The way some people let toddlers behave......

[Purpleturtle46]

I have own 3 kids in primary and secondly so still completely remember what the toddler stage was like but recently I have noticed on several occasions that people just let their toddlers run wild. Yesterday for example I was at a farm park with my youngest who has just turned 8 and the following are examples from just one day.

-DD in big sandpit quite focussed on building something and toddlers allowed on several occasions to come over and knock it down, no intervention from parents.

-huge slide from top of 3 story fort thing with big queue of kids at top, none can go down as toddler standing at bottom. Mum comes and removes toddler after a while and process repeats itself several more times.

-lots of sunken trampolines in ground, one child per trampoline. DD waits patiently to have a go, toddler then gets on with her. Parents seem to find this cute, DD gives up and just gets off.

-a throw a hoop over the witches hat game. Toddler running in-between the hats so DD has to wait until toddler is removed after some half hearted attempts to shout across from the picnic bench Dad is sitting at.

-older baby crawling around the middle of the floor in a cafe, waiter carrying 2 huge plates of food nearly trips over them.

And that's just one day. Obviously it's not the fault of the toddlers but when my kids (3 under 4 so not easy) were that age I constantly had to talk to them about turn taking etc. Yeah of course it's hard work but that's how they they learn. Just getting fed up of older children being expected to tolerate this behaviour and parents finding it funny and cute! I suspect my DD is probably mildly autistic and although she coped ok with all this I could tell it was frustrating her as she always waits her turn, I'm sure that would be annoying for any child. I am always torn between showing my kids a balance of being tolerant but also standing up for yourself and not being a people pleaser which I probably am guilty of.

The worst one I saw recently was at 2 of my kids' trampolining club award afternoon where the coach was making a speech and a toddler was being allowed to run around between the kids and not sitting with parents in spectator area. The kids found it funny so were giggling while the poor coach was trying to make a nice speech about the kids, she was clearly pissed off, fair enough! Again all attention on this toddler with the parents doing nothing to stop it and looking on at the toddler all gooey eyed!

Has anyone else noticed this trend?

Erm but you don't just let your toddler do whatever they want because you as a parent wants to avoid a tantrum.

Parenting toddlers is a lot about holding firm the boundary and being outwardly ok with the tantrum that ensues. because otherwise you're just pandering to them and allowing them to have whatever/do whatever they please. Doesn't help anybody.

You absolutely can't just let them do what they want because you don't want to deal with a tantrum. That's not parenting at all.

I understand the general frustration with parents not watching their toddlers at the park as there are certain things a toddler cannot go on without supervision, I also believe however it teaches older kids to be a little bit more patient understanding ect.

I have a nearly 2 year old and while I try to give her certain freedom at the park out of the buggy I also understand.that I must monitor where she is going and what she is doing for safety mostly....she is drawn to older children though and will copy if she sees them doing something she hasn't done before so can end in tears or tantrums occasionally.

On the other side of that coin though I have found other park mums to be a very judgemental crowd.......just the other day I took my nearly 2 year old to the park and refused to allow her to copy the older girl in the sand pit when she was eating the sand.....resulted in crying and screaming I simply told my child we don't eat sand it's not nice......the older girls mum gave me.the dirtiest look and took her child away.

So if I don't parent I'm judged and if I do parent I'm judged, so now I just parent my child how I want and balls to all the other parents and their dirt looks.

When dd1 was about 7 I took her to an event run by the borough music scheme for that age group where they could basically try out lots of instruments and get advice to help them decide which they wanted to learn. It's a very popular event, and the publicity was clear that no siblings allowed. For reasons that should be blindingly obvious.

I found childcare for dd2 and arrived to a crowded hall where kids where having to wait in long queues to try out instruments.

Inevitably, there is one family who have come en masse (both parents and toddler) and the toddler ran wild. Grabbing all the instruments when kids were trying to play them, jumping on top of violins etc. Eventually, when my daughter was trying out a saxophone, he ran up and smashed it into her face, cutting her lip. My dd burst into tears and said she wanted to go home.

The parents watched this and didn't say a word. When I confronted them they basically said, "What do you want us to do? Put him in a cage?"

Which was particularly galling as I, a single parent, had gone to some effort to obey the rules and organise care for my own wild toddler. Having two parents to toddler-wrangle seemed to me the height of luxury!

100%! I was at a play event and my daughter was having her go on something and hadn't been using it long and this child wanted a go with what my daughter was playing with and started behaving in a really bratty way and the parent only made a half arsed attempt to do something about it and hovered so we couldn't really enjoy what we were doing and felt pressured to leave because of this other child's behaviour. If it was my child I would distract with something else, feeding into the bratty behaviour only perpetuates it. I feel for you. Also been at events in the summer where this child was knocking down my daughters sand castles and hit her with a spade and the other parent barely intervened. Awful.

Ive tried to explain this to a single friend with a just turned Miss 5 yo. No one wants to help the mum because of the child’s behaviour which mum isn’t dealing with.

The child kicks the mum and isn’t reprimanded, child won’t eat her home made lunch so gets taken to McD’s. Child won’t eat dinner so gets a packet of noodles etc.

some parents are making rods for their own backs.

I’m sick of other peoples feral kids tbh! I feel like I’m constantly parenting other peoples children when I go out. I’ve got 2 yo twins, I have enough on my plate!

My daughter is hugely neurodiverse but she is polite, can share, and mostly pretty thoughtful.
This took quite a lot of hard work but worth it as at some point I knew she has to learn to fit into society in a civilised way and I knew the sooner she learnt the better way. We certainly had our moments but would like to think we learnt from them and when in the wrong owned the mistakes. That’s what’s gone wrong, and yes it happens with dog owners also! It’s entitlement and and a new type of arrogance which I find infuriating. And yes I also intervene, as she has the right to have ’her turn’ also if she’s behaved thoughtfully and I won’t let lazy entitled parenting get in the way of that!

And that’s where you are going wrong. You do not ask a toddler not to do something, you tell them not to do it. If the result is a screaming tantrum, you remove them from the situation. Yes it’s bloody hard work, but worth it in the end. Understanding and compassion are not necessary when parents can’t be bothered to parent.

So grow a pair and let the child have a tantrum. After all, that’s another natural stage of development.

Definitely getting worse. I keep getting told oh your lucky your kids are so good. I spent a long long time teaching them dealing with tantrums etc easier to deal with a two year old tantrum than a teenager tantrum which some friends are deai with now.

I'm not forgetting anything. You raise a child to be an animal, you'll get an animal. So when they scream and and carry on you just smile. Bet you and your children aren't invited many places.

Completely agree, all the work put in when toddlers makes the teenage years much simpler.
My youngest had a complete panic attack one GCSE morning, fine exams before but this day was going to be hard.
Over 6ft, very fit and strong. Stood in pyjamas, looked scared and teary, " I'm not going you can't make me."
Toddler years came completely to my aid. "I'll take your sister to school and be back in 20 minutes. Be dressed and ready then I'll take you'
No fuss, no drama, no begging or pleading just calm parenting with no room for manoeuvre.
Bless him, he was stood there ready, think he just went into autopilot!

It's these type of parents that make things difficult. I have a 3.5 year old. I often take him to the cinema and children are often running wild up and down the aisles, throwing popcorn etc.

I can see that he wants to join them but he understands that when we're in places like that he's to sit still and be quiet when the film comes on.

We went to an attraction a few weeks ago and there were animatronic animals to stroke. Each child had to take it in turn, mine waited and did as he was told. Another child pushed him aside and tried to have a go. Thankfully the staff member told the obnoxious child off as the mother did nothing. The same child was misbehaving elsewhere as well.

Whenever we go somewhere, we talk to our child and ask him how we behave when we're there. He repeats it back to us and behaves appropriately.

I find these kids end up learning the hard way about consequences. Running directly into the path of a swing, standing at the bottom of a tube slide (the child going down couldn't have seen them from the top), trying to climb on a fast roundabout. Not the approach I have with my dc but I tend not to worry about it too much as they will learn their lesson in the end.

I have noticed and I think that’s going too far with a toddler. Especially when the toddler is in danger, such as at the bottom of a slide or in a cafe running or crawling with no idea gorge hot food and drinks. Let them have freedom but ensure they are safe, and not at risk or or actually hurting themselves or others, damaging property or being annoying, such as making loud noises on the bus or kicking the seat in front.

Then again once I didn’t notice my child kicking a train seat until the man in front yelled at him. My bad - my child was so upset as he had no idea (he’d never done that before and this was the first time I’d stopped keeping a close eye on that sort of thing as it was the second part of a 7 hours on the train day). I did end up saying to the man perhaps he could ask my son to stop rather than shouting and he was very nice about it (had just been diagnosed with cancer so as I had told my son, he may have been upset already). The man was very kind and my son was very sorry and gave the man his biscuits. It’s nice when people come together to solve an annoyance rather than quietly being annoyed or being loudly annoyed.

I myself have a 5yo and am usually keen for children to resolve their own issues, such as what and how to play, taking each others toys, sharing, whose turn it is next and so on. I follow research this benefits social skills and conflict resolution and will only intervene if a child is being hurt or appears to be being overly upset (such as if my child was dominating a toddler - not that he does, he’s usually gentle and understanding of small ones).

Apart from that time when he had the apple juice from the children’s menu that ended with him swearing at some toddlers, egged on by another feral child. My child was told his behaviour was unacceptable and we left the cafe play area and went home. That was his consequence and I blame myself for letting him get overtired. The parent of the other swearing child was nowhere to be seen.

Sorry I went on a bit - I mean yes people shouldn’t let their kids be annoying and do tell them politely because they may not actually know it’s annoying or dangerous. They may just be entitled idiots or they may be exhausted and not coping. You never do know.

Me too, with the parent how I like. I get dirty looks for similar but then again I am often the one someone tells the with child doing what ‚we don’t do what ‚that mum is knowing her kid to do‘. This typically applies to me allowing my child to climb up a slide (shown to be hugely beneficial to core strength development etc) in a quiet park where his climbing is obvious, as in not in a tube slide risking collision). Climbing slides also enables children to negotiate who is going up/down, who’s turn it is etc and is also of social benefit.

I won’t let him climb slides in a busy soft play though. That’s entirely different. I am talking wet schoolday and there are 2 children in the park and the mum tells their child we don’t climb slide when their child is on the swings. Because for some reason they are judging me for allowing my child to climb the slide and want to make a point of it.

This reminds me of when I was a baby and my dad let me eat sand and even took a photo lol. I miss him.

I have not forgotten what it was like. Mine were never angels. Yes, there were screams and tantrums, that did not stop me from saying no to my toddler or teaching them that they cannot get whatever they want, whenever they want. I taught my kids to wait their turn—only to see others(of all ages) push in front every time we went anywhere. I taught them that they could not just run around in restaurants, while other families let their kids do whatever the hell they wanted. It broke my heart, but now my kids are older I am proud of the decent human beings they have turned into. If you want to call that smug then please do—but it was bloody hard work getting through those toddler years. And yes, it meant getting up off my arse and physically moving my child.

Some kids learn earlier and/or more easily. Lots of kids are feral, lol. Many flow in between the two.

I think PP’s point is, the parent of the child should be teaching them to wait their turn, not some random stranger at the park.

This happened at a private club where the soft play is for all from 18 months to 7 years. I’m not in the UK.

The 'let them do as they please and the rest of the world can accomodate them' parenting does seem to be on the rise.

Recently (ish) I was at a 3 day conference that involved a lot of practical workshops - this event was eyewateringly expensive, we had to choose which of the workshops/seminars etc to attend out of those available too, rather than being able to attend everything...

I was (as was the rest of the audience) absolutely gobsmacked at a workshop when the speakers 4 year old wandered out of the wings straight to Mum, who was mid flow explaining/demonstrating something reasonably complicated...

And Mum switched to talking to her child as if 50 people who had paid a good £50 each to be there, just didn't fucking exist.

And she wasn't saying 'not now darling please go and sit down and wait'... she had a full fucking discussion with the kid that went on quite some time, this happened two further times and we ended up not seeing some of the stuff we should have seen and what we did see was rushed and disjointed.

No real apology after either, just a sort of shrug and a 'oh she's that age...' as if we're all meant to go 'aww yes of course, how marvellous'.

I don't think anyone would have minded an interruption for a few seconds whilst she sent the kid back or took them back to whoever should have been minding them (though I actually think no one was and she expected a child of that age to sit on her bum for 2 and a half hours in a room full of adults discussing something wildly boring) and apologised - such things do happen, but this was just wild, all of us inconvenienced and frankly, out of pocket due to her lack of parenting!

Really OP? And all of you for casting aspersions on how others raise their children. From your post you seem to have no tolerance and have raised perfect children…well done you …

Thanks 🤣

I can understand that parents can feel overwhelmed and often have other issues going on. I do feel we have a responsibility to teach our children manners and to lead by example. We've always tried to model good behaviour in front of our DS. He now models that same behaviour. Before the end of last term, one of his nursery teachers said that he's one of the very few children that always say please and thank you.

He's only 3.5 but I think it's far easier to establish good behaviour at a young age than it is to try and adjust the behaviour later on.

She’s not being smug, she’s voicing a valid opinion that has been backed by many people. People who’ve been through the toddler stage and understand that their behaviour has to be managed and, importantly, the parents are guiding and modelling socially acceptable behaviour.

“Usually asking a toddler not to do something results in screams and tantrums.” Yes, and? Are you suggesting that at this point the parent should just give up and allow the child to do whatever- hit another child, run around a restaurant, spoil a game/speech/occasion ?

Your attitude is questionable at best.