn't know anything else and, whatever their relationship is, is their 'normal' I'd question that they know who they are and what they are capable of without being one of two.

Totally agree. It may technically be true that people who marry young are more likely to stay together but that’s not necessarily a good thing. That’s probably more a reflection of their income, demographics and family expectations than reflecting a happier life.

If you get married in your 20s you are likely not to have any time living alone or with friends, working and travelling etc. You’re entering a life of dependency with someone before your personality is fully developed. It may work well for some but it’s a huge gamble. A lot of people are just too frightened to leave.

Couples who have been together decades are not necessarily something to aspire to either. People can become horribly codependent so they can’t function without one another and it is pretty depressing. I think early marriage in general is pretty limiting.

That’s probably more a reflection of their income, demographics and family expectations than reflecting a happier life.

Please do tell me what the income, demographics and family expectations of couples who marry young are?

When somebody shows you who or what they are: believe them!
Respect yourself and don't be persuaded to do something with which you feel uncomfortable - trust the niggle in your tummy.
Make sure any new sexual partner shows you proof that they have been recently tested and are free from current STI.
This is your one life and is not a practise run - have fun and try all new experiences that come your way.
Have personal integrity and make sure you can peacefully rest your head each night knowing that, today, you did your best.
You are not responsible for the behaviour of others.
Not everyone is a friend nor wants to be your friend. Do the right thing, anyway.

@toopytoo younger marriage tends to correlate with lower income.

And obviously it’s not necessarily the age per se it’s the lack on an education. Women in particular who marry and have children young tend to end their lives poorer. That’s not particularly controversial?

I agree some people definitely grow together and are almost the wind beneath each others wings and really propel and support each other. A shared history and love is a blessing.

I work with young people whom sometimes have limited ideas beyond domestic responsibilities that could be available to them. They get involved at a young age, and it becomes a trap, and not what they signed up for. I encourage empowering women to live their lives independently to offer choice, education and opportunity. They are sometimes uniquely vulnerable and are not fully aware of the consequences of their decisions. That said there are many of examples of those that are very happy with long marriages and the stability that it offers in life has worked for them.

@Thepeopleversuswork have you got stats on that? Because I would suspect location actually plays a huge part. I'm from a part of the world where housing is cheaper, we launch sooner because we are able to move out quicker, a quick count in my head of my family and friends marriages I can list about 8 couples who married in our 20s, we are all university educated (except my husband actually, but he has a good career, we are a six figure household) all own homes, seemingly financially secure as far as I can tell from a distance.

The truth is you have a perception of who marries younger. It's a class based perception, just as most things are on MN.

DD: become financially independent and never take your health for granted.

DS: learn to run a household and never take your health for granted.

@Savingthehedgehogs yes I can whole heartedly agree with your post. I have no doubt there are a lot of unhealthy young relationships where the lack of maturity and life experience adds a layer of complexity, just not all.