Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are an overnight guest in someone's home do you treat the bedroom you're staying in as though it's one of the communal areas?

135 replies

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:32

Genuine question,

Am just back from staying with a friend in the states. So I was a guest in their apartment, had a bedroom of my own. The apartment is all on one level and 'my' room was tucked away right at the end so not off a main thoroughfare.

I only had a small carry on bag of stuff as only there for a long weekend, but I guess I had things out in the room. Not dirty socks or whatever, but stuff on the dressing table and maybe I'd draped my clothes over the back of the chair.

Anyway, she had visitors over and really told me off about my 'messy' bedroom and how I had to tidy it up as people were coming over and they'd be in there.

I'd honestly never heard of this before. If I have house guests I don't go in to their bedrooms while they're staying let alone ask them to pack away all traces of their stuff?

I ask genuinely if AIBU as I'm not sure if this is an American thing, a general thing or I am nbu to have expected that I could put my things out in the guest bedroom.

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 06/10/2024 06:37

Nope, not an American thing. It's a your friend thing. @bluebirdholiday

thepariscrimefiles · 06/10/2024 07:02

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:40

Thank you that's helpful!!

She's a really old friend I've had since school but she grew up partly in the states and now lives there again. She's a bit odd with stuff like this and I don't know if it's cultural.

For e.g. 20 years ago when DH and I bought our first house she wanted a tour of it which is absolutely fine and accepted. Anyway, it was only a little 3 bed thing so I showed her around it with the exception of the box room as it had nothing in it except a clothes airer.

She then opened the door herself saying "what's in here?" Then proceeded to berate me for having underwear having up in there on the day of her visit. I mean? I didn't invite her to go in there and don't really understand her kind of 'access all areas' approach but I'm quite a private person hence why I ask.

Your friend was being really rude! Who goes into a bedroom with a closed door in someone else's home and scolds them for having washing drying on a clothes airer? The house tour may be an American thing but her rudeness is unacceptable.

MixedCouple2 · 06/10/2024 07:10

She should add a wardrobe then for your to hand your things and out your case away.
If there isn't that then she needs to not say anything.
It seems she just wants her house today and immaculate incase they walk by or need a room to make a private call?

YesItsMe44 · 06/10/2024 07:22

It's not a US thing, speaking as an American. Yes good friends/family may like to tour your home, but only if you offer, and maybe when you'vemoved to a new home or had done some remodeling. I don't go into rooms where a guest is staying. That's beyond rude. I think you're friend is a bit strange.

TheDeepEagle · 06/10/2024 07:24

Not an American thing at all. I’m an American living in the US, and have never heard of “full house hours” being given to visitors. Neither would I want to have a full house tour as a guest somewhere. Your friend is weird. That’s all.

Maria1979 · 06/10/2024 07:30

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:53

I totally get that, but I think if I had an overseas guest staying I'd say "and that's X's room for the weekend so we won't look in there today"

Show quote history

Absolutely! When we have overnight guests (only family but still) we treat is as their room even though it's DS room (he shares bunkbed with his brother for the duration). Even though it's family I respect their privacy and I ask them if it's OK to go in and fetch something I forgotten to take out. They have the right to a personal space during their stay. I would not visit your friend anymore. And it's not an american thing. When I was an aupair in the US the family told the children to not go into my room without knocking, it was my personal space. It's about good manners and respect.

TubeScreamer · 06/10/2024 07:55

That’s really weird.

DilemmaDelilah · 06/10/2024 07:59

Did she actually tell you off for having a messy room? Or did she ask you to tidy it up as she had guests coming over?

obviously a culture clash over the house tour thing... but very rude if she told you off!

MikeRafone · 06/10/2024 08:02

Gosh, its the hight of bad manners to go in a guests bedroom unless you are taken try the guest.

Whatwouldnanado · 06/10/2024 08:04

Ah well at least she doesn’t live nearby.

AlwaysGinPlease · 06/10/2024 08:13

It's incredibly weird and she would definitely be an ex friend after pulling that. Telling you off , ridiculous and so rude.

MiseryIn · 06/10/2024 08:15

Never forget that a large proportion of Americans vote for Trump. Once you accept that and the implications it makes it easier to understand.

I think the biggest problem we have is that they speak the same language so we basically expect them to be the "same". They simply aren't.

There are huge swathes of extremely conservative, sheltered and largely uneducated population in the US.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 06/10/2024 08:24

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/10/2024 23:31

A friend in the US had to put some stuff out to dry in the garden as their 3 kids had noro and she simply couldnt get it dry in the tumble dryer quick enough. It was the height of summer in Texas. Her NDN reported her to the HOA because drying washing outside was against their rule and SHOCK HORROR!!!!! her son and husband saw her underwear!

Friend had inherited her house from her grandparents and much to the NDN's annoyance, she wasnt part of the HOA as her house predated theirs by decades so she just ignored it all but was slagged off to all and sundry by the NDN.

I have seen this posted about on MN too, but according to my friend the very conservative viewpoint of things that like this is very very prevelant in the US.

Show quote history

This has reminded me of when I was working temporarily in New York in the early Eighties. I'd come from June in London where on a lovely day, some people would go into Hyde Park on their lunch-break and happily sunbathe with their tops off, maybe in bikinis at a pinch. That July, I went for a lunch break in a very hot and humid Central Park and my English colleague and I were told off for daring to lie on the grass in the sun (fully clothed, maybe with our skirts pulled up a bit to catch some colour below our knees) in public. During that trip, I must say, I was bemused by a strange sense of prudery some New Yorkers seemed to have at the time.

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 06/10/2024 08:26

MiseryIn · 06/10/2024 08:15

Never forget that a large proportion of Americans vote for Trump. Once you accept that and the implications it makes it easier to understand.

I think the biggest problem we have is that they speak the same language so we basically expect them to be the "same". They simply aren't.

There are huge swathes of extremely conservative, sheltered and largely uneducated population in the US.

She's definitely a Kamala voter and she grew up mostly in the UK with English parents

OP posts:
Simplelobsterhat · 06/10/2024 08:28

She's obviously unreasonable (more so for the telling you off about a room in your own home that she hasn't been invited to go in). There is no need for other guests to in, and it's clear from the interaction at OPs own home that this is something the friend has a weird hang up about.

But it's interesting how many people are horrified that she went in the room at all. Maybe it's because we are quite introvert / much less rich than many mumsnetters, but we only stay in / invite to stay in houses of people we are close to, and I don't think any of them have a guest bedroom that isn't used for anything else, so we / they are normally sleeping in a room that someone else usually sleeps in or at least is used as am office / for storage. So I would assume they would need to come in and get things often etc and not leave anything lying around I wasn't happy for them to see. If I'm not paying for a hotel I don't expect hotel levels of privacy. Even if in ops case there wasn't other stuff in there, I don't see why the friend shouldn't go in a room in her own home unless the OP is actually in there sleeping / changing etc, or the OP is paying rent. I'm now wondering if mil thinks we are rude for going in and out getting stuff when she sleeps in my daughter's room, but I'm pretty sure she does the same when we stay at her house.

I also don't think it's odd to show bedrooms in your own house if giving a tour, eg if you've just moved in, so don't know why so many people find that weird, but I do think that's up to the homeowner to invite and no one should assume / expect or open closed doors.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/10/2024 08:28

RustyBear · 05/10/2024 22:38

I saw something on Instagram recently about the differences between the US & UK and apparently it’s a thing in some parts of the US to give visitors a tour of the whole house, including bedrooms. maybe that’s what she was planning to do?

That’s what I was thinking. I’ve known people in the U.K. do this, too very weird, IMO, unless perhaps it’s family and you’ve just moved to a new house. But to me a guest’s room is private, during their stay. If I ever need to go in, I’ll ask.

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 06/10/2024 08:29

Theonewhogotaway · 06/10/2024 06:16

Is the rest of the property really tidy? She may have some mental health issues surrounding neatness and cleanliness. If she’s otherwise a good friend, I’d let it slide. On the flip side I’m not sure I agree with you a duvet is intimate and one shouldn’t catch site of it. Seems you also have issues.

Haha I didn't really explain the duvet thing, I mean it doesn't make mean myself or clutch my pearls I just didn't understand why the woman from my NCT group was so keen for me to come and look at her bed. I definitely didn't ask!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 06/10/2024 08:31

Theonewhogotaway · 06/10/2024 06:16

Is the rest of the property really tidy? She may have some mental health issues surrounding neatness and cleanliness. If she’s otherwise a good friend, I’d let it slide. On the flip side I’m not sure I agree with you a duvet is intimate and one shouldn’t catch site of it. Seems you also have issues.

Not particularly showhome tidy, no

OP posts:
Mill3nnial · 06/10/2024 08:31

She sounds like a dick

Tumbleweed101 · 06/10/2024 08:32

I stayed with an American friend last year and there were rooms in the house I wasn’t shown as she felt they were too untidy. I was left alone in the room she’d given me for my stay and nobody came in without asking.

I got a full house tour when I went to stay with my Canadian friend though. I had my own space there too without anyone coming in. I guess it is a much to do with personality as culture. All three of us are fairly introvert so understand the need for having private space.

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 06/10/2024 08:33

AGoingConcern · 06/10/2024 01:37

Did she "tell you off" or did she just ask you to tidy the room in advance of other guests arriving while she was hosting you on her wedding weekend?

I'm an American/UK dual citizen. I was taught that
-A host should be gracious and generous, prioritizing guest comfort and giving privacy as much as possible while avoiding saying anything that might make them feel unwelcome
-A guest should be impeccably tidy, minimizing imposition and respecting the norms of the home

So basically if I you were my guest I would simply shut the bedroom door and never say a word about tidyness. But if I were staying in your home I would keep the bed made, my belongings in my suitcase or the wardrobe/dresser, and immediately make whatever changes were asked of me with no fuss.

She told me off.

Like she chided me that the room was 'messy' and I needed to tidy it. She said it in a way so as to shame me.

Weve been friends for many years so I could handle it. But I found it unnecessarily confrontational and belittling.

OP posts:
AgileGreenSeal · 06/10/2024 08:52

MiseryIn · 06/10/2024 08:15

Never forget that a large proportion of Americans vote for Trump. Once you accept that and the implications it makes it easier to understand.

I think the biggest problem we have is that they speak the same language so we basically expect them to be the "same". They simply aren't.

There are huge swathes of extremely conservative, sheltered and largely uneducated population in the US.

are you serious tv land GIF by YoungerTV

How to turn any thread into a political rant. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Delphiniumandlupins · 06/10/2024 08:55

I honestly think, as you have been friends for a long time, that you should let her know how her telling off made you feel. Maybe frame it as "interesting how cultures can be so different". Polite people don't want to be rude.

Saracen · 06/10/2024 09:03

When I was growing up in the US in the 1980s, I used to love the newspaper columns of the etiquette agony aunt "Miss Manners" (Judith Kerr). She has a lovely turn of phrase and is often very funny, and she points out that the overriding principle of etiquette should be to help people feel comfortable.

Anyway, I remember her discussion of this subject. Her pronouncement was that a host should never go into a guest's bedroom without good reason (giving notice if at all possible), but at the same time, a wise and considerate guest keeps the bedroom tidy at all times in case the host doesn't stick to that!

OhDearMuriel · 06/10/2024 09:11

Is she generally a bit OCD about her apartment? (OCD has many threads to it).

She shouldn't have shown you up like that, but she's obviously got a very good friend in you.

How does she keep her bedroom when she stays with you?

Next time, you could pull her leg about it, but you're probably too nice to do that!